Hello everyone. So last night I managed to watch my very first episode of "Jon and Kate plus 8" and, using my comedic connections, was able to have an interview with this famous couple to talk about a few things with them. Here's the transcript of this fun interview:
Evan: Good morning Jon! Good morning Kate!
Kate: Why did you say his name first?
Jon: *Loud snoring*
Kate: WAKE UP! Christ he's AAALLLWAAYYSSS doing this.
Jon: What? What happened? Are the kids dead?
Evan: We're doing our interview, remember?
Jon: Oh....*looks around*....are you sure?
Jon: I NEED TO SLEEP KATE! OK? I NEED SLEEP! I SLEEP FOR 45 MINUTES A NIGHT!
Evan: Ok, well let's move things along, so how do you guys like having 8 kids?
Jon: Its great. Best thing that ever happened to me. *rolls eyes*
Kate: What was that?
Jon: What was what?
Kate: You rolled your eyes didn't you?
Jon: I never said that.
Kate: But you did! I saw you!
Jon: Here we go.
Kate: If you didn't want to have 8 kids, we shouldn't have used the turkey baster in the bedroom!
Jon: YOU MADE ME USE IT! YOU MADE ME! I wanted to be a rock star! Did you know that Evan?
Evan: Uhhmm No I didn't.
Jon: Yeah! *eyes light up* Here, take a look at this picture. *hands Evan an old picture of himself and a motley crew, all of whom are wearing business suits, playing various instruments*
Evan: The...Asian Persuasion?
Jon: That was my band! We played bar mitzvahs, weddings, and church gatherings. We were the tits man! You should have seen us in our prime....you know before....*eyes over to Kate* this happened.
Kate: Oh right Jon! RIGHT! Your band was really going to make it! Your best song was "Eye of Pat Morita" AND IT WAS TERRIBLE!
Jon: IT WAS GOLD! *lifts hand as if to slap Kate, Kate quickly decks Jon* AAA! AAA!
Evan: *Puts picture away* Ok well we're getting off on a tangent again. How has the new stardom really affected your lives? I hear the show is a big success.
Kate: Its great. Half the fun is being recognized on the street and telling couples how to live happy marriages with one anot...
Jon: Sometimes I like to....
Kate: *glares at Jon* You interrupted me Jon. What did I tell you about interrupting me? *cracks knuckles*
Jon: Oh God please no Kate. Not in the face! My looks are all I have.
Jon: Why do you belittle me so? You know what she said to me once Evan? You know what she said?
Evan: *nervously responds* Nooo?
Jon: She says she likes her men like she likes her acting roles for Jeffrey Tambor, balding and slowly dying on the inside! She rips my hair out when I'm asleep! I KNOW SHE DOES!
Kate: That's a lie!
Jon: She replaced my rogaine with string cheese!
Evan: That can't be good.
Jon: No it isn't! I get chased by dogs!
Evan: So let's talk about your kids a little bit more, how are they doing?
Kate: They're doing great. Little Aiden rode his first bicycle yesterday.
Jon: Is that the gay one?
Kate: Johnathan, I SWEAR TO GOD!
Jon: Don't get mad at me Kate! Don't you dare! I have no idea which is which anymore. Ok? You tell me to make lunch for Aiden and so I give it to one of the girls and I find out that that's actually one of the boy's names! How can I keep track of all of this? Its not possible! There's 8 of them Evan! 8! That's 4 times 2! That's 8 times 1! That's enough children to build a pyramid!
Kate: If you bring up the pyramid idea again, so help me.
Jon: She never listens to my ideas! I tell her that we should have the children build a pyramid like back in the time of ancient Egypt so we can always be remembered for our great parenting skills. Is that insane? HUH?
Evan: Well actually....
Jon: Oh really? *Jon looks down for a minute and contemplates in silence* My bad.
Evan: *ruffles anxiously through question cards* All right....ok....so what do you two like to do in your spare time?
Kate: I'm sorry I don't understand the question.
Evan: What don't you understand about the question?
Kate: What is "Spur time"?
Evan: Spare time....*Kate shrugs her shoulders*Its time you have to yourselves.
Kate: Oh...haha...of course. Well I like to breath during my free moments.
Jon: I like to look on google for painless methods of suicide. You wouldn't happen to have any apricots on you do you? Because I hear....
Evan: MOVING ON! *ruffles through cards again* I know there's been some trouble between you two recently with the whole "cheating" ordeal.
Kate: Yes well....nobody's perfect.
Jon: We are really trying to work out our problems. Its better for the kids this way.
Evan: Wow that's really great to hear. Do you think there will be more kids in the future?
Jon: What? WHAT? WHAT? NO! NOOO! NOOOOOO!
Kate: Jon gets a little nervous when he gets asked that question.
Jon: No I'm....*Jon begins loosening his tie*....I'm fine. Everything's going to be fine.....Is it hot in here to anyone else? It just seems hot to me.
Kate: Its room temperature to me.
Jon: It just seems really....I'm going to take off my pants *begins loosening belt*
Evan: I can't say thats something you should be doing.
Jon: I'm going to do it anyway. Ok. *takes off pants* You know what, its still blazing hot in here. I'm going to take off some other clothes.
Evan: What is he....?
Kate: Oh no, he's relapsing! Whenever Jon gets asked a question about more children, he thinks if he takes off all his clothes that the earth will somehow swallow him whole and take him away from this place! JOHNATHAN! PUT ON YOUR TIE!
Jon: ITS SO HOT IN HERE! EVERYTHING IS SO....TAKE ME AWAY! TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS PLACE! *Jon begins frantically ripping off his garments.* TAKE ME AWAY! I DON'T WANT ANYMORE KIDS! SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS LIFE!
Kate: JOHNATHAN! YOU STOP THIS NONSENSE IMMEDIATELY!
Jon: Asssiiiaannnn PERSUASION! Rocking the world with an oriental groove!
Kate: Oh christ he's relapsing!
Jon: Asian PERSUASION! Our gyrating hips are silky smooth!
Evan: I'm going to....go now.
*Kate begins slapping a naked Jon, singing the start of "Eye of Pat Morita" as Evan leaves*