Friday, May 11, 2012

Michael Bay's The Avengers


  • The Avengers should be mentioned and are indeed saving the world during the movie, but the vast majority of the film will follow Shia Lebouf....Sam Witwicky.....Shia Witwicky as he comes to grips with having a smoking hot girlfriend, going to the college of his dreams, and has the Hulk living with him in his parents' house. From time to time, an "Avenger" (whatever the fuck those are) will show up from time to time to remind the audience that this is a movie about them, interrupting the actual meat of the story, Shia and his whacky cast of human characters: his parents, grumpy old Nick Fury, ecstatic Agent Coulson who has theories about the Avengers' existences but has no proof of their existence, and his smoking hot girlfriend: Hollywood Actress B#67-I4. 
  • Shia's character should constantly be complaining about how awful his life is. How awful it is to be living with the Hulk who is constantly doing nice things for him (Hulk is an asshole who can't talk until his voicebox is fixed at the end of the movie through the power of love.)
  • Possible lines of dialogue for Shia to say during the film:
    • "AVENGERS! Stop all of the awesome things that you are doing immediately! My parents have ingested pot brownies and it has caused them to go insane, as pot brownies often do!!"
    • "Why do you get a suit of armor? You have a shield, WHEN DO I GET ONE? A HAMMER? THAT'S NOT FAIR! (Shia needs to be constantly complaining about awesome things for the audience to relate to....somehow)
    • "Why can't I just be a normal kid without all these Avengers avenging in my business? GOD! I SAVED THE WORLD BEFORE YOU KNOW?!?!"
  • Hawkeye and Black Widow will be the Avengers who we the audience can relate to with their constant references to pop culture. Also, they MUST be in blackface the film for long periods of time with Shia. 
  • Loki will be the villain of the movie, but also a love interest for Shia who he is totally trying to bone. Remember to have long establishing shots of Loki as she bends down to retrieve her garments, scratch her toes, and generally look at shiny things that have fallen on the ground. (Possible tagline for Loki: "I'm a god of the bedroom....for Shia Lebouf Witwicky.) SHE'S GOT SASS!

  • While filming, shake the fucking camera constantly. If the audience sees what is actually happening during any of the action shots, then we're not doing our jobs.
  • Now at the end of the film, during the final credits, we COULD hint at possible sequels, but audiences that have been test screened in my brain disagreed with this course of action. Instead, we will focus on Shia's parents coming down from their high of pot brownies, only to ingest pot cupcakes. OH THE IRONY IS DELICIOUS!
  • In one of the climactic battles of the film, the Hulk's pants should be ripped off. This will allow for a humorous scene where one of our government agents can scream into his walkie talkie "GENITALS! GREEN GENITALS!"
  • The Tesseract ..... Matrix ...... Avengers Cube will bring about victory for our heroes by taking it out of Iron Man's chest and shoving it into Loki's boobs.
  • Thor's a cartoon dog. Fuck it. (For the 4-6 year old demographics. This is our Jar Jar people!)

  • Captain America should constantly be beating up brown people insurgents. He will be the rallying cry for the armed forces who are really leading the charge as the Avengers fight for the fate of the world off screen. Possible lines of dialogue for "The Cap'n" (I want these catchphrases printed on shirts YESTERDAY):
    • "You and the Cap'n can make it happen Shia!"
    • "You must yield to my shield JEW."
    • "I sure am working up a thirst for Mountain Dew!"
    • "I'm getting too old for this shit since I'm 80 years old and from World War 2. Remember? Like from my movie?"
    • "JOIN THE ARMY."

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