Monday, May 18, 2009

That Red Headed Freak Archie is getting married!

Yes, Archie Andrews, that red headed freak from the funny books, is apparently getting married. Ok a couple things to start off.

First, isn't Archie like perpetually 15 years old or some shit? And he's getting married already? Does he live on the Bible Belt? I always forget where Riverdale is located exactly so I guess that could be the case.
Secondly, is Archie retarded? For some reason, every hot girl in Riverdale wants to bone this kid due to the fumes from a toxic chemical spill or something, thats really my only guess as to why this is the case, and he wants to settle down with one? Pashaw. Ridiculous. Preposterous.
Third, shouldn't Archie have died of Sexually Transmitted Diseases years ago?

Fourth, He's fucking 15....AGAIN! He can't support a wife or a family with his paper route! In no time at all, he'll be blowing Mr. Witherbee behind the dumpster at the Malt Shop for a little spare change.

Ok, well aside from those points, lets diagnose exactly who Archie may propose to from the list of possible suspects.

1.) Betty
Now that my friends is commitment. Betty is the usual "go to girl" whenever someone is asked between Betty and her arch rival, who we'll get into in a bit. Now she's a little shy and she's rough around the edges, but she's a girl who you can bring home to mother. Unfortunately, I think for the most part she'd be about as fun as a bucket of rocks to hang out with in general, but hey love conquers all. The second she screams out "Palin in '12!" Archie needs to book it fast and not look back. That youthful appearance isn't going to last forever sir, so you'd better cover your bases.

2.) Veronica

Who could forget Veronica? The evil one of the two stable choices for Archie. Evil because she's rich. And she's got black hair. Yep, evil. With her, you aren't marrying a smoking hot wife, you're marrying a smoking hot bank account. No question, she will forget about you as soon as you slap a wedding ring on that finger and start banging the starting lineup of the '96 Dallas Cowboys but hey, you're rich now too and I know Archie wouldn't be stupid enough to sign a prenuptual agreement on this one. So....Cha Ching!

3.) Cherry

Now I don't know who this is exactly, but she has the clap. NEXT!

4.) Big Ethel

Jesus Christ! Good God that is probably the most depressing thing ever. I think after attempting to rape Jughead, the next step in Ethel's master plan is to eat a bullet. She's never been really into Archie, so I suspect she's the only chick on the face of that fictional world not affected by his charms or she's secretly a man. Speaking of Jughead....

5.) Jughead

You know I couldn't finish this out without making the obligatory gay joke. I really don't see this happening, but not for the reasons you think. I think that if it ain't food, Jughead isn't interested. He is an asexual eating machine who strangely enough never gets fat. How odd. I can only imagine him on Friday nights.

"Hey Jughead, want to go get some pussy?"
"That's a funny way of saying hamburgers you asshole!"

Such is life. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

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