Thursday, October 18, 2012

Halloween Safety Tips from Evan TODAY

Good evening Boys and Ghouls....I'm sorry I meant girls....I mean women....Wait let's start over....

Good evening Boils and Women....Shit....One more time...I got this....

Good evening Men and Women of varying ages and races!

It's me, Evan, here to share 10 Halloween tips for you this holiday season that will not only let you have a night of fun, but also a night of safety and Jesus.

Let's get down to the brass tax:



Listen, no one wants to ruin a night of Halloween fun with an accident of any kind, so be sure to make sure that you're visible and that everyone can see you while Trick or Treating. It could save your life!



We've all been down this road. I can't tell you how many times Dracula's brides have approached me on the street round Halloween time and asked for a "hand out". DON'T BANG THEM. Why not? Well first off, they're engaged....ENGAGED TO DRACULA. That's a sacred commitment.....TO DRACULA. He's gonna be mighty cheesed if he finds out let me tell you.



Unlike Dracula, who has Brides, the Mummy has no one and around Halloween time, he starts planning ways to take his own life. STOP HIM. GET THE MUMMY HELP. I know that he's called you many times in the past stating, "I'm really gonna do it this time!" and you've ignored him, but he is a sad mummy and has nothing going for him. Maybe you could be his bride?



He doesn't even know what year it is! You may as well kill someone with Down Syndrome. Yes, he accidentally killed a little girl because he thought she was a flower, but what makes you so perfect?? If you kill Frankenstein, its going to be a messy legal battle for you in which you'll have to argue the point that he was already dead, that he was a conglomerate of human remains, that he functioned on electricity and not cheeseburgers. MESSY.



Halloween is a holiday that we can all enjoy, and be sure to show appreciation by saying Thank You to whoever gives you candy that day. Its common courtesy!



How many times have you seen a Werewolf on the street begging for changes, shooting up, and/or selling their bodies? A lot, I know. You can make a difference. By adopting a werewolf this holiday season, you can change the lives of these Were Folks by giving them things they desperately need, such as: Shoes that won't break during their transformation, new shirts, Student ID cards, and anything else that may help them to get a good paying job.



Freddy Krueger is a REAL THING. Don't go to sleep!



She's freezing outside! Yes, we're all super excited that you got bumped up to first class, but at the cost of your mother hanging onto the wing of the plane? Unacceptable.



Be sure to brush your teeth after you eat your Halloween candy! Wouldn't want any cavities now would we?



You heard me! Now get crackin'!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Dear Robocop

Dear Robocop,

Hi! My name is Evan. My mom told me to write you a letter even though she tells me that you are not real after hurling whiskey bottles at my head. She tells me its a game to see how long it takes for her to shut my "smart mouth". Anywhos, hello!

I just want to let you know that you are awesome. I like the way that you are Robocop. I like when you tell mean people to "FREEZE!" When they do not freeze, you are then Robocop to them. What is it like being Robocop? It is sometimes hard to be Evan, but I think it can also be hard to be Robocop.

When I grow up, I want to be just like you Robocop. Carry a gun, eat baby formula, and look like Cyclops from X-Men. Do they have the internet where you are from? 

My dad also told me that Robocop is not real, I screamed and screamed. I held my breath until my dad admitted that you were real. He then told me to buy him some cigarettes and aftershave, as he had a long night ahead of him working at the Home Depot.

I do not like the Melting Man in your movie. He's scary. Tell him to stop melting.

Do you work for Dick Jones? I heard that he was a bad guy and people should not work for him. 

I saw in your movie that you have prime diructives. I have prime diructives to. Mine are "Stop wetting the bed faggot!" and "Sit up straight and hold mommy's hair back!" 

Take me away from here Robocop. I don't like it here and I've heard such great things about Detroit. Do jobs grow on trees there?

Anywhos, I know that you are busy being Robocop so I will say good night to you now. I hope that you liked my letter and that you continue being Robocop.

Evan Valentine
Age 29

Friday, May 11, 2012

Michael Bay's The Avengers


  • The Avengers should be mentioned and are indeed saving the world during the movie, but the vast majority of the film will follow Shia Lebouf....Sam Witwicky.....Shia Witwicky as he comes to grips with having a smoking hot girlfriend, going to the college of his dreams, and has the Hulk living with him in his parents' house. From time to time, an "Avenger" (whatever the fuck those are) will show up from time to time to remind the audience that this is a movie about them, interrupting the actual meat of the story, Shia and his whacky cast of human characters: his parents, grumpy old Nick Fury, ecstatic Agent Coulson who has theories about the Avengers' existences but has no proof of their existence, and his smoking hot girlfriend: Hollywood Actress B#67-I4. 
  • Shia's character should constantly be complaining about how awful his life is. How awful it is to be living with the Hulk who is constantly doing nice things for him (Hulk is an asshole who can't talk until his voicebox is fixed at the end of the movie through the power of love.)
  • Possible lines of dialogue for Shia to say during the film:
    • "AVENGERS! Stop all of the awesome things that you are doing immediately! My parents have ingested pot brownies and it has caused them to go insane, as pot brownies often do!!"
    • "Why do you get a suit of armor? You have a shield, WHEN DO I GET ONE? A HAMMER? THAT'S NOT FAIR! (Shia needs to be constantly complaining about awesome things for the audience to relate to....somehow)
    • "Why can't I just be a normal kid without all these Avengers avenging in my business? GOD! I SAVED THE WORLD BEFORE YOU KNOW?!?!"
  • Hawkeye and Black Widow will be the Avengers who we the audience can relate to with their constant references to pop culture. Also, they MUST be in blackface the film for long periods of time with Shia. 
  • Loki will be the villain of the movie, but also a love interest for Shia who he is totally trying to bone. Remember to have long establishing shots of Loki as she bends down to retrieve her garments, scratch her toes, and generally look at shiny things that have fallen on the ground. (Possible tagline for Loki: "I'm a god of the bedroom....for Shia Lebouf Witwicky.) SHE'S GOT SASS!

  • While filming, shake the fucking camera constantly. If the audience sees what is actually happening during any of the action shots, then we're not doing our jobs.
  • Now at the end of the film, during the final credits, we COULD hint at possible sequels, but audiences that have been test screened in my brain disagreed with this course of action. Instead, we will focus on Shia's parents coming down from their high of pot brownies, only to ingest pot cupcakes. OH THE IRONY IS DELICIOUS!
  • In one of the climactic battles of the film, the Hulk's pants should be ripped off. This will allow for a humorous scene where one of our government agents can scream into his walkie talkie "GENITALS! GREEN GENITALS!"
  • The Tesseract ..... Matrix ...... Avengers Cube will bring about victory for our heroes by taking it out of Iron Man's chest and shoving it into Loki's boobs.
  • Thor's a cartoon dog. Fuck it. (For the 4-6 year old demographics. This is our Jar Jar people!)

  • Captain America should constantly be beating up brown people insurgents. He will be the rallying cry for the armed forces who are really leading the charge as the Avengers fight for the fate of the world off screen. Possible lines of dialogue for "The Cap'n" (I want these catchphrases printed on shirts YESTERDAY):
    • "You and the Cap'n can make it happen Shia!"
    • "You must yield to my shield JEW."
    • "I sure am working up a thirst for Mountain Dew!"
    • "I'm getting too old for this shit since I'm 80 years old and from World War 2. Remember? Like from my movie?"
    • "JOIN THE ARMY."

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Redskins PR Update: Daniel Snyder is NOT MonStar

Dear Redskins Fans,

Good morning. I'm the Public Relations Representative for the Washington Redskins. I'm writing this letter to you, our fans, to clarify a couple of things. We are always more than happy to have input from our fans and your opinions are critical in the maintained prosperity of our franchise. Unfortunately, there appears to be a misconception that the organization would like to address with you today.

Daniel Snyder is not the intergalactic despot known as Monstar.

Please refrain from sending us letter after letter informing us that this is the case. As you can see from the PR photos above, while the similarities are shocking to say the least, we can assure you that these two titans of business are not one in the same.

To expand upon this summary and lay the arguments to rest, we have created a detailed analysis of their differences.

1.) Daniel Snyder does not live in outer space. Monstar does.

2.) Monstar continues to fight the intergalactic heroes known as the "Silverhawks". Daniel Snyder's rivals, "The League created for the sole purpose of sending Daniel Snyder's evil back to hell", mysteriously disappeared in an unrelated accident to Mr. Snyder. As Redskins headquarters have stated numerous times in court, the fact that the "League's" bodies had "Daniel Snyder rules!" carved into their chests was merely coincidental and was a result of accident.

3.) Monstar is not capable of making the kind of successful business decisions that have propelled the Redskins franchise to new heights, the way Daniel Snyder has. Surely, we all remember the ingenious tactical acquisition of now hall of famer, Albert Haynseworth (pictured below):

4.) Monstar uses the power of the "Moon Star" to transform himself into a super powered being, able to perform feats of evil the likes of which the world has never seen. With Daniel Snyder, what you see is what you get. He doesn't need a "Moon Star" to run his team, all he needs is his analytic mind, saavy business skills, and the Necronomicon Ex Mortis.

5.) Finally, Daniel Snyder works day and night to make sure that Redskins' fans will have the greatest experience possible at Redskins Park, for as you may well know, in addition to the "convenience charge" of parking fees incorporated into stadium ticket costs, ticket costs now allow for Daniel Snyder to own each of the attendees' souls for all eternity. These stipulations will allow for the further "convenience" of Mr. Snyder leading the souls in his never ending war against God and his "do-gooding". Monstar could never dream to create a service such as this and his war against the Silver Hawks is "small potatoes".

Thank you for your time and have a great day!

*By reading this post, Daniel Snyder is now legally allowed to enter into your places of living without an invitation as per the stipulation placed upon his during the time of Jesus. He is also allowed to bring in his squad of goons, "The Snyd Squad", to rough you up a bit for "kicks".

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Hunger Royale: What Makes a Movie a Success

First off, let's get this out of the way. Hunger Games is Battle Royale. There is no way that the author of Hunger Games wasn't influenced by the Japanese flick, Battle Royale, in any number of aspects of the story of Games.

To give you some background, Battle Royale is a story that originated in Japan. The basic premise is that the government, in order to instill fear in a potentially riotous younger generation, they choose a class of teenagers, throw them on an island with enough supplies to last them for a few days, and a random weapon. Last one standing gets their life. All televised for a viewing audience that eventually leads to dissemination within the populace ultimately. Sounds familiar right?

Not to say that the two are identical, or that I even don't like Hunger Games, I thought it was actually pretty interesting. Almost like a PG version of Battle Royale.

Let me expand on that, I remember immediately saying after watching Battle Royale a number of years ago, "There is absolutely no way they could ever make this in the states" and that is still the case. With Hunger Games, there's a disconnect that comes with it. Yes, these are teenagers and yes they are in a competition to kill one another, but its not "us". Its a completely different landscape and is closer to the environment of Star Wars than it is to the environment of Battle Royale. Actually, based on the attire and the way people act, I'm almost 95% sure that this takes place in the same universe of "The Fifth Element". I was just waiting for Bruce Willis to burst down from the ceiling and proclaim, "MULTIPASS MOTHER FUCKER."

Battle Royale was fucking brutal, in almost every sense of the word. It took place in a landscape that was a LOT like ours and honestly, in a couple of decades, it wouldn't shock me if something kind of close to this happened. Sundays on Fox. To say nothing of the fact that the characters in Battle Royale WERE kids. Barring an exception or two, these were children in a monstrous scenario, where it was kill or be killed. They committed suicide. They cried. They wrestled with their imminent demise with hysteria.

In Hunger Games, I felt like they were about to all put sunglasses on themselves when they were dropped into the forest and say "Shit just got real." I didn't really feel the horror or claustrophobia of the situation in Games like in Royale. This comes back to the idea of the disconnect and removing the horror aspect to the general audience that Royale had. It's kind of like comparing John Carpenter's The Thing to the prequel/remake that came out recently.

Again, a couple complaints but I'll give Hunger Games a couple of cool notches on their belt. There were some really creative ideas that reflected our current culture. The idea of "sponsors" and needing to create a marketable persona in order to survive, that was cool. I dug that. Also the concept that everyone was starving, and the only way to get a steady stream of supplies to survive was constantly putting your name into the draw for the Games was also really innovative and not something that Battle Royale had. So kudos on those.

Overall, Hunger Games was a pretty solid flick, if you have a chance, watch Battle Royale for a more realistic, horrific, and overall better experience.

Hunger Games, as I type this, has made something akin to 160 million dollars for the weekend. That's CRAY CRAY (insane). Certainly, the fact that it was based on an already successful series of novels worldwide helped it immensely, but what made the novels and overall story so appealing? What made it cram so many people over such a wide demographic into both theaters and book stores....I mean Kindle stores?

Now I'm a marketer by trade. It's my life really. I sell myself and other things every single day. Whether it be for my 9 to 5, my comedy career, my comics, etc etc, I need to find the best ways to market to a general or target audience. When I was studying marketing/business administration in school originally, one thing that really struck me was one of my teachers explaining that there were two things that would stick with people above everything else.

Death and Sex.

There's a lot of subliminal advertising in marketing, and there's been a lot of examples of companies putting a secret message or image that's related to the two in their print ads. A cloud might happen to look like a skull or a penis or something like that. You might not even recognize it but the image sticks with you for a reason you may not fully comprehend, and thus the product does.

What does this have to do with Hunger Games? Well its kind of wrapped in both in a way. A bunch of vibrant, young participants working around a scenario that is mired in death. Its about characters dealing with mortality at a point in their lives when they should be thinking about anything but. The audience recognizes this and it strikes a chord. You know what else is like this?


Yeah I said it. I hate that series more than anything. They're pandering and poorly written and the story has been done a billion times over different mediums of entertainment. But much like Hunger Games, its a story that revolves predominantly around sex and death. Not only that, but it offers the audience a method of almost escaping the grasp of death with its vampirism and werewolf...ness? Young love that is so strong it escapes the grasp of death! TEENAGE GIRLS ASSEMBLE! (On a side note, how the fuck did the main characters fall in love with each other anyway? An 18 year old girl falls in love with a guy who's 200 years old? What the fuck could their conversations even be about?

"I have found myself adrift within the halls of time, learning things that most men would only dream of. The experiences I have had within my long life would fill all the books within a museum and the people I've had an effect on could populate the earth hundreds of times over."
".......I hate you."

Anyway, back on track. Finding a perfect combination of marketable aspects to a larger demographic allows for a movie like Hunger Games or Twilight to become far more successful than most other movies on the market.