Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Jon and Kate Plus 8: Interview #2 (THE DIVORCE!) Jon's Side

Hi guys, so using my Hollywood connections I was once again able to interview each of the parents from Jon and Kate Plus 8. Unfortunately, due to the divorce proceedings, I was only able to interview them one at a time. Here's what Jon had to say:

Evan: Hello Jon, how are you today?

Jon: Gotta tell you bro, I'm feeling a-ok!

Evan: That's good, I actually thought this would be a hard time for you, with the divorce underway and everything.

Jon: Heck no man! I'm a 32 year old bulldog who has been let off his leash and is on the prowl after his testicles miraculousy have grown back after being snipped by a crazy veterinarian with no class! NO CLASS!

Evan: Uhhhmmm.....what?

Jon: Mothers, lock up your daughters! Because the way I see it, a man has become bitten by a radioactive penis which gives him sexual powers that were originally restrained by an evil sorceress but are now free to spread love and joy to all the females out there in the world tonight. Man Penis is born!

Evan: Excuse me?

Jon: Man Penis! That's me! Man Penis!





Evan: What in God's name are you talking about?

Jon: Listen square, I'm only 32 years old. I have a motorcycle and I had the abilty to put 8 babies inside one woman. You know how much street cred that gets me? OOOO WEEE!

Evan: Fair enough. Nice earrings by the way.

Jon: You mean my sparklies? Yeah, chicks dig em. *sniff* Guess I'm something of a super stud.

Evan: So I guess you're taking this divorce in stride. Do you feel badly at all for the kids?

Jon: Do I feel for my children? Of course I do. I've been a father for nearly a decade and I would give my life for each and every one of those children. Throughout all of the hardships and trials that I've needed to endure to really give them the opportunities that I never had when I was their age, to be able to provide for them and love them like no other parents would. To be able to give them the experience of growing up with their brothers and sisters and watching them grow, while sheltering them and giving them experiences they'll never forget is a thing of beauty.

Evan: Any words of wisdom for them?

Jon: Yes. Sons and daughters of me, live proud and live free and don't take shit from nobody. Sons, grow up strong. Daughters, don't be like your mother.

Evan: Wait a minute.....

Jon: What?

Evan: What are your sons and daughters' names?

Jon: *nervously* Th-their names?

Evan: Yeah. Their names. Surely you know their names.

Jon: Of course I do. Why I'm offended by even the mere mention....I mean you know theres.....the gay one.....and that one with the glasses.....and the one who sneezed that one time into the sink......and Doc?

Evan: Those aren't their names.

Jon: Was that the phone?

Evan: I didn't hear any.....HEY! *Evan grabs Jon as the 32 year old man quickly tries to climb out the window of the establishment*


Evan: Sit down and I will!

Jon: Fine! *Jon proceeds to sit down* Whatever man.

Evan: How is the band coming al....

Jon: ASIAN PERSUASION? GREAT MAN GREAT! We about to kick off our three state tour. Here's our album, fresh off the presses!

Evan: *Evan gags in horror* You're all naked on this album cover.

Jon: Fuck yeah! That nakedness represents our ability to blend into our surroundings without "man's law" getting in the way.

Evan: That makes no sense, I can clearly see all of you! And the name of the album is...."The only 8 kids I got are the beers in my fridge"? Good Lord!

Jon: Its a metaphor.

Evan: For what?

Jon: For drinking kicking ass, am I right??? *Jon places his hand up in the air awaiting a high five, Evan looks at it with contempt, Jon places his hand down*

Evan: Yeeaaahhhh. So one last thing, do you feel you have anything else to say?

Jon: Oh yeah. Jon Gosling will be at McSwinger's Party Lounge tonight from 8 to 10 PM as part of the Wacky Pack 94.7 Morning Palooza. I'll be handing out "Team Jon" t-shirts with my new slogan written on it. "GA-GOOSH! Don't take SHIT from NOBODY!"


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