Tuesday, November 10, 2009
So times are tough. The Health Care System in our country is broken, while the third world country that is Canada is somehow supplying free health care to their citizens. How is this possible? Where did America fail? Is it because we don't like hockey? Maybe its due to our lack of syrup?
Well I'm going to tell you a surefire way for the US to supply each of our citizens with a rock solid plan that we can all follow for each of us to have a solid future in health care's kind arms in 5 easy steps. So here we go:
1.) Throw water on the Homeless to make them melt like they were the Wicked Witch of the West.
Yes according to my ex girlfriend (boy I wish I was joking about this one), Homeless people are akin to evil witches who, when doused with a hefty bucket of water, will begin to melt into the ground allowing for an America that is purely white and thus completely fixing the health care problems. Man Republicans from Ohio who also happened to draw up terrorist plots for some reason (REALLY WISH I WAS JOKING ON THIS ONE) sure do have a vast knowledge of what America needs.
Have you ever seen a bear get sick? I haven't! Lets follow in the bear lifestyle and begin going to sleep for months at a time. I don't see claws on my fingers so obviously something is wrong. Maybe if we were to lay on our backs and growl at salmon, we may never get sick again? Think about it.
3.) Get REALLY drunk!
Because if we're really drunk all the time, there is no way that anything can hurt us. One time I stubbed my toe while hammered and it only kind of hurt. BAM!
4.) Talk about sports. ALL THE TIME!
Hey remember how you got married when you were 21 and instantly went to get your law degree because you wanted to take the easy way out and have a lot of money but also have the most mundane life of anyone ever? Looking at forms from day to day, slowly watching your body decay into nothing while the woman you married slowly drifts further and further away from you because you got hitched at such a young age that you hadn't really developed into the person that you were meant to be? HEY DEREK JETER HIT A HOME RUN! Time to talk with all your friends about it who are in the exact same situation that you're in. United in your silent depression. Rather than trying to foster your creative side or put any thought into making an impact in the world, its time to discuss the achievements of others ad nauseum.....Oh wait what's that? Oh right health care. Uhhmmm. Shit.
5.) Become the Incredible Hulk
Follow these easy steps and you will never be sick again.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Well to lay it down in easy to digest bites, I moved to a new place, recorded lots of new stuff, did some comedy shows, put in relationship time, did massive amounts of 9 to 5 work, finished my Thor musical, and am now trying to adjust to all the goings ons.
Anyway, I thought I would take this opportunity to recommend a movie I had seen recently with a friend who managed to get a screener copy of this flick that I had been anxious for on and off for the better part of 2 years. Now before I say what this movie is, I want to tell you something about me when it comes to horror movies. As a child, I grew up fucking LOVING horror movies. I loved Jason, I loved Freddy, I loved Pinhead and Chucky and Michael Myers. It was weird but even at 11, I can still remember these guys scaring the crap out of me and my tiny self loving every minute of it.
As I grew in years and each one of these subsequent sequels for these movies got worse and worse, except for Freddy vs Jason which I thought was amazing B-movie fun, and Hollywood seemed to take a strange approach with horror movies. Something happened where Horror movies weren’t made to scare people anymore, they were made to churn out a quick buck and thus were going to need to be tailored to everyone seeing the movie, from ages 10 to ancient. This caused a huge decline in the overall quality of horror movies.
Horror movies nowadays, if not a remake or a sequel, all follow the same basic formula, cast a bunch of pretty late teen or 20 somethings in a movie, put them in a dire situation involving a killer or maybe a ghost or something, sprinkle in some “shock” scares and you’re good to go. The problem with this is that we now have Saw part 7 and the fact that movies like this churn out big bucks make it all the more worthwhile for studios to not break the cycle.
Rest assured, this constant barrage of shitty horror cinema has sent me on something of a quest. A quest to find “good”, “recent” horror movies. Now what would you say is the ratio of “good” to awful horror movies that are released nowadays? One to ten? One to twenty? If we’re really going to be honest, I would say its something like One to Fifty. Out of every fifty horror movies that are released, whether it be on DVD or in the theaters, there’s one that is good. I’m not even saying its great, I’m just saying its good.
Well my friends, I’ve come here to tell you about a movie I’ve seen in the past week that completely blows away every horror movie that has been released in the past decade. This is a movie that, for some mind-boggling reason, was decided by the studio not to be released in theaters. There are many theories as to why this is, including problems with the investors, too much violence against children, not enough “star” power, etc etc, but you can be certain that Warner Bros made a huge mistake when they decided not to release this flick the way it should have. Instead, everyone will need to wait about another week to see Trick ‘R Treat.
What is Trick ‘R Treat you may ask? Its an anthology of sorts. The movie shows five different stories all taking place on Halloween night. I figure I’ll take the opportunity to delve a little further into each of them (For those worried about spoilers, don’t be, I’ll keep these as general as possible without getting into any specifics).
The first story revolves around a couple getting back from a Halloween party and perfectly sets up the pace and storytelling that the movie is going to convey. It also shows you how perfectly they seem to have molded a family Halloween story with gore and straight up terror. I came up with the analogy that this movie is what if that episode from the Adventures of Pete and Pete revolving around Halloween was merged with John Carpenter’s Halloween.
The second story revolves around a group of early 20s girls working on getting their friend laid at a Halloween party (See, they did manage to throw some in!) Anna Paquin is in this one and looks pretty damn amazing if I do say so myself. Now let me explain how each of these stories are laid out. You’ll be introduced to the characters and the scenario and then from time to time you will drift to another story and eventually make your way back to the original. All the stories themselves weave their way into the others, so while you could technically watch each one of these stories alone, watching the entire movie in one sitting makes you appreciate each tale even more.
The next story revolves around a high school principal who happens to have a few secrets in his closet, played by the talented William H Macy. This individual story wraps up with the great notion that this movie will lead you in one direction and make you think one way, and then instantly toss your original idea out the window and make you feel stupid for not thinking how the story would go down from the beginning.
The following story, and this by far is my favorite story of the bunch, revolves around five kids, a rock quarry, jack o’lanterns, and a story of a bus with some special children on board. This is the story that is not only terrifying, but is set up in such a way, that it really shows you how much passion the guy who made this movie had while creating it. There’s this amazing shot where the kids in their costumes are holding their jack o’lanterns and looking over the precipice of the quarry into nothingness that is just so God damn spooky and breath taking. Not to mention I think that the “accident” in the flashback during the tale is played with so much dread and so much anticipation, that when it delivers, and boy does it deliver, it just helps to reinforce how great a movie this is.
The next story revolves around Old Mr. Kriegg, played by Brian Cox and involves the “antagonist” of the film in Sam. Sam, who can be seen in the poster above, appears throughout most of the stories in some capacity, either as a witness or as a direct player in the story. Sam is basically a Trick or Treater who is looking for some candy and has a deep respect for Halloween, he also happens to be homicidal at times. And don’t worry, they show you what exactly Sam is, but trying to figure out where the fuck he could have come from or what the hell his origin is happens to be another story altogether.
Trick R Treat, a movie that is not a sequel and not a remake, reminds us that good horror movies ARE POSSIBLE, you just need a little originality and zombie children.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
"Why won't it work?"
To which I responded, "This fucking piece of shit! GOD DAMN IT! STUPID MOTHER FUCKING" for literally 10 minutes, swearing in between each time I would blow in the cartridge and slam the game back into the open slot. Eventually, I got the game to work and I played as Chip, because Dale had down syndrome, and threw apples at mechanical dogs. Fun was had by all. But the fact that the game didn't work right away had a small contribution to my constant swearing and bitter outlook on life, so thank you for that video rental store.
Swear to God. He then proceeded to use that story to his advantage, talking about it constantly, almost posting a sign that said, "Hey I got hit through a window, rent my tapes!" Ok maybe not the latter but he might as well have.
"HE'S GOTTA LEARN! DAVID! DAVID YOU STOP IT!"
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Twilight Chapter 1: The Twilighting
"DON'T TOUCH MY TRUCK!"
"I'm from Mysterytown."
"MysteryTOWN? Uggghhh. That means you're from the country! Countrygirl! We instantly hate you! Right girls?" The cheerleaders nodded in unison, looking at each other and shaking their pom poms in unison. "You are such a loser. You should wear a bonnet on that perfectly proportioned head on top of that dead sexy body with no real imperfections to speak of."
"Stop it! You're so cruel." Susan wept openly, the cheerleaders chewing their gum and laughing in unison. Susan, in her confusion, tripped like a person with Down Syndrome on a nearby ledge only to witness an oncoming delivery truck hurling straight toward her. The driver was too busy reading Des Cartes to notice that Susan was there! Oh no!
"Ain't no thang." The figure stood up and brushed off his shoulder, before giving the driver the evil eye and walking away.
"My name....is DJ Vampire 'n Shit." DJ Vampire 'n Shit instantly put on his Berkley sunglasses and snapped his fingers like it didn't matter at all. He began walking away as Susan followed.
"Well McAverage, if you want to survive in the town of Mysteryville, I would suggest you watch where you be steppin."
"I go to the school of the damned. I play kickball in the nether regions of human darkness and sorrow. I eat lunch in the cafeteria of longing and pain. I dissect frogs in the science lab of despair. I go to the prom in the gym of nihilism. After school I get picked up by my mom in the minivan of degradation and sin."
"I think you know what I am. Say it!"
".....Are you a Frankenstein?" DJ Vampire slapped himself in the forehead. "Oh no I know. You're a mummy. That's why you're so pale."
"I'm a vampire bitch! DJ Vampire n Shit. God damn! You got a case of the stupids or something?" Susan looked at him with a confused look, causing DJ to roll his eyes. "Man whatever. Listen you want to go hit up my car and do the deed 'fore you got to be a bitch and go to school?"
"But if you're a vampire who's a million years old, wouldn't that be considered pedophilia?"
"DJ VAMPIRE N SHIT!" A booming voice burst through the night air, because it was night now for some reason. "WE MUST HAVE WORDS!"
"WHO THAT IS?" DJ Vampire responded.
"Oh shit, my brother Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap." DJ Vampire 'N Shit was astonished to see his brother Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap. The two brothers were almost exactly alike, but Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap was bigger, stronger, hair was taller, and was all around better looking than his younger brother.
"We must settle our age old conflict. After countless eons of struggle, this age old battle must end and only one of us may survive the night, which it is now......which makes complete sense."
Monday, July 20, 2009
I was actually going to say beating him in a piano playing competition but good effort Shaq, eye of the tiger! I look forward to your future endeavors, and hope that when you, Shaq, become president of basketball, you'll remember the little people who made it possible, like me, writing this blog entry.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
But Evan, you say, Green Lantern isn't a racist just cause that guy says so. You're right, he's a racist because he fights "villains" who are committing "evil" deeds. "Villains" like the aptly named "Black Hand".
Man, what a raw deal this guy got. All he was doing was looking for his car keys using lit up dildo he found in his grandmothers closet. He wears the costume with an arrow on the mask so he remembers how to put it on. Yes, not only is the Black Hand representing his pride in another race, he also has down syndrome. Wow, Hal Jordan just takes pot shots at everybody.
And when Black Hand couldn't find his keys to drive Mr. Green Lantern to the store to get a pack of smokes, what do you think Mr. Jordan did?Yep, he burned his hand off. Oh the irony is delicious and wrong.
But you know what Black Hand is going to be all right. He's an optimistic guy and surely the loss of his hand won't deter him from achieving his dreams. Right BH?
JESUS CHRIST NO! BLACK HAND! He was THREE DAYS FROM RETIRING! OH THE PAIN OF IT!
Listen, if you're offered a power ring that turns you into a space cop, do the right thing and don't let the power go to your head. And also don't be a small infant.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
I've been taking the Washington DC Public Metro ever since I started going to high school at Gonzaga in downtown DC and have continued doing so for a good portion of my life and let me tell you, the metro is a gift and a curse rolled into one abominable package. Recently its been more like the fucking Bumble from Rudolph the Reindeer before getting his teeth kicked in.
Now recently, a really horrible accident took place in the Metro which was one train ran into another and caused a few deaths, numerous injuries, and an overall "holy shit, everytime the metro squeaks and creeks, that's probably rats eating the brake cables, thus ensuring our untimely demise".
In response to this, or possibly the fact that metro has a less number of trains due to crashes and lack of money, there is now one train that is running for all of DC. Ok this is an exagerration but what isn't an exagerration is that there is basically one train coming every ten minutes for everyone. Every. Ten. Minutes. This is during rush hour mind you. I have never EVER seen or been in more cramped quarters than the ones that have been created now due to this accident.
When will this clear up, when will more trains be acquired, and when will we get more than one train every lunar cycle? Who knows. All I know is that I'm getting into work thirty minutes later every day, crammed against everyone and that isn't exactly thrilling.
Life taught me to love, the metro has taught me to hate. Here are things I now hate thanks to the metro:
Ever since they started putting wheels on all bags and luggage, everyone has decided to wheel their shit around behind them at all times. I guess this is the next step in human evolution as we begin to move further and further away from doing......anything really. These little nightmares have become such a hassle for everyone who is not carrying the actual luggage. This luggage now makes one person turn into the equivalent of three, pulling it behind them and causing people to trip and crash into the side of metro walls. We're getting off at Metro station people, I don't see an airport! Why are you carrying that friggin thing?!?
2.) The "Voice" of the Metro
You know, the "voice", the woman who robotically and unemotionally tells people on the metro what steps to take when it comes to drinking soda or not getting your legs chopped off by an out of control train car. I have heard, "Step back, doors closing *Bing bong*" so many times that I hear it when I go to sleep now, its carved into my brain. Not only that but the "voice" also tries to feed everyone paranoia every once in awhile. "Excuse me, is that your bag? Please ask someone near a bag this question." the voice says as I'm waiting for a train. I roll my eyes as the "voice" apparently thinks that places like Adams Morgan and Van Ness are constant terrorist hotspots where unattended bags are harbingers of death. You have more of a chance of being killed by bees than terrorists, so why doesn't the "voice" tell me to watch out for bee hives or shark attacks or falling coconuts?
It would be way more easy to swallow a lot of the "voice's" advice if it were actually a cool voice like the voice from the movie trailers or Curly from the Three Stooges. "Hey! Make sure your baby doesn't fall on the third rail or else goodbye baby!......Yuck yuck yuck."
3.) The Metro Drivers.
Now this can be 50/50 for the most part, but a lot of the time, doesn't it seem like they're sitting up in the front and fucking with people? I remember one day recently there was a report that people were getting sick on the train which was causing delays and I noticed why as the train proceeded to start moving, then stop, then start again, then stop, then start again, then stop, and again and again and again before even reaching the next platform. Its like a roller coaster.....of boredom and depression.
4.) My nose.
The horrifying smells of people is amplified when you're trapped in a car with everyone and can't even move. I never really knew what depression smelled like until the Metro. Someone literally farted right next to me this morning and my soul started to cry.
Nothing makes you appreciate humanity more than being squeezed to death by the masses on a speeding bullet. Its kind of a test of your humanity in a way when you're on the metro in trying to beat the "pack" mentality of it. Its a rough thing to say but its true in some ways. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people SPRINTING to get on a train only to be caught in the doors, causing them to stall, swing open, then slam shut again as the person wiggles their way into the car. Charming. Even before the accident and the trains, people would do this ad nauseum. Yes, we all want to get where we want to go, but honestly, can't you just wait for the next car, it'll be there in a few minutes.
One instance, I was crammed into a car in the morning and the doors swung open and a man in a suit stood outside of the car. Now, the man did not believe there could possibly be no room for him in the car, even having seen the evidence that everyone was to the point of not being able to breath and proclaimed, "Could everyone just move in so I could get on the train?" People kind of shrugged after he said this, which caused him to get red and the face and say, "Yeah that's right, don't say anything!" as he stood there tapping his foot against the platform. "Unbelievable!" At that point, I wanted to take the business suited man and cram his face into the armpit of the fat old lady next to me and yell, "HERE YOU CAN HAVE IT!" Oh sweet justice.
So for the record, until this whole mess is cleared away, I would highly recommend taking your car into work cause the metro is fucking clownshoes at the moment.
Monday, July 6, 2009
3.) I know where the Real World house is now. Its true. I visited it in a drunken stupor and actually spoke with one of the cast members. I asked him, "Hey, is this the Real World house?" he looked at me sadly and nodded his head, almost as if he didn't originally know what he was getting into. Jungo knew though. Jungo always knew. Here's a picture of the house by the way, pretty damn nice.4.) Dead Set is an amazing show about zombies that was made by the BBC. It was about six episodes long. Watch it when you get the chance.
5.) I don't know what the story is behind this picture, but I NEED to. The dog looks like his brain is about to shoot out of his nose.
6.) I need to stop writing Thor so damn much and start writing standup again. I have the problem of being too much of a perfectionist though. Current new material I'm working on:
The Stork, Sarah Palin joke (wow how original), Dad fights a bear, and about a zillion other things I have brewing in my head that need to be put on paper. I also need to just debut Archibald F Trousers already.
7.) I am so torn on whether or not I should see Transformers 2. Half the people I know say it is the worst movie ever made while the other half says it is awesome. You can see why I am torn.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Our first question is from Christopher Brooks and he asks,
"Dear Evan, Why don't you get a haircut?"
This is a good question. Chris has the ability to ask good questions because he does not have a job. People with no jobs can ask good questions.
Anyway, Chris, I tend to have two different hairstyles that I like to go for. Aside from the nice goatee I have going, which gives me a very Oliver Queen look going right now (Oliver Queen is the Green Arrow, as pictured below):
I usually like to have my hair either fairly long or really short. I've always been kind of "Shaggy" in that respect. At some point, I'll shave it all off again and start the whole process over. When I had my "ultra shaved look", a girl told me I looked like an "IRA Terrorist". I tipped my hat, blew up the bar we were in, and then skipped away. Everything worked out fine.
So basically, at some point in the near future, I'll shave it all off again or clean it up a little.
Our next question comes from Mr. Ben Russell. Hello Ben. His question is:
"What's the strangest thing you've ever intentionally placed in your ear, nose, and/or throat?"
Well Ben, thats a good question. When I was six years old, I was playing with a pile of marbles and beads that a member of my family had left lying around. During which, I thought it would be a great idea to see how far I could jam a bead up my nose and then shoot it out by blowing out air. I crammed a bead up my nose and then tried to shoot it out.....No good. I tried again, nope still crammed up there. I started to panic and went a good 30 minutes before giving up and tugging at my mom's dress.
"Mom" I said. "I have a bead stuck up my nose."
She panicked and was trying to get it out by spraying water up my nose to no success. So off to the doctor we went where proceeded to shoot some kind of gunk up there and used some tweezers to get the bead out. Remember that scene from Total Recall?Kind of like that.
Our next question is from Mr. Chris Piers, editor of the comic books Invincible and The Walking Dead. His question is:
"Where did you first do standup?"
In the upper part of the cafeteria of my college senior year. It was part of an event my school had set up, their own little "Last Comic Standing" competition. The original prize for the winner was going to be "Winner gets to open up for Lewis Black, who will be coming to campus in a few months". Through the urging on of a couple of friends, I signed up for the competition. I took a day off classes and just wrote some jokes.
I can remember a few of them, I know that I wasn't anywhere near as polished as I am now and probably flubbed more than a few words. One joke was about God and Jesus working in an office where they both get hammered at a Christmas party. God of course is bragging about how Jesus is the perfect son and God gives him the ultimate advice of "never stick it in the crazy".
I did a joke, which is now infamous that I have never EVER done since, about the fact that starting off doing comedy amongst friends is probably the best way to go. But the more experienced, you get, the harder the venue should be. I then talked about Jerry Seinfeld doing standup comedy in a cancer ward. Doing a really bad Seinfeld impression and an impression of someone with a robot voice who more than likely had throat cancer.
"Hey, what's the deal with cancer am I right?"
Ironically, I ended up winning the competition, unfortunately Lewis Black backed out of having a kid open for him so I got $200 instead. Not too shabby. Unfortunately, someone had taken offense to the joke about cancer.
Immediately after the show, a small girl tapped me on the shoulder and said (I'll never forget this until the day I die.), "You know my dad has cancer, but congratulations on your win, you fucking prick." and stormed off. I sat there, simply stunned and swore to never do standup comedy again. Oh but it didn't end there.
Because a week later, in the school newspaper, the same girl wrote an article entitled, "Last Comic Standing: No Laughing Matter"
In the article, which is real and can be viewed at the following website (http://media.www.loyolagreyhound.com/media/storage/paper665/news/2005/02/22/Opinion/last-Comic.Standing.Not.A.Laughing.Matter-871648.shtml) she wrote the following:
"I, for one, had to leave in the beginning of Mr. Valentine's comedic act when he joked about cancer patients. I must congratulate him for a close to perfect presentation of my father during his sickness. Not only did he speak as my dad did (because of his trach-tube) but he also seemed to know that cancer patients need some kind of comedy in their life by pointing out how beginning comedians perform in cancer wards in the hospital. As soon as Mr. Valentine's hand went over his throat to imitate the voice, I saw my dad dying in our family room and immediately had to leave."
Ouch. My soul.
I wrote a rebuttal that was very indepth and well thought out but man, did it cut me deep. Eventually, after college, I started doing open mics in Arlington at the now defunct Dr. Dremo's and met up with a number of comedians and went from there. But I will never EVER forget the controversy and insanity of the first time I did standup, thats for damn sure.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Kate: Sit up straight.
Evan: Excuse me?
Kate: Sit up straight, your posture is terrible.
Evan: Uhhh ok? *Sits up in his chair*
Kate: That's better. Now proceed with asking me questions.
Evan: Well to start, how are you handling the divorce?
Kate: Its a tough situation, but like my mother used to tell me, "Weakness is pain leaving the body bitch, now give me thirty more push ups." Then I would puke into a bucket and she'd kick me in the face. Meeemmmoorrriieeesss.
Kate: But most important is that the kids are taken care of in my glorious, iron fisted monarchy that is our family.
Evan: Excuse me, your what?
Kate: My monarchy. My regime. My "kingdom" if you will. Jon was able to escape my efforts through "divorce", pshaw, but those kids are mine until they turn 18 and rest assured, punishment will be evenly distributed. Work is freedom after all.
Evan: Weren't those the words written over Auschwitz?
Kate: Oh yeah! That's where I heard that. You know those Nazis, they were all right.
Evan: GOOD LORD!
Kate: Well ok, mostly not for the killing part but for the work ethic and dedication to their craft. Truly an inspiration.
Evan: Moving on.....do you have plans today for what the kids will be doing?
Kate: Well first its nap time, thats the time when I get to stare meaninglessly into the cold abyss of the outside world. Then comes play time for them......when I continue to stare meaninglessly into the cold abyss of the outside world.
Evan: Well I mean, you could play with your children and have fun with them.
Kate: Hahaha Fun, oh my hahahaha does not compute hahaha Oh my.
Evan: *raises an eyebrow* So you've been on the road a lot, do you find that your fans are sympathetic with your plight.
Kate: Oh sure, I mean even before the divorce I would love going out on the road so I could give my fans the advice that they need and in return, they'd give me assplay.
Evan: EXCUSE ME?
Kate: Heresay. They'd give me heresay about the various trials and tribulations that they themselves have gone through in their lives.
Evan: I thought you said something different.
Kate: Sometimes your ears play tricks on you. Applesauce.
Evan: Oooooookkkkkkk. Moving on again. Do you feel that sometimes you need to get away from everything?
Kate: I do. Sometimes I definitely feel this. Sometimes I want to find a castle in the middle of a small European country, build myself a suit of armor and lord over that place so that they may all be my children.
Evan:.......You mean like Dr. Doom?
Kate: I'm not familiar with who that is but he's a-ok in my book! And I will be not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morn! Treacherous as the Seas! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall love me and despair!
Evan: JESUS! *Roof begins coming down around Evan and Kate as Kate begins growing in size. Kate smashes through the walls of studio, Evan is crushed underneath a large pillar*
Kate: GONE! GONE THE FORM OF MAN! *Kate's reign of destruction began here.*
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Evan: Hello Jon, how are you today?
Jon: Gotta tell you bro, I'm feeling a-ok!
Evan: That's good, I actually thought this would be a hard time for you, with the divorce underway and everything.
Jon: Heck no man! I'm a 32 year old bulldog who has been let off his leash and is on the prowl after his testicles miraculousy have grown back after being snipped by a crazy veterinarian with no class! NO CLASS!
Jon: Mothers, lock up your daughters! Because the way I see it, a man has become bitten by a radioactive penis which gives him sexual powers that were originally restrained by an evil sorceress but are now free to spread love and joy to all the females out there in the world tonight. Man Penis is born!
Evan: Excuse me?
Jon: Man Penis! That's me! Man Penis!
Jon: MAN PENIS!
Evan: What in God's name are you talking about?
Jon: Listen square, I'm only 32 years old. I have a motorcycle and I had the abilty to put 8 babies inside one woman. You know how much street cred that gets me? OOOO WEEE!
Evan: Fair enough. Nice earrings by the way.
Jon: You mean my sparklies? Yeah, chicks dig em. *sniff* Guess I'm something of a super stud.
Evan: So I guess you're taking this divorce in stride. Do you feel badly at all for the kids?
Jon: Do I feel for my children? Of course I do. I've been a father for nearly a decade and I would give my life for each and every one of those children. Throughout all of the hardships and trials that I've needed to endure to really give them the opportunities that I never had when I was their age, to be able to provide for them and love them like no other parents would. To be able to give them the experience of growing up with their brothers and sisters and watching them grow, while sheltering them and giving them experiences they'll never forget is a thing of beauty.
Evan: Any words of wisdom for them?
Jon: Yes. Sons and daughters of me, live proud and live free and don't take shit from nobody. Sons, grow up strong. Daughters, don't be like your mother.
Evan: Wait a minute.....
Evan: What are your sons and daughters' names?
Jon: *nervously* Th-their names?
Evan: Yeah. Their names. Surely you know their names.
Jon: Of course I do. Why I'm offended by even the mere mention....I mean you know theres.....the gay one.....and that one with the glasses.....and the one who sneezed that one time into the sink......and Doc?
Evan: Those aren't their names.
Jon: Was that the phone?
Evan: I didn't hear any.....HEY! *Evan grabs Jon as the 32 year old man quickly tries to climb out the window of the establishment*
Jon: LET GO OF MY THREADS SQUARE! LET GO!
Evan: Sit down and I will!
Jon: Fine! *Jon proceeds to sit down* Whatever man.
Evan: How is the band coming al....
Jon: ASIAN PERSUASION? GREAT MAN GREAT! We about to kick off our three state tour. Here's our album, fresh off the presses!
Evan: *Evan gags in horror* You're all naked on this album cover.
Jon: Fuck yeah! That nakedness represents our ability to blend into our surroundings without "man's law" getting in the way.
Evan: That makes no sense, I can clearly see all of you! And the name of the album is...."The only 8 kids I got are the beers in my fridge"? Good Lord!
Jon: Its a metaphor.
Evan: For what?
Jon: For drinking kicking ass, am I right??? *Jon places his hand up in the air awaiting a high five, Evan looks at it with contempt, Jon places his hand down*
Evan: Yeeaaahhhh. So one last thing, do you feel you have anything else to say?
Jon: Oh yeah. Jon Gosling will be at McSwinger's Party Lounge tonight from 8 to 10 PM as part of the Wacky Pack 94.7 Morning Palooza. I'll be handing out "Team Jon" t-shirts with my new slogan written on it. "GA-GOOSH! Don't take SHIT from NOBODY!"
Friday, June 19, 2009
I wonder how similar something would happen if these things really did exist (The isolation I mean, not Jeff Goldblum's predicament) Regardless, I'm going off on a tangent.
The point I'm trying to make with this is that in a lot of ways, we're losing something of ourselves with the replacement of technology for most of our everyday needs. Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily. Maybe we're having those things we lost replaced with something else that could ultimately make us better in the long run. Who's to say?
Regardless of our evolution, we as a people are depraved. We're inadequate. We can do things to one another that are beyond reprehension and cause untold heartbreak. But we are also beautiful. We're intelligent. We create remarkable works of creativity and every so often, will show one another that we are capable of accomplishing great things. Most importantly, we can be there for each other.
Its a balancing act and while we hear more about the former, I hope that the latter takes place just as much if not more for every occurrence of hatred or spite or malice or what have you. But my thoughts on this is that the greatest thing that we have as a people is our creativity. Through stories, through poems, through imagination, you're taking a part of yourself, the best part, and laying it out for people to see, for people to enjoy. Its selfish and selfless.
So how did I get onto this topic? Well it was due to this story I read this morning:
"HUNTINGTON BEACH – Colby Curtin, a 10-year-old with a rare form of cancer, was staying alive for one thing – a movie. From the minute Colby saw the previews to the Disney-Pixar movie Up, she was desperate to see it. Colby had been diagnosed with vascular cancer about three years ago, said her mother, Lisa Curtin, and at the beginning of this month it became apparent that she would die soon and was too ill to be moved to a theater to see the film.
After a family friend made frantic calls to Pixar to help grant Colby her dying wish, Pixar came to the rescue. The company flew an employee with a DVD of Up, which is only in theaters, to the Curtins’ Huntington Beach home on June 10 for a private viewing of the movie."
For the rest of the story, go here: http://www.ocregister.com/articles/pixar-up-movie-2468059-home-show
Up was a masterpiece and through that piece of creativity, they were able to make a little girl's last few hours on earth special. It made her hold on for a little while longer and their act of kindness is really just the representation of the best we have to offer as a people.
People ask me what I hope to accomplish with comedy and all the creative stuff I've done and continue to do. I don't really respond this way as I'm much less intricate and thoughtful when I'm talking with someone face to face rather than typing the words into a text box like I am right now, but I've accomplished what I started doing comedy for. I've made people happy in some way or another. I've brightened days, made people laugh and helped them to forget about their troubles. I wish I could do it on a more frequent basis but I'm hopeful that when I'm long gone, I'll be remembered for putting together jokes/stories/rock epics that made people chuckle if only for a little while. I hope that that is my mark on the world.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Seriously, if you have never watched "Its Always Sunny in Philidelphia", do so. As a standup comedian, I know what is funny and this show is my absolute funniest show of all time.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Meanwhile, these assholes get paid for walking through dark places and acting scared about shit.
Yes, for today's entry, I'm going off on the assholes who are the inappropriately dubbed, "Ghost Hunters" I mean technically, they do "hunt ghosts" in the same way that I "hunt Bigfoot" by just looking into a forest whenever I pass one in a car or running or something.
To further explore the definition of what these two "experts" are supposed to be, the definition of a hunter is "a person or animal that seeks out and kills or captures game".
In this case, the "game" would be the "ghosts" who haunt establishments such as mansions, farms, graveyards, and museums where old pieces of the Titanic are currently being held because the ghosts of those who died MUST follow these pieces wherever they dwell regardless of any evidence stating as such. OOOOoooOOOOooOOOOooOOOO.
Now, would you like to take a guess as to how many "ghosts" the "Ghost Hunters" have "killed or captured?" There have been 4 seasons spanning over 5 years so thats roughly over 70 episodes at least. Surely these experts must have caught at least 5 ghosts, possibly killed one? Don't exactly know how one "kills" a ghost but these are "Ghost Hunters" after all.
Ok, lets look this up. Aaanndd the answer issssss......zero. Shocker. After 5 years, the Ghost Hunters have caught aproximately zero ghosts and accidentally killed six people using "ghost bullets" which were actually just regular bullets with the words "Fuck Ghosts" etched into the sides, thus in fact CREATING more ghosts!.....All right the latter is a lie, but how awesome would that be if they just started firing randomly into the darkness whenever they heard a sound or felt something "GRAB MY LEG"!
Realistically, maybe I'm being a little harsh on them. Surely they must have scientific degrees in the paranormal and have studied extensively on the aspects of a possible afterlife, spending decades researching philosophies on the afterlife and the psychological implications of death. Hold on a second, let me wikipedia them. Aaannnddd they're plumbers.
Yes the mighty Ghost Hunters have used their extensive knowledge of shit caked pipes and ass cracks to breach the world of the supernatural. Plumbers "fighting" ghosts, where have I heard that one before?
The Ghost Hunters are in fact a real life version of the Mario Brothers, only much much worse. Unlike the Mario Brothers, who killed thousands of ghosts by wearing raccoon suits and shooting fireballs out of their hands, the Ghost Hunters merely look scared at various locales, say, "Well I guess the spirits are at rest now", leave, go home, and drown their sorrows in beer and alimony.
The Hunters popularity is mind boggling however, as people fucking LOVE to watch two grown men act confused in night vision goggles. There are currently three spin offs including, "Ghost Hunters International", "UFO Hunters", And "The Othersiders" which is Ghost Hunters for Kids.
I challenge the Ghost Hunters to find ONE ghost....EVER! Justify your existences damn you! Capture Abraham Lincoln and have him tell us where he hid the gold he stored underneath his hat! Ask the ghost of Hitler how he felt regarding his portrayal in the Tom Cruise flick Valkyrie! Ask Ghandi how he feels about Arby's Big Beef and Cheddar Sandwich!
*Sigh* Forget it. These two men have created a monopoly on being scared and shrugging their shoulders. Who wants to join me and be "Loch Ness Monster Hunters"? There's probably a market for that.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Captain Ireland of course was created by the Irish government as a peace keeping symbol of the Irish way of life, dipped into a vat of radioactive Guinness, the Green, orange, and White dynamo has dedicated himself to truth, justice, and debauchery.
Captain Ireland has a number of abilities that make him far and away above the mortal man:
- Super Human Strength
- The ability to recite all of Boondock Saints
- Can get drunk either super quick or not at all, depending on the temperature outside.
- Snakes get the fuck outta Dodge when he's around!
- The ability to pull off wearing a derby hat and yelling at people in Gaellic.
- Be Pale!
- And of course, lest we forget, Captain Ireland always has his trusty leprechaun by his side, who's been dead for 13 years, on straps attached to Cap's arm that he hurls at people as if it were a frisbee.
Weaknesses include: Not drinking! Things that are not green! Horsing around too little! Manual Labor in exchange for currency! Televisions with more than 3 channels! Every day that is not March 17th! Driving a car! Driving a car into a place that is not a lake! Driving a car that is not on fire! Driving a car that has wheels! Driving a car that has wheels that is not named "St. Patrick's Dick"!
So everyone can sleep well at night knowing that Captain Ireland is on the job and is coming to a town near you, dead or alive!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
My last name is Valentine, as you all know, and I gotta say its a pretty awesome last name. The first name I could give or take, but having the last name of Valentine always meant I would do something against the norm. I landed into the comedy/alternative field, where I could have easily become a private investigator or a porno star based on my last name alone. So I thought I'd take the time to look at some of the famous "Valentines" throughout the ages.
Skeeter Valentine was of course a character from the old show, "Doug". Always a good friend, a sidekick as it were to the main protagonist that was Doug. Skeeter was something of an idiot savante, he could calculate the hexadecimals in a neutron star and discover the intricacies of Freud's human psychological prospectives, but he also made fart noises as a reflex and honked on a constant basis. Something of a balancing act to be sure. Skeeter though did a good job of representing the "Valentine" badge in being an all around nice guy. Always there for his friends and was able to overcome the fact that he was blue in a world where people were orange, green, pale, and magenta.
There have been a number of saints who were the original inspiration for "Valentine's Day", and he was an inspirational Martyr. Its kind of odd that the day that a Roman priest was beheaded and executed, we give our loved ones chocolates and roses. Lord knows, I've heard enough cracks about my name on the ever revolving February 14th. Good times.
Greg the Hammer Valentine
One of the all time great wrestlers of all time, I always thought that I was somehow related to this guy in some weird way back when I was 7, sitting in the limelight of Wrestlemania from the recesses of the basement of my parents' house in Wintergreen. The guy was a great wrestler and obviously created a name for himself with that, but I find it funny that he has something of an "old woman face". I think you could transfer his face onto the body of an elderly bingo junkie and you wouldn't really be able to tell the difference. On a somewhat related subject, when I was in Kindergarden, one of the fathers of a girl in my class was Big John Stud, the first winner of WWF's Royal Rumble. I don't really stay abreast of the wrestling world nowadays, but back then, having a famous wrestler come to your house and helicopter you ala Zangief from Street Fighter was pretty damn sick.
Evan ValentineNow this one is a piece of work. Living in Washington DC, a kind of tall-ish Tim Robbins looking gentleman. Quite articulate when it comes to creating pieces of creative work and dialect, he's something of a walking cartoon character in some respects. Definitely good for a laugh, that's for sure. What will the future hold for this gangly bastard I wonder. Maybe one day he'll settle down and have a family, spreading the benefit of his many years on earth to his children, looking back on the years when he was sitting in smoke filled basements recording epic musicals, smoke filled bars rattling his thoughts through a microphone, and punching the keys of a laptop to put his thoughts on cyberspace for everyone to read throughout the history of humanity. Who knows?
Evan Valentine - Porno Actress
.....................................Don't really have the words for this one. Considering there's an 18 year old Asian porno actress with my name. Well, at least she's being creative.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Yes, its the guys who put on the giant headed president suits and dance around/race across Nationals Stadium. What kind of pathetic unbelievable loser decides, "Hey you know what? I'm going to get paid less than minimum wage before I go to grad school and ride around on a segway, while simultaneously desecrating the memories of our founding fathers!"Let's really take the time to examine this shall we? Its quite ghoulish when you think about it. Wearing the cartoonish visage of a dead man. Comically falling over in giant prosthetic heads while the presidents roll around in their graves because you feel the need to piss all over their memories. Now as a comedian, I make fun of people sure, its part of the job, but at least I leave them some shreds of dignity, and in doing so keep my dignity intact as well. If I were to go on stage and wear a giant plastic head of Susan B Arthur while doing a joke about her, she'd burst forth from her grave and strangle me to death. How do you think George Carlin REALLY died?
On top of this, we should examine the person who is inside one of these outfits. First off, they have no "life" to speak of. More than likely they have become shells of their former selves, the twinkle in their eye being replaced with a horror and disdain towards society that not even their best friends could begin to contemplate. Their hideous facial features, I'm guessing a mix between Forrest Gump and Dumbo with a gap in their teeth, covered by something that can finally have them accepted by society, kind of like how the village idiot was accepted by the townfolk for dropping his pants at the women folk during the monthly town meeting at the beer hall. Their emotional and mental states are walking a tight line between insanity and passive aggressive displacement.
Should these poor bastards ever have any kind of long lasting relationship, the nightmares of having been a human joke will surely catch up with them.
Imagine having sex with your loved one and while they scream out for you to say their name, instead you yell out, "Abraham Lincoln was the tallest American president!" Your loved one instantly stops, horrified, and while you, faux-Lincoln, attempt to cover your mouth, you instantly go flaccid. The only thing that will "get you off" from this point forward is recognition that your life was not a lie, and lets be serious, you wore a giant Teddy Rosevelt head and galivanted across a baseball diamond in front of tens of thousands of people, that shit ain't happening anytime soon.
Ok, you're probably saying "Whoa Evan. That seems a little rough don't you think? I mean its all in good fun. Everyone is having a laugh and the presidents aren't being disrespected THAT much." You know you're probably right. Maybe I'm being a little rough on these guys. I'm sure they're just normal folks and aren't really the horrifying stunted man children I'm making them out to be. Its not like they're REALLY disrespecting the things that these men lived and died for in their times.
Oh look, George Washington is about to receive the baton from a giant taco. I'm sure that's what Georgie had in mind when he was fighting for American freedom on the war torn country side against insurmountable odds.
Folks, how about we unite together and do something about "bad" comedy like this? How about we as a people step up and say, "You know what? This sucks balls! Can't we be entertained in a way that is thought provoking without giggling at human chuds wearing stupid costumes?"
Oh no, Roosevelt's on to me. Based on his demeanor, he's sex deprived and retard strong. This is going to be a rough one kids. Tell my family I.....!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
So I'm going to list off a number of things that I am going to do when the filming begins to really show the members of The Real World: Washington DC that DC is a great place to party and hang out.
1.) I will show up on the first day of filming wearing a fake moustache and proceed to say that I am the fifth cast member and my name is Jungo. Whenever someone asks me a question, I will repeat, "My name is Jungo! JUNGO!" I will slap whatever they are holding in their hands at this point, if they are holding nothing, I will ask them politely to hold a plate or a glass, then smack it away from them.
2.) Once getting ejected from the house, I will proceed to sit outside of the house, smoking newports and yelling for the "assholes inside" to play the Jonas Brothers, as they are part of MTV and should do as I say, as I am a resident of Washington DC.
3.) Hobos! HOBOS! HOOOBBBOOOOSSS!
4.) I will be hanging out at Dupont Circle bars (The Big Hunt for example) looking out for the cast members and the camera crews. When I see the cast members and the camera crew in tow, I will wave and yell out, "Hey! Its me! JUNGO! We spoke on the phone remember???"
5.) I will buy the cast members shots and ask, "So which one is the Puck of the house?" However they reply, I will instantly laugh and say, "That's such a Puck thing to do." I will then refer to that person as Puck for the rest of the night, constantly interupting other peoples' conversations, demanding that "Puck" be allowed to contribute to the conversation.
6.) I will ask the cast members to define what "Music Television" means and instantly inform them that they are wrong! Music television is obviously a channel that should be populated with shows about pre-pubescent girls getting railed in buses and taking lie detector tests.....while getting railed in buses. I will ask the cast members if they had seen the most recent episode of "My Super Sweet 16" or "Sex.....with mom and dad." If they reply no, I'll lean over to another cast member and in a very loud voice, proceed to ask, "The fuck is wrong with this knob job?"
7.) Once everyone has gotten wasted, I will then speak to the cast members about how "The Real World" will be the only thing of significance that they will ever do or be remembered for. Even if they discover the cure for cancer, which seems doubtful as I don't think that many biologists are part of the Real World demographic, they will still always be remembered for breaking the condom in the hot tub and contracting an STD....FROM JUNGO!
8.) When asked about my standup comedy by the cast members, I will ask them a question in response as in, "Who are your favorite comedians?" No less than 5 cast members will say Dane Cook. One will ask what it means to "stand up?"
9.) To fit in with the cast of the Real World, I'll proceed to vomit repeatedly in the bathroom, do more shots that necessary, make out with every hot chick in the bar, get into a fight, talk about how I had a traumatic experience because my ATV off road didn't start one time, and then rinse and repeat.
10.) Popped Collar! Popper Collar! Popper Collar!11.) When questioned as to whether or not my real name is in fact, "Jungo" I will hang my head in shame and proceed to say,
"No. My name is not Jungo. My name is Evan Valentine. SON OF HAROLD! SON OF WENDY! COMEDIAN ART WARRIOR! BANISHER OF DEMONS! HARBINGER OF HILARITY! WEARER OF SIZE 15 SHOES! SHAGGY FROM SCOOBY DOO GOT NOTHING ON ME!" At which point I will begin peppering out body slams to everyone in the bar, which will cause a domino effect where body slams become the main focus of every show on MTV. While this is all happening, I'll be flexing on the roof of the establishment, making my law known to the masses on National Television. Thank you Real World, for visiting the lovely and wonderful DC.