Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Christian Activist Group Demand for Superman to Pick a Religion

"Come, Son of Jor-El, Kneel before God!"
-Christan Activist Group Demand for Superman to Pick a Religion already

January 16, 2013 - A Christian Activist Group today stated their fervor in demanding that Superman claim a religion that he will call his own. 

"Deplorable," said an elderly woman who is actively a member of the group. "If this man is so super, why come he doesn't worship Jesus like all good people do?"

"Look, what we're asking for is simple," said Glenn Bible (pronounced Bi-blee). "For too long Superman has flaunted his ability to fly and make his eyes red while the God-fearing community is down here on the ground, spreading the Word. Imagine how fast the Word could be spread by someone who can travel at Mach 10? Pretty damn fast, I tell you what."

"We're not asking for Superman to necessarily come out and say he is a Christian, we just want to know what side of the fence he's on. Do we treat him with open arms or do we Kryptonite his ass?" stated another member of the group. 

Superman, who has been on planet Earth for many years now, has never stated his exact religion. Many assumed he worshipped some kind of weird space snake thing as was purportedly the custom on Krypton. Others refute this idea, stating that Superman punched the weird space snake thing in the face and hurled it into the sun during one of Lex Luthor's ingenious schemes to somehow turn a profit by making a land deal of some sort. How this was supposed to happen exactly with the help of a giant weird space snake thing has yet to be seen.

When asked for comment, Superman had this to say:

"Are we on this again? YOU KNOW WHAT...

"Did you see that sick Super-Speed toss into the atmosphere???" Superman yelled as he descended to Earth to continue our interview. "As Superman, I help anyone that I can whenever I can. I don't pledge my allegiance to one religion or another as I trust the betterment of mankind to accept the fact that even though I may look like you, I am still an alien from a distant planet trying to find myself on your world."

When the point was brought up that becoming a Christian may provide a tactical advantage in fighting vampires and werewovles and shit, Superman had this to say:

"A cross is all well and good against a vampire, but I'm powered by the sun. I don't do night time. My heat vision would surely eradicate any vampires that came within my general field of vision and, worse-case scenario, I can simply turn the planet on its axis, making it day time in the exact area where I am fighting said vampire."

When addressed about the possibility of becoming Jewish to handle any type of Golem-like creatures, Superman became frustrated.

"GET OFF IT ALREADY! Cheese and crackers, I don't need this! I just came back to Earth a few minutes ago after I fought Mr. Mxyzptlk. DO YOU KNOW HOW TOUGH THAT SHIT IS? I just want to sit in my Fortress of Solitude and catch up on my DVR."

Superman then proceeded to fly away. 

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