Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Being a Scooby Doo Villain Has Got To Suck

I'm not even talking about the fact that you get your ass handed to you by a motley crew of misfits, potheads, and a talking dog, I'm talking about the actual act of having to haunt shitty places in heavy rubber suits.

Yesterday, I had a show in Vienna VA that was at the "Counter Culture Festival" which was located, surpisingly enough, to an actual Culture Festival. I use the word Culture loosely for the "Culture Festival" as it was more just like a regular festival with rides, fried food, and carnies. Horrible horrible carnies.

So myself and the other comedians there (Jake, Aparna, Tyler, and Hampton for those keeping score) discussed the implications of having to haunt some shitty carnival for the rest of eternity. Thinking about it further, this led to the inevitable comparison with Scooby Doo villains who are usually stuck haunting carnivals, shitty old mansions, and what not.

Imagine you have just discovered that there is a large amount of gold buried underneath the local carnival that has just rolled into town. Rather than go to the city counsel and ask for help in retrieving said gold, receiving a small finders fee, it has come to your attention that scaring the shit out of small children and obese families is the way to go about this. So, you decide to whip up a costume of Evan Valentine in ten years, as seen below:

And get to work on claiming your gold. Things do not go as planned however.

You are now stuck haunting the shittiest place in the world. You have started to go deaf from the constant blaring of the music from Foreigner on a regular basis. You are getting ridiculously fat from only being able to eat funnel cakes and cheesesteaks. No one is really afraid of you because the carnies are way more hideous than you could ever hope to be and so you're ghastly moans and grunts fall on deaf ears, much like your own. But fuck it, YOU NEED YOU SOME TREASURE! You ain't going back to that wife who won't stop talking about her case of the gout and that job where you have to clean the stalls of the local porno store. No sir! Time to strap up and put on that Fishman suit.

Finally, someone begins paying attention to you in the form of a stoner, a jock, a hot chick, a bookworm and a talking dog. You're so giddy that you begin doing what you do best, scaring the shit out of them and slipping on banana peels.

Eventually though, right as you feel that you've managed to outwit the young group of teens after dodging their final trap, the talking dog will accidentally push you into the cotton candy machine where you will find yourself unable to move due to the delicious, yet fast sealing apoxy treat. You have been undone.

The cops arrive on the scene and you are charged with "felony count of putting on a goofy costume and scaring people, minor felony for public irritation of a talking dog, and seventy three counts of attempted murder." Yeah, I forgot to mention that when you try to shove a barrel over a stoner's head, that isn't too kindly viewed by the local police department.

All you can say before the police take you to the van where they will savagely beat you for dressing up like "one of them city monster folk." is "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those kids and their otherworldy dog who has the ability to form coherent thought and reason." The kids and the police have a laugh, now its off to jail for you where you will be viciously raped, in costume no less, and do anything you can to become a part of the gang of guys locked away who were also put away for wearing halloween costumes, known ironically enough as "The Scoobies".

Be sure to watch out for Big Steve, he may be the leader but thats just because he's the craziest guy in there:

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