Tuesday, January 22, 2013

What Was The Secret Behind Manti Te'o's Girlfriend?

"She was never real," says sources. "She never existed and we were all taken for a ride."

I'm not buying it. I think there's something deeper going on here. Find below some of the best theories I could come up with behind what the real deal was behind Manti's "girlfriend."

1.) Manti Te'o's Girlfriend was actually Andy Reid in disguise, in a recruiting attempt gone awry

It started innocently enough, with Andy Reid posting online under a fake name to gauge Manti's interest in being a part of the Eagles franchise.

"Just put a bunch of goofy letters together in making the name," Reid barked at his assistant in creating the fake name. "That'll work just fine."

Thus, Lennay Kekua was born. The following are some transcripts from their conversations:

Manti: I usually don't say this, but I find myself really connecting with you.
Lennay: Yeah, me too. Listen, you know a place that serves really great cheesesteaks? I keep hearing about these cheesesteaks and would really love to live near a place that sells cheesesteaks. Do you know of such a place?
Manti: Well, I mean the school's cafeteria here at Notre Dame makes them sometimes.
Manti: I guess?
Lennay: YOU GUESS? Listen son, if you want to get down to smooching, you gotta be 100%.
Manti: Oh I am, my love, I am.
Lennay: My love?....Oh Christ. Welp I'M DYING OF CANCER NOW GOTTA GO!

2.) She's a Ghost and She's always been a Ghost

Little did Manti realize that the person he had been talking to this entire time was dead and, in fact, had never been alive in the first place. She's like a bunch of spiritual energy merged into one fake girlfriend on the internet! So while Manti was talking with his lady love, she was harvesting the affection to use as ghost fuel to zip across the universe and get more unsuspecting football players to talk with her online. Be careful NFL, you could be next!

3.) Manti Te'o is in fact the ghost

Same deal, but Manti Te'o is the one who was the ghost and he was doing this to all of us. This entire time Manti wasn't even playing football, he was being a ghost! His girlfriend doesn't exist because ghosts cannot be in a relationship. After all, what ghost would want to be tied down? 

4.) The Matrix is real and it all revolves around Manti Te'o

"Manti, if you take the blue pill, you wake up back in your own little world recognizing everything to be the same, but if you take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.... also, you have to have a fake girlfriend." All this controversy happened on the internet and as we all know, everything about the internet came from the Matrix. So while we're all distracted with this girlfriend scandal, Manti is fighting agents with his sweet skills that he gained while playing football.

5.) Manti Te'o's Girlfriend was sacrificed to Mafui'e: Samoan God of Earthquakes!

Before Manti started his latest season, an ancient Samoan with doctor approached him and said the following: "Mafui'e, god of earthquakes, has awoken! He desires a sacrifice of a Samoan football player to satiate his hunger for Earthquakes! It is up to you, Manti Te'o, to save the world by sacrificing your girlfriend whom you have never met in person." Manti quickly logged onto AIM and proceeded to explain the situation to his girlfriend,

"Uhmm, are you fucking crazy? I'm not doing that shit! BUY ME A LIMO!" she yelled over AIM, which you knew was yelling because it was all in Caps Locks. Manti, with a heavy heart, gave the witch doctor her address and she was sacrificed to Mafui'e in order to save future generations. The "fake girlfriend" storyline was a cover up and Manti was sad for two minutes before realizing he was a famous football player and could play the field... just like ghosts.

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