Friday, June 12, 2009

The Worst, Most Pathetic Job Ever

Hmmm. Now I've thought about this and come to the conclusion of what is the worst and most ridiculous/pathetic job that I could think of and it came back to one job and one job alone:

Yes, its the guys who put on the giant headed president suits and dance around/race across Nationals Stadium. What kind of pathetic unbelievable loser decides, "Hey you know what? I'm going to get paid less than minimum wage before I go to grad school and ride around on a segway, while simultaneously desecrating the memories of our founding fathers!"

Let's really take the time to examine this shall we? Its quite ghoulish when you think about it. Wearing the cartoonish visage of a dead man. Comically falling over in giant prosthetic heads while the presidents roll around in their graves because you feel the need to piss all over their memories. Now as a comedian, I make fun of people sure, its part of the job, but at least I leave them some shreds of dignity, and in doing so keep my dignity intact as well. If I were to go on stage and wear a giant plastic head of Susan B Arthur while doing a joke about her, she'd burst forth from her grave and strangle me to death. How do you think George Carlin REALLY died?

On top of this, we should examine the person who is inside one of these outfits. First off, they have no "life" to speak of. More than likely they have become shells of their former selves, the twinkle in their eye being replaced with a horror and disdain towards society that not even their best friends could begin to contemplate. Their hideous facial features, I'm guessing a mix between Forrest Gump and Dumbo with a gap in their teeth, covered by something that can finally have them accepted by society, kind of like how the village idiot was accepted by the townfolk for dropping his pants at the women folk during the monthly town meeting at the beer hall. Their emotional and mental states are walking a tight line between insanity and passive aggressive displacement.

Should these poor bastards ever have any kind of long lasting relationship, the nightmares of having been a human joke will surely catch up with them.

Imagine having sex with your loved one and while they scream out for you to say their name, instead you yell out, "Abraham Lincoln was the tallest American president!" Your loved one instantly stops, horrified, and while you, faux-Lincoln, attempt to cover your mouth, you instantly go flaccid. The only thing that will "get you off" from this point forward is recognition that your life was not a lie, and lets be serious, you wore a giant Teddy Rosevelt head and galivanted across a baseball diamond in front of tens of thousands of people, that shit ain't happening anytime soon.

Ok, you're probably saying "Whoa Evan. That seems a little rough don't you think? I mean its all in good fun. Everyone is having a laugh and the presidents aren't being disrespected THAT much." You know you're probably right. Maybe I'm being a little rough on these guys. I'm sure they're just normal folks and aren't really the horrifying stunted man children I'm making them out to be. Its not like they're REALLY disrespecting the things that these men lived and died for in their times.
Oh look, George Washington is about to receive the baton from a giant taco. I'm sure that's what Georgie had in mind when he was fighting for American freedom on the war torn country side against insurmountable odds.

Folks, how about we unite together and do something about "bad" comedy like this? How about we as a people step up and say, "You know what? This sucks balls! Can't we be entertained in a way that is thought provoking without giggling at human chuds wearing stupid costumes?"
Oh no, Roosevelt's on to me. Based on his demeanor, he's sex deprived and retard strong. This is going to be a rough one kids. Tell my family I.....!

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