Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Jon and Kate Plus 8: Interview #2 (THE DIVORCE!) Kate's Side

Evan: Good morning Kate.

Kate: Sit up straight.

Evan: Excuse me?

Kate: Sit up straight, your posture is terrible.

Evan: Uhhh ok? *Sits up in his chair*

Kate: That's better. Now proceed with asking me questions.

Evan: Well to start, how are you handling the divorce?

Kate: Its a tough situation, but like my mother used to tell me, "Weakness is pain leaving the body bitch, now give me thirty more push ups." Then I would puke into a bucket and she'd kick me in the face. Meeemmmoorrriieeesss.

Evan:..........Fair enough.

Kate: But most important is that the kids are taken care of in my glorious, iron fisted monarchy that is our family.

Evan: Excuse me, your what?

Kate: My monarchy. My regime. My "kingdom" if you will. Jon was able to escape my efforts through "divorce", pshaw, but those kids are mine until they turn 18 and rest assured, punishment will be evenly distributed. Work is freedom after all.

Evan: Weren't those the words written over Auschwitz?

Kate: Oh yeah! That's where I heard that. You know those Nazis, they were all right.


Kate: Well ok, mostly not for the killing part but for the work ethic and dedication to their craft. Truly an inspiration.

Evan: Moving you have plans today for what the kids will be doing?

Kate: Well first its nap time, thats the time when I get to stare meaninglessly into the cold abyss of the outside world. Then comes play time for them......when I continue to stare meaninglessly into the cold abyss of the outside world.

Evan: Well I mean, you could play with your children and have fun with them.

Kate: Hahaha Fun, oh my hahahaha does not compute hahaha Oh my.

Evan: *raises an eyebrow* So you've been on the road a lot, do you find that your fans are sympathetic with your plight.

Kate: Oh sure, I mean even before the divorce I would love going out on the road so I could give my fans the advice that they need and in return, they'd give me assplay.


Kate: Heresay. They'd give me heresay about the various trials and tribulations that they themselves have gone through in their lives.

Evan: I thought you said something different.

Kate: Sometimes your ears play tricks on you. Applesauce.

Evan: Oooooookkkkkkk. Moving on again. Do you feel that sometimes you need to get away from everything?

Kate: I do. Sometimes I definitely feel this. Sometimes I want to find a castle in the middle of a small European country, build myself a suit of armor and lord over that place so that they may all be my children.

Evan:.......You mean like Dr. Doom?

Kate: I'm not familiar with who that is but he's a-ok in my book! And I will be not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morn! Treacherous as the Seas! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall love me and despair!

Evan: JESUS! *Roof begins coming down around Evan and Kate as Kate begins growing in size. Kate smashes through the walls of studio, Evan is crushed underneath a large pillar*

Kate: GONE! GONE THE FORM OF MAN! *Kate's reign of destruction began here.*

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Jon and Kate Plus 8: Interview #2 (THE DIVORCE!) Jon's Side

Hi guys, so using my Hollywood connections I was once again able to interview each of the parents from Jon and Kate Plus 8. Unfortunately, due to the divorce proceedings, I was only able to interview them one at a time. Here's what Jon had to say:

Evan: Hello Jon, how are you today?

Jon: Gotta tell you bro, I'm feeling a-ok!

Evan: That's good, I actually thought this would be a hard time for you, with the divorce underway and everything.

Jon: Heck no man! I'm a 32 year old bulldog who has been let off his leash and is on the prowl after his testicles miraculousy have grown back after being snipped by a crazy veterinarian with no class! NO CLASS!

Evan: Uhhhmmm.....what?

Jon: Mothers, lock up your daughters! Because the way I see it, a man has become bitten by a radioactive penis which gives him sexual powers that were originally restrained by an evil sorceress but are now free to spread love and joy to all the females out there in the world tonight. Man Penis is born!

Evan: Excuse me?

Jon: Man Penis! That's me! Man Penis!





Evan: What in God's name are you talking about?

Jon: Listen square, I'm only 32 years old. I have a motorcycle and I had the abilty to put 8 babies inside one woman. You know how much street cred that gets me? OOOO WEEE!

Evan: Fair enough. Nice earrings by the way.

Jon: You mean my sparklies? Yeah, chicks dig em. *sniff* Guess I'm something of a super stud.

Evan: So I guess you're taking this divorce in stride. Do you feel badly at all for the kids?

Jon: Do I feel for my children? Of course I do. I've been a father for nearly a decade and I would give my life for each and every one of those children. Throughout all of the hardships and trials that I've needed to endure to really give them the opportunities that I never had when I was their age, to be able to provide for them and love them like no other parents would. To be able to give them the experience of growing up with their brothers and sisters and watching them grow, while sheltering them and giving them experiences they'll never forget is a thing of beauty.

Evan: Any words of wisdom for them?

Jon: Yes. Sons and daughters of me, live proud and live free and don't take shit from nobody. Sons, grow up strong. Daughters, don't be like your mother.

Evan: Wait a minute.....

Jon: What?

Evan: What are your sons and daughters' names?

Jon: *nervously* Th-their names?

Evan: Yeah. Their names. Surely you know their names.

Jon: Of course I do. Why I'm offended by even the mere mention....I mean you know theres.....the gay one.....and that one with the glasses.....and the one who sneezed that one time into the sink......and Doc?

Evan: Those aren't their names.

Jon: Was that the phone?

Evan: I didn't hear any.....HEY! *Evan grabs Jon as the 32 year old man quickly tries to climb out the window of the establishment*


Evan: Sit down and I will!

Jon: Fine! *Jon proceeds to sit down* Whatever man.

Evan: How is the band coming al....

Jon: ASIAN PERSUASION? GREAT MAN GREAT! We about to kick off our three state tour. Here's our album, fresh off the presses!

Evan: *Evan gags in horror* You're all naked on this album cover.

Jon: Fuck yeah! That nakedness represents our ability to blend into our surroundings without "man's law" getting in the way.

Evan: That makes no sense, I can clearly see all of you! And the name of the album is...."The only 8 kids I got are the beers in my fridge"? Good Lord!

Jon: Its a metaphor.

Evan: For what?

Jon: For drinking kicking ass, am I right??? *Jon places his hand up in the air awaiting a high five, Evan looks at it with contempt, Jon places his hand down*

Evan: Yeeaaahhhh. So one last thing, do you feel you have anything else to say?

Jon: Oh yeah. Jon Gosling will be at McSwinger's Party Lounge tonight from 8 to 10 PM as part of the Wacky Pack 94.7 Morning Palooza. I'll be handing out "Team Jon" t-shirts with my new slogan written on it. "GA-GOOSH! Don't take SHIT from NOBODY!"


Friday, June 19, 2009

Evan's getting poignant!

The society we've made for ourselves on this little ball of mud and water is something unique isn't it? We continue to expand and evolve with technology and communication into this weird hybrid of being united through electricity and wires, and in that, we kind of desensitize one another to the human experience in a way. Its a weird symbiotic tendency I guess with the progression of technological mastery. We will encounter more people through a rectangular glowing picture box than actual face to face meetings.
I remember reading this short story back when I was in 6th or 7th grade about teleporters being all the rage, obviously this was fiction....unless everyone's keeping a ridiculously huge secret from me, and people stopped going outside completely because the teleporters did all the work for them in getting them where they needed to go. Of course, no one really took into account the "Brundle Fly" scenario in this story, but you get the idea.

I wonder how similar something would happen if these things really did exist (The isolation I mean, not Jeff Goldblum's predicament) Regardless, I'm going off on a tangent.

The point I'm trying to make with this is that in a lot of ways, we're losing something of ourselves with the replacement of technology for most of our everyday needs. Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily. Maybe we're having those things we lost replaced with something else that could ultimately make us better in the long run. Who's to say?

Regardless of our evolution, we as a people are depraved. We're inadequate. We can do things to one another that are beyond reprehension and cause untold heartbreak. But we are also beautiful. We're intelligent. We create remarkable works of creativity and every so often, will show one another that we are capable of accomplishing great things. Most importantly, we can be there for each other.

Its a balancing act and while we hear more about the former, I hope that the latter takes place just as much if not more for every occurrence of hatred or spite or malice or what have you. But my thoughts on this is that the greatest thing that we have as a people is our creativity. Through stories, through poems, through imagination, you're taking a part of yourself, the best part, and laying it out for people to see, for people to enjoy. Its selfish and selfless.

So how did I get onto this topic? Well it was due to this story I read this morning:

"HUNTINGTON BEACH – Colby Curtin, a 10-year-old with a rare form of cancer, was staying alive for one thing – a movie. From the minute Colby saw the previews to the Disney-Pixar movie Up, she was desperate to see it. Colby had been diagnosed with vascular cancer about three years ago, said her mother, Lisa Curtin, and at the beginning of this month it became apparent that she would die soon and was too ill to be moved to a theater to see the film.
After a family friend made frantic calls to Pixar to help grant Colby her dying wish, Pixar came to the rescue. The company flew an employee with a DVD of Up, which is only in theaters, to the Curtins’ Huntington Beach home on June 10 for a private viewing of the movie."

For the rest of the story, go here:

Up was a masterpiece and through that piece of creativity, they were able to make a little girl's last few hours on earth special. It made her hold on for a little while longer and their act of kindness is really just the representation of the best we have to offer as a people.

People ask me what I hope to accomplish with comedy and all the creative stuff I've done and continue to do. I don't really respond this way as I'm much less intricate and thoughtful when I'm talking with someone face to face rather than typing the words into a text box like I am right now, but I've accomplished what I started doing comedy for. I've made people happy in some way or another. I've brightened days, made people laugh and helped them to forget about their troubles. I wish I could do it on a more frequent basis but I'm hopeful that when I'm long gone, I'll be remembered for putting together jokes/stories/rock epics that made people chuckle if only for a little while. I hope that that is my mark on the world.

Oh and also......Fart.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Funniest Moment in Television History

"What the hell is she doing here? Really? I'll tell you what I'm doing here. You wanna know what I'm doing here, shit-for-brains? I had sex with your dad! That's right! I had sex with your father, because just like you I like my sex old and ugly! And with fake hair on their heads that falls off when you're having sex with them! It just falls off because that's what you do, Dennis Reynolds - you like to have sex with old people! And you said that you loved me! You said "I love you", and so I thought "Okay, well, I love you too"! How do you show love? You go and have sex with old people! SO THAT'S WHAT I DID TOO!"

Seriously, if you have never watched "Its Always Sunny in Philidelphia", do so. As a standup comedian, I know what is funny and this show is my absolute funniest show of all time.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I'm Single, Yeah I know

So yeah, this was one I was debating writing about. Its true, I'm single. I got out of a... well I don't really think I'd call it a serious relationship, but it was a relationship a few months back. It still hurts a bit as most of these things tend to, I mean I had known her for years before we jumped into it and the old adage is usually "that great couple always started out as friends first". There would be times when I would sit there and smile and think, "Wow. This is going to be the one" as we'd both make crude jokes to one another, laughing our asses off sitting in a parking lot after a rock show. And for each of those instances there were definitely an equal amount of "What the fuck am I thinking with this???" but you know thats what relationships are. Its yet another example of this weird camp that people fall into when they are single in their mid 20's, those who are simply not ready/willing for a serious relationship, and those who are looking but can't seem to find what they are looking for.

Its rough for single folk out there a lot of the time, as people kind of give you this, "Holy shit, you're single?" look, like you have the plague. Of course it always stings a little when you see your friends are getting married or in these serious relationships and you're just the "eccentric goofball who hooks up with various girls on a regular basis". And thats something that worries me of course, the fact that I'm viewed as "the eccentric goofball" like through my jokes and creativity I kind of can't be taken seriously a lot of the time.
I'd be lying if I didn't say a big part of me working out and dieting to such an extreme degree wasn't over the fact that it will just make the process easier without having to put ridiculous degrees of effort into it, but of course, we all know that in relationships, its all about effort. Its about compromise and all that good crap.

In terms of settling down, I think we as a society have this weird mentality that it NEEDS to happen as early as possible, meanwhile the divorce rate in the country is what 40 percent? I mean a lot of my friends in college were these hardcore Christian kids which was just the weird group that I fell into, which had its good and bad qualities of course like everything. Most of them have just gotten married to the first girl they had "seriously dated" and went right out of the gates in their early 20s. I'm not going to go off on that and "poo-poo" someone for making that decision, if they felt that that was the right thing for them to do at the time, well then more power to them. Me on the other hand, shit. I had no idea who the fuck I was or what the fuck I wanted in my early 20s. Its about developing into the person you plan on being and finding someone who can fit into that mold.

So, for my fellow single people out there, I thought I would list a number of places that I have looked and been successful in meeting people.
1.) The Bars. This is kind of a weekly ritual for me and my friends. Go to a bar, have fun, drink, rinse, repeat. I've met a number of women through just being my usual witty self and the fact that I'm kind of easy to spot in a crowd tends to help me in that department. Its not really a place to meet "girlfriend material" but you know, bars are there to have fun.
2.) The Metro. This takes balls more than anything else but its just about starting up conversations with people who catch your eye and give you that "Oh well I'm not really paying attention, I'm reading this book about Women's Rights, but you know if you want to come over and talk for a bit, feel free to, kay?"
3.) Comedy Shows. Well this puts me in the spotlight a little bit more and of course this is always a good thing. This is also bad in the consideration that my "comedy persona" is a little out there. Its funny, I have a very Jekyll and Hyde thing going when it comes to comedy me vs regular me.
4.) Internet. Yeah I know, not exactly the most awesome place but it works sometimes and you get to meet a lot of great people.
So when you're feeling down about being single or something, don't be. There's millions of people out there in the exact same boat. Its just about finding that right one who makes you laugh, who will be there for you through thick and thin, who puts themselves on a completely different level than everyone else. Well regardless of who I marry in the future, at least they'll know they'll get a kick ass last name out of the deal.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Ghost Hunters can Fuck Off

Somewhere right now there's a man who has lost his home. He's sifting through garbage in order to get the latest bit of food that will help to prolong his life another day, primarily based on survival instincts rather than anything else. He has lost his family, he has lost his entitlement to humanity, he has lost his place in the social order of society, clinging to what little he had in a make shift shelter pieced together from cardboard cutouts of Jack Sparrow and toilet paper. He once had a life, he once had hopes and dreams, he was once successful, he had children and legacies and Satuday soccer games and ballet lessons and aspirations and bills and headaches and everyday problems. Now, he has to worry about rats eating his leftover Arby's Big Beef and Cheddar thats three days old he found after taking off a used condom from the top. He'd kill himself, but he doesn't have enough money for a gun and can't jump off a building, because you need to have shoes to enter into the building in the first place. This man's life is in shambles, regardless of his talents, regardless of his skills, regardless of everything.

Meanwhile, these assholes get paid for walking through dark places and acting scared about shit.

Yes, for today's entry, I'm going off on the assholes who are the inappropriately dubbed, "Ghost Hunters" I mean technically, they do "hunt ghosts" in the same way that I "hunt Bigfoot" by just looking into a forest whenever I pass one in a car or running or something.

To further explore the definition of what these two "experts" are supposed to be, the definition of a hunter is "a person or animal that seeks out and kills or captures game".

In this case, the "game" would be the "ghosts" who haunt establishments such as mansions, farms, graveyards, and museums where old pieces of the Titanic are currently being held because the ghosts of those who died MUST follow these pieces wherever they dwell regardless of any evidence stating as such. OOOOoooOOOOooOOOOooOOOO.

Now, would you like to take a guess as to how many "ghosts" the "Ghost Hunters" have "killed or captured?" There have been 4 seasons spanning over 5 years so thats roughly over 70 episodes at least. Surely these experts must have caught at least 5 ghosts, possibly killed one? Don't exactly know how one "kills" a ghost but these are "Ghost Hunters" after all.

Ok, lets look this up. Aaanndd the answer Shocker. After 5 years, the Ghost Hunters have caught aproximately zero ghosts and accidentally killed six people using "ghost bullets" which were actually just regular bullets with the words "Fuck Ghosts" etched into the sides, thus in fact CREATING more ghosts!.....All right the latter is a lie, but how awesome would that be if they just started firing randomly into the darkness whenever they heard a sound or felt something "GRAB MY LEG"!

Realistically, maybe I'm being a little harsh on them. Surely they must have scientific degrees in the paranormal and have studied extensively on the aspects of a possible afterlife, spending decades researching philosophies on the afterlife and the psychological implications of death. Hold on a second, let me wikipedia them. Aaannnddd they're plumbers.

Yes the mighty Ghost Hunters have used their extensive knowledge of shit caked pipes and ass cracks to breach the world of the supernatural. Plumbers "fighting" ghosts, where have I heard that one before?

The Ghost Hunters are in fact a real life version of the Mario Brothers, only much much worse. Unlike the Mario Brothers, who killed thousands of ghosts by wearing raccoon suits and shooting fireballs out of their hands, the Ghost Hunters merely look scared at various locales, say, "Well I guess the spirits are at rest now", leave, go home, and drown their sorrows in beer and alimony.

The Hunters popularity is mind boggling however, as people fucking LOVE to watch two grown men act confused in night vision goggles. There are currently three spin offs including, "Ghost Hunters International", "UFO Hunters", And "The Othersiders" which is Ghost Hunters for Kids.


I challenge the Ghost Hunters to find ONE ghost....EVER! Justify your existences damn you! Capture Abraham Lincoln and have him tell us where he hid the gold he stored underneath his hat! Ask the ghost of Hitler how he felt regarding his portrayal in the Tom Cruise flick Valkyrie! Ask Ghandi how he feels about Arby's Big Beef and Cheddar Sandwich!

*Sigh* Forget it. These two men have created a monopoly on being scared and shrugging their shoulders. Who wants to join me and be "Loch Ness Monster Hunters"? There's probably a market for that.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Captain Who is Coming Back?

I know that we have heard a lot of rumors and I know that we have been waiting very patiently for this certain Captain to return but finally, after all this time, the wait is over.

Yes after a long time when this character had been shot in the chest and left for dead, he has returned from the grave to help us all.
Yes ladies and gentlemen have no fear, because Captain Ireland is BACK!

Captain Ireland of course was created by the Irish government as a peace keeping symbol of the Irish way of life, dipped into a vat of radioactive Guinness, the Green, orange, and White dynamo has dedicated himself to truth, justice, and debauchery.

Captain Ireland has a number of abilities that make him far and away above the mortal man:

- Super Human Strength

- The ability to recite all of Boondock Saints

- Can get drunk either super quick or not at all, depending on the temperature outside.

- Snakes get the fuck outta Dodge when he's around!

- The ability to pull off wearing a derby hat and yelling at people in Gaellic.

- Be Pale!

- And of course, lest we forget, Captain Ireland always has his trusty leprechaun by his side, who's been dead for 13 years, on straps attached to Cap's arm that he hurls at people as if it were a frisbee.

Weaknesses include: Not drinking! Things that are not green! Horsing around too little! Manual Labor in exchange for currency! Televisions with more than 3 channels! Every day that is not March 17th! Driving a car! Driving a car into a place that is not a lake! Driving a car that is not on fire! Driving a car that has wheels! Driving a car that has wheels that is not named "St. Patrick's Dick"!

So everyone can sleep well at night knowing that Captain Ireland is on the job and is coming to a town near you, dead or alive!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Famous Valentines

Special weekend edition folks. Usually I keep this to Monday through Friday, but its a lazy Sunday and I felt like doing some writing.

My last name is Valentine, as you all know, and I gotta say its a pretty awesome last name. The first name I could give or take, but having the last name of Valentine always meant I would do something against the norm. I landed into the comedy/alternative field, where I could have easily become a private investigator or a porno star based on my last name alone. So I thought I'd take the time to look at some of the famous "Valentines" throughout the ages.
Skeeter Valentine

Skeeter Valentine was of course a character from the old show, "Doug". Always a good friend, a sidekick as it were to the main protagonist that was Doug. Skeeter was something of an idiot savante, he could calculate the hexadecimals in a neutron star and discover the intricacies of Freud's human psychological prospectives, but he also made fart noises as a reflex and honked on a constant basis. Something of a balancing act to be sure. Skeeter though did a good job of representing the "Valentine" badge in being an all around nice guy. Always there for his friends and was able to overcome the fact that he was blue in a world where people were orange, green, pale, and magenta.

St Valentine

There have been a number of saints who were the original inspiration for "Valentine's Day", and he was an inspirational Martyr. Its kind of odd that the day that a Roman priest was beheaded and executed, we give our loved ones chocolates and roses. Lord knows, I've heard enough cracks about my name on the ever revolving February 14th. Good times.

Greg the Hammer Valentine

One of the all time great wrestlers of all time, I always thought that I was somehow related to this guy in some weird way back when I was 7, sitting in the limelight of Wrestlemania from the recesses of the basement of my parents' house in Wintergreen. The guy was a great wrestler and obviously created a name for himself with that, but I find it funny that he has something of an "old woman face". I think you could transfer his face onto the body of an elderly bingo junkie and you wouldn't really be able to tell the difference. On a somewhat related subject, when I was in Kindergarden, one of the fathers of a girl in my class was Big John Stud, the first winner of WWF's Royal Rumble. I don't really stay abreast of the wrestling world nowadays, but back then, having a famous wrestler come to your house and helicopter you ala Zangief from Street Fighter was pretty damn sick.

Evan Valentine

Now this one is a piece of work. Living in Washington DC, a kind of tall-ish Tim Robbins looking gentleman. Quite articulate when it comes to creating pieces of creative work and dialect, he's something of a walking cartoon character in some respects. Definitely good for a laugh, that's for sure. What will the future hold for this gangly bastard I wonder. Maybe one day he'll settle down and have a family, spreading the benefit of his many years on earth to his children, looking back on the years when he was sitting in smoke filled basements recording epic musicals, smoke filled bars rattling his thoughts through a microphone, and punching the keys of a laptop to put his thoughts on cyberspace for everyone to read throughout the history of humanity. Who knows?

Evan Valentine - Porno Actress

.....................................Don't really have the words for this one. Considering there's an 18 year old Asian porno actress with my name. Well, at least she's being creative.

Friday, June 12, 2009

The Worst, Most Pathetic Job Ever

Hmmm. Now I've thought about this and come to the conclusion of what is the worst and most ridiculous/pathetic job that I could think of and it came back to one job and one job alone:

Yes, its the guys who put on the giant headed president suits and dance around/race across Nationals Stadium. What kind of pathetic unbelievable loser decides, "Hey you know what? I'm going to get paid less than minimum wage before I go to grad school and ride around on a segway, while simultaneously desecrating the memories of our founding fathers!"

Let's really take the time to examine this shall we? Its quite ghoulish when you think about it. Wearing the cartoonish visage of a dead man. Comically falling over in giant prosthetic heads while the presidents roll around in their graves because you feel the need to piss all over their memories. Now as a comedian, I make fun of people sure, its part of the job, but at least I leave them some shreds of dignity, and in doing so keep my dignity intact as well. If I were to go on stage and wear a giant plastic head of Susan B Arthur while doing a joke about her, she'd burst forth from her grave and strangle me to death. How do you think George Carlin REALLY died?

On top of this, we should examine the person who is inside one of these outfits. First off, they have no "life" to speak of. More than likely they have become shells of their former selves, the twinkle in their eye being replaced with a horror and disdain towards society that not even their best friends could begin to contemplate. Their hideous facial features, I'm guessing a mix between Forrest Gump and Dumbo with a gap in their teeth, covered by something that can finally have them accepted by society, kind of like how the village idiot was accepted by the townfolk for dropping his pants at the women folk during the monthly town meeting at the beer hall. Their emotional and mental states are walking a tight line between insanity and passive aggressive displacement.

Should these poor bastards ever have any kind of long lasting relationship, the nightmares of having been a human joke will surely catch up with them.

Imagine having sex with your loved one and while they scream out for you to say their name, instead you yell out, "Abraham Lincoln was the tallest American president!" Your loved one instantly stops, horrified, and while you, faux-Lincoln, attempt to cover your mouth, you instantly go flaccid. The only thing that will "get you off" from this point forward is recognition that your life was not a lie, and lets be serious, you wore a giant Teddy Rosevelt head and galivanted across a baseball diamond in front of tens of thousands of people, that shit ain't happening anytime soon.

Ok, you're probably saying "Whoa Evan. That seems a little rough don't you think? I mean its all in good fun. Everyone is having a laugh and the presidents aren't being disrespected THAT much." You know you're probably right. Maybe I'm being a little rough on these guys. I'm sure they're just normal folks and aren't really the horrifying stunted man children I'm making them out to be. Its not like they're REALLY disrespecting the things that these men lived and died for in their times.
Oh look, George Washington is about to receive the baton from a giant taco. I'm sure that's what Georgie had in mind when he was fighting for American freedom on the war torn country side against insurmountable odds.

Folks, how about we unite together and do something about "bad" comedy like this? How about we as a people step up and say, "You know what? This sucks balls! Can't we be entertained in a way that is thought provoking without giggling at human chuds wearing stupid costumes?"
Oh no, Roosevelt's on to me. Based on his demeanor, he's sex deprived and retard strong. This is going to be a rough one kids. Tell my family I.....!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Real World is coming to DC!

Yes, you heard me right. MTV's the Real World is going to start filming in Dupont Circle for their next season and there isn't a chance in hell that I'm missing out on getting in on the festivities.

So I'm going to list off a number of things that I am going to do when the filming begins to really show the members of The Real World: Washington DC that DC is a great place to party and hang out.

1.) I will show up on the first day of filming wearing a fake moustache and proceed to say that I am the fifth cast member and my name is Jungo. Whenever someone asks me a question, I will repeat, "My name is Jungo! JUNGO!" I will slap whatever they are holding in their hands at this point, if they are holding nothing, I will ask them politely to hold a plate or a glass, then smack it away from them.

2.) Once getting ejected from the house, I will proceed to sit outside of the house, smoking newports and yelling for the "assholes inside" to play the Jonas Brothers, as they are part of MTV and should do as I say, as I am a resident of Washington DC.


4.) I will be hanging out at Dupont Circle bars (The Big Hunt for example) looking out for the cast members and the camera crews. When I see the cast members and the camera crew in tow, I will wave and yell out, "Hey! Its me! JUNGO! We spoke on the phone remember???"

5.) I will buy the cast members shots and ask, "So which one is the Puck of the house?" However they reply, I will instantly laugh and say, "That's such a Puck thing to do." I will then refer to that person as Puck for the rest of the night, constantly interupting other peoples' conversations, demanding that "Puck" be allowed to contribute to the conversation.

6.) I will ask the cast members to define what "Music Television" means and instantly inform them that they are wrong! Music television is obviously a channel that should be populated with shows about pre-pubescent girls getting railed in buses and taking lie detector tests.....while getting railed in buses. I will ask the cast members if they had seen the most recent episode of "My Super Sweet 16" or "Sex.....with mom and dad." If they reply no, I'll lean over to another cast member and in a very loud voice, proceed to ask, "The fuck is wrong with this knob job?"

7.) Once everyone has gotten wasted, I will then speak to the cast members about how "The Real World" will be the only thing of significance that they will ever do or be remembered for. Even if they discover the cure for cancer, which seems doubtful as I don't think that many biologists are part of the Real World demographic, they will still always be remembered for breaking the condom in the hot tub and contracting an STD....FROM JUNGO!

8.) When asked about my standup comedy by the cast members, I will ask them a question in response as in, "Who are your favorite comedians?" No less than 5 cast members will say Dane Cook. One will ask what it means to "stand up?"

9.) To fit in with the cast of the Real World, I'll proceed to vomit repeatedly in the bathroom, do more shots that necessary, make out with every hot chick in the bar, get into a fight, talk about how I had a traumatic experience because my ATV off road didn't start one time, and then rinse and repeat.

10.) Popped Collar! Popper Collar! Popper Collar!

11.) When questioned as to whether or not my real name is in fact, "Jungo" I will hang my head in shame and proceed to say,

"No. My name is not Jungo. My name is Evan Valentine. SON OF HAROLD! SON OF WENDY! COMEDIAN ART WARRIOR! BANISHER OF DEMONS! HARBINGER OF HILARITY! WEARER OF SIZE 15 SHOES! SHAGGY FROM SCOOBY DOO GOT NOTHING ON ME!" At which point I will begin peppering out body slams to everyone in the bar, which will cause a domino effect where body slams become the main focus of every show on MTV. While this is all happening, I'll be flexing on the roof of the establishment, making my law known to the masses on National Television. Thank you Real World, for visiting the lovely and wonderful DC.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Christ, Evan's pulling a Carrot Top

I've mentioned this before in a previous installment, but 83% of my life, I've been overweight. It might have been genetic, it might have been cause I was a junkie when it came to food, who knows. All I know is that weight has always been an issue for me, like I'm sure it has for many other people. In the past five months however, I have been going to the gym almost everyday and really changed my diet and for the first time in a long time, I am seeing extremely good results. In a few more months, I plan to have a six pack going (Not even joking on this one.) Currently I'm weighing in at 228, which is right in the "average" weight range for my height of 6'6. This is insane since I have never EVER been average weight for as long as I can remember.

Its funny because a famous writer actually wrote as one of his Facebook entries "Hey Dane Cook! Great comedians don't have six packs!" Now I'm not saying Dane Cook isn't a shitty terrible comedian, but why can't comedians have six packs? Are we all just hideos fucking chuds who schlop out of our sewer hideaways to get on stage and make people laugh? I say thee nay!

To start I thought I'd tell you what I do and how I've been maintaining my current weight loss/muscle building program:

1.) Getting off my ass in the first place. Let's face it, if there's one thing I've learned in my lifetime, its that people don't give a shit about your personality, at first anyway. Being funny for me developed as a mechanism for being a fat sloppy mess, so I thought to myself, "Hey, if I could be a cut well dressed mess, I'd be the ultimate human being! A guy with a personality and pythons!" The motivation was there as summer was about to roll around so I began to hit the gym.

2.) Joining an expensive gym. Key on the "expensive" part as its a pretty big motivator in actually getting you to go there. You're kind of tricking your brain into thinking, "If I don't go, well then I'm wasting money." If you have a free gym that is right next door to your house, well then you won't really be as motivated to go there and work at it. If you know you're paying a bit of money every month, well then you're good to go. Not to mention the pricier gyms can have awesome benefits like pools, steam rooms, and divorced widows trying to get their "cougar legs"

3.) Eating right. There is shit literally everywhere, it is still fucking RIDICULOUSLY difficult to completely stay away from sugar and bad shit for you. Try walking into a gas station and finding anything that is good for you. Its nearly impossible unless you plan on drinking the gasoline because you're insane and think you're a car.....or you could be drunk. Anyway, my basic diet on the weekdays is usually a turkey sandwich for lunch, a bag of baked lays, and water/diet coke (trying to wean myself off diet coke). From time to time, I'll also throw in a frozen yogurt. For dinner, I'll have two boiled chicken breasts, water/milk, and a 60 calorie jello cup (Sugar free). Basically, you're "tricking" your body into thinking its getting shit with stuff like frozen yogurt and the jello cups, and while those two things aren't exactly the best for you, they are leaps and bounds ahead of the 99% of the crappy desserts out there.

4.) Look at all those people who have been skinny their entire lives and never really had to worry about it and use that hate to push yourself into a whirlwind of manic activity. Seriously, this works so well for me, its crazy I know, but there's nothing like seeing a skinny guy/girl next to you just running ten miles a day and not even missing a beat. It'll force you to go that one mile extra fatty!

What doesn't work (For me anyway):

1.) Most of the diets that are out there. The atkins diet doesn't work that well because if you cut out carbs 100%, you're body is going to react to them badly when you introduce them back in, same with sugar, and trust me, you'll be craving a pizza at some point.

2.) Starving yourself. When I was a teenager, I did this once or twice, when I was playing football actually to make weight. I would go so far as to wear garbage bags and run for miles (I was the running hobo!) and not even spit so I wouldn't gain water weight. It was f-ed up.

3.) Working out and not dieting or vice versa. You HAVE to do both. There's just no way around it. You need to burn calories and gain muscle mass to make it easier to lose the weight, and you need to eat better to gain the muscle mass, and on and on and on.

So go out and kick some ass. See you when I become a Spartan.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The Ultimate Drinking Game that will kill you!

Many moons ago, in a land known as Bethesda, a game was invented that was so indisidous, so horrifying, that no man or woman could hope to come out of it with a shred of dignity or decency to their name. This my friends was the drinking game invented by the devil and christened in the fires of Mount Doom milennia ago.

This game blows Three Man apart, makes Kings look like a game for fancy boys, and makes the Power 10 look like the Wealk 3.5.

Do you dare listen to the tale I weave and dare challenge such a game? If you are a man or think yourself brave enough to partake in this drinking game, then continue reading.

To begin this game, you will need a house or an apartment, somewhere where people live, ya dig? Next, you'll need electricity, its that shit that shocks people and powers things like vibrators and waffle machines. Now, find a television that produces both audio AND visual. Find a dvd player or look for this particular movie on your netflix or On Demand, whatever venue you find most appropriate. Obtain a large amount of beer (You can try to do this game with hard liquor, but more than likely, you would die.)

Now for the most important step, begin playing the movie, "Elmo in Grouchland."

Did I just hear you snicker and giggle? Oh like this is a funny game to you? Well prepare to have your soul shattered!

To play the game, begin watching the movie, open up your beer of choice, and take a drink for every time Elmo says, "Blanket." Rest assured, within 5 minutes you will have drank 13 beers and will be on the floor.

When I awoke from my Elmo induced coma, I woke up next to a cow wearing a sombrero and a 1995 Ford Taurus filled with 32,000 Canadian dollars. I was in Lithuania.

Be warned and enjoy!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Crime is doomed bitches!

Let me ask the readers of my blog a question before I delve into this topic, which I thought of on my morning commute. Did you all go and see the Dark Knight? Did you all enjoy the Dark Knight? If so, does this make you a 300 pound shut in who lives in their parents basement and has never seen a girl naked before? No you say? Well obviously you must be lying!

Feeling a little put down by that? Well welcome to the club. If you are a person who will from time to time pick up a comic book and read it, I'm sure you've had some people look at you a little differently or think "Oh, he's one of THEM."

Yes, I read comic books. Yes, I've scaled back to a huge degree to make it more of a casual thing (no more heading to the comic book store on a weekly basis, just stopping in from time to time, but to be fair this is more in response to the high prices that have taken into effect with most of the books nowadays. I mean really, 3.99 ain't flying with me.)

And I know what you're thinking: Wow, Evan is a geek!

Well in a sense, of course I am, but I don't fall into that horrifying stigma of "geek with no life living in parents basement." Everyone has their "geeky" habits. Its not like the stuff just consumes my life or anything, I just like to read a comic book from time to time. I do everything I can to defeat the "nerd stigma" that seems to go along with this. I go to the gym 5 times a week, I run/swim 2-3 miles every other day, I have a high paying job as a marketing director, I do standup comedy on an almost weekly basis if not more, I'm part of a musical effort called Champions Productions, I shower on a daily basis, I drink, I smoke, I curse, and I try to have a blast being alive in general.

Now I bet you're asking yourself well, "Why do you read comic books in the first place if they paint you in a bad light" which seems to be the trend nowadays. Well, this brings me back to my first point.

Everyone I know who saw the Dark Knight loved it and almost everyone I know saw the movie. So now tell me, what exactly is the difference between going and seeing Batman punch the Joker on a large screen and reading it in an illustrated book? Anyone? Bueller?

Reading comics is synonymous with watching a Batman movie that has been continuing for the past 70 years, with all kinds of insane crazy crap happening. Ever wanted to see Batman fight a talking gorilla? I've seen it happen, about six times. Ever wanted to see Iron Man get shit faced and accidentally blow out a guy's chest cavity? Yep, I've read that one too. How about Spiderman making a deal with the devil to get rid of his own marriage? Ok I kind of WISH I hadn't read that one but you get the gist of it.

Anyway, a guy/girl who reads comic books isn't some social outcast huddling for warmth near his computer screen on a Saturday night, rather they're just normal people who like to read stories in that medium, no different from watching Heroes on NBC or Iron Man on Blu Ray.

One thing I like to do though is talk with people about comics I'm reading and make recommendations as to comics you might not know about or keep people up to date on what the fuck is actually going on in some books.

Case in point, Who the fuck is Batman right now?

Now if you haven't been keeping up with the funny books, you might say that "Bruce Wayne is Batman, you silly twat." to which I would reply, "No, he ain't!" while wearing a tuxedo and a monocle to show how classy I am.

To fill you in, Dick Grayson aka the first Robin aka Nightwing has taken up being Batman as Bruce Wayne has been thought "dead" by the populace at large, we know better. Robin is now Bruce Wayne's illegitimate love child of him and Talia Al'Ghul, Ras Al Ghul's daughter. His name is Damien, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

The most recent issue came out with their first adventure as the new dynamic duo and it was pretty damn fantastic, check it out if you get the chance.

But Evan, you say, "I'm not really down with the whole mask and cape shit." That's cool. Here's some recommendations for books you might be interested in that have none of those characters that do super hero-ish things:

WE3, Sandman, Preacher, Transmetropolitan, Scalped, Fell, Death: The High Cost of Living, Walking Dead, Hellblazer, 100 Bullets, RASL, Bone, Loveless, Ex Machina, Rex Mundi, Cassanova, etc etc.

Reading a comic is like seeing a movie, its all based on your taste and preference, so give them a chance, you might be surprised.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Conan O'Brien has arrived

And I'm glad I was there to see him get his start.

For those not in the know, Conan O'Brien's first show as the host of the Tonight Show was last night and I thought I'd give you a brief analysis of what I thought.

To begin, I have ALWAYS dug Conan O'Brien. He has always been my favorite of the late night talk show hosts. His comedy is right up my alley and in a lot of ways reminds me of myself, except older and somehow lankier.

So when I heard that he was going to take over for Jay Leno as the host for the Tonight Show, I was thrilled. Finally, the man is getting his dues and as Will Ferrel hillariously put it last night, "NO ONE thought you would make it! NO ONE!" It was good to see that a funny skinny Irishman was able to take over the spot of Tonight Show host.

Of course, and I've stated this numerous times to a number of friends, I am not thrilled about Jay Leno's dick move of moving to an hour earlier, thus sort of negating the impact Conan would have as being THE host for NBC. It makes it more seem like "well everything's just moving an hour earlier" rather than the transition from Leno to O'Brien that it should be.

I find Jay Leno's show to be, quite frankly, humorless. I really don't laugh much at most of his material and skits because they're too "safe". They're jokes written for everybody and 9 times out of 10, those jokes blow. With Leno though, he seems to be batting a perfect 10.

So why didn't Leno just roll with the punches and bow out with dignity and respect? Because he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and a severe mental problem. That's not even me joking.

At one point in Leno's career as the Tonight Show host, he brought on a psychiatrist to the show, who Jay thought should psychoanalyze him as part of a bit. What the psychiatrist discovered was actually pretty strange and stuck with me for awhile, which is the following:

1.) If no one makes Jay Leno dinner, he will eat frozen hot dogs over a sink, every single time.

2.) If Leno is not wearing a suit, he will wear the exact same outfit every single day, blue jeans and a blue collared shirt.

3.) Leno sleeps in an oxygen tent which he believes grants him sexual powers.

......Ok that last one was a lie but still, the first two are disconcerting. NBC is putting a LOT of faith into Leno as he is taking over the weekday 10 PM slots, and I'm more than certain things won't happen the way they expect them to.

But anyway, on to my review of Conan's first night.

One of the things I was always very nervous about with Conan taking over the Tonight show was that he would be toned down to be more "accepted" by the older crowd. You know, the crowd of humorless fucks who wouldn't know a good joke if it didn't involve making a joke about a jallopy or eating dinner at 4pm in the afternoon. I knew we wouldn't be seeing anymore of this in the near future:

I'll miss that damn bear. The loss of Joel the announcer was also a little rough, but getting Andy Richter back was a nice plus.

But anyway, despite being toned back, how do I feel that Conan did on his first night as host of the Tonight Show? I think he hit it out of the fucking park.

Starting with some good monologue jokes and proceeding to show a filmed skit of Conan leading a tour bus for Universal Studios through the studio, then taking them onto the streets of Hollywood. He then accidentally destroyed the letter "D" of "Hollywood" and proceeded to get a woman pregnant merely with the power of his Ford Taurus' engine, also Fabio showed up.

Will Ferrel was a great choice as the first guest as he and Conan have great chemisty and he's hillarious in most interviews. Pearl Jam put on a great performance as well.

I think overall, you couldn't ask for a better first show and I will continue to watch and support Conan whenever I can.

P.S. Does anyone really find Jimmy Fallon funny? I mean at all?

Monday, June 1, 2009

Who is my favorite comedian of all time?

Comedy is and always will be a big part of my life, so picking out a "favorite" comedian was always hard for me to do. I would certianly have favorites for sure (Dave Attel, David Cross, Patton Oswalt, Mitch Hedberg, etc), but its only until this year that I really picked one who was my all time favorite comedian.

I was actually listening to one of his specials the other day on my new laptop and was laughing so hard I started crying, and I think I had seen the special three times to that day. I've seen him live once, and am still dying to have him film/record his newest stuff.
He actually also wrote Pootie Tang if you can believe it.
Anyway, when you get the chance, check out Louis CK's stuff, as he is my favorite comedian and is awesome.