Wednesday, February 27, 2013

DC Comics Reveals All Spoilers for the Next 10 Years of Stories

February 27, 2013 - In an effort to lure even more readers into comic book stores, DC Comics will be revealing all the major events that will be happening in their books for the next ten years in a news conference today.

"We're laying all our cards on the table!" says DC front man Dan Didio. "We're telling you here and now everything that happens to our characters years in advance. Want to know the specifics of how these things happen? Well, you'll have to read to find out... unless we want to print something in the New York Times, then we'll give you a detailed play by play that we'll slam in your face."

"I think it's a really revolutionary thing that DC is doing," says one comic fan. "Who wants to learn events through the eventual progression of a well-paced story when I can just have it all told to me in my Twitter feed?'

"This is some bullshit!" yelled DC comic fan Robindeeznuts65. "I haven't seen my kids in weeks in fear of having the ending of Batman Inc. spoiled for me and then I call Papa John's to order a pizza, and I hear Dan Didio's voice yelling 'HEY ROBIN'S DEAD! WHAT DO YOU WANT ON YOUR PIZZA??'"

"The Papa John's partnership is a great way to get our name out there. On top of instantly revealing a finale when you call the number, whenever you order an additional topping, we'll inform you of another plot point based on said topping."

"I ordered extra cheese and they told me Firestorm was going to die in five years during Crisis of the Universes Part 3. THE FUCK!"

The controversy, of course, began with the reveal that the current Robin and son of Batman, Damien Wayne, who was created by the union of Bruce Wayne and Talia Al Ghul through a birthing chamber that accelerated his aging (COMICS), was going to die. Damien, being the most kick-ass of all Robins, dies fighting his mother's evil plans to destroy the world.

"I had originally created Damien as an archetype to represent the current social climate of the world, reflecting how society is garnering more of a hard edge - yet, underneath, the soul remains," replied current Batman writer, Grant Morrison. "Also, I'M HIGH AS FUCK RIGHT NOW."

Before the press conference, Didio began hinting at future plotlines:

  • Superman's missing pants will return from the old universe in "THE PANTS OF KRYPTON" to menace the new denizens of the 52. 
  • Superman and Wonder Woman will totally keep getting it on. 
  • With the success of Superboy's outfit, everyone will be Tron.
  • The Joker will now be frowning from this point forward. Take that, nerds!
  • Green Arrow will be shirtless 95% of the time to coincide with the smash hit Arrow.
  • The Justice League will all get raped in "Rape of Infinite Worlds" - Rated E for Everyone.
  • The Green Lanterns will be plagued by the latest Lantern corps, the Brown Lanterns, whose emotion is indifference. Hal Jordan and crew will have to figure out a way to get them out of the path of their flight pattern because 'meh.'

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