Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Evan Witnesses a Street Fight Between a Giant Green Ape and a Karate Man

I was walking down the street the other day, when all of a sudden a frantic man ran up to me.

"Come quickly to my straw hut! It's a fight! It's a fight!"

Before I had a chance to reply, the man grasped my arm and dragged me into his hut wherein I proceeded to view the most insane skeptical I had ever seen. There I was standing with two other horrified viewers as a Giant Green Ape like creature fought a man in a karate gi.

"QUICK! SOMEONE CALL ANIMAL CONTROL!" I screamed as the man faced down the ape creature, fists clenched. At first, I had thought someone had gotten lost while on their way to a costume party, in both cases (!), but to my surprise, I was informed that this was a "street fight". Puzzled, I asked what that was.

"Oh man, you haven't seen one of these before? Its fucking nuts man." The guy next to me said.
"But why are they fighting?"
"...You know I have no idea. I think I heard something about proving who's the best or something. Maybe its a reality show?"

I looked for cameras around but saw none. Before I was able to ask another question, the karate man proceeded to SHOOT BLUE FIRE OUT OF HIS HANDS!

"HABLOOBLEN!" The karate man yelled or something like that, I couldn't hear over the fact that I was checking to see if I had FUCKING BEEN DRUGGED BECAUSE I WAS WATCHING A GROWN MAN SHOOT BLUE FIRE OUT OF HIS HANDS AT A GREEN APE.

"Oh yeah, they can just do that sometimes." replied the man next to me.

What. The. Fuck? How is this the first I'm hearing about this? Is this just a big secret that everyone's been keeping from me for all this time? Work out, study hard, and shoot fireballs out of your hands by walking the path of the fist??? I don't remember that one in health class!

*Artist interpretation

The fight went from batshit insane to UBER BATSHIT INSANE as the Green Ape lept over the karate man's fireball and began exerting ELECTRICITY OUT OF HIS FUCKING BODY. How have we not harnassed the power of green apes to replace fossil fuels at this point? 

The two fought on for another two minutes until a ghostly voice screamed out, "TIME OVER!" and the karate man slumped to the ground, as the green ape jovially flipped upside down for a bit and clapped his hands. 

"What just happened?" I asked.
"Oh time was out. That one dude had less life?"
"Should we call a hospital oorrrr...?"

I got no response. I'm still sort of astonished by what I witnessed. Has anyone else seen a "street fight" before? I've also been told about "Sort of Combat"? I don't know what that is. If you happen to see a giant green ape on the loose, please call animal control. Also, if someone could teach me how to perform a "hurricane kick", I'd be eternally grateful.

*Shit's Bananas, son.

No comments:

Post a Comment