Lion King Scandal Breaks

May 15th, 2013 - News Broke this Morning regarding Lion King Simba's drug rackateering charges after associate, Rafiki, settled for a plea bargain in revealing the information for a more lenient penalty in the third degree murder charge of his girlfriend, Rafiki The Girl one.

We have a transcript of the frantic phone call that took place only weeks ago:

*Rustling Noises as phone rings*

Simba: The fuck is...HELLO?

Rafiki: I'm high as a fucking kite man! I'm in some deep shit!

Simba: Calm down, calm down you piece of shit baboon! Are you on a secure line?

Rafiki: YOU THINK I WOULD BE CALLING YOU ON AN UNSECURE LINE AFTER I DID THAT MUCH COCAINE?

Simba: That's exactly what I think you bright assed asshole! That's exactly what I think! Jesus Christ...*Noise in the background*

Voice in the background (Confirmed to be Nala, Simba's now ex-wife): Simba. Simba come back to bed on this rock.

Simba: I'M ON THE PHONE! I'M ON THE DAMN TELEPHONE I HAD SPECIALLY MADE FOR MY LION PAWS! GO BACK TO SLEEP!

Voice: You go back to sleep you stupid bastard...sleep through your fucking kingship you piece of...

Rafiki: I FUCKED UP MAN.

Simba: Settle down! Stop screaming. Take a breath and tell me what happened.

Rafiki: As I mentioned before, I did a lot of cocaine and after doing all that cocaine, I was on something of a cocaine extravaganza.

Simba: Stop saying cocaine.

Rafiki: Am I saying cocaine a lot?

Simba: YES.

Rafiki: Ok, well I mean its just important that you know cocaine was involved. Anywhos, I had just done a lot of cocaine and my woman was screaming at me.

Simba: YOU have a woman?

Rafiki: YES. YES. I have a WOMAN. Is that so hard to believe? Ugly old Rafiki got himself some play on the side?

Simba: Yes, its unbelievable. My jaw is agape at the prospect in fact.

Rafiki: She's dead though.

Simba: Excuse me?

Rafiki: She's dead....

Rafikie The Girl One pictured above...

Simba: WHAT. DO YOU MEAN...SHE'S DEAD?

Rafiki: Well she was doing a lot of blow and started singing that new Justin Bieber song. So she's singing, and I tell her to shut up for a minute because I was high....high on cocaine.

Simba: I KNOW ALREADY.

Rafiki: All right man, all right. Chill your pill! Anyway, so I start waving my stick around trying to put a voodoo curse on her because I'm into that shit now and she starts hollering at me like I'm a little kid. 'Rafiki stop waving that stick in my face before I snap it off on your ugly bald head! BALD HEAD! BALD HEAD!" She kept pushing man!

Simba: What happened next?

Rafiki: *excessive sweating* So I did the only thing I could think of. I threw a whole bunch of cocaine in her face.

Simba: How is THAT the only thing you could think of?

Rafiki: It was there! I might as well use it for other purposes than getting high. So she sneezes right and then inhales like a pound of it and starts bouncing off the walls. Literally bouncing. And she keeps screaming BALD BALD BALD so I threw more cocaine at her.

Simba: Just...why...?

Rafiki: And it just makes her go faster and faster and I start freaking out. So I take my stick, you know the one?

Simba: I'm aware of your stick yes. 

Rafiki: And I clock her one. I check her out and she's fucking dead man! 

Simba: SHIT! SHIT!

Rafiki: But don't worry, I buried her in cocaine. It's gonna work out!

Simba: WHAT?

Pumba: WHERE THE PUSSY AT?

Simba: THE FUCK? TIMON GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Pumba: We're halfway there...WHOOAAA Living on a Prayer.

Rafiki: What's going on? I'm going to do more cocaine for insurance!

Simba: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? DAMN IT PUMBA! GET OUTTA HERE! GET OUTTA HERE! *Phone disconnected*