Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Somalian Pirates Why?

Quite a terrifying scene eh? Everywhere we look, pirates are slowly influencing every aspect of our everyday life. Just the other day I was on the metro and bore witness to a child no older than ten telling an older gentlemen to "walk a plank" as he slashed at him with a makeshift hook, luckily the eye patch he was wearing made it impossible for him to hit his intended target with any kind of precision, so the old man was safe.

This constant need for "dubloons" and "booty" has made it apparent to me that this pirate phase isn't going to go away anytime soon. The spread of violence is certainly something for the United States to enter into the highest Defcon level for as more and more pirates are beginning to emerge with their guns made of chicken wire and their boats which were whittled from larger boats.

But why? Why are pirates becoming such a bane to society?

I personally blame Keira Knightely.

Thats right, as we witnessed in the true life documentary, "Pirates of the Carribbean: At World's End." Keira Knightely was able to use her sex appeal, and ability to instantly become a pirate despite her hatred for them, to become the queen of the pirates, in part with the help of Johnny Depp and the grizzled corpse of Mick Jagger.

The only way, as was shown in the movie, to win the heart of Ms. Elizabeth Swan, a moniker that Keira Knightely decided to use during the filming of this documentary as she wanted to "have a last name that is also a bird for once!", was to rape, pillage, and comically stumble on a gigantic wheel in the middle of a sword fight.

It is apparent that these "pirates" we are seeing emerge had a copy of one of the "PoC" movies crammed into a makeshift VCR, and using a battery made from old potatoes and a 1976 projector, was watched constantly by these poor misguided fools.

Thinking that they had a chance with the elusive "Swan", the poor villagers of Somalia overtook a US ship near their coast and began taking hostages. Unfortunately, the hostages couldn't see the Somalian "pirates" winking with blindfolds strapped tight around their heads. The Somalian pirates then began fighting the US Navy, thinking themselves to be skeleton men in the same vein as Geoffery Rush. The last words of the leader of the pirates was "Like in the movie! Like in the movie!"

For shame, how many more souls must be lost before Keira Knightely is made illegal?

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