Christ, Evan's pulling a Carrot Top

I've mentioned this before in a previous installment, but 83% of my life, I've been overweight. It might have been genetic, it might have been cause I was a junkie when it came to food, who knows. All I know is that weight has always been an issue for me, like I'm sure it has for many other people. In the past five months however, I have been going to the gym almost everyday and really changed my diet and for the first time in a long time, I am seeing extremely good results. In a few more months, I plan to have a six pack going (Not even joking on this one.) Currently I'm weighing in at 228, which is right in the "average" weight range for my height of 6'6. This is insane since I have never EVER been average weight for as long as I can remember.

Its funny because a famous writer actually wrote as one of his Facebook entries "Hey Dane Cook! Great comedians don't have six packs!" Now I'm not saying Dane Cook isn't a shitty terrible comedian, but why can't comedians have six packs? Are we all just hideos fucking chuds who schlop out of our sewer hideaways to get on stage and make people laugh? I say thee nay!

To start I thought I'd tell you what I do and how I've been maintaining my current weight loss/muscle building program:

1.) Getting off my ass in the first place. Let's face it, if there's one thing I've learned in my lifetime, its that people don't give a shit about your personality, at first anyway. Being funny for me developed as a mechanism for being a fat sloppy mess, so I thought to myself, "Hey, if I could be a cut well dressed mess, I'd be the ultimate human being! A guy with a personality and pythons!" The motivation was there as summer was about to roll around so I began to hit the gym.

2.) Joining an expensive gym. Key on the "expensive" part as its a pretty big motivator in actually getting you to go there. You're kind of tricking your brain into thinking, "If I don't go, well then I'm wasting money." If you have a free gym that is right next door to your house, well then you won't really be as motivated to go there and work at it. If you know you're paying a bit of money every month, well then you're good to go. Not to mention the pricier gyms can have awesome benefits like pools, steam rooms, and divorced widows trying to get their "cougar legs"

3.) Eating right. There is shit literally everywhere, it is still fucking RIDICULOUSLY difficult to completely stay away from sugar and bad shit for you. Try walking into a gas station and finding anything that is good for you. Its nearly impossible unless you plan on drinking the gasoline because you're insane and think you're a car.....or you could be drunk. Anyway, my basic diet on the weekdays is usually a turkey sandwich for lunch, a bag of baked lays, and water/diet coke (trying to wean myself off diet coke). From time to time, I'll also throw in a frozen yogurt. For dinner, I'll have two boiled chicken breasts, water/milk, and a 60 calorie jello cup (Sugar free). Basically, you're "tricking" your body into thinking its getting shit with stuff like frozen yogurt and the jello cups, and while those two things aren't exactly the best for you, they are leaps and bounds ahead of the 99% of the crappy desserts out there.

4.) Look at all those people who have been skinny their entire lives and never really had to worry about it and use that hate to push yourself into a whirlwind of manic activity. Seriously, this works so well for me, its crazy I know, but there's nothing like seeing a skinny guy/girl next to you just running ten miles a day and not even missing a beat. It'll force you to go that one mile extra fatty!

What doesn't work (For me anyway):

1.) Most of the diets that are out there. The atkins diet doesn't work that well because if you cut out carbs 100%, you're body is going to react to them badly when you introduce them back in, same with sugar, and trust me, you'll be craving a pizza at some point.

2.) Starving yourself. When I was a teenager, I did this once or twice, when I was playing football actually to make weight. I would go so far as to wear garbage bags and run for miles (I was the running hobo!) and not even spit so I wouldn't gain water weight. It was f-ed up.

3.) Working out and not dieting or vice versa. You HAVE to do both. There's just no way around it. You need to burn calories and gain muscle mass to make it easier to lose the weight, and you need to eat better to gain the muscle mass, and on and on and on.

So go out and kick some ass. See you when I become a Spartan.