Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Real World is coming to DC!

Yes, you heard me right. MTV's the Real World is going to start filming in Dupont Circle for their next season and there isn't a chance in hell that I'm missing out on getting in on the festivities.

So I'm going to list off a number of things that I am going to do when the filming begins to really show the members of The Real World: Washington DC that DC is a great place to party and hang out.

1.) I will show up on the first day of filming wearing a fake moustache and proceed to say that I am the fifth cast member and my name is Jungo. Whenever someone asks me a question, I will repeat, "My name is Jungo! JUNGO!" I will slap whatever they are holding in their hands at this point, if they are holding nothing, I will ask them politely to hold a plate or a glass, then smack it away from them.

2.) Once getting ejected from the house, I will proceed to sit outside of the house, smoking newports and yelling for the "assholes inside" to play the Jonas Brothers, as they are part of MTV and should do as I say, as I am a resident of Washington DC.


4.) I will be hanging out at Dupont Circle bars (The Big Hunt for example) looking out for the cast members and the camera crews. When I see the cast members and the camera crew in tow, I will wave and yell out, "Hey! Its me! JUNGO! We spoke on the phone remember???"

5.) I will buy the cast members shots and ask, "So which one is the Puck of the house?" However they reply, I will instantly laugh and say, "That's such a Puck thing to do." I will then refer to that person as Puck for the rest of the night, constantly interupting other peoples' conversations, demanding that "Puck" be allowed to contribute to the conversation.

6.) I will ask the cast members to define what "Music Television" means and instantly inform them that they are wrong! Music television is obviously a channel that should be populated with shows about pre-pubescent girls getting railed in buses and taking lie detector tests.....while getting railed in buses. I will ask the cast members if they had seen the most recent episode of "My Super Sweet 16" or "Sex.....with mom and dad." If they reply no, I'll lean over to another cast member and in a very loud voice, proceed to ask, "The fuck is wrong with this knob job?"

7.) Once everyone has gotten wasted, I will then speak to the cast members about how "The Real World" will be the only thing of significance that they will ever do or be remembered for. Even if they discover the cure for cancer, which seems doubtful as I don't think that many biologists are part of the Real World demographic, they will still always be remembered for breaking the condom in the hot tub and contracting an STD....FROM JUNGO!

8.) When asked about my standup comedy by the cast members, I will ask them a question in response as in, "Who are your favorite comedians?" No less than 5 cast members will say Dane Cook. One will ask what it means to "stand up?"

9.) To fit in with the cast of the Real World, I'll proceed to vomit repeatedly in the bathroom, do more shots that necessary, make out with every hot chick in the bar, get into a fight, talk about how I had a traumatic experience because my ATV off road didn't start one time, and then rinse and repeat.

10.) Popped Collar! Popper Collar! Popper Collar!

11.) When questioned as to whether or not my real name is in fact, "Jungo" I will hang my head in shame and proceed to say,

"No. My name is not Jungo. My name is Evan Valentine. SON OF HAROLD! SON OF WENDY! COMEDIAN ART WARRIOR! BANISHER OF DEMONS! HARBINGER OF HILARITY! WEARER OF SIZE 15 SHOES! SHAGGY FROM SCOOBY DOO GOT NOTHING ON ME!" At which point I will begin peppering out body slams to everyone in the bar, which will cause a domino effect where body slams become the main focus of every show on MTV. While this is all happening, I'll be flexing on the roof of the establishment, making my law known to the masses on National Television. Thank you Real World, for visiting the lovely and wonderful DC.

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