Sunday, June 14, 2009

Famous Valentines

Special weekend edition folks. Usually I keep this to Monday through Friday, but its a lazy Sunday and I felt like doing some writing.

My last name is Valentine, as you all know, and I gotta say its a pretty awesome last name. The first name I could give or take, but having the last name of Valentine always meant I would do something against the norm. I landed into the comedy/alternative field, where I could have easily become a private investigator or a porno star based on my last name alone. So I thought I'd take the time to look at some of the famous "Valentines" throughout the ages.
Skeeter Valentine

Skeeter Valentine was of course a character from the old show, "Doug". Always a good friend, a sidekick as it were to the main protagonist that was Doug. Skeeter was something of an idiot savante, he could calculate the hexadecimals in a neutron star and discover the intricacies of Freud's human psychological prospectives, but he also made fart noises as a reflex and honked on a constant basis. Something of a balancing act to be sure. Skeeter though did a good job of representing the "Valentine" badge in being an all around nice guy. Always there for his friends and was able to overcome the fact that he was blue in a world where people were orange, green, pale, and magenta.

St Valentine

There have been a number of saints who were the original inspiration for "Valentine's Day", and he was an inspirational Martyr. Its kind of odd that the day that a Roman priest was beheaded and executed, we give our loved ones chocolates and roses. Lord knows, I've heard enough cracks about my name on the ever revolving February 14th. Good times.

Greg the Hammer Valentine

One of the all time great wrestlers of all time, I always thought that I was somehow related to this guy in some weird way back when I was 7, sitting in the limelight of Wrestlemania from the recesses of the basement of my parents' house in Wintergreen. The guy was a great wrestler and obviously created a name for himself with that, but I find it funny that he has something of an "old woman face". I think you could transfer his face onto the body of an elderly bingo junkie and you wouldn't really be able to tell the difference. On a somewhat related subject, when I was in Kindergarden, one of the fathers of a girl in my class was Big John Stud, the first winner of WWF's Royal Rumble. I don't really stay abreast of the wrestling world nowadays, but back then, having a famous wrestler come to your house and helicopter you ala Zangief from Street Fighter was pretty damn sick.

Evan Valentine

Now this one is a piece of work. Living in Washington DC, a kind of tall-ish Tim Robbins looking gentleman. Quite articulate when it comes to creating pieces of creative work and dialect, he's something of a walking cartoon character in some respects. Definitely good for a laugh, that's for sure. What will the future hold for this gangly bastard I wonder. Maybe one day he'll settle down and have a family, spreading the benefit of his many years on earth to his children, looking back on the years when he was sitting in smoke filled basements recording epic musicals, smoke filled bars rattling his thoughts through a microphone, and punching the keys of a laptop to put his thoughts on cyberspace for everyone to read throughout the history of humanity. Who knows?

Evan Valentine - Porno Actress

.....................................Don't really have the words for this one. Considering there's an 18 year old Asian porno actress with my name. Well, at least she's being creative.

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