Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Evan Witnesses a Street Fight Between a Giant Green Ape and a Karate Man

I was walking down the street the other day, when all of a sudden a frantic man ran up to me.

"Come quickly to my straw hut! It's a fight! It's a fight!"

Before I had a chance to reply, the man grasped my arm and dragged me into his hut wherein I proceeded to view the most insane skeptical I had ever seen. There I was standing with two other horrified viewers as a Giant Green Ape like creature fought a man in a karate gi.

"QUICK! SOMEONE CALL ANIMAL CONTROL!" I screamed as the man faced down the ape creature, fists clenched. At first, I had thought someone had gotten lost while on their way to a costume party, in both cases (!), but to my surprise, I was informed that this was a "street fight". Puzzled, I asked what that was.

"Oh man, you haven't seen one of these before? Its fucking nuts man." The guy next to me said.
"But why are they fighting?"
"...You know I have no idea. I think I heard something about proving who's the best or something. Maybe its a reality show?"

I looked for cameras around but saw none. Before I was able to ask another question, the karate man proceeded to SHOOT BLUE FIRE OUT OF HIS HANDS!

"HABLOOBLEN!" The karate man yelled or something like that, I couldn't hear over the fact that I was checking to see if I had FUCKING BEEN DRUGGED BECAUSE I WAS WATCHING A GROWN MAN SHOOT BLUE FIRE OUT OF HIS HANDS AT A GREEN APE.

"Oh yeah, they can just do that sometimes." replied the man next to me.

What. The. Fuck? How is this the first I'm hearing about this? Is this just a big secret that everyone's been keeping from me for all this time? Work out, study hard, and shoot fireballs out of your hands by walking the path of the fist??? I don't remember that one in health class!

*Artist interpretation

The fight went from batshit insane to UBER BATSHIT INSANE as the Green Ape lept over the karate man's fireball and began exerting ELECTRICITY OUT OF HIS FUCKING BODY. How have we not harnassed the power of green apes to replace fossil fuels at this point? 

The two fought on for another two minutes until a ghostly voice screamed out, "TIME OVER!" and the karate man slumped to the ground, as the green ape jovially flipped upside down for a bit and clapped his hands. 

"What just happened?" I asked.
"Oh time was out. That one dude had less life?"
"Should we call a hospital oorrrr...?"

I got no response. I'm still sort of astonished by what I witnessed. Has anyone else seen a "street fight" before? I've also been told about "Sort of Combat"? I don't know what that is. If you happen to see a giant green ape on the loose, please call animal control. Also, if someone could teach me how to perform a "hurricane kick", I'd be eternally grateful.

*Shit's Bananas, son.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


Let's talk about my album:

My comedy album was recorded back in August at the Black Cat in Washington, D.C. Why did releasing it take so long? Life, essentially. I was trying to hammer out all the details, putting together everything with my move to Atlanta, find a job in that area (which I have) and get the cover album shot (big thanks to Brian Le for helping me with the latter part).

This is the culmination of years of standup for me. Bars, universities, conventions, open mics, etcetera, etcetera. The album itself is approximately 50 minutes long and I'm thinking of charging something like $5 for it. Let me know on this one; I think that's about the sweet spot for the overall cost.

Here's the tracklist:

1.) Intro - 00:00 - 00:13
2.) Live in DC - 00:14 - 01:30
3.) No Material - 01:31 - 03:49
4.) Blue Ribbon - 03:50 - 06:27
5.) Porno Machines - 06:28 - 08:55
6.) Emergency - 08:56 - 11:19
7.) Moonwalk Mansion - 11:20 - 12:58
8.) Garbage Mountain - 12:59 - 14:38
9.) Open a Feeling - 14:39 - 16:54
10.) Gotham - 16:55 - 19:05
11.) Game of Virgins - 19:06 - 20:09
12.) Diamond in the Rough - 20:10 - 21:33
13.) Surrender Dorothy! - 21:34 - 23:48
14.) Row Your Boat - 23:49 - 25:56
15.) Good old God - 25:57 - 27:53
16.) The Quilt - 27:54 - 30:47
17.) Christmas Memories - 30:48 - 33:11
18.) Apples From a Tree - 33:12 - 34:23
19.) Reefer Madness - 34:24 - 35:50
20.) Lucky Charms - 35:51 - 37:16
21.) Hit em in the Head! - 37:17 - 38:51
22.) Twilighting - 38:52 - 45:27
23.) Who You Gonna Call? 45:27 - End
Seriously, I had the most fun in my life recording this album, and I've played it about six million times... probably six million and one.

The show itself at the Black Cat was amazing and, seriously, if you attended and would like to receive a free copy of my album, just let me know. I love that venue and it was really a shot in the dark to book it, but I think this show has opened the Black Cat up to host more comedy related things. That alone makes it all worth it.

My one regret from the show is I flubbed up my rap song "Karate" with the insanely talented Chris Brooks. I think that was really a case of "Hey, Evan, you probably shouldn't try doing a rap song while trying to remember nearly an hour of standup material, a 20 minute musical about Thor, and organize everything for the night while also thinking about moving away from the area in a few weeks down the road." I do have an original recording of Karate, wherein I fucking nail the song so if you'd like a copy of that I can shoot it to you (it is really amazing, seriously, I'm not even bullshitting you). Song includes references of Iron Fist and Sho Nuff - what more do you need?

This is a bunch of verbal diarrhea now; sorry.
The title of the album, "That's What You Get for Being Different," actually comes from my Ghostbusters bit (that you can watch here:, and I came up with that joke while driving to a show at Towson University a few years back. I was thinking about Slimer and trying to work on a joke about who he was before he died, a war veteran who had become incontinent maybe and I started thinking about that one scene in the hallway where Bill Murray just lights him up with like no reason whatsoever. Like yeah, OK, he's a ghost but a minor nuisance at best. If the hotel had just charged tickets to see him and thrown Slimer a half eaten hot dog every once in a while, none of this would have happened, but I digress.

Let me wrap this up, as I'm seriously thinking about typing three billion different things. With this album finally released, do I think I'm going to "make it" in standup? Hahaha... no. Making it is fucking HARD. You gotta grind yourself into the dirt and just do show after show after show, which I was doing for a little bit a couple years ago, but you start getting older and you start prioritizing and whatnot. Listen, I fucking LOVE doing standup. It's in my bones and I'm constantly trying to think of new jokes and perfect my act as I get older. We'll see where I go in the future but for now: Thank you so much for supporting my crazy addiction and for listenting to me jabber on.

If you'd also like to read some of the comic books that I've written (this has become a shameless promotion, I am the #1 whore), visit and pick up Western, Further into the Abyss, and The Thing with Feathers.

Look for the album on iTunes very soon.