Thursday, April 30, 2009

There are no cats in America


This is a lie.
My family came to this country to make shoes and eat cheese. We were promised a better life.

We were betrayed.

My family was in the middle of a jaunty ballad about the importance of flossing when the death squads descended upon us.

Wave after wave of cats dressed up like classy rats began evicserating the general populace.

My best friend Tiger was there.

He was violently raped to death. Violently.

I'm the last mouse alive. I plan to move west and see if I can find inner peace.

I know that in the end we're all going to die, but so help me God, the cats will go first.

My name is Fievel. Join my resistance. And if you see those cats, tell them I'm coming and hell's coming with me.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Greatest Movie Monologue in the History of Forever

"Cooking for all you fine people has really helped me to forget that I was in the Vietnam war. Have a great winter, I'm gonna go hump the fridge!"

"Yes folks its true. I said I'm gonna go hump the fridge. What you also might not know is that......I own a bottle of dick cream, I like to fondle my sweaters and I often like to smear mud on my ass. Right now I bet you're saying to yourself, 'Isn't he a weirdo? An outcast? Loose cannon?' Maybe I don't think so."

"I' d like to introduce you to someone. This is my friend.....I don't know who he is but I do know this! At a time when I was trying to hide myself from myself, he was there to show me....a new way. That I could be proud of who I am! I put it to you, Camp Firewood on our last day together to be proud of who you are!

Look at me Ma, I made it! I'm OK!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some unfinished business to attend to."

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The embarassing story of my Wisdom Teeth

I thought I would share the horribly embarassing story of getting my wisdom teeth taken out. Why is it embarassing you may ask? Well for several reasons.

The story began early during my college career and had discovered that my wisdom teeth were being a gang of unruly assholes and messing up the rest of my teeth, so out they had to go. An appointment was scheduled and I was brought to the orthodontist to have them taken out.

I was sat down in a chair and was told that I would be getting a shot that would knock me out completely during the procedure, and thank Christ for that as even if I couldn't feel any pain, it would still be the most horrible thing in the world to have to be awake to people ripping out chunks of your head while hitting on the hot nurses.

Anyway, I was given the shot and was told to count backward from 100 which I then began to do. I was then informed that I would start to itch violently before I passed out as I continued counting. Of course they didn't exactly tell me where. Now I don't know if this is common, but the only place that itched on my body happened to be my crotch. And I'm talking VERY itchy, apparently the shot also gave me crabs and didn't even buy dinner first.

So the last thing I remember before passing out into unconciousness was violently scratching my crotch over my jeans with three nurses standing around me. Really, I couldn't get any more suave.

So the procedure went well and I woke up a few hours later with the doctor and my parents near me. He said that while the operation was successful, something odd had happened during the procedure. While the doctor and nurses' backs were turned to me, I apparently stood up from my chair, with all the equipment and gauze in my mouth, and proceeded to try and leave the office.

Now I can't imagine what I had looked like but I think it was akin to something like this:

The moral of the story? Your wisdom teeth are the real cause of Night of the Living Dead. Case closed.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Surely, this is the end

The Swine Flu.

Good Lord this is it. I hope you have made your peace with God because this is truly the end of days. As the news outlets have been telling us, there is no stopping this apocalyptic new strain of virus that causes human beings to go into rage like outbursts due to its symptoms which include fever, lethargy, lack of appetite and coughing! JESUS CHRIST! Remember how much of the population was killed by the Avian Flu? 99% of the population, that's how much!

Since 1976, 20 people have been consumed by this nightmare! That's almost one per year! At that staggering rate, the world will surely be swallowed whole by disease.

Now let me ask you a serious question, in your everyday life, how many times do you encounter free roaming pigs on the streets or near your home? If you answered less than 60, you are a LIAR!

My advice for you is to never go outside ever again, board your windows, buy plenty of shotgun shells, and proceed to shoot anyone who comes near your established place of residence. No one can be trusted when it comes to the pig virus! Oh dear Lord, its evolving!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

American Pie Guy WHY?

About a week ago, I did a standup show at the Arlington Cinema Drafthouse where I did a couple new jokes that went over really well. I love the Drafthouse, its a great atmosphere and its always a fun time. I also like chatting it up with the bartender there as she cracks me up.

I was talking with her and she had forgotten who I was for the third time, hillarious, and said "What was your name again?"
"Evan" At which point I shook her hand. Now when I shake a woman's hand, I keep in mind that I'm a 6'6 monster man and feel that I need to do it as lightly as possible so as I don't cripple them.
"Dude. You call that a handshake? I will never sleep with a guy who doesn't have a good handshake." She replied.

Well, that was good, I thought considering I'm not trying to sleep with you. Lord knows if I had broken every bone in her hand I might have gotten anal, literally, ba ding TSSSS.

Anyway, back to the main story, so after the Drafthouse I did the Hot Broth Comedy Open Mic run by my friends, Jake and Tyler, fellow comedians in the area for those who don't know, at the Ballston Comedy spot. I had gotten there a little late but Jake was able to give me some time as he kicks ass.

I roll up onto the stage and notice that the people in the front row all look like they had been ripped from an Abercrombie and Fitch ad. I had been trying to work more crowd interaction stuff into my act so I proceeded to say the following:

"Wow. I really like these guys up in the front row. Why are you guys in town? You filming the next American Pie movie? American Pie 6: Barack the Party. 'We've got to tell the president that condoms are for LOSERS! Now get into the party van."

It got some laughs, except from one. Except from Stifler. Imagine this reaction, but with a thumbs down.

So, and his real name escapes me, Stifler turns out to be there to actually do standup as it is an open mic and anyone can get up on stage. His gang of "street tuffs" with lacrosse sticks ready to be swung into action all sat in the front row, and were the American Pie gang I had mentioned. Stifler proceeds to get on stage immediately after I do my set and "retaliate".
"Man...whatever....who the fuck keeps their shirt tucked in after 9 o'clock? What are you, the f-ing Brawny Man? You think I look like I'm from American Pie? Like Stifler? Whatever man. You're lucky you were so funny otherwise I would have tripped you while you were walking off the stage."

He then proceeded to read from the Fox News website, telling everyone how tea bagging was in fact NOT gay but rather a humiliation technique. Good one.

Let's examine this for a minute in that the American Pie crack legitimately seemed to disturb him, or perhaps it was more that I had called him out in front of his "brosefs". Me personally, I would take being told that I looked like Stifler was a compliment. I mean you've seen those American Pie movies, he's hillarious. He's like the comical epitome of hardcore frat guys, without the date rape.

Second, his response needed more chops as the Brawny man, as Jake put it, is the "epitome of handsomeness in Western Civilization." Its not an insult to call someone the Brawny Man unless you take offense to being a lumberjack or something, which I guess if you were an environmentalist would be the case. Like if I had instantly barged onto stage and yelled out, "You take that back! You take that back right now! I love Mother Nature and all that she bestows you crumb bum!"

I like saying Crumb Bum. Regardless, I appreciated the story for future use and wish Stifler the best of luck in his future endeavors of working at his dad's car dealership and longing for the days of lacrosse glory. I'll be over here, wrestling a bear.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I'm an oblivious idiot, but I'm working on it

When I was a young Evan, growing up in the middle of McLean VA, aka rich land for white people, I was husky. Ok, let me rephrase that, I was fat. Ok let me rephrase that again, I was a downright slovenly sluggish child with a bowl haircut.

Anyway, while growing up, I was happy drinking my slurpees and eating McDonald's everyday and fearing the sun as it would burn my Irish inherited skin. So when time came around for high school, I wasn't exactly the best looking kid around. Which will start me into my stories of me being completely oblivious and thus, being an idiot.

When I was a freshman and early on as a sophomore, I did crew. Crew was a fucking meat grinder. In the same way that Fight Club carved you into a block of wood from playdoh, so too did Crew. So Sophomore year I had actually lost almost all of my baby fat and was starting to get attention. Of course, I was completely oblivious to the fact of this, case in point:

One fine, I want to say Saturday, I was home alone and milling around the house when a knock came on the door. I opened it up and a really attractive girl was standing there with a notepad. I will always have this situation burned into my head due to my retardedness. So the girl begins asking me about her efforts to save the planet, and I kind of shake my head a few times, at which point she says something to the effect of,

"You know we have meetings every week at the community center. Or if you can't make those, me and you can just go out sometime and get some coffee or something?"
".....Oh I'm sorry, my parents should probably be the ones signing this. See you later!"

*Door slams* Minutes later, I kind of "woke up" and was just scratching my head over the fact that I had slammed the door on this girl, who was obviously interested, due to my, I'll call them, "Phantom man tits" or still reeling from being extremely overweight but not anymore at the time.

So in high school, I had a few girlfriends but really they had all approached me cause I couldn't get this "syndrome" out of my head. Through that time, I gained the weight back and college rolled around. Thus began the craziest f-ing story ever as to how I lost the weight again for the, hopefully, final time.

A hypnotist had been brought in as a funny past time at the "welcome the freshmen" ceremony. Having never been to a hypnotist, I thought it would be funny if I volunteered. Guess what? I was, for lack of a better term, hypnotized like shit! I was doing some rather ridiculous things like dancing on stage and drawing pictures, crap like that. Then the hypnotist had the awesome idea of having me comically hit on someone in the crowd. I was brought over to a girl who was sitting in the audience and before I even said anything, she proceeded to say to her friend,

"Ewwww. Look at this fat kid they're going to get to hit on me! Why couldn't I get ANY of the other ones?"

Keep in mind, she said it fairly loud and, despite being hypnotized, could still hear very well. Imagine being a 6'6 college awkward freshman and in the first week you hear THAT. Realizing there was a gym within walking distance, I started going every single day. You know the freshman 15? Well multiply that by 3 and reverse it and that was my situation.

Over time, I started doing comedy and I've met a LOT of women but from time to time, I'll still revert to my "phantom bitch tits":

"Wow, that was a really great act, my place is right around the corner, let's go there."
"The time? Oh its quarter past 11. Welp, See you later!"

But I'm working on it.

Me at Age 12.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The most terrifying animal of all time

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Goblin Shark.

Yes the Goblin Shark. I was innocently watching television yesterday, recovering from a nice long weekend, when I noticed a show that was called "Quest for the Goblin Shark". After looking at a picture of this horrifying creature, I thought for sure that they were surely questing for the Goblin Shark to have it killed before it wrecked havoc on mankind. I was wrong. They were merely observing it. The crew was later found all dead in their submarine, with the words, "Goblin Shark 4 Life" painted on the walls.

I guess it will always be a mystery as to what exactly happened to the crew.

Little known facts I learned about the Goblin Shark from this documentary:

1.) The Goblin Shark has the ability to kill you merely by knowing that you exist seven days after the fact.

2.) The Goblin Shark was the basis for the character "Freddy Krueger" as it can also stalk small children in their dreams and kill them.

3.) The Goblin Shark can only be killed with silver bullets launched out of an octopus.

4.) The Goblin Shark is known as the Goblin Shark, not because of its resemblance to a horrific goblin, rather because it has evolved to the point where it has "secret arms" that allow it to stumble onto land and club unsuspecting passer bys with its bone club, dragging them screaming back into the ocean depths.

5.) The Goblin Shark lives on a steady diet of shrimp, carp, and evil deeds.

6.) The Goblin Shark's bellow sounds surprisingly close to, "I'll swallow your soul!"

Pleasant Dreams.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The greatest movie in the history of mankind

What movie am I speaking of you may be wondering? Well I'm about to tell you.

This is a movie where a man is injected with a "Chinese synthetic adrenaline blocker" that makes him flip the fuck out in his apartment, storm out of the building, drive a thousand miles an hour to his nearest African American Hell's Angels chapter, do an entire bag of coke off the bathroom floor, and proceed to fight everyone in the bar before getting into his car and leading the cops on a chase through a mall where his car lands sideways going up an escalator.

This is the FIRST FIVE MINUTES OF THE FILM! Do you understand what am I telling you? Did you hear what I just said? THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES!

I am of course speaking of Crank.

This is a picture of Statham's character, Chev Chelios, standing on top of a motorcycle he stole from a cop in a hospital gown that he stole from a hospital after electrocuting himself with medical paddles and pumping himself with an entire bottle of synthetic adrenaline AFTER he had snorted sixteen bottles of nasal spray up his nose.

Its pure insanity. Its pure unadultered insanity that never stops kicking your ass with its boot. Right when your teeth are on the ground, it proceeds to start slapping you and calling you "Weak skinny boy!" over and over again. Before watching this film, I THOUGHT I knew what being a man was, but Jason Statham has shown me the light through the act of banging his girlfriend in front of thousands of Japanese tourists (in the movie, if he did this in real life, reality would cease to exist and all would slowly implode into Jason Statham).

Everything you think this guy would need to do to keep his adrenaline up to survive, he does and he does it a thousand times more vicious than anyone ever would. Chev Chelios shows you how utterly pathetic you are for not running out in the middle of the movie and fighting every man, woman, and child you see, while simultaneously drinking Red Bull and shooting heroin into your eyeball.

So why am I mentioning this now? Because the sequel to Crank, entitled "Crank: High Voltage", comes out tomorrow and I need to spread the word on everyone everywhere seeing this movie. I foolishly missed the first movie in theaters but will NOT make the same mistake twice. To show you how badass this movie will be:

But I bet some of you are saying, "Well I have kids so I can't take them to see this." Well FUCK YOU! You NEED to take your children to see this movie as it will instantly turn them into adults who will kill you, take your wallet, drive away with your car, and become president.

Look at that man standing behind Chev Chelios, the shame in his eyes is apparent in that he cannot hook up a car battery to his tongue and nipples the way that Jason Statham can. The absolute shame of this has completely destroyed any choices or decisions this man will ever make, constantly haunted by his inability to be awesome through car battery electrocution.

Also in the movie, Statham begins dry humping an elderly woman to keep his heart going and she LOVES IT! AAAA CRANK AAAAA! Its like opening the arc of the covenant but only my weakness can see it.

UPDATE: Crank 2 has been reviewed as Crank 1 times eleven. I cannot even begin to comprehend such a thing but I imagine God's voice blares into the movie theater and has the following conversation with you:

"My son, YOU. MUST. FIGHT."
"But who? Where? When?"

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

My Father is a Cartoon

I have known all my life. Every single day I have suspected that my father had a second life of which he had never informed me. Above you'll see a picture of my father on Valentine's Day with my mother. But who is this man? Who is he really? The answer:

Yes, my father is the spitting image of Fred Flintstone, and seeing as how I have never seen the two in the same place at the same time, I can rightly assume that he is in fact this caveman in his second life.

There has been numerous times throughout my life where I KNEW something fishy was going on, when we would be driving in the family mini van and he would slam his feet through the floor of the car, cursing that he didn't understand why he couldn't just make the car go fast with the skin of his feet like every other Bedrockian, to which he quickly corrected himself saying "Amurican" obviously misprouncing "American".

On numerous occassions he would refer to me as "his little Pebbles" and would fly off the handle when the toaster would refuse to say, "Eh, its a living."

The most glaring offense was when he comically struck himself over the head with a bowling ball. Quickly rushing to his aid, I inquired as to whether or not he needed me to call an ambulance, to which he replied that "I just need to walk it off with a Bronto Burger." I exclaimed that I had no idea what that was, which caused him to lash out by yelling "Barney!" at me.

Will he ever reveal the truth I wonder?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Somalian Pirates Why?

Quite a terrifying scene eh? Everywhere we look, pirates are slowly influencing every aspect of our everyday life. Just the other day I was on the metro and bore witness to a child no older than ten telling an older gentlemen to "walk a plank" as he slashed at him with a makeshift hook, luckily the eye patch he was wearing made it impossible for him to hit his intended target with any kind of precision, so the old man was safe.

This constant need for "dubloons" and "booty" has made it apparent to me that this pirate phase isn't going to go away anytime soon. The spread of violence is certainly something for the United States to enter into the highest Defcon level for as more and more pirates are beginning to emerge with their guns made of chicken wire and their boats which were whittled from larger boats.

But why? Why are pirates becoming such a bane to society?

I personally blame Keira Knightely.

Thats right, as we witnessed in the true life documentary, "Pirates of the Carribbean: At World's End." Keira Knightely was able to use her sex appeal, and ability to instantly become a pirate despite her hatred for them, to become the queen of the pirates, in part with the help of Johnny Depp and the grizzled corpse of Mick Jagger.

The only way, as was shown in the movie, to win the heart of Ms. Elizabeth Swan, a moniker that Keira Knightely decided to use during the filming of this documentary as she wanted to "have a last name that is also a bird for once!", was to rape, pillage, and comically stumble on a gigantic wheel in the middle of a sword fight.

It is apparent that these "pirates" we are seeing emerge had a copy of one of the "PoC" movies crammed into a makeshift VCR, and using a battery made from old potatoes and a 1976 projector, was watched constantly by these poor misguided fools.

Thinking that they had a chance with the elusive "Swan", the poor villagers of Somalia overtook a US ship near their coast and began taking hostages. Unfortunately, the hostages couldn't see the Somalian "pirates" winking with blindfolds strapped tight around their heads. The Somalian pirates then began fighting the US Navy, thinking themselves to be skeleton men in the same vein as Geoffery Rush. The last words of the leader of the pirates was "Like in the movie! Like in the movie!"

For shame, how many more souls must be lost before Keira Knightely is made illegal?

So its come to this....

I've written a lot in the past but felt it was time to start putting my funny ideas and thoughts into a more structured, routine kind of thing. So come back from time to time to see what I come up with as I report on this insane thing we call life.