The Greatest Movie Monologue in the History of Forever

"Cooking for all you fine people has really helped me to forget that I was in the Vietnam war. Have a great winter, I'm gonna go hump the fridge!"
"What?"

"Yes folks its true. I said I'm gonna go hump the fridge. What you also might not know is that......I own a bottle of dick cream, I like to fondle my sweaters and I often like to smear mud on my ass. Right now I bet you're saying to yourself, 'Isn't he a weirdo? An outcast? Loose cannon?' Maybe I don't think so."

"I' d like to introduce you to someone. This is my friend.....I don't know who he is but I do know this! At a time when I was trying to hide myself from myself, he was there to show me....a new way. That I could be proud of who I am! I put it to you, Camp Firewood on our last day together to be proud of who you are!

Look at me Ma, I made it! I'm OK!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some unfinished business to attend to."