Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Evan Answers Questions

For today's blog, I thought I'd get some questions from my Rogues Gallery that I could answer. Feel free to keep throwing questions and I'll update accordingly.

Our first question is from Christopher Brooks and he asks,

"Dear Evan, Why don't you get a haircut?"

This is a good question. Chris has the ability to ask good questions because he does not have a job. People with no jobs can ask good questions.

Anyway, Chris, I tend to have two different hairstyles that I like to go for. Aside from the nice goatee I have going, which gives me a very Oliver Queen look going right now (Oliver Queen is the Green Arrow, as pictured below):

I usually like to have my hair either fairly long or really short. I've always been kind of "Shaggy" in that respect. At some point, I'll shave it all off again and start the whole process over. When I had my "ultra shaved look", a girl told me I looked like an "IRA Terrorist". I tipped my hat, blew up the bar we were in, and then skipped away. Everything worked out fine.

So basically, at some point in the near future, I'll shave it all off again or clean it up a little.

Our next question comes from Mr. Ben Russell. Hello Ben. His question is:

"What's the strangest thing you've ever intentionally placed in your ear, nose, and/or throat?"

Well Ben, thats a good question. When I was six years old, I was playing with a pile of marbles and beads that a member of my family had left lying around. During which, I thought it would be a great idea to see how far I could jam a bead up my nose and then shoot it out by blowing out air. I crammed a bead up my nose and then tried to shoot it out.....No good. I tried again, nope still crammed up there. I started to panic and went a good 30 minutes before giving up and tugging at my mom's dress.

"Mom" I said. "I have a bead stuck up my nose."

She panicked and was trying to get it out by spraying water up my nose to no success. So off to the doctor we went where proceeded to shoot some kind of gunk up there and used some tweezers to get the bead out. Remember that scene from Total Recall?Kind of like that.

Our next question is from Mr. Chris Piers, editor of the comic books Invincible and The Walking Dead. His question is:

"Where did you first do standup?"

In the upper part of the cafeteria of my college senior year. It was part of an event my school had set up, their own little "Last Comic Standing" competition. The original prize for the winner was going to be "Winner gets to open up for Lewis Black, who will be coming to campus in a few months". Through the urging on of a couple of friends, I signed up for the competition. I took a day off classes and just wrote some jokes.

I can remember a few of them, I know that I wasn't anywhere near as polished as I am now and probably flubbed more than a few words. One joke was about God and Jesus working in an office where they both get hammered at a Christmas party. God of course is bragging about how Jesus is the perfect son and God gives him the ultimate advice of "never stick it in the crazy".

I did a joke, which is now infamous that I have never EVER done since, about the fact that starting off doing comedy amongst friends is probably the best way to go. But the more experienced, you get, the harder the venue should be. I then talked about Jerry Seinfeld doing standup comedy in a cancer ward. Doing a really bad Seinfeld impression and an impression of someone with a robot voice who more than likely had throat cancer.

"Hey, what's the deal with cancer am I right?"
"We're dying!"

Ironically, I ended up winning the competition, unfortunately Lewis Black backed out of having a kid open for him so I got $200 instead. Not too shabby. Unfortunately, someone had taken offense to the joke about cancer.

Immediately after the show, a small girl tapped me on the shoulder and said (I'll never forget this until the day I die.), "You know my dad has cancer, but congratulations on your win, you fucking prick." and stormed off. I sat there, simply stunned and swore to never do standup comedy again. Oh but it didn't end there.

Because a week later, in the school newspaper, the same girl wrote an article entitled, "Last Comic Standing: No Laughing Matter"

In the article, which is real and can be viewed at the following website ( she wrote the following:

"I, for one, had to leave in the beginning of Mr. Valentine's comedic act when he joked about cancer patients. I must congratulate him for a close to perfect presentation of my father during his sickness. Not only did he speak as my dad did (because of his trach-tube) but he also seemed to know that cancer patients need some kind of comedy in their life by pointing out how beginning comedians perform in cancer wards in the hospital. As soon as Mr. Valentine's hand went over his throat to imitate the voice, I saw my dad dying in our family room and immediately had to leave."

Ouch. My soul.

I wrote a rebuttal that was very indepth and well thought out but man, did it cut me deep. Eventually, after college, I started doing open mics in Arlington at the now defunct Dr. Dremo's and met up with a number of comedians and went from there. But I will never EVER forget the controversy and insanity of the first time I did standup, thats for damn sure.

1 comment:

  1. I see, like, no controversy with your cancer joke. That girl had to stretch to take offense. And seriously, if you go to a standup comedy show and get offended, fuck you for thinking you're mature enought to leave the house without supervision.