Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Ghost Hunters can Fuck Off

Somewhere right now there's a man who has lost his home. He's sifting through garbage in order to get the latest bit of food that will help to prolong his life another day, primarily based on survival instincts rather than anything else. He has lost his family, he has lost his entitlement to humanity, he has lost his place in the social order of society, clinging to what little he had in a make shift shelter pieced together from cardboard cutouts of Jack Sparrow and toilet paper. He once had a life, he once had hopes and dreams, he was once successful, he had children and legacies and Satuday soccer games and ballet lessons and aspirations and bills and headaches and everyday problems. Now, he has to worry about rats eating his leftover Arby's Big Beef and Cheddar thats three days old he found after taking off a used condom from the top. He'd kill himself, but he doesn't have enough money for a gun and can't jump off a building, because you need to have shoes to enter into the building in the first place. This man's life is in shambles, regardless of his talents, regardless of his skills, regardless of everything.

Meanwhile, these assholes get paid for walking through dark places and acting scared about shit.

Yes, for today's entry, I'm going off on the assholes who are the inappropriately dubbed, "Ghost Hunters" I mean technically, they do "hunt ghosts" in the same way that I "hunt Bigfoot" by just looking into a forest whenever I pass one in a car or running or something.

To further explore the definition of what these two "experts" are supposed to be, the definition of a hunter is "a person or animal that seeks out and kills or captures game".

In this case, the "game" would be the "ghosts" who haunt establishments such as mansions, farms, graveyards, and museums where old pieces of the Titanic are currently being held because the ghosts of those who died MUST follow these pieces wherever they dwell regardless of any evidence stating as such. OOOOoooOOOOooOOOOooOOOO.

Now, would you like to take a guess as to how many "ghosts" the "Ghost Hunters" have "killed or captured?" There have been 4 seasons spanning over 5 years so thats roughly over 70 episodes at least. Surely these experts must have caught at least 5 ghosts, possibly killed one? Don't exactly know how one "kills" a ghost but these are "Ghost Hunters" after all.

Ok, lets look this up. Aaanndd the answer issssss......zero. Shocker. After 5 years, the Ghost Hunters have caught aproximately zero ghosts and accidentally killed six people using "ghost bullets" which were actually just regular bullets with the words "Fuck Ghosts" etched into the sides, thus in fact CREATING more ghosts!.....All right the latter is a lie, but how awesome would that be if they just started firing randomly into the darkness whenever they heard a sound or felt something "GRAB MY LEG"!

Realistically, maybe I'm being a little harsh on them. Surely they must have scientific degrees in the paranormal and have studied extensively on the aspects of a possible afterlife, spending decades researching philosophies on the afterlife and the psychological implications of death. Hold on a second, let me wikipedia them. Aaannnddd they're plumbers.

Yes the mighty Ghost Hunters have used their extensive knowledge of shit caked pipes and ass cracks to breach the world of the supernatural. Plumbers "fighting" ghosts, where have I heard that one before?

The Ghost Hunters are in fact a real life version of the Mario Brothers, only much much worse. Unlike the Mario Brothers, who killed thousands of ghosts by wearing raccoon suits and shooting fireballs out of their hands, the Ghost Hunters merely look scared at various locales, say, "Well I guess the spirits are at rest now", leave, go home, and drown their sorrows in beer and alimony.

The Hunters popularity is mind boggling however, as people fucking LOVE to watch two grown men act confused in night vision goggles. There are currently three spin offs including, "Ghost Hunters International", "UFO Hunters", And "The Othersiders" which is Ghost Hunters for Kids.


I challenge the Ghost Hunters to find ONE ghost....EVER! Justify your existences damn you! Capture Abraham Lincoln and have him tell us where he hid the gold he stored underneath his hat! Ask the ghost of Hitler how he felt regarding his portrayal in the Tom Cruise flick Valkyrie! Ask Ghandi how he feels about Arby's Big Beef and Cheddar Sandwich!

*Sigh* Forget it. These two men have created a monopoly on being scared and shrugging their shoulders. Who wants to join me and be "Loch Ness Monster Hunters"? There's probably a market for that.

1 comment:

  1. In episode 87 of Television Zombies, which will probably go up today or tomorrow, we rant about Ghost ADVENTURES, an even worse version of Ghost Hunters. Worse, yet better.

    You should consider ranting against a bad sci-fi show for an opinion piece. You could probably make something really funny.