Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Advertising Campaign for Taco Bell "Cheeto Burrito" Goes Horribly Wrong

January 30, 2012 - A Class Action lawsuit has been brought up against Taco Bell with regards to advertisements for their latest consumer product: The Cheeto Burrito.

Heralded as "a burrito filled to the brim with mouth-watering Cheetos and some kind of meats," Taco Bell found themselves in quite the quandary when trying to decide how they would advertise their latest creation.

"We wanted the campaign to be in your face! Extreme!" pleaded Taco Bell President, Theodore Bellaphonte (Reffered to by friends as T. Bell), "...things got out of hand."

And by "got out of hand," Mr. Bellaphonte is referring to one of many taglines which the "Cheeto Burrito" used in ads, "Hey, you fu***** fa****s, stick this burrito in your d*** su**ing hole!" for example.

The lines, as we all know, were not edited in the ads themselves.

"I was flabbergasted!" stated Teresa McDonald, mother of three. "I woke up that morning, took a shower, put on my work clothes, sent my kids off to school, and then all of sudden, a DAMN BURRITO IS TELLING ME TO S*** A D***!"

"Things got out of hand," muttered T. Bell, alone and sobbing in his office. "We just wanted to put a little pep in our step, you know?"

That 'pep in their step' has now caused scores of people, claiming millions of dollars worth of lawsuits across the globe, to come to Taco Bell's door.

Spanning nearly every race, creed, and gender, the advertisement campaign practically went out of its way to insult every person on the planet.

"Yo, put this mother f***ing burrito into your mother f***ing mouth, homies!" said an unusually white man in the ad campaign.

"I seriously was so angry that I was seeing red as I picked up my phone to call my lawyer. Who does this?" stated an Asian American consumer. "The ad that I saw just read, 'Ching Chong Ching Chong Chang Burrito. I have never been more offended in my entire life!"

"This has done more to set back race relations in the U.S. than anything Ku Klux Klan may have thought up," stated President Barack Obama in a dramatic speech Wednesday morning. "This burrito of Cheetos must be banished from our plane of existence."

The burrito itself has not responded to our questions and offers no comment about this ordeal.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Joss Whedon, JJ Abrams to Fight to the Death for Title of "King of the Virgins"

Friday, January 25, 2013 - In shocking news today, Joss Whedon has thrown down the Infinity Gauntlet and challenged Star Trek, now Star Wars, director JJ Abrams to a fight to the death for the title of "King Of the Virgins."

"I've been in the shit since day one!" Whedon proclaimed, wielding the prop shield for Marvel Character Captain America from last year's Avengers. "Buffy, Angel, Firefly, this is my house, bitch!"

"Well, believe you me, Mr. Whedon can bring his lilly white ass to my door step anytime he so pleases. You thought the Smoke Monster was scary, just wait until you see my elbow drop!!!" retorted Abrams, applying Klingon war makeup while typing up slander about Joss on an online message board.

"When JJ, which is a slap to the face to J. Jonah Jameson, publisher of the Daily Bugle for your information, said he was going to be directing Star Trek, I was all like, let a playa play. Then I heard this mother fucka was going to be directing Star Wars and I was like, HELL NO! You already directed a movie with Star in the title, that's all you get! Don't go looking to direct Star Jammers by the way, that's my wheelhouse!"

"LULZORZ," stated an internet fanboy. "I hatez both Avengers and Star Trek but can't wait to see these two virgins fight! I'm not a virgin though, I got a girlfriend in Canada."

"I don't know why we're fighting over 'King of the Virgins.' I'm married for Christ sake," Abrams stated as he pointed at his wedding ring.

"I get so much poon from Avengers... man, I can't event tell you. Being King of the Virgins is more a celebratory title. We're helping these poor, depressed people in giving them a world which they can escape into where they'll never have to have intercourse in their lives. I'd say its a win-win."

The fight itself will be fought at the mecca of nerd-dom, the San Diego Comic-Con, where by merely attending, visitors' past sexual experiences will be stricken from their minds and replaced with Battlestar Galactica episodes.

"I can't wait for the episode where Balthar surrenders earth to the Cylons to replace the time I brushed up against a girl's jacket on the subway," an enthusiastic fan stated as he sweated profusely. "It's only 35 degrees in here? CRANK THAT AC UP!"

"This is just like the time I had my My Little Ponies figures fight with each other," stated a balding man in his 40s. "Shutterfly and Tiddley Winks laid claim to my heart."

The world waits with baited breath as these two titans of nerd-dom do battle.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

What Was The Secret Behind Manti Te'o's Girlfriend?

"She was never real," says sources. "She never existed and we were all taken for a ride."

I'm not buying it. I think there's something deeper going on here. Find below some of the best theories I could come up with behind what the real deal was behind Manti's "girlfriend."

1.) Manti Te'o's Girlfriend was actually Andy Reid in disguise, in a recruiting attempt gone awry

It started innocently enough, with Andy Reid posting online under a fake name to gauge Manti's interest in being a part of the Eagles franchise.

"Just put a bunch of goofy letters together in making the name," Reid barked at his assistant in creating the fake name. "That'll work just fine."

Thus, Lennay Kekua was born. The following are some transcripts from their conversations:

Manti: I usually don't say this, but I find myself really connecting with you.
Lennay: Yeah, me too. Listen, you know a place that serves really great cheesesteaks? I keep hearing about these cheesesteaks and would really love to live near a place that sells cheesesteaks. Do you know of such a place?
Manti: Well, I mean the school's cafeteria here at Notre Dame makes them sometimes.
Manti: I guess?
Lennay: YOU GUESS? Listen son, if you want to get down to smooching, you gotta be 100%.
Manti: Oh I am, my love, I am.
Lennay: My love?....Oh Christ. Welp I'M DYING OF CANCER NOW GOTTA GO!

2.) She's a Ghost and She's always been a Ghost

Little did Manti realize that the person he had been talking to this entire time was dead and, in fact, had never been alive in the first place. She's like a bunch of spiritual energy merged into one fake girlfriend on the internet! So while Manti was talking with his lady love, she was harvesting the affection to use as ghost fuel to zip across the universe and get more unsuspecting football players to talk with her online. Be careful NFL, you could be next!

3.) Manti Te'o is in fact the ghost

Same deal, but Manti Te'o is the one who was the ghost and he was doing this to all of us. This entire time Manti wasn't even playing football, he was being a ghost! His girlfriend doesn't exist because ghosts cannot be in a relationship. After all, what ghost would want to be tied down? 

4.) The Matrix is real and it all revolves around Manti Te'o

"Manti, if you take the blue pill, you wake up back in your own little world recognizing everything to be the same, but if you take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.... also, you have to have a fake girlfriend." All this controversy happened on the internet and as we all know, everything about the internet came from the Matrix. So while we're all distracted with this girlfriend scandal, Manti is fighting agents with his sweet skills that he gained while playing football.

5.) Manti Te'o's Girlfriend was sacrificed to Mafui'e: Samoan God of Earthquakes!

Before Manti started his latest season, an ancient Samoan with doctor approached him and said the following: "Mafui'e, god of earthquakes, has awoken! He desires a sacrifice of a Samoan football player to satiate his hunger for Earthquakes! It is up to you, Manti Te'o, to save the world by sacrificing your girlfriend whom you have never met in person." Manti quickly logged onto AIM and proceeded to explain the situation to his girlfriend,

"Uhmm, are you fucking crazy? I'm not doing that shit! BUY ME A LIMO!" she yelled over AIM, which you knew was yelling because it was all in Caps Locks. Manti, with a heavy heart, gave the witch doctor her address and she was sacrificed to Mafui'e in order to save future generations. The "fake girlfriend" storyline was a cover up and Manti was sad for two minutes before realizing he was a famous football player and could play the field... just like ghosts.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Thom Yorke Caught in a Hobo Bomb Blast

Thom Yorke Caught in a Hobo Bomb Blast

January 17, 2013 - Thom Yorke, lead singer of the popular band Radiohead, was astonished yesterday to find himself in front of a ticking "Hobo Bomb." The bomb, created by the U.S. Government in the 1970's, was originally produced as an experimental method to scare away potential invading forces by turning U.S. citizens into Hobos, or Hippies as they were called at the time by the U.S. Secretary of State.

Thom Yorke post H-Bomb, pictured above.

"Well, I had just left a nearby concert and was singing Electioneering when all of a sudden, I saw a kid playing with what I thought was an alarm clock." 

Little did Thom realize that what the young boy was actually playing with was a decommissioned "H-Bomb," which had slipped through the cracks of the Pentagon, only to find its way into the hands of a small child.

"No comment," stated Government officials when asked how the decommissioned bomb found its way in front of Yorke.

"So I found myself in a very Incredible Hulk-like situation, where I threw myself in front of this young kid and took my licks. Whereas Bruce Banner became a green mountain of a man, I became... well..." Thom proceeded to emphasize his now ratty clothes and nigh impossible beard. 

"And he used to look like such a nice boy," said an aging fan. "I always thought of him as something of a churlish imp or a leprechaun. Now I just can't get past that beard. My God, what will the children say?"

"I take this one day at a time," Yorke said while stating that this will not have an effect on his music going into the future. "I'm still going to do what I do, I'll just need to keep in mind that people will think that I may be asking them for change rather than play OK Computer on my xylophone for them." 

At present, the Yorke has filed no qualms against the government, stating his new appearance actually works in the rock world.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Christian Activist Group Demand for Superman to Pick a Religion

"Come, Son of Jor-El, Kneel before God!"
-Christan Activist Group Demand for Superman to Pick a Religion already

January 16, 2013 - A Christian Activist Group today stated their fervor in demanding that Superman claim a religion that he will call his own. 

"Deplorable," said an elderly woman who is actively a member of the group. "If this man is so super, why come he doesn't worship Jesus like all good people do?"

"Look, what we're asking for is simple," said Glenn Bible (pronounced Bi-blee). "For too long Superman has flaunted his ability to fly and make his eyes red while the God-fearing community is down here on the ground, spreading the Word. Imagine how fast the Word could be spread by someone who can travel at Mach 10? Pretty damn fast, I tell you what."

"We're not asking for Superman to necessarily come out and say he is a Christian, we just want to know what side of the fence he's on. Do we treat him with open arms or do we Kryptonite his ass?" stated another member of the group. 

Superman, who has been on planet Earth for many years now, has never stated his exact religion. Many assumed he worshipped some kind of weird space snake thing as was purportedly the custom on Krypton. Others refute this idea, stating that Superman punched the weird space snake thing in the face and hurled it into the sun during one of Lex Luthor's ingenious schemes to somehow turn a profit by making a land deal of some sort. How this was supposed to happen exactly with the help of a giant weird space snake thing has yet to be seen.

When asked for comment, Superman had this to say:

"Are we on this again? YOU KNOW WHAT...

"Did you see that sick Super-Speed toss into the atmosphere???" Superman yelled as he descended to Earth to continue our interview. "As Superman, I help anyone that I can whenever I can. I don't pledge my allegiance to one religion or another as I trust the betterment of mankind to accept the fact that even though I may look like you, I am still an alien from a distant planet trying to find myself on your world."

When the point was brought up that becoming a Christian may provide a tactical advantage in fighting vampires and werewovles and shit, Superman had this to say:

"A cross is all well and good against a vampire, but I'm powered by the sun. I don't do night time. My heat vision would surely eradicate any vampires that came within my general field of vision and, worse-case scenario, I can simply turn the planet on its axis, making it day time in the exact area where I am fighting said vampire."

When addressed about the possibility of becoming Jewish to handle any type of Golem-like creatures, Superman became frustrated.

"GET OFF IT ALREADY! Cheese and crackers, I don't need this! I just came back to Earth a few minutes ago after I fought Mr. Mxyzptlk. DO YOU KNOW HOW TOUGH THAT SHIT IS? I just want to sit in my Fortress of Solitude and catch up on my DVR."

Superman then proceeded to fly away. 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Evan's Crazy Conspiracy Theories for 2013
Scientists have concluded that the world did not end as the Mayans predicted in the year 2012 (OR DID IT? No. OR NOT? What?) This leads a gaping hole in our lives as there are no longer any "Doomsday Predictions" on the horizon. What will we nervously think about now as we play Borderlands 2 and deworm our cats (both things I did on New Year's the same time)?
Well, I'm here for you. Find below Five Conspiracy Theories that you can share with your friends for this new year of Two Thousand and Thirteen (I'm saying it this way, leave me alone!):
1) The Fiscal Cliff is an Actual Cliff with a Monster Named "Fiscal" Living at the Bottom of It
I bet you were thinking to yourself, "Boy, these clowns in Congress have done it again, what a bunch of clowns!" Little did you know that they were not, in fact, determining who would get taxed and who would not. They were not thinking about debt alleviation or what funds would be deterred to what outlets. NO! Rather they were determining how many people would need to be eaten to satiate the hunger of the dark God, Fiscal. Republicans? Democrats? Incumbents? None were spared. Think me crazy? Well, ask yourself this! How many people do you know who actually live in North Dakota? Not too many, right? Well, that's because the surplus population is fed to Fiscal in order to give us the happiest of New Years. *Artist rendition of Fiscal below*

2) We All Died in 2012, like at the end of Lost. In fact, it's exactly like Lost.

Everything that happened in the TV show Lost actually happened in your life. Think about it? Deserted Island = Your Apartment. Plane Crash = Your failed relationships. Smoke Monster = Your Mom. Hurley = You. Everything's adding up, right? The TV show Lost is in fact not a TV show at all, rather it's a mirror into which you were looking at the reflection of yourself. We're all in purgatory now, wondering when we'll find the secret glowing cave that was totally not made up by the writers in a desperate final attempt to connect everything in the show at the last minute!

3) Nobody saw the Avengers.

Remember how awesome the Avengers was? Remember when the Hulk was green and Hawkeye shot stuff? Remember when Iron Man was like, "Smirk"? You're the only one who does...ever. No one else saw the movie. Everyone is just humoring you whenever you talk about it. Whenever you walk into a Target or a Best Buy, someone is always picking up a copy of the movie or talking about how many copies are being sold.
I bet you found that odd that he said the name of the movies wrong, right? Well, as soon as you turned your head, that man was executed in order to continue the ruse. The ruse, of course, being that everyone feels sorry for you for seeing that movie for kids about men in colorful costumes. It's a comic book, for God's sake! Go on a date!

4) Everytime a Bell Rings, Nothing Happens except a Bell Rings.

Bet you thought an angel got its wings, right? Don't be childish. That only happens when a muffler is replaced in a car.

(First "Angel" to appear in Google Image Search. Fuck you, I'M NOT CHANGING IT.)

5) I just did not drink coffee.

I actually did! I know, I just blew your mind. Truly the craziest conspiracy theory of them all....I couldn't think of a #5. Leave me alone.