Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Earth Girls Are Easy: A Guide to Dating Aliens

Good morning all you lucky bachlerottes,

Boy do I have an exciting entry for you today! I know that some guys on earths can be dicks, so I'm going to offer you something different. That's right, its time for you to meet the right man who isn't a man at all. Its time to start dating some aliens and we're going to take a look at the pros and cons of each of these lucky bachelors right here and now (Thanks to Mr. Crawley for this idea by the way).

Off we go! Name: Alf
Pros: Humorous, Has a loving relationship with family (so that means he can have a loving relationship with you!), can drive a car, has his own pad (which is a laundry room), hairy.

Cons: Will eat your cat, very insensitive, not quite sure he has genitals.

Name: ET The Extra Terrestrial

Pros: He's got magic fingers (no really they're magic, they glow and fix shit), loves candy, can make your bike fly, loves everything.

Cons: Definitely no genitals, hangs out with kids a little too much, never wears clothes, fugitive from the US government, possibly retarded.

Name: Alien

Pros: Will get you pregnant in under a week so he's not afraid of commitment, in good shape (a steady regiment of goring marines keeps him fit), has a tinier version of himself in his mouth (Uhhhmmm, I guess thats a good thing?)

Cons: Will kill you through pregnancy or through stabbing or through goring or through decapitation or through the tinier version of himself in his mouth.

Name: Superman

Pros: Your parents will love him, he actually looks human, can leap tall buildings in a single bound, he's faster than a locomotive.

Cons: Your parents will love him, he's already married (You'll have to be his super mistress), he's faster than a locomotive....in bed!, constantly called away to "save the world" but we know what he's really doing (partying with super whores!).

Name: Yoda

Pros: One with the force, he is a monster in the bedroom, he's mature unlike those younger guys.

Cons: His talking is all fucked up, his clothes are so last century, won't stop telling you that you're heading down a dark path to the dark side, short!

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