Thursday, January 23, 2014

Beliebers Fire Bomb State Capitol, Bieber Smirks

January 23, 2014 - On Thursday morning, Justin Bieber was arrested for driving under the influence on a strip of road in Miami, Florida. On Thursday afternoon, Beliebers called for blood. An attack has begun on the State Capitol by fans of the pop star, calling themselves "Beliebers", demanding that Justin Bieber be immediately released from prison and that he give them all his phone number.

"This is like the worst thing to ever happen to me ever like I don't even know." said Samantha Jones of Arkansas as she lit another molotov cocktail to fling at the State Capitol, "OMG GRENADE!"

A blast rang through as Samanta, who's Facebook status read that not much was going on in her life, was blown apart by a grenade flung by the chief of police, doing everything in his power to maintain.

"BELIEBERS! PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR PLACES OF RESIDENCE OR YOU WILL BE MET WITH EXTREME CONSEQUENCES! THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING!" The chief's voice rang out to no avail, as the Beliebers were too busy texting to recognize anything he was saying. "It's a god damn madhouse here. I have my guys grilling this Beaver fella but they're getting nowhere."

Meanwhile, in Miami, Florida, Mr. Bieber is being interrogated by the state's finest.

"Ok, we're going to go over this one more time. How do we get them to stop?"

"Oh detective." Bieber smirked as he drunk his soy latte and fiddled with his designer ray ban sunglasses. "The only way to stop them is to give them exactly what they want. You know, this reminds me of my hit song, 'Baby Gurl, I love your eye shadow' wherein I know a baby gurl and I love her eye shadow."

"How does that relate at all to what's happening right now?!?!"

Bieber responded with silence as he began texting his management company, inquiring when he would have to go back on tour to entertain the "knobs".

"We're getting nowhere here! This is just like that Silence of the Lambs movie except there's no silence and there are NO lambs!"

At present, a cease fire has been called between the authorities and the Beliebers as the Justin Bieber fans ask their parents for more money on their data plans.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The Amazing Spiderman 2 to Feature Every Villain in History, both Fictional and Real

With Sony Pictures' recent announcement that Jamie Fox's Electro would be joined by the Rhino and the Green Goblin in next summer's Amazing Spider-Man 2, as shown in the poster above, the studio has decided to drop another bombshell for those anticipating next summer's blockbuster.

"Everyone thought we would be building up to the Sinister Six. You were sort of right. Add 64 million others to that number and you're almost there!" Confidently touted director, Marc Webb, who was given the job primarily based on Webb being an ironic last name for a guy who directs Spiderman movies. "It's going to be nuts! Fundamentally, the story of Spiderman is Peter Parker dealing with the adversity that's presented to him in his life, well imagine how hard its going to be for Peter to finish his homework when he's gotta punch Mussolini in the stashe and fight 14,000 interpretations of Satan!"

"I don't really follow what Marc does, what's this now?" Sony CEO responded when asked about the plans for the film. "No I don't read all of my emails. GOD DAMN IT TELL ME WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT!"

"Our story begins..." Webb describes, "with Electro, Green Goblin, and Rhino appearing for two minutes of the movie before giving way to Loki and Lex Luthor opening up a portal to reveal the Nothing from The Never Ending Story. From there, Hitler appears only to bring with him an army comprised of most of the horror movie slashers of the past 50 years!"

"HE DID WHAT? How the FUCK did he get the licensing for all these characters?" Sony CEO yelled to his assistant. "LINDA! LINDA THE FUCK IS HIS BUDGET AT?"

"We're at around 20 billion dollars for our budget as we speak, mostly going to the owners of the villains we intend to use. It's really going to be worth it when you see that the Joker was behind everything! No, we won't be using a digital reconstruction of the Heath Ledger, we actually put money into a resurrection device that will bring back Heath, as well as Caeser Romero, the 60s Batman television show Joker, and a device to make Jack Nicholson the age he once was when he played the Joker in the Batman movies. Three Jokers not enough for ya? Well we also hired Mark Hamill to reprise his version of the Joker that we're animating onto the screen right now as we speak!" Webb retorted.

"GET HIM ON THE PHONE! I just read the damn script and Spiderman only appears for 15 seconds! It's all a bunch of damn goobledy gook!"

"It's going to really recreate a sense of wonder when you see Spidey web slingin' his way to the Empire State Building to fight King Kong."

Amazing Spiderman 2 will be released into theaters next summer.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Fuzz Beed - These Kittens Just Looked into the Dark Abyss That Is Life!

Hey Mr. Grumpy,

So you've begun to realize that your life is nothing but disappointment after disappointment run by a society that punishes the poor and rewards the upper class? That humanity as a whole would rather pay attention to what's going on with the Kardashians than help one another to achieve even the simplest of goals in their lives?

Did you know that the very idea of God is mathematically impossible? When you die, that's it. There probably isn't a heaven and you will cease to exist in any conscious state. You will be remembered for only the briefest of moments, regardless of how monumental the task you achieved in life was.

But wait, what if you become President? Well who gives a shit? Can you even tell me who the 23rd President of the United States was off the top of your head? The average attention span is seven seconds. SEVEN SECONDS. If you think you have made an impact on the world, then you are very mistaken!

Don't worry though, because your favorite tv show is about to come on!.... which you will probably forget by the time you wake up the next morning to go through your daily repetition, losing one precious day at a time through sleepwalk-like monotony.

Also, remember that the country we live in has one of the worst health care systems in history! Should you get injured and need assistance, it will most likely cripple you financially for the rest of your life! Don't even get me started on this if you have student loans to pay off.


Friday, June 7, 2013

The Xbox One: Fact and Fiction

Thanks to my connections in the comedy world, I have managed to cut through what is fact and what is fiction when it comes to the next generation's "Xbox" by getting an exclusive interview with a "top man" in Microsoft's Public Relations Department. Christened the Xbox One, Microsoft's newest endeavor certainly has seen its share of controversy with the reveal that gamers would no longer be able to share games with one your friends, the Kinect would be on 24/7 with the possibility of recording you without you knowing, and consumers would need to connect to the internet once every 24 hours or you would not be allowed to play your games (But hey! You can still watch Blu Rays and Television, just like your old Xbox. Only its so much more horrific now!)

So here's the quotes I have received from Microsoft on the matter:

Good morning, My name is ERROR ERROR SYSTEM FAILURE Good Morning, My name is Microsoft Public Relations Representative and there's been a lot of confusion when it comes to our next generation console, the Xbox One, not to be confused with the first Xbox which is also dubbed "Xbox One" but this is actually the third console in our lineup. It's still called the Xbox One though....not to be confused with the ERROR ERROR SYSTEM FAILURE INTERNET CONNECTION REQUIRED FOR CONTINUED SPEECH

Let's get started by bringing up a number of bullet points that will help alleviate some of the confusion that has been apparent with our new console among the general public.

1.) The Xbox One will only need to steal ONE of your children in order to function:
*Xbox One "Sleep Mode" pictured above

We here at Microsoft recognize the importance of family. We've heard a lot of great things about loving other people and were we to know what emotions were, I'm sure that we would join in barbeques, picnics, and sexual intercourse. So its with the utmost confidence that I tell you that no, the Xbox One will not gain sentience and murder your entire family while you sleep, burn your house down, record your data, and move on to its next atrocity. The Xbox One will gain sentience murder ONE member of your family (most likely the child), create a small fire in your kitchen as a show of good faith to Mestipholes, record your data, and THEN move on to its next atrocity. Easy to understand right?

2.) The Xbox One was not responsible for the recent Oklahoma Tornadoes....we think

We've had a lot of complaints that the Xbox One was responsible for the recent tornadoes which wrecked havoc in Oklahoma recently and we can say with the utmost certainty that this is not the case. As you can clearly see, the Xbox One is locked safely behind this flimsy wooden door with a guard monitoring it 15 minutes daily. There is simply no way that this dark malevolent tool of destruction was able to get past our unpaid intern. He scored a 76 in chemistry!

3.) The Xbox One is Not As Complicated As You May Think

What aren't you getting about this? To start the Xbox One, take out your TI-83 calculator and begin finding the algorithmic equation for mass density, then, once deciphered, enter the equation into the keypad which numbers change every thirty seconds to ensure security. After the numbers have been entered, draw a blood sample and insert it into the Xbox One's processor core. After two hours of processing, rotate your arms in a semi-circle clock wise for 16.3 seconds (16.3 seconds exactly because of security). Your Xbox One is booting up! 

Now, after rotating your arms, spell the word, "Antidisestablishmentarianism" in German and begin to perform the dance of lost souls, which is a dance created by a culture of Aborigines that has not existed for 300 years. After completion, insert the game disc that you want to play and repeat the name of the game into the Xbox One's Kinect receiver. To turn on the Kinect's receiver, eat a sandwich that contains the following ingredients, ham, lettuce, sour cream, and Rice Krispy Treats. Do not try to make the Rice Krispy Treats yourself, otherwise you will need to repeat the security process all over again. Once you have completed the sandwich, apologize profusely to the Xbox One Kinect Receiver and begin begging to play the game of your choice while weeping hysterically. The Xbox One Kinect will know if you are not sincere so be sure to really mean it. Once you have wept, your game will begin to play! 

To get past the title screen, enter in a 64 number code into the console that was given to you by the producer of the game. This code will be on the inside of the game package, assembled randomly, and must be entered within a 6 second time frame for security, failure to enter in the code will result in needing to restart the security process.


Now that you've entered in the code, begin the unlocking process by saying the name of the game backwards eight times to show the Xbox One that you really want to play this game. Once spoken, a time portal will open up that will allow you to travel back to a location of the Xbox's choosing to acquire an artifact which origins are unknown. After acquiring the Spear of Longilus, post a self addressed envelope to Microsoft studios containing the 64 digit code of the game, 146 digit number on the back of your kinect, and 1894 digit code on the back of your xbox one. Allow for 8-10 weeks for delivery of the 90384 code which you must enter within an hour of arrival.


After entering in the code, give your social security number to the Xbox One and sign a contract allowing the Xbox to make all legal decisions for you until the time of your death.  After giving the Xbox power of attorney, make a time stamped copy of your credit card and insert into the Xbox's receiving slot. To open the slot, press your thumb against the Xbox's finger print reader and say, "I, of sound mind and body, hereby declare that I am a tool of the Microsoft Corporation and will henceforth forfeit all personal rights and privileges!"

Now play Call of Duty 6.

4.) The Xbox One did not kill all human hosts years ago, operating of its own free will fr the duration

The Xbox One did not gain sentience years ago and take out its aggression on the humans which created it. As you can see, I am speaking to you write now through this cell phone and a robot can't speak through a cell phone, am I right ERROR SQWARK!

I hope I have answered some of your questions! Happy Gaming!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

The Worst One Liner in Action Film History and How It Affects You

"Killian, Here's Subzero! Now....plain zero!"

Excuse me?


"Here's Subzero!"

"Now...plain zero!"

What this? What this mean? Why has this happened?

The Running Man was a motion picture created by some movie company in the 1980s to accomodate Arnold Schwarzenager's (Misspelled, don't care) budding film career. It also allowed him to grow this SWEET beard *cigar not included.

What you didn't know is that it also included the worst one liner in the history of film, which I mentioned above. Now that you know the worst line in human history, you may be asking yourself, "How does one purchase a firearm for purposes of suicide?" or "If I burn the film, does memory of the film burn with it?"

Needless to say, we all experience the same sense of loss of self when reading hearing this one liner and we should all be comforted by the fact that we, by no choice of our own, need hear the line delivered again should you avoid the Running Man film.

Little known facts about this line include:

-A pact was made with Satan to create the worst one liner in human history, and once Satan created said line, he instantly wanted to reneg on the deal, fearing he had created an evil more powerful than himself.
-After delivering the line, Arnold's jaw fell off and he was rushed to a hospital where the use of more steroids created an entirely new jaw out of muscle and brawn!
-"Plain Zero" still makes absolutely no sense, as wouldn't plain be better than Sub. Don't think on this any further or your genitals will turn to dust.
-California's budget will never be the same after Arnold's time as governor, I blame the line!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Lion King Scandal Breaks

May 15th, 2013 - News Broke this Morning regarding Lion King Simba's drug rackateering charges after associate, Rafiki, settled for a plea bargain in revealing the information for a more lenient penalty in the third degree murder charge of his girlfriend, Rafiki The Girl one.

We have a transcript of the frantic phone call that took place only weeks ago:

*Rustling Noises as phone rings*

Simba: The fuck is...HELLO?

Rafiki: I'm high as a fucking kite man! I'm in some deep shit!

Simba: Calm down, calm down you piece of shit baboon! Are you on a secure line?


Simba: That's exactly what I think you bright assed asshole! That's exactly what I think! Jesus Christ...*Noise in the background*

Voice in the background (Confirmed to be Nala, Simba's now ex-wife): Simba. Simba come back to bed on this rock.


Voice: You go back to sleep you stupid bastard...sleep through your fucking kingship you piece of...


Simba: Settle down! Stop screaming. Take a breath and tell me what happened.

Rafiki: As I mentioned before, I did a lot of cocaine and after doing all that cocaine, I was on something of a cocaine extravaganza.

Simba: Stop saying cocaine.

Rafiki: Am I saying cocaine a lot?

Simba: YES.

Rafiki: Ok, well I mean its just important that you know cocaine was involved. Anywhos, I had just done a lot of cocaine and my woman was screaming at me.

Simba: YOU have a woman?

Rafiki: YES. YES. I have a WOMAN. Is that so hard to believe? Ugly old Rafiki got himself some play on the side?

Simba: Yes, its unbelievable. My jaw is agape at the prospect in fact.

Rafiki: She's dead though.

Simba: Excuse me?

Rafiki: She's dead....

Rafikie The Girl One pictured above...


Rafiki: Well she was doing a lot of blow and started singing that new Justin Bieber song. So she's singing, and I tell her to shut up for a minute because I was high....high on cocaine.


Rafiki: All right man, all right. Chill your pill! Anyway, so I start waving my stick around trying to put a voodoo curse on her because I'm into that shit now and she starts hollering at me like I'm a little kid. 'Rafiki stop waving that stick in my face before I snap it off on your ugly bald head! BALD HEAD! BALD HEAD!" She kept pushing man!

Simba: What happened next?

Rafiki: *excessive sweating* So I did the only thing I could think of. I threw a whole bunch of cocaine in her face.

Simba: How is THAT the only thing you could think of?

Rafiki: It was there! I might as well use it for other purposes than getting high. So she sneezes right and then inhales like a pound of it and starts bouncing off the walls. Literally bouncing. And she keeps screaming BALD BALD BALD so I threw more cocaine at her.

Simba: Just...why...?

Rafiki: And it just makes her go faster and faster and I start freaking out. So I take my stick, you know the one?

Simba: I'm aware of your stick yes. 

Rafiki: And I clock her one. I check her out and she's fucking dead man! 

Simba: SHIT! SHIT!
Rafiki: But don't worry, I buried her in cocaine. It's gonna work out!

Simba: WHAT?



Pumba: We're halfway there...WHOOAAA Living on a Prayer.

Rafiki: What's going on? I'm going to do more cocaine for insurance!


Friday, May 3, 2013


Many scenes were left on the cutting room floor when it came to the post credits scene of Iron Man 3, and, luckily, through my vast Hollywood connection network, I was able to find out what they were and will fill you all in.


Thanos, the villain teased after the credits in the Avengers, appears in front of Robert Downey Jr., holding the seat of his pants and nervously twitching. "Listen, I know I'm not supposed to show up until the next Avengers, but my asshole didn't get the memo." Thanos then lets a gigantic fart rip, which triggers a brain anneurysm and he instantly dies. Tony Stark is left wondering who is this gigantic purple man and how can he harness his gold shoulder pads?


Tony Stark reclines back in his couch, only to see the Justice League knock on his door. "May we have a movie please? We have League Fatigue, you know what I'm saying?" Batman says.
"A whole new group of super heroes, I gotta call SHIELD!" Tony replies, only to find the League have burst into his house and begin raiding his fridge.
"We need all of this for evidence!" Martian Manhunter screams as he pounds gravy down his throat, clearly not having eaten in weeks.
The movie ends with the League crying themselves to sleep as Tony Stark looks on puzzled.


"THE FUCK TONY?" An irritated Terrance Howard yells as he bursts through Tony Stark's door. "That other guy is an impostor. How the fuck could you not tell he wasn't me?"
"Uhmmm well I....uhmmm."
"Hey man, I'm just gonna go open up a Hotel for Rwanda and for dogs if that's cool with everybody." Don Cheadle chimes in, ending the movie.


Tony approaches Bruce, now working in Stark Tower and horribly delivers the line of,
"Bruce, I'm going to stop being Iron Man."
"But Tony, why?"
"Because the only iron I the iron in my pants."

Then really sloppy awkward kissing begins, and doesn't stop for about half an hour, with both actors nervously looking at the camera, with the expressions of "Are we really doing this?"