Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Evan Fixes Health Care

Hello everyone,

So times are tough. The Health Care System in our country is broken, while the third world country that is Canada is somehow supplying free health care to their citizens. How is this possible? Where did America fail? Is it because we don't like hockey? Maybe its due to our lack of syrup?

Well I'm going to tell you a surefire way for the US to supply each of our citizens with a rock solid plan that we can all follow for each of us to have a solid future in health care's kind arms in 5 easy steps. So here we go:

1.) Throw water on the Homeless to make them melt like they were the Wicked Witch of the West.

Yes according to my ex girlfriend (boy I wish I was joking about this one), Homeless people are akin to evil witches who, when doused with a hefty bucket of water, will begin to melt into the ground allowing for an America that is purely white and thus completely fixing the health care problems. Man Republicans from Ohio who also happened to draw up terrorist plots for some reason (REALLY WISH I WAS JOKING ON THIS ONE) sure do have a vast knowledge of what America needs.

2.) BEARS!

Have you ever seen a bear get sick? I haven't! Lets follow in the bear lifestyle and begin going to sleep for months at a time. I don't see claws on my fingers so obviously something is wrong. Maybe if we were to lay on our backs and growl at salmon, we may never get sick again? Think about it.

3.) Get REALLY drunk!

Because if we're really drunk all the time, there is no way that anything can hurt us. One time I stubbed my toe while hammered and it only kind of hurt. BAM!

4.) Talk about sports. ALL THE TIME!

Hey remember how you got married when you were 21 and instantly went to get your law degree because you wanted to take the easy way out and have a lot of money but also have the most mundane life of anyone ever? Looking at forms from day to day, slowly watching your body decay into nothing while the woman you married slowly drifts further and further away from you because you got hitched at such a young age that you hadn't really developed into the person that you were meant to be? HEY DEREK JETER HIT A HOME RUN! Time to talk with all your friends about it who are in the exact same situation that you're in. United in your silent depression. Rather than trying to foster your creative side or put any thought into making an impact in the world, its time to discuss the achievements of others ad nauseum.....Oh wait what's that? Oh right health care. Uhhmmm. Shit.

5.) Become the Incredible Hulk

Follow these easy steps and you will never be sick again.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Whatever Happened to the Evan of Tomorrow or Halloween Has Come Again!

Hello Boys and Girls! Its been awhile huh? Where have I been you may ask?

Well to lay it down in easy to digest bites, I moved to a new place, recorded lots of new stuff, did some comedy shows, put in relationship time, did massive amounts of 9 to 5 work, finished my Thor musical, and am now trying to adjust to all the goings ons.

Anyway, I thought I would take this opportunity to recommend a movie I had seen recently with a friend who managed to get a screener copy of this flick that I had been anxious for on and off for the better part of 2 years. Now before I say what this movie is, I want to tell you something about me when it comes to horror movies. As a child, I grew up fucking LOVING horror movies. I loved Jason, I loved Freddy, I loved Pinhead and Chucky and Michael Myers. It was weird but even at 11, I can still remember these guys scaring the crap out of me and my tiny self loving every minute of it.

As I grew in years and each one of these subsequent sequels for these movies got worse and worse, except for Freddy vs Jason which I thought was amazing B-movie fun, and Hollywood seemed to take a strange approach with horror movies. Something happened where Horror movies weren’t made to scare people anymore, they were made to churn out a quick buck and thus were going to need to be tailored to everyone seeing the movie, from ages 10 to ancient. This caused a huge decline in the overall quality of horror movies.

Horror movies nowadays, if not a remake or a sequel, all follow the same basic formula, cast a bunch of pretty late teen or 20 somethings in a movie, put them in a dire situation involving a killer or maybe a ghost or something, sprinkle in some “shock” scares and you’re good to go. The problem with this is that we now have Saw part 7 and the fact that movies like this churn out big bucks make it all the more worthwhile for studios to not break the cycle.

Rest assured, this constant barrage of shitty horror cinema has sent me on something of a quest. A quest to find “good”, “recent” horror movies. Now what would you say is the ratio of “good” to awful horror movies that are released nowadays? One to ten? One to twenty? If we’re really going to be honest, I would say its something like One to Fifty. Out of every fifty horror movies that are released, whether it be on DVD or in the theaters, there’s one that is good. I’m not even saying its great, I’m just saying its good.

Well my friends, I’ve come here to tell you about a movie I’ve seen in the past week that completely blows away every horror movie that has been released in the past decade. This is a movie that, for some mind-boggling reason, was decided by the studio not to be released in theaters. There are many theories as to why this is, including problems with the investors, too much violence against children, not enough “star” power, etc etc, but you can be certain that Warner Bros made a huge mistake when they decided not to release this flick the way it should have. Instead, everyone will need to wait about another week to see Trick ‘R Treat.

What is Trick ‘R Treat you may ask? Its an anthology of sorts. The movie shows five different stories all taking place on Halloween night. I figure I’ll take the opportunity to delve a little further into each of them (For those worried about spoilers, don’t be, I’ll keep these as general as possible without getting into any specifics).

The first story revolves around a couple getting back from a Halloween party and perfectly sets up the pace and storytelling that the movie is going to convey. It also shows you how perfectly they seem to have molded a family Halloween story with gore and straight up terror. I came up with the analogy that this movie is what if that episode from the Adventures of Pete and Pete revolving around Halloween was merged with John Carpenter’s Halloween.

The second story revolves around a group of early 20s girls working on getting their friend laid at a Halloween party (See, they did manage to throw some in!) Anna Paquin is in this one and looks pretty damn amazing if I do say so myself. Now let me explain how each of these stories are laid out. You’ll be introduced to the characters and the scenario and then from time to time you will drift to another story and eventually make your way back to the original. All the stories themselves weave their way into the others, so while you could technically watch each one of these stories alone, watching the entire movie in one sitting makes you appreciate each tale even more.

The next story revolves around a high school principal who happens to have a few secrets in his closet, played by the talented William H Macy. This individual story wraps up with the great notion that this movie will lead you in one direction and make you think one way, and then instantly toss your original idea out the window and make you feel stupid for not thinking how the story would go down from the beginning.

The following story, and this by far is my favorite story of the bunch, revolves around five kids, a rock quarry, jack o’lanterns, and a story of a bus with some special children on board. This is the story that is not only terrifying, but is set up in such a way, that it really shows you how much passion the guy who made this movie had while creating it. There’s this amazing shot where the kids in their costumes are holding their jack o’lanterns and looking over the precipice of the quarry into nothingness that is just so God damn spooky and breath taking. Not to mention I think that the “accident” in the flashback during the tale is played with so much dread and so much anticipation, that when it delivers, and boy does it deliver, it just helps to reinforce how great a movie this is.

The next story revolves around Old Mr. Kriegg, played by Brian Cox and involves the “antagonist” of the film in Sam. Sam, who can be seen in the poster above, appears throughout most of the stories in some capacity, either as a witness or as a direct player in the story. Sam is basically a Trick or Treater who is looking for some candy and has a deep respect for Halloween, he also happens to be homicidal at times. And don’t worry, they show you what exactly Sam is, but trying to figure out where the fuck he could have come from or what the hell his origin is happens to be another story altogether.

Trick R Treat, a movie that is not a sequel and not a remake, reminds us that good horror movies ARE POSSIBLE, you just need a little originality and zombie children.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Video Rental Store - A Thing of the Past

The video rental store. When we all have kids, and I guess some of you reading this may have already had some and in response to that, sorry that the condom broke, I find it interesting that a lot of things that we found standard will go the way of the dinosaur. Places like Blockbuster will be one of them. It seems so odd that we will not be able to tell our kids, "Do you remember a time when movies weren't directly installed into your brain? Also, do you remember when ants weren't the size of cars and we didn't need to fight them to survive? Good times. Good times. ANTS!"Anyway, I digress. Back to the subject of the video rental store, I've had a history with such stores. Before Blockbuster, I used to go to Erol's. Now if you all remember Erol's it was pretty much like Blockbuster, except sort of disorganized and instead of holding the movies on shelves, had all the VHS tapes on metal holders or something. Maybe this was just my Erol's but it was strange.

My parents would take me to Erol's about once a week and let me pick out one movie, that is until they started renting video games. I cannot tell you how it blew my mind to be holding a copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3: The Manhattan Project for the 8-bit Nintendo in my grubby little hands and realizing that I could play it for 5 days for free. I was flipping the fuck out. This was bad in the respect that renting out old Nintendo games didn't exactly work on the same level as renting out the cd and dvd games of today, oh no. Mostly because they were always in worse condition overall.

I clearly have a memory in my head of being 6 or 7 years old and flipping my shit when I saw that they had a "Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers" game for the old NES. I got the game, put it into the Nintendo, and the traditional red screen came up. I blew on the cartridge, put it back in, and again it didn't work but was coming through a little bit clearer. I remember that this was one of the first times in my life that not only did I swear, but I swore like a fucking sailor who just got crabs by the dock while on shore leave. My sister was sitting there waiting to play as Dale and asking,

"Why won't it work?"
To which I responded, "This fucking piece of shit! GOD DAMN IT! STUPID MOTHER FUCKING" for literally 10 minutes, swearing in between each time I would blow in the cartridge and slam the game back into the open slot. Eventually, I got the game to work and I played as Chip, because Dale had down syndrome, and threw apples at mechanical dogs. Fun was had by all. But the fact that the game didn't work right away had a small contribution to my constant swearing and bitter outlook on life, so thank you for that video rental store.

My first job ever was at a Mom and Pop Video rental store near my family's house on the mean streets of McLean VA (where the only way you could survive was by having six cars.) I was a sophomore in high school and worked about 30 hours every week over the summer, wearing a goofy white shirt and working behind the counter. The job was atrocious, sure we didn't get to watch movies on the screens while working like I had originally thought we would but we did get to take out movies for free once we signed them out as a consolation prize.

My boss was, how do I put this, a scum sucking asshole. He treated his employees like shit, paid them under the table so as to avoid paying taxes, and was very mean spirited all around. But Evan, you might ask, how can you prove this? Well good question. One day, I was working beside him at the counter, which I always dreaded, and he proceeded to get into a screaming match with a customer who had a late fee that the guy refused to pay that was like 4 dollars. My boss REFUSED to let this go and went so far as to follow the man outside and berate the man while he tried to get into his car. My boss tried to stop the man from leaving, while the man was driving, so in response, the guy slammed on his gas and barreled my boss through the window of the store.

Swear to God. He then proceeded to use that story to his advantage, talking about it constantly, almost posting a sign that said, "Hey I got hit through a window, rent my tapes!" Ok maybe not the latter but he might as well have.

Aside from my boss, the constant barrage of pissed off people helped in crushing my soul. I remember one guy came in piss ass drunk and once it was discovered that he had a huge overdue fee on Charlie's Angels, proceeded to berate me verbally and rip up his membership card, yelling, "I AIN'T NO FUCKING FAGGOT!".....Yeah. I will also always remember the case of a family that walked in with their two children.

One of the kids was a ten year old boy and the other was a six year old girl. The two parents wanted their kids to be able to write their address down on their own, so they used the video store and the membership applications as their "venue" for this "event". What followed had to be the weirdest fucking thing ever. First, the six year old girl wrote out her address in like a minute and proceeded to say, "All done!", meanwhile the ten year old boy was having some problems. The funny part was the kid was completely normal, there didn't seem to be any problems with him mentally from what I could tell which made this all the weirder. The ten year old proceeded to try to cheat off his six year old sister, to which his parents stopped him and said, "We aren't leaving until you write it."

This caused the boy to LOSE. HIS. SHIT. He ripped the paper apart and literally had a screaming temper tantrum in the middle of the store. I remember looking at this kid as he began chucking video tapes across the store and saying to the parents, "You know, he doesn't really need to fill out the membership application or anything."

This went on for twenty more solid minutes.....TWENTY. MINUTES. David, the apocalyptic boy who couldn't write his own address at the age of ten, made me just a little more bitter that day.

Another horrific story was when I had taken out a free video, as we were allowed to do, in Varsity Blues. I hadn't seen it before so I rented it out, and watched it. Late on Saturday night, I got a call from my boss who was losing his shit because I had a copy of Varsity Blues out, "ITS THE STORE'S NUMBER ONE MOVIE!", and he demanded that I return it immediately or I would be fired. I rolled my eyes, got into my car from whatever I was doing, and returned the video. Arg the horror.

So anyway, I've had a love/hate relationship with the video store during my life. I feel that when Netflix came along, and we didn't have to put up with Blockbuster's crap on a regular basis, the store was doomed. I found it hillarious when Blockbuster created Blockbuster online to try and compete with Netflix. Their pitch might as well have been, "Hey, we're Blockbuster. If you don't rent from us, you ain't shit. Its just like Netflix but twice as expensive and much slower. But again, we're Blockbuster. The fuck you gonna do?"

It was even funnier when they put together their fail safe plan of "No Late Fees......kind of?" where you would rent out a video and get it for two weeks, BUT if you forgot to bring it back after those two weeks, you would have to pay the price of the video. Fucking brilliant Blockbuster. Bravo. Granted you could bring back the video and pay a "re-stocking fee" but again, that IS a late fee, so the whole concept is retarded.

So, while we may always remember Blockbuster, I'll glady take Netflix and Gamefly any day of the week. Also, I'll be ready for those damn ants.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Evan Writes Twilight

Keeping in mind that I know nothing about Twilight outside of it having vampires, teenagers, and is genuienly considered to be garbage. I have seen the trailer once or twice and have heard accounts of the movie itself from a few friends who have seen it, but generally don't know shit about the overall plot/characters etc, so I thought I'd take a swing at writing a chapter or two. Here we go:

Twilight Chapter 1: The Twilighting

Susan McAverage stepped out of her dad's Toyota Chevy Hardcore Truck, loaded to the brim with pictures of the United States and bottles of Jim Beam. Today was her first day of high school at the sleepy town of "Mysteryville" and as she was the first member of her family to attend a school of any kind, the responsibility of bringing the McAverage name into the light of day fell on her.

"Don't worry Dad, I'll make you proud."

Susan's father shoved her out of the truck and threw her backpack out of the opposite window, watching it tumble quickly down a nearby hill. He then took a swig of a bottle of Jim Beam, slammed his foot on the accelerator and began playing Ted Nugent's "Wango Tango" as loudly as he could.
"See ya later boner!" was the last thing he said before peeling out away from Susan and hitting a nearby lamp post. Susan smiled knowingly.
"That's my daddy." She thought as she brushed herself off and arose to her feet. The prospect of a new school was exciting to Susan, but she was nervous that she wouldn't fit in. What's a new girl with a size two dress size and a 36 double D chest supposed to do when everyone already knows each other? Susan was getting more nervous. She would need to do her best to fit in.

"Hey new girl!" Susan swung around with a big smile on her face, ready to accept the challenges of her new school, staring at a group of cheerleaders whose arms were crossed and looking directly at her. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Mysterytown."

"MysteryTOWN? Uggghhh. That means you're from the country! Countrygirl! We instantly hate you! Right girls?" The cheerleaders nodded in unison, looking at each other and shaking their pom poms in unison. "You are such a loser. You should wear a bonnet on that perfectly proportioned head on top of that dead sexy body with no real imperfections to speak of."

"Stop it! You're so cruel." Susan wept openly, the cheerleaders chewing their gum and laughing in unison. Susan, in her confusion, tripped like a person with Down Syndrome on a nearby ledge only to witness an oncoming delivery truck hurling straight toward her. The driver was too busy reading Des Cartes to notice that Susan was there! Oh no!

"So the meaning of life is perpendicular to the meaning of the soul and.....OH SHIT BANANA!" The driver yelled out as he tried to spin the delivery truck around but it was too late, Susan was done for. Or thats what she thought until she noticed a figure dart in front of her and place his hand over her shoulder while also extending out his arm, stopping the truck instantly.

"Are you all right?" The figure asked as Susan gazed deeply into his cold, black eyes. His hair stood up straight like a penis ready for some action, his breath smelled like flowers and other shit that girls like, his strong hands felt like they had been making sausage in an abandoned warehouse with a meat grinder for the better part of the day.

"I'm....fine. Wow, you stopped that truck with your hand!"

"Ain't no thang." The figure stood up and brushed off his shoulder, before giving the driver the evil eye and walking away.

"Wait! I need to know the name of the man who saved me." Susan cried out as the figure stopped and walked back toward her.

"My name....is DJ Vampire 'n Shit." DJ Vampire 'n Shit instantly put on his Berkley sunglasses and snapped his fingers like it didn't matter at all. He began walking away as Susan followed.

"DJ Vampire?" Susan asked.

"'N Shit Bitch! 'N Shit! Damn! Making a mother fucker repeat himself twice like. God damn! Ain't you got no sense of timing and dramaticy" DJ Vampire 'n Shit lit up a Newport, took one puff and threw it on the ground, just because he could.

"Sorry. My name is Susan. Susan McAverage."

"Well McAverage, if you want to survive in the town of Mysteryville, I would suggest you watch where you be steppin."

"Good advice, tee hee." Susan bit her lip and began playing with her hair, realizing that she would be late for school but not really caring. "So uhhhmmm do you like go to school here or anything?"
"I go to the school of the damned. I play kickball in the nether regions of human darkness and sorrow. I eat lunch in the cafeteria of longing and pain. I dissect frogs in the science lab of despair. I go to the prom in the gym of nihilism. After school I get picked up by my mom in the minivan of degradation and sin."

"Radical. I'm from the country."
"Pssshhh shit bitch, quit tripping all over my words like you got down syndrome." DJ Spoke as he brushed off his shoulder.....TWO TIMES!
"Sorry about that. So, how did you stop that truck? What are you?"

"I think you know what I am. Say it!"

".....Are you a Frankenstein?" DJ Vampire slapped himself in the forehead. "Oh no I know. You're a mummy. That's why you're so pale."

"I'm a vampire bitch! DJ Vampire n Shit. God damn! You got a case of the stupids or something?" Susan looked at him with a confused look, causing DJ to roll his eyes. "Man whatever. Listen you want to go hit up my car and do the deed 'fore you got to be a bitch and go to school?"

"But if you're a vampire who's a million years old, wouldn't that be considered pedophilia?"


"DJ VAMPIRE N SHIT!" A booming voice burst through the night air, because it was night now for some reason. "WE MUST HAVE WORDS!"

"WHO THAT IS?" DJ Vampire responded.
"IT IS I! YOUR BROTHER! "Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap"!"

"Oh shit, my brother Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap." DJ Vampire 'N Shit was astonished to see his brother Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap. The two brothers were almost exactly alike, but Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap was bigger, stronger, hair was taller, and was all around better looking than his younger brother.

"We must settle our age old conflict. After countless eons of struggle, this age old battle must end and only one of us may survive the night, which it is now......which makes complete sense."

"But how can we settle that shit?" DJ questioned.
"The only way we know how. By playing baseball....with our shirts off!"


End Chapter 1

Monday, July 20, 2009

"Shaq vs" Oh the humanity.

Shaq is a rich man. Shaq is a man who can play a great game of basketball. Shaq is not very good at other things, but believes himself to be, which makes for a pretty entertaining time whenever you watch him do....well....anything really. This is why I am really looking forward to the newest show that Shaq has in the works which is appropriately named, "SHAQ VS."

Shaq has decided that all who oppose him will be crushed, but not only crushed by either him pummeling them to death with his mighty fists or him schooling them on the courts in basketball, oh no, in order to dispense justice, Shaq will own all fools in their God given talents. Shaq will compete with Michael Phelps in a "Who can swim the fastest competition" Oh I can just see how this is going to go.

Future competitions will include: Football against Ben Roethlisberger, Tennis against Serena Williams, Beach Volleyball against Kerri Walsh, boxing against Oscar De La Hoya, and the ability to create life against God. Shaq may actually be able to wreck Oscar De La Hoya in boxing if you think about it and I bet God is quaking in his boots on the life thing.

I say to Shaq, why stop at sports and deity competitions? Why not show your dominance in all walks of life? Take on the greatest teacher in the world and teach HIM knowledge on the world of Shaq (which includes the Superman Symbol, Kazaam, and DUNKING SICK BASKETS!). Take on Barack Obama in a presidential contest by balancing the country's budget....BY DUNKING OVER HIM! There's an old woman across the street from me who says she can macromai herself a sweet tea cozy, beat her at her own game.....BY BRINGING IT TO HOLE! While we're at it, why don't you show Elton John that....

I was actually going to say beating him in a piano playing competition but good effort Shaq, eye of the tiger! I look forward to your future endeavors, and hope that when you, Shaq, become president of basketball, you'll remember the little people who made it possible, like me, writing this blog entry.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Green Lantern is a racist!

Wow. What an asshole that Green Lantern is. SO racist. Every time I see him, all I can think of is how he uses his ring at clan rallies and Republican conventions. We all seem to be missing out on the real threat here, which is those fucking purple skin assholes. Man, they are always getting into my business like, "Hey, I have purple skin. Back off! What you want man? Just mind your business. Just mind your business."

But Evan, you say, Green Lantern isn't a racist just cause that guy says so. You're right, he's a racist because he fights "villains" who are committing "evil" deeds. "Villains" like the aptly named "Black Hand".

Man, what a raw deal this guy got. All he was doing was looking for his car keys using lit up dildo he found in his grandmothers closet. He wears the costume with an arrow on the mask so he remembers how to put it on. Yes, not only is the Black Hand representing his pride in another race, he also has down syndrome. Wow, Hal Jordan just takes pot shots at everybody.

And when Black Hand couldn't find his keys to drive Mr. Green Lantern to the store to get a pack of smokes, what do you think Mr. Jordan did?Yep, he burned his hand off. Oh the irony is delicious and wrong.

But you know what Black Hand is going to be all right. He's an optimistic guy and surely the loss of his hand won't deter him from achieving his dreams. Right BH?


Listen, if you're offered a power ring that turns you into a space cop, do the right thing and don't let the power go to your head. And also don't be a small infant.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Evan vs. The Metro

Welcome to the District of Columbia Metro system, the fifth circle of hell for traitors and thieves. We will take you where you want to go, but get ready to be crammed into a sardine before you get there you hopeless bastard! Muhahahah!

Ok, maybe thats a little much but you get the general idea.

I've been taking the Washington DC Public Metro ever since I started going to high school at Gonzaga in downtown DC and have continued doing so for a good portion of my life and let me tell you, the metro is a gift and a curse rolled into one abominable package. Recently its been more like the fucking Bumble from Rudolph the Reindeer before getting his teeth kicked in.

Now recently, a really horrible accident took place in the Metro which was one train ran into another and caused a few deaths, numerous injuries, and an overall "holy shit, everytime the metro squeaks and creeks, that's probably rats eating the brake cables, thus ensuring our untimely demise".

In response to this, or possibly the fact that metro has a less number of trains due to crashes and lack of money, there is now one train that is running for all of DC. Ok this is an exagerration but what isn't an exagerration is that there is basically one train coming every ten minutes for everyone. Every. Ten. Minutes. This is during rush hour mind you. I have never EVER seen or been in more cramped quarters than the ones that have been created now due to this accident.

When will this clear up, when will more trains be acquired, and when will we get more than one train every lunar cycle? Who knows. All I know is that I'm getting into work thirty minutes later every day, crammed against everyone and that isn't exactly thrilling.

Life taught me to love, the metro has taught me to hate. Here are things I now hate thanks to the metro:

1.) Backpacks/luggage/etc.

Ever since they started putting wheels on all bags and luggage, everyone has decided to wheel their shit around behind them at all times. I guess this is the next step in human evolution as we begin to move further and further away from doing......anything really. These little nightmares have become such a hassle for everyone who is not carrying the actual luggage. This luggage now makes one person turn into the equivalent of three, pulling it behind them and causing people to trip and crash into the side of metro walls. We're getting off at Metro station people, I don't see an airport! Why are you carrying that friggin thing?!?

2.) The "Voice" of the Metro

You know, the "voice", the woman who robotically and unemotionally tells people on the metro what steps to take when it comes to drinking soda or not getting your legs chopped off by an out of control train car. I have heard, "Step back, doors closing *Bing bong*" so many times that I hear it when I go to sleep now, its carved into my brain. Not only that but the "voice" also tries to feed everyone paranoia every once in awhile. "Excuse me, is that your bag? Please ask someone near a bag this question." the voice says as I'm waiting for a train. I roll my eyes as the "voice" apparently thinks that places like Adams Morgan and Van Ness are constant terrorist hotspots where unattended bags are harbingers of death. You have more of a chance of being killed by bees than terrorists, so why doesn't the "voice" tell me to watch out for bee hives or shark attacks or falling coconuts?

It would be way more easy to swallow a lot of the "voice's" advice if it were actually a cool voice like the voice from the movie trailers or Curly from the Three Stooges. "Hey! Make sure your baby doesn't fall on the third rail or else goodbye baby!......Yuck yuck yuck."

3.) The Metro Drivers.

Now this can be 50/50 for the most part, but a lot of the time, doesn't it seem like they're sitting up in the front and fucking with people? I remember one day recently there was a report that people were getting sick on the train which was causing delays and I noticed why as the train proceeded to start moving, then stop, then start again, then stop, then start again, then stop, and again and again and again before even reaching the next platform. Its like a roller coaster.....of boredom and depression.

4.) My nose.

The horrifying smells of people is amplified when you're trapped in a car with everyone and can't even move. I never really knew what depression smelled like until the Metro. Someone literally farted right next to me this morning and my soul started to cry.

5.) People.

Nothing makes you appreciate humanity more than being squeezed to death by the masses on a speeding bullet. Its kind of a test of your humanity in a way when you're on the metro in trying to beat the "pack" mentality of it. Its a rough thing to say but its true in some ways. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people SPRINTING to get on a train only to be caught in the doors, causing them to stall, swing open, then slam shut again as the person wiggles their way into the car. Charming. Even before the accident and the trains, people would do this ad nauseum. Yes, we all want to get where we want to go, but honestly, can't you just wait for the next car, it'll be there in a few minutes.

One instance, I was crammed into a car in the morning and the doors swung open and a man in a suit stood outside of the car. Now, the man did not believe there could possibly be no room for him in the car, even having seen the evidence that everyone was to the point of not being able to breath and proclaimed, "Could everyone just move in so I could get on the train?" People kind of shrugged after he said this, which caused him to get red and the face and say, "Yeah that's right, don't say anything!" as he stood there tapping his foot against the platform. "Unbelievable!" At that point, I wanted to take the business suited man and cram his face into the armpit of the fat old lady next to me and yell, "HERE YOU CAN HAVE IT!" Oh sweet justice.

So for the record, until this whole mess is cleared away, I would highly recommend taking your car into work cause the metro is fucking clownshoes at the moment.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Evan's Lessons from the Weekend!

Good morning Tales of a Gangly Bastard readers. Hope everyone had a nice and good weekend. Mine was quite long and relaxing for the most part. It was also very informative. I learned a number of things.
1.) The last thing that you ever want to say to a police officer is, "I'm going for your weapon!" This is the best way in the world to get choke slammed. Now keep in mind, I myself didn't do this but outside of a bar on Thursday night, I was witness to someone yelling this as he got taken to the ground. The kid was either so drunk or so hopped up on adrenaline, that when they started tasing him, he shrugged it off and yelled, "ITS FEELS GOOD! YOU'RE A BUNCH OF BITCHES!" It was funny and sad in the fact that the guy was literally one step away from me on the sidewalk and I forgot to take a picture. It reminded me of the "Don't tase me bro!" but in reverse. And no, thats not me in the picture, but a strange facsimile.

2.) The Angus burger at McDonald's is fan-fucking-tastic. I know I've been on the recent health kick recently, but when I heard that they were starting to serve these here in the DC area, as they do in NYC, I was giddy. Go out and try one of these at least once.

3.) I know where the Real World house is now. Its true. I visited it in a drunken stupor and actually spoke with one of the cast members. I asked him, "Hey, is this the Real World house?" he looked at me sadly and nodded his head, almost as if he didn't originally know what he was getting into. Jungo knew though. Jungo always knew. Here's a picture of the house by the way, pretty damn nice.

4.) Dead Set is an amazing show about zombies that was made by the BBC. It was about six episodes long. Watch it when you get the chance.

5.) I don't know what the story is behind this picture, but I NEED to. The dog looks like his brain is about to shoot out of his nose.

6.) I need to stop writing Thor so damn much and start writing standup again. I have the problem of being too much of a perfectionist though. Current new material I'm working on:

The Stork, Sarah Palin joke (wow how original), Dad fights a bear, and about a zillion other things I have brewing in my head that need to be put on paper. I also need to just debut Archibald F Trousers already.

7.) I am so torn on whether or not I should see Transformers 2. Half the people I know say it is the worst movie ever made while the other half says it is awesome. You can see why I am torn.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Evan Answers Questions

For today's blog, I thought I'd get some questions from my Rogues Gallery that I could answer. Feel free to keep throwing questions and I'll update accordingly.

Our first question is from Christopher Brooks and he asks,

"Dear Evan, Why don't you get a haircut?"

This is a good question. Chris has the ability to ask good questions because he does not have a job. People with no jobs can ask good questions.

Anyway, Chris, I tend to have two different hairstyles that I like to go for. Aside from the nice goatee I have going, which gives me a very Oliver Queen look going right now (Oliver Queen is the Green Arrow, as pictured below):

I usually like to have my hair either fairly long or really short. I've always been kind of "Shaggy" in that respect. At some point, I'll shave it all off again and start the whole process over. When I had my "ultra shaved look", a girl told me I looked like an "IRA Terrorist". I tipped my hat, blew up the bar we were in, and then skipped away. Everything worked out fine.

So basically, at some point in the near future, I'll shave it all off again or clean it up a little.

Our next question comes from Mr. Ben Russell. Hello Ben. His question is:

"What's the strangest thing you've ever intentionally placed in your ear, nose, and/or throat?"

Well Ben, thats a good question. When I was six years old, I was playing with a pile of marbles and beads that a member of my family had left lying around. During which, I thought it would be a great idea to see how far I could jam a bead up my nose and then shoot it out by blowing out air. I crammed a bead up my nose and then tried to shoot it out.....No good. I tried again, nope still crammed up there. I started to panic and went a good 30 minutes before giving up and tugging at my mom's dress.

"Mom" I said. "I have a bead stuck up my nose."

She panicked and was trying to get it out by spraying water up my nose to no success. So off to the doctor we went where proceeded to shoot some kind of gunk up there and used some tweezers to get the bead out. Remember that scene from Total Recall?Kind of like that.

Our next question is from Mr. Chris Piers, editor of the comic books Invincible and The Walking Dead. His question is:

"Where did you first do standup?"

In the upper part of the cafeteria of my college senior year. It was part of an event my school had set up, their own little "Last Comic Standing" competition. The original prize for the winner was going to be "Winner gets to open up for Lewis Black, who will be coming to campus in a few months". Through the urging on of a couple of friends, I signed up for the competition. I took a day off classes and just wrote some jokes.

I can remember a few of them, I know that I wasn't anywhere near as polished as I am now and probably flubbed more than a few words. One joke was about God and Jesus working in an office where they both get hammered at a Christmas party. God of course is bragging about how Jesus is the perfect son and God gives him the ultimate advice of "never stick it in the crazy".

I did a joke, which is now infamous that I have never EVER done since, about the fact that starting off doing comedy amongst friends is probably the best way to go. But the more experienced, you get, the harder the venue should be. I then talked about Jerry Seinfeld doing standup comedy in a cancer ward. Doing a really bad Seinfeld impression and an impression of someone with a robot voice who more than likely had throat cancer.

"Hey, what's the deal with cancer am I right?"
"We're dying!"

Ironically, I ended up winning the competition, unfortunately Lewis Black backed out of having a kid open for him so I got $200 instead. Not too shabby. Unfortunately, someone had taken offense to the joke about cancer.

Immediately after the show, a small girl tapped me on the shoulder and said (I'll never forget this until the day I die.), "You know my dad has cancer, but congratulations on your win, you fucking prick." and stormed off. I sat there, simply stunned and swore to never do standup comedy again. Oh but it didn't end there.

Because a week later, in the school newspaper, the same girl wrote an article entitled, "Last Comic Standing: No Laughing Matter"

In the article, which is real and can be viewed at the following website (http://media.www.loyolagreyhound.com/media/storage/paper665/news/2005/02/22/Opinion/last-Comic.Standing.Not.A.Laughing.Matter-871648.shtml) she wrote the following:

"I, for one, had to leave in the beginning of Mr. Valentine's comedic act when he joked about cancer patients. I must congratulate him for a close to perfect presentation of my father during his sickness. Not only did he speak as my dad did (because of his trach-tube) but he also seemed to know that cancer patients need some kind of comedy in their life by pointing out how beginning comedians perform in cancer wards in the hospital. As soon as Mr. Valentine's hand went over his throat to imitate the voice, I saw my dad dying in our family room and immediately had to leave."

Ouch. My soul.

I wrote a rebuttal that was very indepth and well thought out but man, did it cut me deep. Eventually, after college, I started doing open mics in Arlington at the now defunct Dr. Dremo's and met up with a number of comedians and went from there. But I will never EVER forget the controversy and insanity of the first time I did standup, thats for damn sure.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Jon and Kate Plus 8: Interview #2 (THE DIVORCE!) Kate's Side

Evan: Good morning Kate.

Kate: Sit up straight.

Evan: Excuse me?

Kate: Sit up straight, your posture is terrible.

Evan: Uhhh ok? *Sits up in his chair*

Kate: That's better. Now proceed with asking me questions.

Evan: Well to start, how are you handling the divorce?

Kate: Its a tough situation, but like my mother used to tell me, "Weakness is pain leaving the body bitch, now give me thirty more push ups." Then I would puke into a bucket and she'd kick me in the face. Meeemmmoorrriieeesss.

Evan:..........Fair enough.

Kate: But most important is that the kids are taken care of in my glorious, iron fisted monarchy that is our family.

Evan: Excuse me, your what?

Kate: My monarchy. My regime. My "kingdom" if you will. Jon was able to escape my efforts through "divorce", pshaw, but those kids are mine until they turn 18 and rest assured, punishment will be evenly distributed. Work is freedom after all.

Evan: Weren't those the words written over Auschwitz?

Kate: Oh yeah! That's where I heard that. You know those Nazis, they were all right.


Kate: Well ok, mostly not for the killing part but for the work ethic and dedication to their craft. Truly an inspiration.

Evan: Moving on.....do you have plans today for what the kids will be doing?

Kate: Well first its nap time, thats the time when I get to stare meaninglessly into the cold abyss of the outside world. Then comes play time for them......when I continue to stare meaninglessly into the cold abyss of the outside world.

Evan: Well I mean, you could play with your children and have fun with them.

Kate: Hahaha Fun, oh my hahahaha does not compute hahaha Oh my.

Evan: *raises an eyebrow* So you've been on the road a lot, do you find that your fans are sympathetic with your plight.

Kate: Oh sure, I mean even before the divorce I would love going out on the road so I could give my fans the advice that they need and in return, they'd give me assplay.


Kate: Heresay. They'd give me heresay about the various trials and tribulations that they themselves have gone through in their lives.

Evan: I thought you said something different.

Kate: Sometimes your ears play tricks on you. Applesauce.

Evan: Oooooookkkkkkk. Moving on again. Do you feel that sometimes you need to get away from everything?

Kate: I do. Sometimes I definitely feel this. Sometimes I want to find a castle in the middle of a small European country, build myself a suit of armor and lord over that place so that they may all be my children.

Evan:.......You mean like Dr. Doom?

Kate: I'm not familiar with who that is but he's a-ok in my book! And I will be not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morn! Treacherous as the Seas! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall love me and despair!

Evan: JESUS! *Roof begins coming down around Evan and Kate as Kate begins growing in size. Kate smashes through the walls of studio, Evan is crushed underneath a large pillar*

Kate: GONE! GONE THE FORM OF MAN! *Kate's reign of destruction began here.*

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Jon and Kate Plus 8: Interview #2 (THE DIVORCE!) Jon's Side

Hi guys, so using my Hollywood connections I was once again able to interview each of the parents from Jon and Kate Plus 8. Unfortunately, due to the divorce proceedings, I was only able to interview them one at a time. Here's what Jon had to say:

Evan: Hello Jon, how are you today?

Jon: Gotta tell you bro, I'm feeling a-ok!

Evan: That's good, I actually thought this would be a hard time for you, with the divorce underway and everything.

Jon: Heck no man! I'm a 32 year old bulldog who has been let off his leash and is on the prowl after his testicles miraculousy have grown back after being snipped by a crazy veterinarian with no class! NO CLASS!

Evan: Uhhhmmm.....what?

Jon: Mothers, lock up your daughters! Because the way I see it, a man has become bitten by a radioactive penis which gives him sexual powers that were originally restrained by an evil sorceress but are now free to spread love and joy to all the females out there in the world tonight. Man Penis is born!

Evan: Excuse me?

Jon: Man Penis! That's me! Man Penis!





Evan: What in God's name are you talking about?

Jon: Listen square, I'm only 32 years old. I have a motorcycle and I had the abilty to put 8 babies inside one woman. You know how much street cred that gets me? OOOO WEEE!

Evan: Fair enough. Nice earrings by the way.

Jon: You mean my sparklies? Yeah, chicks dig em. *sniff* Guess I'm something of a super stud.

Evan: So I guess you're taking this divorce in stride. Do you feel badly at all for the kids?

Jon: Do I feel for my children? Of course I do. I've been a father for nearly a decade and I would give my life for each and every one of those children. Throughout all of the hardships and trials that I've needed to endure to really give them the opportunities that I never had when I was their age, to be able to provide for them and love them like no other parents would. To be able to give them the experience of growing up with their brothers and sisters and watching them grow, while sheltering them and giving them experiences they'll never forget is a thing of beauty.

Evan: Any words of wisdom for them?

Jon: Yes. Sons and daughters of me, live proud and live free and don't take shit from nobody. Sons, grow up strong. Daughters, don't be like your mother.

Evan: Wait a minute.....

Jon: What?

Evan: What are your sons and daughters' names?

Jon: *nervously* Th-their names?

Evan: Yeah. Their names. Surely you know their names.

Jon: Of course I do. Why I'm offended by even the mere mention....I mean you know theres.....the gay one.....and that one with the glasses.....and the one who sneezed that one time into the sink......and Doc?

Evan: Those aren't their names.

Jon: Was that the phone?

Evan: I didn't hear any.....HEY! *Evan grabs Jon as the 32 year old man quickly tries to climb out the window of the establishment*


Evan: Sit down and I will!

Jon: Fine! *Jon proceeds to sit down* Whatever man.

Evan: How is the band coming al....

Jon: ASIAN PERSUASION? GREAT MAN GREAT! We about to kick off our three state tour. Here's our album, fresh off the presses!

Evan: *Evan gags in horror* You're all naked on this album cover.

Jon: Fuck yeah! That nakedness represents our ability to blend into our surroundings without "man's law" getting in the way.

Evan: That makes no sense, I can clearly see all of you! And the name of the album is...."The only 8 kids I got are the beers in my fridge"? Good Lord!

Jon: Its a metaphor.

Evan: For what?

Jon: For drinking kicking ass, am I right??? *Jon places his hand up in the air awaiting a high five, Evan looks at it with contempt, Jon places his hand down*

Evan: Yeeaaahhhh. So one last thing, do you feel you have anything else to say?

Jon: Oh yeah. Jon Gosling will be at McSwinger's Party Lounge tonight from 8 to 10 PM as part of the Wacky Pack 94.7 Morning Palooza. I'll be handing out "Team Jon" t-shirts with my new slogan written on it. "GA-GOOSH! Don't take SHIT from NOBODY!"


Friday, June 19, 2009

Evan's getting poignant!

The society we've made for ourselves on this little ball of mud and water is something unique isn't it? We continue to expand and evolve with technology and communication into this weird hybrid of being united through electricity and wires, and in that, we kind of desensitize one another to the human experience in a way. Its a weird symbiotic tendency I guess with the progression of technological mastery. We will encounter more people through a rectangular glowing picture box than actual face to face meetings.
I remember reading this short story back when I was in 6th or 7th grade about teleporters being all the rage, obviously this was fiction....unless everyone's keeping a ridiculously huge secret from me, and people stopped going outside completely because the teleporters did all the work for them in getting them where they needed to go. Of course, no one really took into account the "Brundle Fly" scenario in this story, but you get the idea.

I wonder how similar something would happen if these things really did exist (The isolation I mean, not Jeff Goldblum's predicament) Regardless, I'm going off on a tangent.

The point I'm trying to make with this is that in a lot of ways, we're losing something of ourselves with the replacement of technology for most of our everyday needs. Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily. Maybe we're having those things we lost replaced with something else that could ultimately make us better in the long run. Who's to say?

Regardless of our evolution, we as a people are depraved. We're inadequate. We can do things to one another that are beyond reprehension and cause untold heartbreak. But we are also beautiful. We're intelligent. We create remarkable works of creativity and every so often, will show one another that we are capable of accomplishing great things. Most importantly, we can be there for each other.

Its a balancing act and while we hear more about the former, I hope that the latter takes place just as much if not more for every occurrence of hatred or spite or malice or what have you. But my thoughts on this is that the greatest thing that we have as a people is our creativity. Through stories, through poems, through imagination, you're taking a part of yourself, the best part, and laying it out for people to see, for people to enjoy. Its selfish and selfless.

So how did I get onto this topic? Well it was due to this story I read this morning:

"HUNTINGTON BEACH – Colby Curtin, a 10-year-old with a rare form of cancer, was staying alive for one thing – a movie. From the minute Colby saw the previews to the Disney-Pixar movie Up, she was desperate to see it. Colby had been diagnosed with vascular cancer about three years ago, said her mother, Lisa Curtin, and at the beginning of this month it became apparent that she would die soon and was too ill to be moved to a theater to see the film.
After a family friend made frantic calls to Pixar to help grant Colby her dying wish, Pixar came to the rescue. The company flew an employee with a DVD of Up, which is only in theaters, to the Curtins’ Huntington Beach home on June 10 for a private viewing of the movie."

For the rest of the story, go here: http://www.ocregister.com/articles/pixar-up-movie-2468059-home-show

Up was a masterpiece and through that piece of creativity, they were able to make a little girl's last few hours on earth special. It made her hold on for a little while longer and their act of kindness is really just the representation of the best we have to offer as a people.

People ask me what I hope to accomplish with comedy and all the creative stuff I've done and continue to do. I don't really respond this way as I'm much less intricate and thoughtful when I'm talking with someone face to face rather than typing the words into a text box like I am right now, but I've accomplished what I started doing comedy for. I've made people happy in some way or another. I've brightened days, made people laugh and helped them to forget about their troubles. I wish I could do it on a more frequent basis but I'm hopeful that when I'm long gone, I'll be remembered for putting together jokes/stories/rock epics that made people chuckle if only for a little while. I hope that that is my mark on the world.

Oh and also......Fart.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Funniest Moment in Television History

"What the hell is she doing here? Really? I'll tell you what I'm doing here. You wanna know what I'm doing here, shit-for-brains? I had sex with your dad! That's right! I had sex with your father, because just like you I like my sex old and ugly! And with fake hair on their heads that falls off when you're having sex with them! It just falls off because that's what you do, Dennis Reynolds - you like to have sex with old people! And you said that you loved me! You said "I love you", and so I thought "Okay, well, I love you too"! How do you show love? You go and have sex with old people! SO THAT'S WHAT I DID TOO!"

Seriously, if you have never watched "Its Always Sunny in Philidelphia", do so. As a standup comedian, I know what is funny and this show is my absolute funniest show of all time.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I'm Single, Yeah I know

So yeah, this was one I was debating writing about. Its true, I'm single. I got out of a... well I don't really think I'd call it a serious relationship, but it was a relationship a few months back. It still hurts a bit as most of these things tend to, I mean I had known her for years before we jumped into it and the old adage is usually "that great couple always started out as friends first". There would be times when I would sit there and smile and think, "Wow. This is going to be the one" as we'd both make crude jokes to one another, laughing our asses off sitting in a parking lot after a rock show. And for each of those instances there were definitely an equal amount of "What the fuck am I thinking with this???" but you know thats what relationships are. Its yet another example of this weird camp that people fall into when they are single in their mid 20's, those who are simply not ready/willing for a serious relationship, and those who are looking but can't seem to find what they are looking for.

Its rough for single folk out there a lot of the time, as people kind of give you this, "Holy shit, you're single?" look, like you have the plague. Of course it always stings a little when you see your friends are getting married or in these serious relationships and you're just the "eccentric goofball who hooks up with various girls on a regular basis". And thats something that worries me of course, the fact that I'm viewed as "the eccentric goofball" like through my jokes and creativity I kind of can't be taken seriously a lot of the time.
I'd be lying if I didn't say a big part of me working out and dieting to such an extreme degree wasn't over the fact that it will just make the process easier without having to put ridiculous degrees of effort into it, but of course, we all know that in relationships, its all about effort. Its about compromise and all that good crap.

In terms of settling down, I think we as a society have this weird mentality that it NEEDS to happen as early as possible, meanwhile the divorce rate in the country is what 40 percent? I mean a lot of my friends in college were these hardcore Christian kids which was just the weird group that I fell into, which had its good and bad qualities of course like everything. Most of them have just gotten married to the first girl they had "seriously dated" and went right out of the gates in their early 20s. I'm not going to go off on that and "poo-poo" someone for making that decision, if they felt that that was the right thing for them to do at the time, well then more power to them. Me on the other hand, shit. I had no idea who the fuck I was or what the fuck I wanted in my early 20s. Its about developing into the person you plan on being and finding someone who can fit into that mold.

So, for my fellow single people out there, I thought I would list a number of places that I have looked and been successful in meeting people.
1.) The Bars. This is kind of a weekly ritual for me and my friends. Go to a bar, have fun, drink, rinse, repeat. I've met a number of women through just being my usual witty self and the fact that I'm kind of easy to spot in a crowd tends to help me in that department. Its not really a place to meet "girlfriend material" but you know, bars are there to have fun.
2.) The Metro. This takes balls more than anything else but its just about starting up conversations with people who catch your eye and give you that "Oh well I'm not really paying attention, I'm reading this book about Women's Rights, but you know if you want to come over and talk for a bit, feel free to, kay?"
3.) Comedy Shows. Well this puts me in the spotlight a little bit more and of course this is always a good thing. This is also bad in the consideration that my "comedy persona" is a little out there. Its funny, I have a very Jekyll and Hyde thing going when it comes to comedy me vs regular me.
4.) Internet. Yeah I know, not exactly the most awesome place but it works sometimes and you get to meet a lot of great people.
So when you're feeling down about being single or something, don't be. There's millions of people out there in the exact same boat. Its just about finding that right one who makes you laugh, who will be there for you through thick and thin, who puts themselves on a completely different level than everyone else. Well regardless of who I marry in the future, at least they'll know they'll get a kick ass last name out of the deal.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Ghost Hunters can Fuck Off

Somewhere right now there's a man who has lost his home. He's sifting through garbage in order to get the latest bit of food that will help to prolong his life another day, primarily based on survival instincts rather than anything else. He has lost his family, he has lost his entitlement to humanity, he has lost his place in the social order of society, clinging to what little he had in a make shift shelter pieced together from cardboard cutouts of Jack Sparrow and toilet paper. He once had a life, he once had hopes and dreams, he was once successful, he had children and legacies and Satuday soccer games and ballet lessons and aspirations and bills and headaches and everyday problems. Now, he has to worry about rats eating his leftover Arby's Big Beef and Cheddar thats three days old he found after taking off a used condom from the top. He'd kill himself, but he doesn't have enough money for a gun and can't jump off a building, because you need to have shoes to enter into the building in the first place. This man's life is in shambles, regardless of his talents, regardless of his skills, regardless of everything.

Meanwhile, these assholes get paid for walking through dark places and acting scared about shit.

Yes, for today's entry, I'm going off on the assholes who are the inappropriately dubbed, "Ghost Hunters" I mean technically, they do "hunt ghosts" in the same way that I "hunt Bigfoot" by just looking into a forest whenever I pass one in a car or running or something.

To further explore the definition of what these two "experts" are supposed to be, the definition of a hunter is "a person or animal that seeks out and kills or captures game".

In this case, the "game" would be the "ghosts" who haunt establishments such as mansions, farms, graveyards, and museums where old pieces of the Titanic are currently being held because the ghosts of those who died MUST follow these pieces wherever they dwell regardless of any evidence stating as such. OOOOoooOOOOooOOOOooOOOO.

Now, would you like to take a guess as to how many "ghosts" the "Ghost Hunters" have "killed or captured?" There have been 4 seasons spanning over 5 years so thats roughly over 70 episodes at least. Surely these experts must have caught at least 5 ghosts, possibly killed one? Don't exactly know how one "kills" a ghost but these are "Ghost Hunters" after all.

Ok, lets look this up. Aaanndd the answer issssss......zero. Shocker. After 5 years, the Ghost Hunters have caught aproximately zero ghosts and accidentally killed six people using "ghost bullets" which were actually just regular bullets with the words "Fuck Ghosts" etched into the sides, thus in fact CREATING more ghosts!.....All right the latter is a lie, but how awesome would that be if they just started firing randomly into the darkness whenever they heard a sound or felt something "GRAB MY LEG"!

Realistically, maybe I'm being a little harsh on them. Surely they must have scientific degrees in the paranormal and have studied extensively on the aspects of a possible afterlife, spending decades researching philosophies on the afterlife and the psychological implications of death. Hold on a second, let me wikipedia them. Aaannnddd they're plumbers.

Yes the mighty Ghost Hunters have used their extensive knowledge of shit caked pipes and ass cracks to breach the world of the supernatural. Plumbers "fighting" ghosts, where have I heard that one before?

The Ghost Hunters are in fact a real life version of the Mario Brothers, only much much worse. Unlike the Mario Brothers, who killed thousands of ghosts by wearing raccoon suits and shooting fireballs out of their hands, the Ghost Hunters merely look scared at various locales, say, "Well I guess the spirits are at rest now", leave, go home, and drown their sorrows in beer and alimony.

The Hunters popularity is mind boggling however, as people fucking LOVE to watch two grown men act confused in night vision goggles. There are currently three spin offs including, "Ghost Hunters International", "UFO Hunters", And "The Othersiders" which is Ghost Hunters for Kids.


I challenge the Ghost Hunters to find ONE ghost....EVER! Justify your existences damn you! Capture Abraham Lincoln and have him tell us where he hid the gold he stored underneath his hat! Ask the ghost of Hitler how he felt regarding his portrayal in the Tom Cruise flick Valkyrie! Ask Ghandi how he feels about Arby's Big Beef and Cheddar Sandwich!

*Sigh* Forget it. These two men have created a monopoly on being scared and shrugging their shoulders. Who wants to join me and be "Loch Ness Monster Hunters"? There's probably a market for that.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Captain Who is Coming Back?

I know that we have heard a lot of rumors and I know that we have been waiting very patiently for this certain Captain to return but finally, after all this time, the wait is over.

Yes after a long time when this character had been shot in the chest and left for dead, he has returned from the grave to help us all.
Yes ladies and gentlemen have no fear, because Captain Ireland is BACK!

Captain Ireland of course was created by the Irish government as a peace keeping symbol of the Irish way of life, dipped into a vat of radioactive Guinness, the Green, orange, and White dynamo has dedicated himself to truth, justice, and debauchery.

Captain Ireland has a number of abilities that make him far and away above the mortal man:

- Super Human Strength

- The ability to recite all of Boondock Saints

- Can get drunk either super quick or not at all, depending on the temperature outside.

- Snakes get the fuck outta Dodge when he's around!

- The ability to pull off wearing a derby hat and yelling at people in Gaellic.

- Be Pale!

- And of course, lest we forget, Captain Ireland always has his trusty leprechaun by his side, who's been dead for 13 years, on straps attached to Cap's arm that he hurls at people as if it were a frisbee.

Weaknesses include: Not drinking! Things that are not green! Horsing around too little! Manual Labor in exchange for currency! Televisions with more than 3 channels! Every day that is not March 17th! Driving a car! Driving a car into a place that is not a lake! Driving a car that is not on fire! Driving a car that has wheels! Driving a car that has wheels that is not named "St. Patrick's Dick"!

So everyone can sleep well at night knowing that Captain Ireland is on the job and is coming to a town near you, dead or alive!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Famous Valentines

Special weekend edition folks. Usually I keep this to Monday through Friday, but its a lazy Sunday and I felt like doing some writing.

My last name is Valentine, as you all know, and I gotta say its a pretty awesome last name. The first name I could give or take, but having the last name of Valentine always meant I would do something against the norm. I landed into the comedy/alternative field, where I could have easily become a private investigator or a porno star based on my last name alone. So I thought I'd take the time to look at some of the famous "Valentines" throughout the ages.
Skeeter Valentine

Skeeter Valentine was of course a character from the old show, "Doug". Always a good friend, a sidekick as it were to the main protagonist that was Doug. Skeeter was something of an idiot savante, he could calculate the hexadecimals in a neutron star and discover the intricacies of Freud's human psychological prospectives, but he also made fart noises as a reflex and honked on a constant basis. Something of a balancing act to be sure. Skeeter though did a good job of representing the "Valentine" badge in being an all around nice guy. Always there for his friends and was able to overcome the fact that he was blue in a world where people were orange, green, pale, and magenta.

St Valentine

There have been a number of saints who were the original inspiration for "Valentine's Day", and he was an inspirational Martyr. Its kind of odd that the day that a Roman priest was beheaded and executed, we give our loved ones chocolates and roses. Lord knows, I've heard enough cracks about my name on the ever revolving February 14th. Good times.

Greg the Hammer Valentine

One of the all time great wrestlers of all time, I always thought that I was somehow related to this guy in some weird way back when I was 7, sitting in the limelight of Wrestlemania from the recesses of the basement of my parents' house in Wintergreen. The guy was a great wrestler and obviously created a name for himself with that, but I find it funny that he has something of an "old woman face". I think you could transfer his face onto the body of an elderly bingo junkie and you wouldn't really be able to tell the difference. On a somewhat related subject, when I was in Kindergarden, one of the fathers of a girl in my class was Big John Stud, the first winner of WWF's Royal Rumble. I don't really stay abreast of the wrestling world nowadays, but back then, having a famous wrestler come to your house and helicopter you ala Zangief from Street Fighter was pretty damn sick.

Evan Valentine

Now this one is a piece of work. Living in Washington DC, a kind of tall-ish Tim Robbins looking gentleman. Quite articulate when it comes to creating pieces of creative work and dialect, he's something of a walking cartoon character in some respects. Definitely good for a laugh, that's for sure. What will the future hold for this gangly bastard I wonder. Maybe one day he'll settle down and have a family, spreading the benefit of his many years on earth to his children, looking back on the years when he was sitting in smoke filled basements recording epic musicals, smoke filled bars rattling his thoughts through a microphone, and punching the keys of a laptop to put his thoughts on cyberspace for everyone to read throughout the history of humanity. Who knows?

Evan Valentine - Porno Actress

.....................................Don't really have the words for this one. Considering there's an 18 year old Asian porno actress with my name. Well, at least she's being creative.

Friday, June 12, 2009

The Worst, Most Pathetic Job Ever

Hmmm. Now I've thought about this and come to the conclusion of what is the worst and most ridiculous/pathetic job that I could think of and it came back to one job and one job alone:

Yes, its the guys who put on the giant headed president suits and dance around/race across Nationals Stadium. What kind of pathetic unbelievable loser decides, "Hey you know what? I'm going to get paid less than minimum wage before I go to grad school and ride around on a segway, while simultaneously desecrating the memories of our founding fathers!"

Let's really take the time to examine this shall we? Its quite ghoulish when you think about it. Wearing the cartoonish visage of a dead man. Comically falling over in giant prosthetic heads while the presidents roll around in their graves because you feel the need to piss all over their memories. Now as a comedian, I make fun of people sure, its part of the job, but at least I leave them some shreds of dignity, and in doing so keep my dignity intact as well. If I were to go on stage and wear a giant plastic head of Susan B Arthur while doing a joke about her, she'd burst forth from her grave and strangle me to death. How do you think George Carlin REALLY died?

On top of this, we should examine the person who is inside one of these outfits. First off, they have no "life" to speak of. More than likely they have become shells of their former selves, the twinkle in their eye being replaced with a horror and disdain towards society that not even their best friends could begin to contemplate. Their hideous facial features, I'm guessing a mix between Forrest Gump and Dumbo with a gap in their teeth, covered by something that can finally have them accepted by society, kind of like how the village idiot was accepted by the townfolk for dropping his pants at the women folk during the monthly town meeting at the beer hall. Their emotional and mental states are walking a tight line between insanity and passive aggressive displacement.

Should these poor bastards ever have any kind of long lasting relationship, the nightmares of having been a human joke will surely catch up with them.

Imagine having sex with your loved one and while they scream out for you to say their name, instead you yell out, "Abraham Lincoln was the tallest American president!" Your loved one instantly stops, horrified, and while you, faux-Lincoln, attempt to cover your mouth, you instantly go flaccid. The only thing that will "get you off" from this point forward is recognition that your life was not a lie, and lets be serious, you wore a giant Teddy Rosevelt head and galivanted across a baseball diamond in front of tens of thousands of people, that shit ain't happening anytime soon.

Ok, you're probably saying "Whoa Evan. That seems a little rough don't you think? I mean its all in good fun. Everyone is having a laugh and the presidents aren't being disrespected THAT much." You know you're probably right. Maybe I'm being a little rough on these guys. I'm sure they're just normal folks and aren't really the horrifying stunted man children I'm making them out to be. Its not like they're REALLY disrespecting the things that these men lived and died for in their times.
Oh look, George Washington is about to receive the baton from a giant taco. I'm sure that's what Georgie had in mind when he was fighting for American freedom on the war torn country side against insurmountable odds.

Folks, how about we unite together and do something about "bad" comedy like this? How about we as a people step up and say, "You know what? This sucks balls! Can't we be entertained in a way that is thought provoking without giggling at human chuds wearing stupid costumes?"
Oh no, Roosevelt's on to me. Based on his demeanor, he's sex deprived and retard strong. This is going to be a rough one kids. Tell my family I.....!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Real World is coming to DC!

Yes, you heard me right. MTV's the Real World is going to start filming in Dupont Circle for their next season and there isn't a chance in hell that I'm missing out on getting in on the festivities.

So I'm going to list off a number of things that I am going to do when the filming begins to really show the members of The Real World: Washington DC that DC is a great place to party and hang out.

1.) I will show up on the first day of filming wearing a fake moustache and proceed to say that I am the fifth cast member and my name is Jungo. Whenever someone asks me a question, I will repeat, "My name is Jungo! JUNGO!" I will slap whatever they are holding in their hands at this point, if they are holding nothing, I will ask them politely to hold a plate or a glass, then smack it away from them.

2.) Once getting ejected from the house, I will proceed to sit outside of the house, smoking newports and yelling for the "assholes inside" to play the Jonas Brothers, as they are part of MTV and should do as I say, as I am a resident of Washington DC.


4.) I will be hanging out at Dupont Circle bars (The Big Hunt for example) looking out for the cast members and the camera crews. When I see the cast members and the camera crew in tow, I will wave and yell out, "Hey! Its me! JUNGO! We spoke on the phone remember???"

5.) I will buy the cast members shots and ask, "So which one is the Puck of the house?" However they reply, I will instantly laugh and say, "That's such a Puck thing to do." I will then refer to that person as Puck for the rest of the night, constantly interupting other peoples' conversations, demanding that "Puck" be allowed to contribute to the conversation.

6.) I will ask the cast members to define what "Music Television" means and instantly inform them that they are wrong! Music television is obviously a channel that should be populated with shows about pre-pubescent girls getting railed in buses and taking lie detector tests.....while getting railed in buses. I will ask the cast members if they had seen the most recent episode of "My Super Sweet 16" or "Sex.....with mom and dad." If they reply no, I'll lean over to another cast member and in a very loud voice, proceed to ask, "The fuck is wrong with this knob job?"

7.) Once everyone has gotten wasted, I will then speak to the cast members about how "The Real World" will be the only thing of significance that they will ever do or be remembered for. Even if they discover the cure for cancer, which seems doubtful as I don't think that many biologists are part of the Real World demographic, they will still always be remembered for breaking the condom in the hot tub and contracting an STD....FROM JUNGO!

8.) When asked about my standup comedy by the cast members, I will ask them a question in response as in, "Who are your favorite comedians?" No less than 5 cast members will say Dane Cook. One will ask what it means to "stand up?"

9.) To fit in with the cast of the Real World, I'll proceed to vomit repeatedly in the bathroom, do more shots that necessary, make out with every hot chick in the bar, get into a fight, talk about how I had a traumatic experience because my ATV off road didn't start one time, and then rinse and repeat.

10.) Popped Collar! Popper Collar! Popper Collar!

11.) When questioned as to whether or not my real name is in fact, "Jungo" I will hang my head in shame and proceed to say,

"No. My name is not Jungo. My name is Evan Valentine. SON OF HAROLD! SON OF WENDY! COMEDIAN ART WARRIOR! BANISHER OF DEMONS! HARBINGER OF HILARITY! WEARER OF SIZE 15 SHOES! SHAGGY FROM SCOOBY DOO GOT NOTHING ON ME!" At which point I will begin peppering out body slams to everyone in the bar, which will cause a domino effect where body slams become the main focus of every show on MTV. While this is all happening, I'll be flexing on the roof of the establishment, making my law known to the masses on National Television. Thank you Real World, for visiting the lovely and wonderful DC.