Wednesday, April 22, 2009

American Pie Guy WHY?

About a week ago, I did a standup show at the Arlington Cinema Drafthouse where I did a couple new jokes that went over really well. I love the Drafthouse, its a great atmosphere and its always a fun time. I also like chatting it up with the bartender there as she cracks me up.

I was talking with her and she had forgotten who I was for the third time, hillarious, and said "What was your name again?"
"Evan" At which point I shook her hand. Now when I shake a woman's hand, I keep in mind that I'm a 6'6 monster man and feel that I need to do it as lightly as possible so as I don't cripple them.
"Dude. You call that a handshake? I will never sleep with a guy who doesn't have a good handshake." She replied.

Well, that was good, I thought considering I'm not trying to sleep with you. Lord knows if I had broken every bone in her hand I might have gotten anal, literally, ba ding TSSSS.

Anyway, back to the main story, so after the Drafthouse I did the Hot Broth Comedy Open Mic run by my friends, Jake and Tyler, fellow comedians in the area for those who don't know, at the Ballston Comedy spot. I had gotten there a little late but Jake was able to give me some time as he kicks ass.

I roll up onto the stage and notice that the people in the front row all look like they had been ripped from an Abercrombie and Fitch ad. I had been trying to work more crowd interaction stuff into my act so I proceeded to say the following:

"Wow. I really like these guys up in the front row. Why are you guys in town? You filming the next American Pie movie? American Pie 6: Barack the Party. 'We've got to tell the president that condoms are for LOSERS! Now get into the party van."

It got some laughs, except from one. Except from Stifler. Imagine this reaction, but with a thumbs down.

So, and his real name escapes me, Stifler turns out to be there to actually do standup as it is an open mic and anyone can get up on stage. His gang of "street tuffs" with lacrosse sticks ready to be swung into action all sat in the front row, and were the American Pie gang I had mentioned. Stifler proceeds to get on stage immediately after I do my set and "retaliate".
"Man...whatever....who the fuck keeps their shirt tucked in after 9 o'clock? What are you, the f-ing Brawny Man? You think I look like I'm from American Pie? Like Stifler? Whatever man. You're lucky you were so funny otherwise I would have tripped you while you were walking off the stage."

He then proceeded to read from the Fox News website, telling everyone how tea bagging was in fact NOT gay but rather a humiliation technique. Good one.

Let's examine this for a minute in that the American Pie crack legitimately seemed to disturb him, or perhaps it was more that I had called him out in front of his "brosefs". Me personally, I would take being told that I looked like Stifler was a compliment. I mean you've seen those American Pie movies, he's hillarious. He's like the comical epitome of hardcore frat guys, without the date rape.

Second, his response needed more chops as the Brawny man, as Jake put it, is the "epitome of handsomeness in Western Civilization." Its not an insult to call someone the Brawny Man unless you take offense to being a lumberjack or something, which I guess if you were an environmentalist would be the case. Like if I had instantly barged onto stage and yelled out, "You take that back! You take that back right now! I love Mother Nature and all that she bestows you crumb bum!"

I like saying Crumb Bum. Regardless, I appreciated the story for future use and wish Stifler the best of luck in his future endeavors of working at his dad's car dealership and longing for the days of lacrosse glory. I'll be over here, wrestling a bear.

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