Friday, January 25, 2013

Joss Whedon, JJ Abrams to Fight to the Death for Title of "King of the Virgins"

Friday, January 25, 2013 - In shocking news today, Joss Whedon has thrown down the Infinity Gauntlet and challenged Star Trek, now Star Wars, director JJ Abrams to a fight to the death for the title of "King Of the Virgins."

"I've been in the shit since day one!" Whedon proclaimed, wielding the prop shield for Marvel Character Captain America from last year's Avengers. "Buffy, Angel, Firefly, this is my house, bitch!"

"Well, believe you me, Mr. Whedon can bring his lilly white ass to my door step anytime he so pleases. You thought the Smoke Monster was scary, just wait until you see my elbow drop!!!" retorted Abrams, applying Klingon war makeup while typing up slander about Joss on an online message board.

"When JJ, which is a slap to the face to J. Jonah Jameson, publisher of the Daily Bugle for your information, said he was going to be directing Star Trek, I was all like, let a playa play. Then I heard this mother fucka was going to be directing Star Wars and I was like, HELL NO! You already directed a movie with Star in the title, that's all you get! Don't go looking to direct Star Jammers by the way, that's my wheelhouse!"

"LULZORZ," stated an internet fanboy. "I hatez both Avengers and Star Trek but can't wait to see these two virgins fight! I'm not a virgin though, I got a girlfriend in Canada."

"I don't know why we're fighting over 'King of the Virgins.' I'm married for Christ sake," Abrams stated as he pointed at his wedding ring.

"I get so much poon from Avengers... man, I can't event tell you. Being King of the Virgins is more a celebratory title. We're helping these poor, depressed people in giving them a world which they can escape into where they'll never have to have intercourse in their lives. I'd say its a win-win."

The fight itself will be fought at the mecca of nerd-dom, the San Diego Comic-Con, where by merely attending, visitors' past sexual experiences will be stricken from their minds and replaced with Battlestar Galactica episodes.

"I can't wait for the episode where Balthar surrenders earth to the Cylons to replace the time I brushed up against a girl's jacket on the subway," an enthusiastic fan stated as he sweated profusely. "It's only 35 degrees in here? CRANK THAT AC UP!"

"This is just like the time I had my My Little Ponies figures fight with each other," stated a balding man in his 40s. "Shutterfly and Tiddley Winks laid claim to my heart."

The world waits with baited breath as these two titans of nerd-dom do battle.

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