Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Jon and Kate Plus 8: Interview #2 (THE DIVORCE!) Kate's Side

Evan: Good morning Kate.

Kate: Sit up straight.

Evan: Excuse me?

Kate: Sit up straight, your posture is terrible.

Evan: Uhhh ok? *Sits up in his chair*

Kate: That's better. Now proceed with asking me questions.

Evan: Well to start, how are you handling the divorce?

Kate: Its a tough situation, but like my mother used to tell me, "Weakness is pain leaving the body bitch, now give me thirty more push ups." Then I would puke into a bucket and she'd kick me in the face. Meeemmmoorrriieeesss.

Evan:..........Fair enough.

Kate: But most important is that the kids are taken care of in my glorious, iron fisted monarchy that is our family.

Evan: Excuse me, your what?

Kate: My monarchy. My regime. My "kingdom" if you will. Jon was able to escape my efforts through "divorce", pshaw, but those kids are mine until they turn 18 and rest assured, punishment will be evenly distributed. Work is freedom after all.

Evan: Weren't those the words written over Auschwitz?

Kate: Oh yeah! That's where I heard that. You know those Nazis, they were all right.


Kate: Well ok, mostly not for the killing part but for the work ethic and dedication to their craft. Truly an inspiration.

Evan: Moving you have plans today for what the kids will be doing?

Kate: Well first its nap time, thats the time when I get to stare meaninglessly into the cold abyss of the outside world. Then comes play time for them......when I continue to stare meaninglessly into the cold abyss of the outside world.

Evan: Well I mean, you could play with your children and have fun with them.

Kate: Hahaha Fun, oh my hahahaha does not compute hahaha Oh my.

Evan: *raises an eyebrow* So you've been on the road a lot, do you find that your fans are sympathetic with your plight.

Kate: Oh sure, I mean even before the divorce I would love going out on the road so I could give my fans the advice that they need and in return, they'd give me assplay.


Kate: Heresay. They'd give me heresay about the various trials and tribulations that they themselves have gone through in their lives.

Evan: I thought you said something different.

Kate: Sometimes your ears play tricks on you. Applesauce.

Evan: Oooooookkkkkkk. Moving on again. Do you feel that sometimes you need to get away from everything?

Kate: I do. Sometimes I definitely feel this. Sometimes I want to find a castle in the middle of a small European country, build myself a suit of armor and lord over that place so that they may all be my children.

Evan:.......You mean like Dr. Doom?

Kate: I'm not familiar with who that is but he's a-ok in my book! And I will be not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morn! Treacherous as the Seas! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall love me and despair!

Evan: JESUS! *Roof begins coming down around Evan and Kate as Kate begins growing in size. Kate smashes through the walls of studio, Evan is crushed underneath a large pillar*

Kate: GONE! GONE THE FORM OF MAN! *Kate's reign of destruction began here.*

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