Monday, June 7, 2010

Pittsburg Pirates vs Chicago Cubs: THUNDERDOME

Hearing about this game originally and watching it, it dawned on me how horribly depressing the scenario was, so I wrote this, I don't know why

“Hello, I’m Jeremy Buzzworthy and this is my partner in crime, Reggie Happenstance, welcome to a beautiful bright day here in Pittsburgh as the Pirates take on the Chicago Cubs. This is a great day for baseball isn’t it Reggie?”

“It sure is Jeremy, we have a record number of people in the stands today I hear?”

“We sure do Reggie, we have one and a half attendees today!”

“One and a half Jeremy?”

“Yes because we have two of Pittsburg’s favorites attending the game today in Crazy Mortimer and his dog, Smelly Old Scraps.”

“Now familiarize me about these two attendees if you please and for that one person listening to the game on a ham radio in Eastern Europe.”

“Well now, Crazy Mortimer has lived in Pittsburg all of his life and has attended the game today because in his drug ladled mind he believes that the game is actually a future war that has been started in his name. He also believes that this war is taking place in 1988. How a future war can take place in the past is anybody’s guess, except for Crazy Mortimer who knows how the cards are going to fall. Direct Quote Reg.”

“Fascinating. And I suppose that Smelly Old Scraps is his dog?”

“You suppose wrong. Smelly Old Scraps is a junkyard dog who has been homeless for the better part of his entire life and follows Crazy Mortimer around so that he can eat his dried up toenails which give Scraps the nutrients he needs to survive his world wary life.”

“Mortimer doesn’t seem to mind this dog chewing on his toes.”

“He certainly doesn’t. In his mind, Scraps is the Queen of England in the future war, begging for the war to stop, and Mortimer refuses.”

“He’s quite cold hearted in this insane scenario isn’t he?”

“He sure is. Now if you hear that sound of an abandoned baby crying, that means its time for the teams to take the field. As you can see the Pirates are wearing new uniforms that was donated to them by Frank’s Junkyard. If its trash, stick it in Frank’s heap!”

“Well that makes sense, as those uniforms can be considered “clothing” only in the fact that its attached to each of the players’ skin. The pitcher is apparently wearing a number of toilet seats that seem to be stitched together using barbed wire.”

“He sure doesn’t seem happy about that.”

“He will be when he gets his paycheck at the end of this game. As you may well know, every member of the Pittsburg Pirates gets paid thirteen dollars for every game they don’t pass out drunk during or hit a pregnant woman in the face.”

“And how many players have received pay checks this season?”

“That would be zero, but if you look into each of their eyes, you can tell that hunger is starting to set in so they we’ll have to see what wins out at the end of the day. Will it be their need for food and shelter or their need to get shit faced and punch pregnant women.”

“Only time will tell. Now here come the Cubs onto the field. The Cubs new owner has encouraged the Cubs to wear their new uniforms, which appear to be 300 pound bear suits. The owner believes these new uniforms will encourage ticket sales in the near future.”

“Quite possibly, although you have to wonder if the cost of losing six players in the first six games due to death by heat exhaustion could factor into his finances.”

“Oh well as part of signing up to be a member of the Cubs, each player has donated their body to science which nets the team around $300 per death, easily paying off the bear costumes.”

“I see. Well it looks like the Cubs are first at bat and the hitter is fumbling around, trying to see through the smile eyeholes that are punched into his makeshift bear costume.”

“The catcher appears to be signaling for the pitcher to throw a fastball…Nope, he’s just moving his fingers around so that the ants swarming out of the dirty diapers he’s wearing fall out onto the ground.”

“I see. The pitcher is winding up with the ball. Now the ball isn’t a standard issue baseball is it?”

“No sir, it appear to be made out of old chewing gum, hair, and thumb tacks.”

“Don’t quite know how this pitch is going to happen then considering the ball keeps sticking to the pitcher’s hand. Well lets see how this….uh oh.”

“What’s happening?”

“A five dollar bill must have been dropped by someone walking past the stadium and is slowly riding the wind into the stadium, when these baseball players see this, madness and chaos will ensue the likes of which have never been seen!”

“The cub at bat has already gotten sight of it and is now swinging his bat at anyone who is anywhere near the vicinity of the five dollar bill. The bat appears to be made of… looks like ham. A ham bat.”

“That’s correct.”

“Well I gotta ask you buddy, why wouldn’t he just sell the ham bat to a meat market or eat it himself.”

“Mostly because the ham, in order to be used as bat, is decades old and has petrified into a wood like substance which can easily crush a ball.”

“But surely the maintenance of said ham MUST have been more expensive than simply…”

“Sorry Reggie, but the field has now exploded with activity as the players are attempting to scramble to get that five dollar bill.”

“So much chaos and destruction for such a measly amount of money.”

“Measly to us maybe, but that money will allow those ball players to eat for maybe six years if they play it right.”

“The pitcher just laid out a pregnant woman who wandered onto the field, he’ll never see that paycheck for this game now!”

“The coaches are trying to stop this insanity to no avail. OOP There goes an arm.”

“And Crazy Mortimer is LOVING this. He appears to be banging two pots together in jubilant celebration, paying no mind to Smelly Old Scraps who is still gnawing away at those toe nails.”


*We are experiencing technical difficulties, we will try to return as soon as possible to the Pittsburg Pirates vs the Chicago Cubs: Thunderdome.*