Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Evan Writes Twilight

Keeping in mind that I know nothing about Twilight outside of it having vampires, teenagers, and is genuienly considered to be garbage. I have seen the trailer once or twice and have heard accounts of the movie itself from a few friends who have seen it, but generally don't know shit about the overall plot/characters etc, so I thought I'd take a swing at writing a chapter or two. Here we go:

Twilight Chapter 1: The Twilighting

Susan McAverage stepped out of her dad's Toyota Chevy Hardcore Truck, loaded to the brim with pictures of the United States and bottles of Jim Beam. Today was her first day of high school at the sleepy town of "Mysteryville" and as she was the first member of her family to attend a school of any kind, the responsibility of bringing the McAverage name into the light of day fell on her.

"Don't worry Dad, I'll make you proud."

Susan's father shoved her out of the truck and threw her backpack out of the opposite window, watching it tumble quickly down a nearby hill. He then took a swig of a bottle of Jim Beam, slammed his foot on the accelerator and began playing Ted Nugent's "Wango Tango" as loudly as he could.
"See ya later boner!" was the last thing he said before peeling out away from Susan and hitting a nearby lamp post. Susan smiled knowingly.
"That's my daddy." She thought as she brushed herself off and arose to her feet. The prospect of a new school was exciting to Susan, but she was nervous that she wouldn't fit in. What's a new girl with a size two dress size and a 36 double D chest supposed to do when everyone already knows each other? Susan was getting more nervous. She would need to do her best to fit in.

"Hey new girl!" Susan swung around with a big smile on her face, ready to accept the challenges of her new school, staring at a group of cheerleaders whose arms were crossed and looking directly at her. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Mysterytown."

"MysteryTOWN? Uggghhh. That means you're from the country! Countrygirl! We instantly hate you! Right girls?" The cheerleaders nodded in unison, looking at each other and shaking their pom poms in unison. "You are such a loser. You should wear a bonnet on that perfectly proportioned head on top of that dead sexy body with no real imperfections to speak of."

"Stop it! You're so cruel." Susan wept openly, the cheerleaders chewing their gum and laughing in unison. Susan, in her confusion, tripped like a person with Down Syndrome on a nearby ledge only to witness an oncoming delivery truck hurling straight toward her. The driver was too busy reading Des Cartes to notice that Susan was there! Oh no!

"So the meaning of life is perpendicular to the meaning of the soul and.....OH SHIT BANANA!" The driver yelled out as he tried to spin the delivery truck around but it was too late, Susan was done for. Or thats what she thought until she noticed a figure dart in front of her and place his hand over her shoulder while also extending out his arm, stopping the truck instantly.

"Are you all right?" The figure asked as Susan gazed deeply into his cold, black eyes. His hair stood up straight like a penis ready for some action, his breath smelled like flowers and other shit that girls like, his strong hands felt like they had been making sausage in an abandoned warehouse with a meat grinder for the better part of the day.

"I'm....fine. Wow, you stopped that truck with your hand!"

"Ain't no thang." The figure stood up and brushed off his shoulder, before giving the driver the evil eye and walking away.

"Wait! I need to know the name of the man who saved me." Susan cried out as the figure stopped and walked back toward her.

"My DJ Vampire 'n Shit." DJ Vampire 'n Shit instantly put on his Berkley sunglasses and snapped his fingers like it didn't matter at all. He began walking away as Susan followed.

"DJ Vampire?" Susan asked.

"'N Shit Bitch! 'N Shit! Damn! Making a mother fucker repeat himself twice like. God damn! Ain't you got no sense of timing and dramaticy" DJ Vampire 'n Shit lit up a Newport, took one puff and threw it on the ground, just because he could.

"Sorry. My name is Susan. Susan McAverage."

"Well McAverage, if you want to survive in the town of Mysteryville, I would suggest you watch where you be steppin."

"Good advice, tee hee." Susan bit her lip and began playing with her hair, realizing that she would be late for school but not really caring. "So uhhhmmm do you like go to school here or anything?"
"I go to the school of the damned. I play kickball in the nether regions of human darkness and sorrow. I eat lunch in the cafeteria of longing and pain. I dissect frogs in the science lab of despair. I go to the prom in the gym of nihilism. After school I get picked up by my mom in the minivan of degradation and sin."

"Radical. I'm from the country."
"Pssshhh shit bitch, quit tripping all over my words like you got down syndrome." DJ Spoke as he brushed off his shoulder.....TWO TIMES!
"Sorry about that. So, how did you stop that truck? What are you?"

"I think you know what I am. Say it!"

".....Are you a Frankenstein?" DJ Vampire slapped himself in the forehead. "Oh no I know. You're a mummy. That's why you're so pale."

"I'm a vampire bitch! DJ Vampire n Shit. God damn! You got a case of the stupids or something?" Susan looked at him with a confused look, causing DJ to roll his eyes. "Man whatever. Listen you want to go hit up my car and do the deed 'fore you got to be a bitch and go to school?"

"But if you're a vampire who's a million years old, wouldn't that be considered pedophilia?"


"DJ VAMPIRE N SHIT!" A booming voice burst through the night air, because it was night now for some reason. "WE MUST HAVE WORDS!"

"WHO THAT IS?" DJ Vampire responded.
"IT IS I! YOUR BROTHER! "Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap"!"

"Oh shit, my brother Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap." DJ Vampire 'N Shit was astonished to see his brother Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap. The two brothers were almost exactly alike, but Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap was bigger, stronger, hair was taller, and was all around better looking than his younger brother.

"We must settle our age old conflict. After countless eons of struggle, this age old battle must end and only one of us may survive the night, which it is now......which makes complete sense."

"But how can we settle that shit?" DJ questioned.
"The only way we know how. By playing baseball....with our shirts off!"


End Chapter 1

1 comment:

  1. My friends and I laughed until we pretty much peed ourselves when you read this at RIT yesterday (or rather the day before since it's 1am on monday now.) But it was so amazing. My myspace name is now DJ Vampire 'n Shit because that's how much I loved this. :D