Friday, March 15, 2013

Joss Whedon Starts Firefly Kickstarter Campaign - Country Under Siege by Nerds Plundering for Donations

March 15, 2013 - With the recent success of the revival of the Veronica Mars franchise through a Kickstarter campaign, Joss Whedon began a campaign to restart his popular science fiction franchise, Firefly, which has sent the country into an economic and chaotic spiral into madness.

"I didn't mean for any of this to happen." Whedon said, holding a gun in one hand, a glass of whisky in the other. "I put up the Kickstarter page yesterday and was aiming to have a goal of $10 million dollars for the budget of the film."

"And how much money have you raised so far?"

"137 billion dollars." Whedon replied, and there appears to be no signs of the funds stopping.

When news hit the web of Firefly's potential resurgence, the fandom community went berserk. Many immediately left their jobs, picked up blunt instruments close to them, and began assaulting random passers by and financial establishments for whatever money they could find.

"When I heard the call of my lord, Whedon," said Malcolm Reynolds (originally Leonard Milton, who had recently legally changed his name to the main protagonist of the Sci Fi Western), "I instantly emptied my bank account into the Kickstarter and began 'encouraging' others to do the same, sometimes with force if necessary."

"I was held at gun point in front of my computer!" says Linda Blake of Santa Fe, Arizona. "These overweight men barged into my home, shoved a gun in my face and told me to deposit my money into Firefly. I kept telling them I didn't know what that was, but they just kept yelling at me in broken Chinese! I couldn't stop crying as they whispered over and over, 'Like a leaf on the wind. Like a leaf on the wind.' I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS."

Movie studios instantly took notice of the campaign and began a bidding war to be the ones to create the Firefly movie, which, at this moment, now has a budget of 154 billion dollars and counting.

"We here at Fox studios realize we made quite the miscalculation when we originally canceled Firefly by placing it during its original Friday night timeslot, we hope to rectify that if we win the bidding war."

"The Bidding War" as it is being called has long since stopped being about money, and is now the studios literally going to war with one another, buying up all the guns and ammo they can to try to destroy the other studios and their personnel in order to have Firefly for themselves.

"I just started this job yesterday." Says a new intern to Dreamworks. "They just handed me a gun and told me to kill everything I see. I don't even know what this is about!!....Firefly you say?....I am the angel of the death. The time of purification is upon us."

The intern then proceeded to wander out into the battlefield, killing three other interns from rival companies before falling himself to a mortar blast.

"Soldiers" from New Line Cinema pictured above.

"The tragedies just keep coming." Whedon stated, as he reflects upon the damage he has caused. "One studio head made a passing joke about restarting Firefly with Shia LeBouf as the lead. HE WAS RIPPED APART."

"I've gotta be in this movie now I guess." Nathan Fillion, star of Firefly said, as six burly men held shotguns to his head. "The budget is now at 235 billion and even if I didn't want to do it, they say they'll kill everyone I love if I don't. YOU'RE ALL ANIMALS, YA HEAR ME???"

At this time, the US Economy is nearly entirely based around Firefly products and copies of the television series on DVD and Blu Ray. Communities no longer wear clothing which they choose for themselves, rather, they all wear brown coats, as is dictated in the series. Children no longer learn about past world events, rather they are taught instructional lessons regarding how hot "Kaylee" is. May God forgive us for what we have allowed to transpire.

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