Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Evan's Crazy Conspiracy Theories for 2013
Scientists have concluded that the world did not end as the Mayans predicted in the year 2012 (OR DID IT? No. OR NOT? What?) This leads a gaping hole in our lives as there are no longer any "Doomsday Predictions" on the horizon. What will we nervously think about now as we play Borderlands 2 and deworm our cats (both things I did on New Year's the same time)?
Well, I'm here for you. Find below Five Conspiracy Theories that you can share with your friends for this new year of Two Thousand and Thirteen (I'm saying it this way, leave me alone!):
1) The Fiscal Cliff is an Actual Cliff with a Monster Named "Fiscal" Living at the Bottom of It
I bet you were thinking to yourself, "Boy, these clowns in Congress have done it again, what a bunch of clowns!" Little did you know that they were not, in fact, determining who would get taxed and who would not. They were not thinking about debt alleviation or what funds would be deterred to what outlets. NO! Rather they were determining how many people would need to be eaten to satiate the hunger of the dark God, Fiscal. Republicans? Democrats? Incumbents? None were spared. Think me crazy? Well, ask yourself this! How many people do you know who actually live in North Dakota? Not too many, right? Well, that's because the surplus population is fed to Fiscal in order to give us the happiest of New Years. *Artist rendition of Fiscal below*

2) We All Died in 2012, like at the end of Lost. In fact, it's exactly like Lost.

Everything that happened in the TV show Lost actually happened in your life. Think about it? Deserted Island = Your Apartment. Plane Crash = Your failed relationships. Smoke Monster = Your Mom. Hurley = You. Everything's adding up, right? The TV show Lost is in fact not a TV show at all, rather it's a mirror into which you were looking at the reflection of yourself. We're all in purgatory now, wondering when we'll find the secret glowing cave that was totally not made up by the writers in a desperate final attempt to connect everything in the show at the last minute!

3) Nobody saw the Avengers.

Remember how awesome the Avengers was? Remember when the Hulk was green and Hawkeye shot stuff? Remember when Iron Man was like, "Smirk"? You're the only one who does...ever. No one else saw the movie. Everyone is just humoring you whenever you talk about it. Whenever you walk into a Target or a Best Buy, someone is always picking up a copy of the movie or talking about how many copies are being sold.
I bet you found that odd that he said the name of the movies wrong, right? Well, as soon as you turned your head, that man was executed in order to continue the ruse. The ruse, of course, being that everyone feels sorry for you for seeing that movie for kids about men in colorful costumes. It's a comic book, for God's sake! Go on a date!

4) Everytime a Bell Rings, Nothing Happens except a Bell Rings.

Bet you thought an angel got its wings, right? Don't be childish. That only happens when a muffler is replaced in a car.

(First "Angel" to appear in Google Image Search. Fuck you, I'M NOT CHANGING IT.)

5) I just did not drink coffee.

I actually did! I know, I just blew your mind. Truly the craziest conspiracy theory of them all....I couldn't think of a #5. Leave me alone.

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