Thursday, April 16, 2009

The greatest movie in the history of mankind

What movie am I speaking of you may be wondering? Well I'm about to tell you.

This is a movie where a man is injected with a "Chinese synthetic adrenaline blocker" that makes him flip the fuck out in his apartment, storm out of the building, drive a thousand miles an hour to his nearest African American Hell's Angels chapter, do an entire bag of coke off the bathroom floor, and proceed to fight everyone in the bar before getting into his car and leading the cops on a chase through a mall where his car lands sideways going up an escalator.

This is the FIRST FIVE MINUTES OF THE FILM! Do you understand what am I telling you? Did you hear what I just said? THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES!

I am of course speaking of Crank.

This is a picture of Statham's character, Chev Chelios, standing on top of a motorcycle he stole from a cop in a hospital gown that he stole from a hospital after electrocuting himself with medical paddles and pumping himself with an entire bottle of synthetic adrenaline AFTER he had snorted sixteen bottles of nasal spray up his nose.

Its pure insanity. Its pure unadultered insanity that never stops kicking your ass with its boot. Right when your teeth are on the ground, it proceeds to start slapping you and calling you "Weak skinny boy!" over and over again. Before watching this film, I THOUGHT I knew what being a man was, but Jason Statham has shown me the light through the act of banging his girlfriend in front of thousands of Japanese tourists (in the movie, if he did this in real life, reality would cease to exist and all would slowly implode into Jason Statham).

Everything you think this guy would need to do to keep his adrenaline up to survive, he does and he does it a thousand times more vicious than anyone ever would. Chev Chelios shows you how utterly pathetic you are for not running out in the middle of the movie and fighting every man, woman, and child you see, while simultaneously drinking Red Bull and shooting heroin into your eyeball.

So why am I mentioning this now? Because the sequel to Crank, entitled "Crank: High Voltage", comes out tomorrow and I need to spread the word on everyone everywhere seeing this movie. I foolishly missed the first movie in theaters but will NOT make the same mistake twice. To show you how badass this movie will be:

But I bet some of you are saying, "Well I have kids so I can't take them to see this." Well FUCK YOU! You NEED to take your children to see this movie as it will instantly turn them into adults who will kill you, take your wallet, drive away with your car, and become president.

Look at that man standing behind Chev Chelios, the shame in his eyes is apparent in that he cannot hook up a car battery to his tongue and nipples the way that Jason Statham can. The absolute shame of this has completely destroyed any choices or decisions this man will ever make, constantly haunted by his inability to be awesome through car battery electrocution.

Also in the movie, Statham begins dry humping an elderly woman to keep his heart going and she LOVES IT! AAAA CRANK AAAAA! Its like opening the arc of the covenant but only my weakness can see it.

UPDATE: Crank 2 has been reviewed as Crank 1 times eleven. I cannot even begin to comprehend such a thing but I imagine God's voice blares into the movie theater and has the following conversation with you:

"My son, YOU. MUST. FIGHT."
"But who? Where? When?"

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