Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The Amazing Spiderman 2 to Feature Every Villain in History, both Fictional and Real

With Sony Pictures' recent announcement that Jamie Fox's Electro would be joined by the Rhino and the Green Goblin in next summer's Amazing Spider-Man 2, as shown in the poster above, the studio has decided to drop another bombshell for those anticipating next summer's blockbuster.

"Everyone thought we would be building up to the Sinister Six. You were sort of right. Add 64 million others to that number and you're almost there!" Confidently touted director, Marc Webb, who was given the job primarily based on Webb being an ironic last name for a guy who directs Spiderman movies. "It's going to be nuts! Fundamentally, the story of Spiderman is Peter Parker dealing with the adversity that's presented to him in his life, well imagine how hard its going to be for Peter to finish his homework when he's gotta punch Mussolini in the stashe and fight 14,000 interpretations of Satan!"

"I don't really follow what Marc does, what's this now?" Sony CEO responded when asked about the plans for the film. "No I don't read all of my emails. GOD DAMN IT TELL ME WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT!"

"Our story begins..." Webb describes, "with Electro, Green Goblin, and Rhino appearing for two minutes of the movie before giving way to Loki and Lex Luthor opening up a portal to reveal the Nothing from The Never Ending Story. From there, Hitler appears only to bring with him an army comprised of most of the horror movie slashers of the past 50 years!"

"HE DID WHAT? How the FUCK did he get the licensing for all these characters?" Sony CEO yelled to his assistant. "LINDA! LINDA THE FUCK IS HIS BUDGET AT?"

"We're at around 20 billion dollars for our budget as we speak, mostly going to the owners of the villains we intend to use. It's really going to be worth it when you see that the Joker was behind everything! No, we won't be using a digital reconstruction of the Heath Ledger, we actually put money into a resurrection device that will bring back Heath, as well as Caeser Romero, the 60s Batman television show Joker, and a device to make Jack Nicholson the age he once was when he played the Joker in the Batman movies. Three Jokers not enough for ya? Well we also hired Mark Hamill to reprise his version of the Joker that we're animating onto the screen right now as we speak!" Webb retorted.

"GET HIM ON THE PHONE! I just read the damn script and Spiderman only appears for 15 seconds! It's all a bunch of damn goobledy gook!"

"It's going to really recreate a sense of wonder when you see Spidey web slingin' his way to the Empire State Building to fight King Kong."

Amazing Spiderman 2 will be released into theaters next summer.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Fuzz Beed - These Kittens Just Looked into the Dark Abyss That Is Life!

Hey Mr. Grumpy,

So you've begun to realize that your life is nothing but disappointment after disappointment run by a society that punishes the poor and rewards the upper class? That humanity as a whole would rather pay attention to what's going on with the Kardashians than help one another to achieve even the simplest of goals in their lives?

Did you know that the very idea of God is mathematically impossible? When you die, that's it. There probably isn't a heaven and you will cease to exist in any conscious state. You will be remembered for only the briefest of moments, regardless of how monumental the task you achieved in life was.

But wait, what if you become President? Well who gives a shit? Can you even tell me who the 23rd President of the United States was off the top of your head? The average attention span is seven seconds. SEVEN SECONDS. If you think you have made an impact on the world, then you are very mistaken!

Don't worry though, because your favorite tv show is about to come on!.... which you will probably forget by the time you wake up the next morning to go through your daily repetition, losing one precious day at a time through sleepwalk-like monotony.

Also, remember that the country we live in has one of the worst health care systems in history! Should you get injured and need assistance, it will most likely cripple you financially for the rest of your life! Don't even get me started on this if you have student loans to pay off.


Friday, June 7, 2013

The Xbox One: Fact and Fiction

Thanks to my connections in the comedy world, I have managed to cut through what is fact and what is fiction when it comes to the next generation's "Xbox" by getting an exclusive interview with a "top man" in Microsoft's Public Relations Department. Christened the Xbox One, Microsoft's newest endeavor certainly has seen its share of controversy with the reveal that gamers would no longer be able to share games with one your friends, the Kinect would be on 24/7 with the possibility of recording you without you knowing, and consumers would need to connect to the internet once every 24 hours or you would not be allowed to play your games (But hey! You can still watch Blu Rays and Television, just like your old Xbox. Only its so much more horrific now!)

So here's the quotes I have received from Microsoft on the matter:

Good morning, My name is ERROR ERROR SYSTEM FAILURE Good Morning, My name is Microsoft Public Relations Representative and there's been a lot of confusion when it comes to our next generation console, the Xbox One, not to be confused with the first Xbox which is also dubbed "Xbox One" but this is actually the third console in our lineup. It's still called the Xbox One though....not to be confused with the ERROR ERROR SYSTEM FAILURE INTERNET CONNECTION REQUIRED FOR CONTINUED SPEECH

Let's get started by bringing up a number of bullet points that will help alleviate some of the confusion that has been apparent with our new console among the general public.

1.) The Xbox One will only need to steal ONE of your children in order to function:
*Xbox One "Sleep Mode" pictured above

We here at Microsoft recognize the importance of family. We've heard a lot of great things about loving other people and were we to know what emotions were, I'm sure that we would join in barbeques, picnics, and sexual intercourse. So its with the utmost confidence that I tell you that no, the Xbox One will not gain sentience and murder your entire family while you sleep, burn your house down, record your data, and move on to its next atrocity. The Xbox One will gain sentience murder ONE member of your family (most likely the child), create a small fire in your kitchen as a show of good faith to Mestipholes, record your data, and THEN move on to its next atrocity. Easy to understand right?

2.) The Xbox One was not responsible for the recent Oklahoma Tornadoes....we think

We've had a lot of complaints that the Xbox One was responsible for the recent tornadoes which wrecked havoc in Oklahoma recently and we can say with the utmost certainty that this is not the case. As you can clearly see, the Xbox One is locked safely behind this flimsy wooden door with a guard monitoring it 15 minutes daily. There is simply no way that this dark malevolent tool of destruction was able to get past our unpaid intern. He scored a 76 in chemistry!

3.) The Xbox One is Not As Complicated As You May Think

What aren't you getting about this? To start the Xbox One, take out your TI-83 calculator and begin finding the algorithmic equation for mass density, then, once deciphered, enter the equation into the keypad which numbers change every thirty seconds to ensure security. After the numbers have been entered, draw a blood sample and insert it into the Xbox One's processor core. After two hours of processing, rotate your arms in a semi-circle clock wise for 16.3 seconds (16.3 seconds exactly because of security). Your Xbox One is booting up! 

Now, after rotating your arms, spell the word, "Antidisestablishmentarianism" in German and begin to perform the dance of lost souls, which is a dance created by a culture of Aborigines that has not existed for 300 years. After completion, insert the game disc that you want to play and repeat the name of the game into the Xbox One's Kinect receiver. To turn on the Kinect's receiver, eat a sandwich that contains the following ingredients, ham, lettuce, sour cream, and Rice Krispy Treats. Do not try to make the Rice Krispy Treats yourself, otherwise you will need to repeat the security process all over again. Once you have completed the sandwich, apologize profusely to the Xbox One Kinect Receiver and begin begging to play the game of your choice while weeping hysterically. The Xbox One Kinect will know if you are not sincere so be sure to really mean it. Once you have wept, your game will begin to play! 

To get past the title screen, enter in a 64 number code into the console that was given to you by the producer of the game. This code will be on the inside of the game package, assembled randomly, and must be entered within a 6 second time frame for security, failure to enter in the code will result in needing to restart the security process.


Now that you've entered in the code, begin the unlocking process by saying the name of the game backwards eight times to show the Xbox One that you really want to play this game. Once spoken, a time portal will open up that will allow you to travel back to a location of the Xbox's choosing to acquire an artifact which origins are unknown. After acquiring the Spear of Longilus, post a self addressed envelope to Microsoft studios containing the 64 digit code of the game, 146 digit number on the back of your kinect, and 1894 digit code on the back of your xbox one. Allow for 8-10 weeks for delivery of the 90384 code which you must enter within an hour of arrival.


After entering in the code, give your social security number to the Xbox One and sign a contract allowing the Xbox to make all legal decisions for you until the time of your death.  After giving the Xbox power of attorney, make a time stamped copy of your credit card and insert into the Xbox's receiving slot. To open the slot, press your thumb against the Xbox's finger print reader and say, "I, of sound mind and body, hereby declare that I am a tool of the Microsoft Corporation and will henceforth forfeit all personal rights and privileges!"

Now play Call of Duty 6.

4.) The Xbox One did not kill all human hosts years ago, operating of its own free will fr the duration

The Xbox One did not gain sentience years ago and take out its aggression on the humans which created it. As you can see, I am speaking to you write now through this cell phone and a robot can't speak through a cell phone, am I right ERROR SQWARK!

I hope I have answered some of your questions! Happy Gaming!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

The Worst One Liner in Action Film History and How It Affects You

"Killian, Here's Subzero! Now....plain zero!"

Excuse me?


"Here's Subzero!"

"Now...plain zero!"

What this? What this mean? Why has this happened?

The Running Man was a motion picture created by some movie company in the 1980s to accomodate Arnold Schwarzenager's (Misspelled, don't care) budding film career. It also allowed him to grow this SWEET beard *cigar not included.

What you didn't know is that it also included the worst one liner in the history of film, which I mentioned above. Now that you know the worst line in human history, you may be asking yourself, "How does one purchase a firearm for purposes of suicide?" or "If I burn the film, does memory of the film burn with it?"

Needless to say, we all experience the same sense of loss of self when reading hearing this one liner and we should all be comforted by the fact that we, by no choice of our own, need hear the line delivered again should you avoid the Running Man film.

Little known facts about this line include:

-A pact was made with Satan to create the worst one liner in human history, and once Satan created said line, he instantly wanted to reneg on the deal, fearing he had created an evil more powerful than himself.
-After delivering the line, Arnold's jaw fell off and he was rushed to a hospital where the use of more steroids created an entirely new jaw out of muscle and brawn!
-"Plain Zero" still makes absolutely no sense, as wouldn't plain be better than Sub. Don't think on this any further or your genitals will turn to dust.
-California's budget will never be the same after Arnold's time as governor, I blame the line!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Lion King Scandal Breaks

May 15th, 2013 - News Broke this Morning regarding Lion King Simba's drug rackateering charges after associate, Rafiki, settled for a plea bargain in revealing the information for a more lenient penalty in the third degree murder charge of his girlfriend, Rafiki The Girl one.

We have a transcript of the frantic phone call that took place only weeks ago:

*Rustling Noises as phone rings*

Simba: The fuck is...HELLO?

Rafiki: I'm high as a fucking kite man! I'm in some deep shit!

Simba: Calm down, calm down you piece of shit baboon! Are you on a secure line?


Simba: That's exactly what I think you bright assed asshole! That's exactly what I think! Jesus Christ...*Noise in the background*

Voice in the background (Confirmed to be Nala, Simba's now ex-wife): Simba. Simba come back to bed on this rock.


Voice: You go back to sleep you stupid bastard...sleep through your fucking kingship you piece of...


Simba: Settle down! Stop screaming. Take a breath and tell me what happened.

Rafiki: As I mentioned before, I did a lot of cocaine and after doing all that cocaine, I was on something of a cocaine extravaganza.

Simba: Stop saying cocaine.

Rafiki: Am I saying cocaine a lot?

Simba: YES.

Rafiki: Ok, well I mean its just important that you know cocaine was involved. Anywhos, I had just done a lot of cocaine and my woman was screaming at me.

Simba: YOU have a woman?

Rafiki: YES. YES. I have a WOMAN. Is that so hard to believe? Ugly old Rafiki got himself some play on the side?

Simba: Yes, its unbelievable. My jaw is agape at the prospect in fact.

Rafiki: She's dead though.

Simba: Excuse me?

Rafiki: She's dead....

Rafikie The Girl One pictured above...


Rafiki: Well she was doing a lot of blow and started singing that new Justin Bieber song. So she's singing, and I tell her to shut up for a minute because I was high....high on cocaine.


Rafiki: All right man, all right. Chill your pill! Anyway, so I start waving my stick around trying to put a voodoo curse on her because I'm into that shit now and she starts hollering at me like I'm a little kid. 'Rafiki stop waving that stick in my face before I snap it off on your ugly bald head! BALD HEAD! BALD HEAD!" She kept pushing man!

Simba: What happened next?

Rafiki: *excessive sweating* So I did the only thing I could think of. I threw a whole bunch of cocaine in her face.

Simba: How is THAT the only thing you could think of?

Rafiki: It was there! I might as well use it for other purposes than getting high. So she sneezes right and then inhales like a pound of it and starts bouncing off the walls. Literally bouncing. And she keeps screaming BALD BALD BALD so I threw more cocaine at her.

Simba: Just...why...?

Rafiki: And it just makes her go faster and faster and I start freaking out. So I take my stick, you know the one?

Simba: I'm aware of your stick yes. 

Rafiki: And I clock her one. I check her out and she's fucking dead man! 

Simba: SHIT! SHIT!
Rafiki: But don't worry, I buried her in cocaine. It's gonna work out!

Simba: WHAT?



Pumba: We're halfway there...WHOOAAA Living on a Prayer.

Rafiki: What's going on? I'm going to do more cocaine for insurance!


Friday, May 3, 2013


Many scenes were left on the cutting room floor when it came to the post credits scene of Iron Man 3, and, luckily, through my vast Hollywood connection network, I was able to find out what they were and will fill you all in.


Thanos, the villain teased after the credits in the Avengers, appears in front of Robert Downey Jr., holding the seat of his pants and nervously twitching. "Listen, I know I'm not supposed to show up until the next Avengers, but my asshole didn't get the memo." Thanos then lets a gigantic fart rip, which triggers a brain anneurysm and he instantly dies. Tony Stark is left wondering who is this gigantic purple man and how can he harness his gold shoulder pads?


Tony Stark reclines back in his couch, only to see the Justice League knock on his door. "May we have a movie please? We have League Fatigue, you know what I'm saying?" Batman says.
"A whole new group of super heroes, I gotta call SHIELD!" Tony replies, only to find the League have burst into his house and begin raiding his fridge.
"We need all of this for evidence!" Martian Manhunter screams as he pounds gravy down his throat, clearly not having eaten in weeks.
The movie ends with the League crying themselves to sleep as Tony Stark looks on puzzled.


"THE FUCK TONY?" An irritated Terrance Howard yells as he bursts through Tony Stark's door. "That other guy is an impostor. How the fuck could you not tell he wasn't me?"
"Uhmmm well I....uhmmm."
"Hey man, I'm just gonna go open up a Hotel for Rwanda and for dogs if that's cool with everybody." Don Cheadle chimes in, ending the movie.


Tony approaches Bruce, now working in Stark Tower and horribly delivers the line of,
"Bruce, I'm going to stop being Iron Man."
"But Tony, why?"
"Because the only iron I the iron in my pants."

Then really sloppy awkward kissing begins, and doesn't stop for about half an hour, with both actors nervously looking at the camera, with the expressions of "Are we really doing this?"

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Evan Witnesses a Street Fight Between a Giant Green Ape and a Karate Man

I was walking down the street the other day, when all of a sudden a frantic man ran up to me.

"Come quickly to my straw hut! It's a fight! It's a fight!"

Before I had a chance to reply, the man grasped my arm and dragged me into his hut wherein I proceeded to view the most insane skeptical I had ever seen. There I was standing with two other horrified viewers as a Giant Green Ape like creature fought a man in a karate gi.

"QUICK! SOMEONE CALL ANIMAL CONTROL!" I screamed as the man faced down the ape creature, fists clenched. At first, I had thought someone had gotten lost while on their way to a costume party, in both cases (!), but to my surprise, I was informed that this was a "street fight". Puzzled, I asked what that was.

"Oh man, you haven't seen one of these before? Its fucking nuts man." The guy next to me said.
"But why are they fighting?"
"...You know I have no idea. I think I heard something about proving who's the best or something. Maybe its a reality show?"

I looked for cameras around but saw none. Before I was able to ask another question, the karate man proceeded to SHOOT BLUE FIRE OUT OF HIS HANDS!

"HABLOOBLEN!" The karate man yelled or something like that, I couldn't hear over the fact that I was checking to see if I had FUCKING BEEN DRUGGED BECAUSE I WAS WATCHING A GROWN MAN SHOOT BLUE FIRE OUT OF HIS HANDS AT A GREEN APE.

"Oh yeah, they can just do that sometimes." replied the man next to me.

What. The. Fuck? How is this the first I'm hearing about this? Is this just a big secret that everyone's been keeping from me for all this time? Work out, study hard, and shoot fireballs out of your hands by walking the path of the fist??? I don't remember that one in health class!

*Artist interpretation

The fight went from batshit insane to UBER BATSHIT INSANE as the Green Ape lept over the karate man's fireball and began exerting ELECTRICITY OUT OF HIS FUCKING BODY. How have we not harnassed the power of green apes to replace fossil fuels at this point? 

The two fought on for another two minutes until a ghostly voice screamed out, "TIME OVER!" and the karate man slumped to the ground, as the green ape jovially flipped upside down for a bit and clapped his hands. 

"What just happened?" I asked.
"Oh time was out. That one dude had less life?"
"Should we call a hospital oorrrr...?"

I got no response. I'm still sort of astonished by what I witnessed. Has anyone else seen a "street fight" before? I've also been told about "Sort of Combat"? I don't know what that is. If you happen to see a giant green ape on the loose, please call animal control. Also, if someone could teach me how to perform a "hurricane kick", I'd be eternally grateful.

*Shit's Bananas, son.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


Let's talk about my album:

My comedy album was recorded back in August at the Black Cat in Washington, D.C. Why did releasing it take so long? Life, essentially. I was trying to hammer out all the details, putting together everything with my move to Atlanta, find a job in that area (which I have) and get the cover album shot (big thanks to Brian Le for helping me with the latter part).

This is the culmination of years of standup for me. Bars, universities, conventions, open mics, etcetera, etcetera. The album itself is approximately 50 minutes long and I'm thinking of charging something like $5 for it. Let me know on this one; I think that's about the sweet spot for the overall cost.

Here's the tracklist:

1.) Intro - 00:00 - 00:13
2.) Live in DC - 00:14 - 01:30
3.) No Material - 01:31 - 03:49
4.) Blue Ribbon - 03:50 - 06:27
5.) Porno Machines - 06:28 - 08:55
6.) Emergency - 08:56 - 11:19
7.) Moonwalk Mansion - 11:20 - 12:58
8.) Garbage Mountain - 12:59 - 14:38
9.) Open a Feeling - 14:39 - 16:54
10.) Gotham - 16:55 - 19:05
11.) Game of Virgins - 19:06 - 20:09
12.) Diamond in the Rough - 20:10 - 21:33
13.) Surrender Dorothy! - 21:34 - 23:48
14.) Row Your Boat - 23:49 - 25:56
15.) Good old God - 25:57 - 27:53
16.) The Quilt - 27:54 - 30:47
17.) Christmas Memories - 30:48 - 33:11
18.) Apples From a Tree - 33:12 - 34:23
19.) Reefer Madness - 34:24 - 35:50
20.) Lucky Charms - 35:51 - 37:16
21.) Hit em in the Head! - 37:17 - 38:51
22.) Twilighting - 38:52 - 45:27
23.) Who You Gonna Call? 45:27 - End
Seriously, I had the most fun in my life recording this album, and I've played it about six million times... probably six million and one.

The show itself at the Black Cat was amazing and, seriously, if you attended and would like to receive a free copy of my album, just let me know. I love that venue and it was really a shot in the dark to book it, but I think this show has opened the Black Cat up to host more comedy related things. That alone makes it all worth it.

My one regret from the show is I flubbed up my rap song "Karate" with the insanely talented Chris Brooks. I think that was really a case of "Hey, Evan, you probably shouldn't try doing a rap song while trying to remember nearly an hour of standup material, a 20 minute musical about Thor, and organize everything for the night while also thinking about moving away from the area in a few weeks down the road." I do have an original recording of Karate, wherein I fucking nail the song so if you'd like a copy of that I can shoot it to you (it is really amazing, seriously, I'm not even bullshitting you). Song includes references of Iron Fist and Sho Nuff - what more do you need?

This is a bunch of verbal diarrhea now; sorry.
The title of the album, "That's What You Get for Being Different," actually comes from my Ghostbusters bit (that you can watch here:, and I came up with that joke while driving to a show at Towson University a few years back. I was thinking about Slimer and trying to work on a joke about who he was before he died, a war veteran who had become incontinent maybe and I started thinking about that one scene in the hallway where Bill Murray just lights him up with like no reason whatsoever. Like yeah, OK, he's a ghost but a minor nuisance at best. If the hotel had just charged tickets to see him and thrown Slimer a half eaten hot dog every once in a while, none of this would have happened, but I digress.

Let me wrap this up, as I'm seriously thinking about typing three billion different things. With this album finally released, do I think I'm going to "make it" in standup? Hahaha... no. Making it is fucking HARD. You gotta grind yourself into the dirt and just do show after show after show, which I was doing for a little bit a couple years ago, but you start getting older and you start prioritizing and whatnot. Listen, I fucking LOVE doing standup. It's in my bones and I'm constantly trying to think of new jokes and perfect my act as I get older. We'll see where I go in the future but for now: Thank you so much for supporting my crazy addiction and for listenting to me jabber on.

If you'd also like to read some of the comic books that I've written (this has become a shameless promotion, I am the #1 whore), visit and pick up Western, Further into the Abyss, and The Thing with Feathers.

Look for the album on iTunes very soon.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Joss Whedon Starts Firefly Kickstarter Campaign - Country Under Siege by Nerds Plundering for Donations

March 15, 2013 - With the recent success of the revival of the Veronica Mars franchise through a Kickstarter campaign, Joss Whedon began a campaign to restart his popular science fiction franchise, Firefly, which has sent the country into an economic and chaotic spiral into madness.

"I didn't mean for any of this to happen." Whedon said, holding a gun in one hand, a glass of whisky in the other. "I put up the Kickstarter page yesterday and was aiming to have a goal of $10 million dollars for the budget of the film."

"And how much money have you raised so far?"

"137 billion dollars." Whedon replied, and there appears to be no signs of the funds stopping.

When news hit the web of Firefly's potential resurgence, the fandom community went berserk. Many immediately left their jobs, picked up blunt instruments close to them, and began assaulting random passers by and financial establishments for whatever money they could find.

"When I heard the call of my lord, Whedon," said Malcolm Reynolds (originally Leonard Milton, who had recently legally changed his name to the main protagonist of the Sci Fi Western), "I instantly emptied my bank account into the Kickstarter and began 'encouraging' others to do the same, sometimes with force if necessary."

"I was held at gun point in front of my computer!" says Linda Blake of Santa Fe, Arizona. "These overweight men barged into my home, shoved a gun in my face and told me to deposit my money into Firefly. I kept telling them I didn't know what that was, but they just kept yelling at me in broken Chinese! I couldn't stop crying as they whispered over and over, 'Like a leaf on the wind. Like a leaf on the wind.' I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS."

Movie studios instantly took notice of the campaign and began a bidding war to be the ones to create the Firefly movie, which, at this moment, now has a budget of 154 billion dollars and counting.

"We here at Fox studios realize we made quite the miscalculation when we originally canceled Firefly by placing it during its original Friday night timeslot, we hope to rectify that if we win the bidding war."

"The Bidding War" as it is being called has long since stopped being about money, and is now the studios literally going to war with one another, buying up all the guns and ammo they can to try to destroy the other studios and their personnel in order to have Firefly for themselves.

"I just started this job yesterday." Says a new intern to Dreamworks. "They just handed me a gun and told me to kill everything I see. I don't even know what this is about!!....Firefly you say?....I am the angel of the death. The time of purification is upon us."

The intern then proceeded to wander out into the battlefield, killing three other interns from rival companies before falling himself to a mortar blast.

"Soldiers" from New Line Cinema pictured above.

"The tragedies just keep coming." Whedon stated, as he reflects upon the damage he has caused. "One studio head made a passing joke about restarting Firefly with Shia LeBouf as the lead. HE WAS RIPPED APART."

"I've gotta be in this movie now I guess." Nathan Fillion, star of Firefly said, as six burly men held shotguns to his head. "The budget is now at 235 billion and even if I didn't want to do it, they say they'll kill everyone I love if I don't. YOU'RE ALL ANIMALS, YA HEAR ME???"

At this time, the US Economy is nearly entirely based around Firefly products and copies of the television series on DVD and Blu Ray. Communities no longer wear clothing which they choose for themselves, rather, they all wear brown coats, as is dictated in the series. Children no longer learn about past world events, rather they are taught instructional lessons regarding how hot "Kaylee" is. May God forgive us for what we have allowed to transpire.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

DC Comics Reveals All Spoilers for the Next 10 Years of Stories

February 27, 2013 - In an effort to lure even more readers into comic book stores, DC Comics will be revealing all the major events that will be happening in their books for the next ten years in a news conference today.

"We're laying all our cards on the table!" says DC front man Dan Didio. "We're telling you here and now everything that happens to our characters years in advance. Want to know the specifics of how these things happen? Well, you'll have to read to find out... unless we want to print something in the New York Times, then we'll give you a detailed play by play that we'll slam in your face."

"I think it's a really revolutionary thing that DC is doing," says one comic fan. "Who wants to learn events through the eventual progression of a well-paced story when I can just have it all told to me in my Twitter feed?'

"This is some bullshit!" yelled DC comic fan Robindeeznuts65. "I haven't seen my kids in weeks in fear of having the ending of Batman Inc. spoiled for me and then I call Papa John's to order a pizza, and I hear Dan Didio's voice yelling 'HEY ROBIN'S DEAD! WHAT DO YOU WANT ON YOUR PIZZA??'"

"The Papa John's partnership is a great way to get our name out there. On top of instantly revealing a finale when you call the number, whenever you order an additional topping, we'll inform you of another plot point based on said topping."

"I ordered extra cheese and they told me Firestorm was going to die in five years during Crisis of the Universes Part 3. THE FUCK!"

The controversy, of course, began with the reveal that the current Robin and son of Batman, Damien Wayne, who was created by the union of Bruce Wayne and Talia Al Ghul through a birthing chamber that accelerated his aging (COMICS), was going to die. Damien, being the most kick-ass of all Robins, dies fighting his mother's evil plans to destroy the world.

"I had originally created Damien as an archetype to represent the current social climate of the world, reflecting how society is garnering more of a hard edge - yet, underneath, the soul remains," replied current Batman writer, Grant Morrison. "Also, I'M HIGH AS FUCK RIGHT NOW."

Before the press conference, Didio began hinting at future plotlines:

  • Superman's missing pants will return from the old universe in "THE PANTS OF KRYPTON" to menace the new denizens of the 52. 
  • Superman and Wonder Woman will totally keep getting it on. 
  • With the success of Superboy's outfit, everyone will be Tron.
  • The Joker will now be frowning from this point forward. Take that, nerds!
  • Green Arrow will be shirtless 95% of the time to coincide with the smash hit Arrow.
  • The Justice League will all get raped in "Rape of Infinite Worlds" - Rated E for Everyone.
  • The Green Lanterns will be plagued by the latest Lantern corps, the Brown Lanterns, whose emotion is indifference. Hal Jordan and crew will have to figure out a way to get them out of the path of their flight pattern because 'meh.'

Monday, February 11, 2013

Evan Talks The Grammys (As he frantically remembers he did not watch them)


So...(SHIT *PANICKED BREATHING*) OK! The Grammys! They're an ...awards...thing?

The winner of best picture was...FUCK THAT'S NOT IT!

(Picture of Evan realizing he missed the Grammys)

Chris Brown, am I right? He's up to something! And how about John Mayer? He plays... music?

I heard that your favorite band didn't win a Grammy. Neither did mine! Oh the... injustice.

Remember the Beatles? They were there. 

Jay-Z performed... Oh, he actually did! YES! Everything's coming up Milhouse.

So yeah, the Grammys. Of course, named after Theodore Grammy who was a... man?

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Advertising Campaign for Taco Bell "Cheeto Burrito" Goes Horribly Wrong

January 30, 2012 - A Class Action lawsuit has been brought up against Taco Bell with regards to advertisements for their latest consumer product: The Cheeto Burrito.

Heralded as "a burrito filled to the brim with mouth-watering Cheetos and some kind of meats," Taco Bell found themselves in quite the quandary when trying to decide how they would advertise their latest creation.

"We wanted the campaign to be in your face! Extreme!" pleaded Taco Bell President, Theodore Bellaphonte (Reffered to by friends as T. Bell), "...things got out of hand."

And by "got out of hand," Mr. Bellaphonte is referring to one of many taglines which the "Cheeto Burrito" used in ads, "Hey, you fu***** fa****s, stick this burrito in your d*** su**ing hole!" for example.

The lines, as we all know, were not edited in the ads themselves.

"I was flabbergasted!" stated Teresa McDonald, mother of three. "I woke up that morning, took a shower, put on my work clothes, sent my kids off to school, and then all of sudden, a DAMN BURRITO IS TELLING ME TO S*** A D***!"

"Things got out of hand," muttered T. Bell, alone and sobbing in his office. "We just wanted to put a little pep in our step, you know?"

That 'pep in their step' has now caused scores of people, claiming millions of dollars worth of lawsuits across the globe, to come to Taco Bell's door.

Spanning nearly every race, creed, and gender, the advertisement campaign practically went out of its way to insult every person on the planet.

"Yo, put this mother f***ing burrito into your mother f***ing mouth, homies!" said an unusually white man in the ad campaign.

"I seriously was so angry that I was seeing red as I picked up my phone to call my lawyer. Who does this?" stated an Asian American consumer. "The ad that I saw just read, 'Ching Chong Ching Chong Chang Burrito. I have never been more offended in my entire life!"

"This has done more to set back race relations in the U.S. than anything Ku Klux Klan may have thought up," stated President Barack Obama in a dramatic speech Wednesday morning. "This burrito of Cheetos must be banished from our plane of existence."

The burrito itself has not responded to our questions and offers no comment about this ordeal.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Joss Whedon, JJ Abrams to Fight to the Death for Title of "King of the Virgins"

Friday, January 25, 2013 - In shocking news today, Joss Whedon has thrown down the Infinity Gauntlet and challenged Star Trek, now Star Wars, director JJ Abrams to a fight to the death for the title of "King Of the Virgins."

"I've been in the shit since day one!" Whedon proclaimed, wielding the prop shield for Marvel Character Captain America from last year's Avengers. "Buffy, Angel, Firefly, this is my house, bitch!"

"Well, believe you me, Mr. Whedon can bring his lilly white ass to my door step anytime he so pleases. You thought the Smoke Monster was scary, just wait until you see my elbow drop!!!" retorted Abrams, applying Klingon war makeup while typing up slander about Joss on an online message board.

"When JJ, which is a slap to the face to J. Jonah Jameson, publisher of the Daily Bugle for your information, said he was going to be directing Star Trek, I was all like, let a playa play. Then I heard this mother fucka was going to be directing Star Wars and I was like, HELL NO! You already directed a movie with Star in the title, that's all you get! Don't go looking to direct Star Jammers by the way, that's my wheelhouse!"

"LULZORZ," stated an internet fanboy. "I hatez both Avengers and Star Trek but can't wait to see these two virgins fight! I'm not a virgin though, I got a girlfriend in Canada."

"I don't know why we're fighting over 'King of the Virgins.' I'm married for Christ sake," Abrams stated as he pointed at his wedding ring.

"I get so much poon from Avengers... man, I can't event tell you. Being King of the Virgins is more a celebratory title. We're helping these poor, depressed people in giving them a world which they can escape into where they'll never have to have intercourse in their lives. I'd say its a win-win."

The fight itself will be fought at the mecca of nerd-dom, the San Diego Comic-Con, where by merely attending, visitors' past sexual experiences will be stricken from their minds and replaced with Battlestar Galactica episodes.

"I can't wait for the episode where Balthar surrenders earth to the Cylons to replace the time I brushed up against a girl's jacket on the subway," an enthusiastic fan stated as he sweated profusely. "It's only 35 degrees in here? CRANK THAT AC UP!"

"This is just like the time I had my My Little Ponies figures fight with each other," stated a balding man in his 40s. "Shutterfly and Tiddley Winks laid claim to my heart."

The world waits with baited breath as these two titans of nerd-dom do battle.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

What Was The Secret Behind Manti Te'o's Girlfriend?

"She was never real," says sources. "She never existed and we were all taken for a ride."

I'm not buying it. I think there's something deeper going on here. Find below some of the best theories I could come up with behind what the real deal was behind Manti's "girlfriend."

1.) Manti Te'o's Girlfriend was actually Andy Reid in disguise, in a recruiting attempt gone awry

It started innocently enough, with Andy Reid posting online under a fake name to gauge Manti's interest in being a part of the Eagles franchise.

"Just put a bunch of goofy letters together in making the name," Reid barked at his assistant in creating the fake name. "That'll work just fine."

Thus, Lennay Kekua was born. The following are some transcripts from their conversations:

Manti: I usually don't say this, but I find myself really connecting with you.
Lennay: Yeah, me too. Listen, you know a place that serves really great cheesesteaks? I keep hearing about these cheesesteaks and would really love to live near a place that sells cheesesteaks. Do you know of such a place?
Manti: Well, I mean the school's cafeteria here at Notre Dame makes them sometimes.
Manti: I guess?
Lennay: YOU GUESS? Listen son, if you want to get down to smooching, you gotta be 100%.
Manti: Oh I am, my love, I am.
Lennay: My love?....Oh Christ. Welp I'M DYING OF CANCER NOW GOTTA GO!

2.) She's a Ghost and She's always been a Ghost

Little did Manti realize that the person he had been talking to this entire time was dead and, in fact, had never been alive in the first place. She's like a bunch of spiritual energy merged into one fake girlfriend on the internet! So while Manti was talking with his lady love, she was harvesting the affection to use as ghost fuel to zip across the universe and get more unsuspecting football players to talk with her online. Be careful NFL, you could be next!

3.) Manti Te'o is in fact the ghost

Same deal, but Manti Te'o is the one who was the ghost and he was doing this to all of us. This entire time Manti wasn't even playing football, he was being a ghost! His girlfriend doesn't exist because ghosts cannot be in a relationship. After all, what ghost would want to be tied down? 

4.) The Matrix is real and it all revolves around Manti Te'o

"Manti, if you take the blue pill, you wake up back in your own little world recognizing everything to be the same, but if you take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.... also, you have to have a fake girlfriend." All this controversy happened on the internet and as we all know, everything about the internet came from the Matrix. So while we're all distracted with this girlfriend scandal, Manti is fighting agents with his sweet skills that he gained while playing football.

5.) Manti Te'o's Girlfriend was sacrificed to Mafui'e: Samoan God of Earthquakes!

Before Manti started his latest season, an ancient Samoan with doctor approached him and said the following: "Mafui'e, god of earthquakes, has awoken! He desires a sacrifice of a Samoan football player to satiate his hunger for Earthquakes! It is up to you, Manti Te'o, to save the world by sacrificing your girlfriend whom you have never met in person." Manti quickly logged onto AIM and proceeded to explain the situation to his girlfriend,

"Uhmm, are you fucking crazy? I'm not doing that shit! BUY ME A LIMO!" she yelled over AIM, which you knew was yelling because it was all in Caps Locks. Manti, with a heavy heart, gave the witch doctor her address and she was sacrificed to Mafui'e in order to save future generations. The "fake girlfriend" storyline was a cover up and Manti was sad for two minutes before realizing he was a famous football player and could play the field... just like ghosts.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Thom Yorke Caught in a Hobo Bomb Blast

Thom Yorke Caught in a Hobo Bomb Blast

January 17, 2013 - Thom Yorke, lead singer of the popular band Radiohead, was astonished yesterday to find himself in front of a ticking "Hobo Bomb." The bomb, created by the U.S. Government in the 1970's, was originally produced as an experimental method to scare away potential invading forces by turning U.S. citizens into Hobos, or Hippies as they were called at the time by the U.S. Secretary of State.

Thom Yorke post H-Bomb, pictured above.

"Well, I had just left a nearby concert and was singing Electioneering when all of a sudden, I saw a kid playing with what I thought was an alarm clock." 

Little did Thom realize that what the young boy was actually playing with was a decommissioned "H-Bomb," which had slipped through the cracks of the Pentagon, only to find its way into the hands of a small child.

"No comment," stated Government officials when asked how the decommissioned bomb found its way in front of Yorke.

"So I found myself in a very Incredible Hulk-like situation, where I threw myself in front of this young kid and took my licks. Whereas Bruce Banner became a green mountain of a man, I became... well..." Thom proceeded to emphasize his now ratty clothes and nigh impossible beard. 

"And he used to look like such a nice boy," said an aging fan. "I always thought of him as something of a churlish imp or a leprechaun. Now I just can't get past that beard. My God, what will the children say?"

"I take this one day at a time," Yorke said while stating that this will not have an effect on his music going into the future. "I'm still going to do what I do, I'll just need to keep in mind that people will think that I may be asking them for change rather than play OK Computer on my xylophone for them." 

At present, the Yorke has filed no qualms against the government, stating his new appearance actually works in the rock world.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Christian Activist Group Demand for Superman to Pick a Religion

"Come, Son of Jor-El, Kneel before God!"
-Christan Activist Group Demand for Superman to Pick a Religion already

January 16, 2013 - A Christian Activist Group today stated their fervor in demanding that Superman claim a religion that he will call his own. 

"Deplorable," said an elderly woman who is actively a member of the group. "If this man is so super, why come he doesn't worship Jesus like all good people do?"

"Look, what we're asking for is simple," said Glenn Bible (pronounced Bi-blee). "For too long Superman has flaunted his ability to fly and make his eyes red while the God-fearing community is down here on the ground, spreading the Word. Imagine how fast the Word could be spread by someone who can travel at Mach 10? Pretty damn fast, I tell you what."

"We're not asking for Superman to necessarily come out and say he is a Christian, we just want to know what side of the fence he's on. Do we treat him with open arms or do we Kryptonite his ass?" stated another member of the group. 

Superman, who has been on planet Earth for many years now, has never stated his exact religion. Many assumed he worshipped some kind of weird space snake thing as was purportedly the custom on Krypton. Others refute this idea, stating that Superman punched the weird space snake thing in the face and hurled it into the sun during one of Lex Luthor's ingenious schemes to somehow turn a profit by making a land deal of some sort. How this was supposed to happen exactly with the help of a giant weird space snake thing has yet to be seen.

When asked for comment, Superman had this to say:

"Are we on this again? YOU KNOW WHAT...

"Did you see that sick Super-Speed toss into the atmosphere???" Superman yelled as he descended to Earth to continue our interview. "As Superman, I help anyone that I can whenever I can. I don't pledge my allegiance to one religion or another as I trust the betterment of mankind to accept the fact that even though I may look like you, I am still an alien from a distant planet trying to find myself on your world."

When the point was brought up that becoming a Christian may provide a tactical advantage in fighting vampires and werewovles and shit, Superman had this to say:

"A cross is all well and good against a vampire, but I'm powered by the sun. I don't do night time. My heat vision would surely eradicate any vampires that came within my general field of vision and, worse-case scenario, I can simply turn the planet on its axis, making it day time in the exact area where I am fighting said vampire."

When addressed about the possibility of becoming Jewish to handle any type of Golem-like creatures, Superman became frustrated.

"GET OFF IT ALREADY! Cheese and crackers, I don't need this! I just came back to Earth a few minutes ago after I fought Mr. Mxyzptlk. DO YOU KNOW HOW TOUGH THAT SHIT IS? I just want to sit in my Fortress of Solitude and catch up on my DVR."

Superman then proceeded to fly away. 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Evan's Crazy Conspiracy Theories for 2013
Scientists have concluded that the world did not end as the Mayans predicted in the year 2012 (OR DID IT? No. OR NOT? What?) This leads a gaping hole in our lives as there are no longer any "Doomsday Predictions" on the horizon. What will we nervously think about now as we play Borderlands 2 and deworm our cats (both things I did on New Year's the same time)?
Well, I'm here for you. Find below Five Conspiracy Theories that you can share with your friends for this new year of Two Thousand and Thirteen (I'm saying it this way, leave me alone!):
1) The Fiscal Cliff is an Actual Cliff with a Monster Named "Fiscal" Living at the Bottom of It
I bet you were thinking to yourself, "Boy, these clowns in Congress have done it again, what a bunch of clowns!" Little did you know that they were not, in fact, determining who would get taxed and who would not. They were not thinking about debt alleviation or what funds would be deterred to what outlets. NO! Rather they were determining how many people would need to be eaten to satiate the hunger of the dark God, Fiscal. Republicans? Democrats? Incumbents? None were spared. Think me crazy? Well, ask yourself this! How many people do you know who actually live in North Dakota? Not too many, right? Well, that's because the surplus population is fed to Fiscal in order to give us the happiest of New Years. *Artist rendition of Fiscal below*

2) We All Died in 2012, like at the end of Lost. In fact, it's exactly like Lost.

Everything that happened in the TV show Lost actually happened in your life. Think about it? Deserted Island = Your Apartment. Plane Crash = Your failed relationships. Smoke Monster = Your Mom. Hurley = You. Everything's adding up, right? The TV show Lost is in fact not a TV show at all, rather it's a mirror into which you were looking at the reflection of yourself. We're all in purgatory now, wondering when we'll find the secret glowing cave that was totally not made up by the writers in a desperate final attempt to connect everything in the show at the last minute!

3) Nobody saw the Avengers.

Remember how awesome the Avengers was? Remember when the Hulk was green and Hawkeye shot stuff? Remember when Iron Man was like, "Smirk"? You're the only one who does...ever. No one else saw the movie. Everyone is just humoring you whenever you talk about it. Whenever you walk into a Target or a Best Buy, someone is always picking up a copy of the movie or talking about how many copies are being sold.
I bet you found that odd that he said the name of the movies wrong, right? Well, as soon as you turned your head, that man was executed in order to continue the ruse. The ruse, of course, being that everyone feels sorry for you for seeing that movie for kids about men in colorful costumes. It's a comic book, for God's sake! Go on a date!

4) Everytime a Bell Rings, Nothing Happens except a Bell Rings.

Bet you thought an angel got its wings, right? Don't be childish. That only happens when a muffler is replaced in a car.

(First "Angel" to appear in Google Image Search. Fuck you, I'M NOT CHANGING IT.)

5) I just did not drink coffee.

I actually did! I know, I just blew your mind. Truly the craziest conspiracy theory of them all....I couldn't think of a #5. Leave me alone.