Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I'm an oblivious idiot, but I'm working on it

When I was a young Evan, growing up in the middle of McLean VA, aka rich land for white people, I was husky. Ok, let me rephrase that, I was fat. Ok let me rephrase that again, I was a downright slovenly sluggish child with a bowl haircut.

Anyway, while growing up, I was happy drinking my slurpees and eating McDonald's everyday and fearing the sun as it would burn my Irish inherited skin. So when time came around for high school, I wasn't exactly the best looking kid around. Which will start me into my stories of me being completely oblivious and thus, being an idiot.

When I was a freshman and early on as a sophomore, I did crew. Crew was a fucking meat grinder. In the same way that Fight Club carved you into a block of wood from playdoh, so too did Crew. So Sophomore year I had actually lost almost all of my baby fat and was starting to get attention. Of course, I was completely oblivious to the fact of this, case in point:

One fine, I want to say Saturday, I was home alone and milling around the house when a knock came on the door. I opened it up and a really attractive girl was standing there with a notepad. I will always have this situation burned into my head due to my retardedness. So the girl begins asking me about her efforts to save the planet, and I kind of shake my head a few times, at which point she says something to the effect of,

"You know we have meetings every week at the community center. Or if you can't make those, me and you can just go out sometime and get some coffee or something?"
".....Oh I'm sorry, my parents should probably be the ones signing this. See you later!"

*Door slams* Minutes later, I kind of "woke up" and was just scratching my head over the fact that I had slammed the door on this girl, who was obviously interested, due to my, I'll call them, "Phantom man tits" or still reeling from being extremely overweight but not anymore at the time.

So in high school, I had a few girlfriends but really they had all approached me cause I couldn't get this "syndrome" out of my head. Through that time, I gained the weight back and college rolled around. Thus began the craziest f-ing story ever as to how I lost the weight again for the, hopefully, final time.

A hypnotist had been brought in as a funny past time at the "welcome the freshmen" ceremony. Having never been to a hypnotist, I thought it would be funny if I volunteered. Guess what? I was, for lack of a better term, hypnotized like shit! I was doing some rather ridiculous things like dancing on stage and drawing pictures, crap like that. Then the hypnotist had the awesome idea of having me comically hit on someone in the crowd. I was brought over to a girl who was sitting in the audience and before I even said anything, she proceeded to say to her friend,

"Ewwww. Look at this fat kid they're going to get to hit on me! Why couldn't I get ANY of the other ones?"

Keep in mind, she said it fairly loud and, despite being hypnotized, could still hear very well. Imagine being a 6'6 college awkward freshman and in the first week you hear THAT. Realizing there was a gym within walking distance, I started going every single day. You know the freshman 15? Well multiply that by 3 and reverse it and that was my situation.

Over time, I started doing comedy and I've met a LOT of women but from time to time, I'll still revert to my "phantom bitch tits":

"Wow, that was a really great act, my place is right around the corner, let's go there."
"The time? Oh its quarter past 11. Welp, See you later!"

But I'm working on it.

Me at Age 12.

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