Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Where do Comedians get their jokes? The Secret Revealed!

Usually, when I'm at the bars and meeting new people, I get the same questions,

"Oh you're a stand up comedian? How about telling us a couple of jokes? Where do you come up with your jokes?"

I thought I would use this opprotunity to really give you an in depth analysis of the answers to these questions. Well actually, the last question, I can answer the first two questions easily.
1.) Yes.
2.) No.

Of course I am a stand up comedian, I just said so. You heard the words that came out of my mouth and if you didn't, well then you should have been listening harder. I say, "no", to telling jokes outside of the stage because well, telling jokes in a crowded bar without a stage or directly at one person is rough. No one's ever REALLY paying attention and you're having to battle against everyone elses' voices in the joint. Its only ever worked ONE time where I legitimately had a great response and that was in college for some Towson girls who then took a picture with me, God bless them.

Now, let's get down to the nitty gritty. How do I come up with my material? Well there are a number of ways but I find the most effective way of coming up with great jokes is to do what most comedians do, and that of course is to fight the legendary cave troll of KrathaDOOM!
Yes, Shecky the Cave Troll has lived in the lower bowels of the darkest recesses of mankind's domain for untold milennia, giving jesters and wordsmiths their inspirations throughout history. Needless to say, overcoming Shecky is difficult and a trial the likes of which few have ever seen.

Finding him is half the challenge as his location is a secret only solved through the following riddle:

"Come find me in a place of rock and bird, where Big Beef and Cheddar is procured!"

This of course refers to the dumpster behind the Arby's on Rockville Pike. Come on people, stay with me here. Now, Shecky is one tough customer so you always need to be prepared with "comedy" weapons that include the following:

1.) Fake Clown Nose

2.) A setlist

And of course,

3.) A Gun.

Now, once you have overcome Shecky, he is obliged to give you three jokes on the topics of your choosing so its best to think carefully. The first time I beat Shecky down I said the following,

"Give me a joke about Oprah!"
"What is an Oprah?"

Thus began the long process of informing Shecky who Oprah was, what her relevance was to the world, and so on and so forth. Shecky then replied:

"Oprah's thin, then she's fat, its almost like she's on Weight Watchers in reverse! Eh? Eh?"

It was time to beat Shecky more severely this time. The trick to this cave troll is that he supplies comedy to everyone so the harder you pummel him, the better your jokes will be. After explaining the premise of the Wizard of Oz to Shecky, he supplied me with my, now legendary, "Wizard of Oz bit" after he was done spitting out his molars.

So remember, if you want to be a stand up comedian just like your old pal Evan, find Shecky and beat him mercilessly for jokes.

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