My Top 5 Calvin and Hobbes Strips

Growing up, I think that one of the biggest influences on me was Calvin and Hobbes. Out of every comic strip going, this one was and, lets face it, will always be the best. The dichotomy between Calvin and his stuffed imaginary tiger, Hobbes, was always poignant and would always leave a smile on my face.

So here's a breakdown of my top 5 strips from it:

5.) Ghosts

This strip is just hillarious. I can't tell you how many times in the past when I was younger I would just scare the hell out of myself while sitting in my bed by thinking about a question similar to this one. Not to mention the pacing and the final scene of both Calvin and Hobbes just sitting outside of their tent with baseball bats, waiting for the sun to come up so ghosts wouldn't kill them in their sleep. Classic.

4.) Over Population

I love this strip just for the fact that you see a guy's back just get blown apart on a Sunday morning comic strip. Plus I guess there's some good social commentary thrown in there as well.

3.) Don't you wish everyday were summer?

This became more subjective to me as I entered the work force a few years back. Christ I miss summers. I miss having those long months off where I could just sit around doing nothing and having fun. This strip kind of exemplifies that, and also it has another example of Hobbes just rubbing Calvin's face in it, which is always funny. That look Hobbes just gives him while almost cramming their faces together is hysterical, I'm a big advocate of not needing to use dialogue 24/7 in a story and this was a perfect example of that.

2.) Hobbes knocks the shit out of Calvin


I would always love the way Hobbes would deck Calvin, thereby "welcoming" him home. It always looked like Calvin had just survived a bomb going off or something. Always great for a laugh.

5.) The Finale

The final strip. Really, no better way to send off the comic than this. Touching and brought a tear to my eye the first time reading it.

Being a Scooby Doo Villain Has Got To Suck

I'm not even talking about the fact that you get your ass handed to you by a motley crew of misfits, potheads, and a talking dog, I'm talking about the actual act of having to haunt shitty places in heavy rubber suits.

Yesterday, I had a show in Vienna VA that was at the "Counter Culture Festival" which was located, surpisingly enough, to an actual Culture Festival. I use the word Culture loosely for the "Culture Festival" as it was more just like a regular festival with rides, fried food, and carnies. Horrible horrible carnies.

So myself and the other comedians there (Jake, Aparna, Tyler, and Hampton for those keeping score) discussed the implications of having to haunt some shitty carnival for the rest of eternity. Thinking about it further, this led to the inevitable comparison with Scooby Doo villains who are usually stuck haunting carnivals, shitty old mansions, and what not.

Imagine you have just discovered that there is a large amount of gold buried underneath the local carnival that has just rolled into town. Rather than go to the city counsel and ask for help in retrieving said gold, receiving a small finders fee, it has come to your attention that scaring the shit out of small children and obese families is the way to go about this. So, you decide to whip up a costume of Evan Valentine in ten years, as seen below:

And get to work on claiming your gold. Things do not go as planned however.

You are now stuck haunting the shittiest place in the world. You have started to go deaf from the constant blaring of the music from Foreigner on a regular basis. You are getting ridiculously fat from only being able to eat funnel cakes and cheesesteaks. No one is really afraid of you because the carnies are way more hideous than you could ever hope to be and so you're ghastly moans and grunts fall on deaf ears, much like your own. But fuck it, YOU NEED YOU SOME TREASURE! You ain't going back to that wife who won't stop talking about her case of the gout and that job where you have to clean the stalls of the local porno store. No sir! Time to strap up and put on that Fishman suit.

Finally, someone begins paying attention to you in the form of a stoner, a jock, a hot chick, a bookworm and a talking dog. You're so giddy that you begin doing what you do best, scaring the shit out of them and slipping on banana peels.

Eventually though, right as you feel that you've managed to outwit the young group of teens after dodging their final trap, the talking dog will accidentally push you into the cotton candy machine where you will find yourself unable to move due to the delicious, yet fast sealing apoxy treat. You have been undone.

The cops arrive on the scene and you are charged with "felony count of putting on a goofy costume and scaring people, minor felony for public irritation of a talking dog, and seventy three counts of attempted murder." Yeah, I forgot to mention that when you try to shove a barrel over a stoner's head, that isn't too kindly viewed by the local police department.

All you can say before the police take you to the van where they will savagely beat you for dressing up like "one of them city monster folk." is "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those kids and their otherworldy dog who has the ability to form coherent thought and reason." The kids and the police have a laugh, now its off to jail for you where you will be viciously raped, in costume no less, and do anything you can to become a part of the gang of guys locked away who were also put away for wearing halloween costumes, known ironically enough as "The Scoobies".

Be sure to watch out for Big Steve, he may be the leader but thats just because he's the craziest guy in there:

I'm absolutely terrified that Terminator 4 will suck

Christ am I worried. Its been awhile since I've worried about a movie not living up to at least half of my expectations as this one.

After having seen Terminator 3 and finding it to be kind of passable, when rumblings of Terminator 4 started happening, I was hesitant. That sort of went away when I found out that a.) It would take place in the dystopian future of Man vs Machine and b.) Christian Bale was going to be John Connor.

Now nothing against Nick Stohl, the guy who played him in Terminator 3, he's a great actor. I dug him in Carnivale, but I don't think he was right for who John Connor was. John Connor, as I saw him and many others saw him, was the leader of men. He was the guy who, despite being a messed up kid who hated authority, grew up to be the commander and chief of the resistance, grabbing rookies from the ground, shaking them off, and shoving a gun into their hands while blowing a T-800 apart with a grenade. He's Captain fucking America. Christian Bale can pull this off, Nick Stohl really couldn't.

So needless to say, I thought that they were taking a step in the right direction, but then I started hearing some things like "All action, no substance." and things of that nature. Kind of disheartening to be sure. But let me explain to you people reading why my expectations are a little high on this one and thats due to Terminator 2.

I saw Terminator 2 in the theaters as my dad took me to see it, deciding that this would be the first R Rated movie I should see to put hair on my chest (Well Played Dad.) I had no idea what Terminator was exactly before I went into that theater but God damn it if it didn't slam the concept into my face like a fist when the movie started:

This was the future:

Judgement Day. Where everything you know and loved has been fire bombed to death. If you were unfortunate enough to survive that, you became a part of the war. A war in which humanity was getting its ass handed to it.

We were out numbered. We were getting decimated. Our firepower was the equivalent of a pea shooter against a rocket launcher. The machines never slept. Never stopped and would just keep coming after you until you were dead. The remaining members of humanity only found rest in their shattered, torn hovels which were underground and were basically crappy shanty towns.

When you thought you were safe, Skynet would send a Terminator who looked identical to a regular person, and that "person" would just lay into everyone near him with a gattling gun. Good luck trying to ever feel safe ever again because it isn't happening.

Welcome to manhood Evan Valentine, proceed to have your teeth kicked in by watching the screen.

Which leads me to why I am just a little bit more than worried when I started seeing previews for Salvation. I never really got that feeling of "This is the end of the world, and we are hopelessly fighting a losing battle that we will never win."

I'm hoping I'm wrong. I'm hoping that despite all the bad reviews that have been coming out, that it will still manage to be a great movie unto itself (Not Terminator 2 mind you, but at least half that would make me happy).

We'll see though.

Being Tall is Lame

I'm 6'6. That is way above the norm when it comes to height. Its ridiculously tall. Everyone seems really jealous of the fact that I tower over most people but let's look at the downsides.

1.) I constantly get asked whether I played or still play basketball. Due to a bum knee and the fact that I'm whiter than Casper the Friendly Ghost, B-ball was never in the cards. I have played but being Irish seems to negate the ability to play hoops for me and most others.

2.) I scare people. This can be good and bad. Bad in the fact that I'm a big stupid puppy dog if you know me, so I really wouldn't ever feel the need to be terrifying. Good in the fact that if I'm walking through DC alone in any part of the city, I always feel pretty sure that I won't get mugged. Sometimes I think when I say something like, "Oh and could I please have a few napkins with that?" people are actually hearing, "I will grind your childrens' bones to dust to make my bread! URUKAI!!!!"

3.) Shitty knees. I've popped my knee out of place like a hundred times and its due to my being tall and thus being more susceptable to it.

4.) Having to sit in seats like on airplanes or the metro. These seats weren't made with tall people in mind. I'm constantly having to move my knees to the side or look ridiculous sitting in these seats made for no one over 5'10. Ugh.

5.) If I was on the run from the police, they could instantly find me from anywhere at all times. I could just hear the police radio now.

"Be on the lookout for a 6'6 white....no wait I see him. Get the tear gas."

6.) I constantly hit my head on things. Its so annoying. But again, doorways and street lights were made for the shorter people of the world.

7.) I would be instantly shot in Japan for fear I was one of their mythological monsters of yore, like Godzilla or Nixon.

So while there are advantages, I wouldn't mind being at a nice 5'10 or so.

Oh and also, ANUPAMA IS AWESOME!

*Note, Anupama being awesome is the expressed opinion of Evan Valentine due to her insistence on being mentioned in the blog under threat of withholding her free job booze.*

Jon and Kate Plus Evan!

Hello everyone. So last night I managed to watch my very first episode of "Jon and Kate plus 8" and, using my comedic connections, was able to have an interview with this famous couple to talk about a few things with them. Here's the transcript of this fun interview:

Evan: Good morning Jon! Good morning Kate!

Kate: Why did you say his name first?

Jon: *Loud snoring*

Kate: WAKE UP! Christ he's AAALLLWAAYYSSS doing this.

Jon: What? What happened? Are the kids dead?

Evan: We're doing our interview, remember?

Jon: Oh....*looks around*....are you sure?

Kate: JONATHAN!

Jon: I NEED TO SLEEP KATE! OK? I NEED SLEEP! I SLEEP FOR 45 MINUTES A NIGHT!

Evan: Ok, well let's move things along, so how do you guys like having 8 kids?

Jon: Its great. Best thing that ever happened to me. *rolls eyes*

Kate: What was that?

Jon: What was what?

Kate: You rolled your eyes didn't you?

Jon: I never said that.

Kate: But you did! I saw you!

Jon: Here we go.

Kate: If you didn't want to have 8 kids, we shouldn't have used the turkey baster in the bedroom!

Jon: YOU MADE ME USE IT! YOU MADE ME! I wanted to be a rock star! Did you know that Evan?

Evan: Uhhmm No I didn't.

Jon: Yeah! *eyes light up* Here, take a look at this picture. *hands Evan an old picture of himself and a motley crew, all of whom are wearing business suits, playing various instruments*

Evan: The...Asian Persuasion?

Jon: That was my band! We played bar mitzvahs, weddings, and church gatherings. We were the tits man! You should have seen us in our prime....you know before....*eyes over to Kate* this happened.

Kate: Oh right Jon! RIGHT! Your band was really going to make it! Your best song was "Eye of Pat Morita" AND IT WAS TERRIBLE!

Jon: IT WAS GOLD! *lifts hand as if to slap Kate, Kate quickly decks Jon* AAA! AAA!

Evan: *Puts picture away* Ok well we're getting off on a tangent again. How has the new stardom really affected your lives? I hear the show is a big success.

Kate: Its great. Half the fun is being recognized on the street and telling couples how to live happy marriages with one anot...

Jon: Sometimes I like to....

Kate: *glares at Jon* You interrupted me Jon. What did I tell you about interrupting me? *cracks knuckles*

Jon: Oh God please no Kate. Not in the face! My looks are all I have.

Kate: HA!

Jon: Why do you belittle me so? You know what she said to me once Evan? You know what she said?

Evan: *nervously responds* Nooo?

Jon: She says she likes her men like she likes her acting roles for Jeffrey Tambor, balding and slowly dying on the inside! She rips my hair out when I'm asleep! I KNOW SHE DOES!

Kate: That's a lie!

Jon: She replaced my rogaine with string cheese!

Evan: That can't be good.

Jon: No it isn't! I get chased by dogs!

Evan: So let's talk about your kids a little bit more, how are they doing?

Kate: They're doing great. Little Aiden rode his first bicycle yesterday.

Jon: Is that the gay one?

Kate: Johnathan, I SWEAR TO GOD!

Jon: Don't get mad at me Kate! Don't you dare! I have no idea which is which anymore. Ok? You tell me to make lunch for Aiden and so I give it to one of the girls and I find out that that's actually one of the boy's names! How can I keep track of all of this? Its not possible! There's 8 of them Evan! 8! That's 4 times 2! That's 8 times 1! That's enough children to build a pyramid!

Kate: If you bring up the pyramid idea again, so help me.

Jon: She never listens to my ideas! I tell her that we should have the children build a pyramid like back in the time of ancient Egypt so we can always be remembered for our great parenting skills. Is that insane? HUH?

Evan: Well actually....

Jon: Oh really? *Jon looks down for a minute and contemplates in silence* My bad.

Evan: *ruffles anxiously through question cards* All right....ok....so what do you two like to do in your spare time?

Kate: I'm sorry I don't understand the question.

Evan: What don't you understand about the question?

Kate: What is "Spur time"?

Evan: Spare time....*Kate shrugs her shoulders*Its time you have to yourselves.

Kate: Oh...haha...of course. Well I like to breath during my free moments.

Jon: I like to look on google for painless methods of suicide. You wouldn't happen to have any apricots on you do you? Because I hear....

Evan: MOVING ON! *ruffles through cards again* I know there's been some trouble between you two recently with the whole "cheating" ordeal.

Kate: Yes well....nobody's perfect.

Jon: We are really trying to work out our problems. Its better for the kids this way.

Evan: Wow that's really great to hear. Do you think there will be more kids in the future?

Jon: What? WHAT? WHAT? NO! NOOO! NOOOOOO!

Kate: Jon gets a little nervous when he gets asked that question.

Jon: No I'm....*Jon begins loosening his tie*....I'm fine. Everything's going to be fine.....Is it hot in here to anyone else? It just seems hot to me.

Kate: Its room temperature to me.

Jon: It just seems really....I'm going to take off my pants *begins loosening belt*

Evan: I can't say thats something you should be doing.

Jon: I'm going to do it anyway. Ok. *takes off pants* You know what, its still blazing hot in here. I'm going to take off some other clothes.

Evan: What is he....?

Kate: Oh no, he's relapsing! Whenever Jon gets asked a question about more children, he thinks if he takes off all his clothes that the earth will somehow swallow him whole and take him away from this place! JOHNATHAN! PUT ON YOUR TIE!

Jon: ITS SO HOT IN HERE! EVERYTHING IS SO....TAKE ME AWAY! TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS PLACE! *Jon begins frantically ripping off his garments.* TAKE ME AWAY! I DON'T WANT ANYMORE KIDS! SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS LIFE!

Kate: JOHNATHAN! YOU STOP THIS NONSENSE IMMEDIATELY!

Jon: Asssiiiaannnn PERSUASION! Rocking the world with an oriental groove!

Kate: Oh christ he's relapsing!

Jon: Asian PERSUASION! Our gyrating hips are silky smooth!

Evan: I'm going to....go now.

*Kate begins slapping a naked Jon, singing the start of "Eye of Pat Morita" as Evan leaves*

That Red Headed Freak Archie is getting married!

Yes, Archie Andrews, that red headed freak from the funny books, is apparently getting married. Ok a couple things to start off.

First, isn't Archie like perpetually 15 years old or some shit? And he's getting married already? Does he live on the Bible Belt? I always forget where Riverdale is located exactly so I guess that could be the case.

Secondly, is Archie retarded? For some reason, every hot girl in Riverdale wants to bone this kid due to the fumes from a toxic chemical spill or something, thats really my only guess as to why this is the case, and he wants to settle down with one? Pashaw. Ridiculous. Preposterous.

Third, shouldn't Archie have died of Sexually Transmitted Diseases years ago?

Fourth, He's fucking 15....AGAIN! He can't support a wife or a family with his paper route! In no time at all, he'll be blowing Mr. Witherbee behind the dumpster at the Malt Shop for a little spare change.


Ok, well aside from those points, lets diagnose exactly who Archie may propose to from the list of possible suspects.


1.) Betty
Now that my friends is commitment. Betty is the usual "go to girl" whenever someone is asked between Betty and her arch rival, who we'll get into in a bit. Now she's a little shy and she's rough around the edges, but she's a girl who you can bring home to mother. Unfortunately, I think for the most part she'd be about as fun as a bucket of rocks to hang out with in general, but hey love conquers all. The second she screams out "Palin in '12!" Archie needs to book it fast and not look back. That youthful appearance isn't going to last forever sir, so you'd better cover your bases.



2.) Veronica

Who could forget Veronica? The evil one of the two stable choices for Archie. Evil because she's rich. And she's got black hair. Yep, evil. With her, you aren't marrying a smoking hot wife, you're marrying a smoking hot bank account. No question, she will forget about you as soon as you slap a wedding ring on that finger and start banging the starting lineup of the '96 Dallas Cowboys but hey, you're rich now too and I know Archie wouldn't be stupid enough to sign a prenuptual agreement on this one. So....Cha Ching!


3.) Cherry

Now I don't know who this is exactly, but she has the clap. NEXT!


4.) Big Ethel

Jesus Christ! Good God that is probably the most depressing thing ever. I think after attempting to rape Jughead, the next step in Ethel's master plan is to eat a bullet. She's never been really into Archie, so I suspect she's the only chick on the face of that fictional world not affected by his charms or she's secretly a man. Speaking of Jughead....

5.) Jughead

You know I couldn't finish this out without making the obligatory gay joke. I really don't see this happening, but not for the reasons you think. I think that if it ain't food, Jughead isn't interested. He is an asexual eating machine who strangely enough never gets fat. How odd. I can only imagine him on Friday nights.

"Hey Jughead, want to go get some pussy?"
"That's a funny way of saying hamburgers you asshole!"

Such is life. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

My Secret Shame

So I'm a creative person. I think we can all agree on that fact. I've been doing comedy for a few years now. I've been a part of a band that rules the world known as "The Champions". I have even created a graphic novel that has yet to see publication, which I need an artist for and I need to work on my pitch, etc etc. There is one thing however that I have worked on and created that I think will leave my mark on the world. Its something that I created a little while ago that has been evolving and growing in my head as time goes on and the longer it goes, the more intricate it becomes.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am in the process of writing a rock epic musical comedy thing that will last between 90 to 120 minutes.

This rock epic is called, "Thor!"

Let me fill you in on the story behind this. Back in the time when the Champions recorded in the basement of the parents of one Mr. Joseph Gonzalez, we came up with a number of ideas that we thought would be great to record. A few of these included the now legendary: Jacob McGillicuddy, Power Rangers: 15 Years Later, and Now Now Now Three Times!

We were in a brainstorming session outside, smoking cigs and discussing what our next recording should be, as we now had the use of one Adrian K on the guitar. We talked about wouldn't it be funny if three random kids came upon Thor, the God of Thunder! This then morphed into the story of Thor coming down to earth and getting a job in a crappy burger place.

We went inside and proceeded to start playing our instruments, mine being my voice as I supplied the voice of the bellowing Thor. Markian Dobczansky supplied the theme for Thor, which is now burned into my mind. We recorded the track in one take, and I'll never forget the fact that we did a 15 minute song with no screw ups in one take with no rehearsel or script writing, the stars were just aligning that day my friends.

And thus, Thor was born.

Thor yelled at his father Odin, played by Chris Brooks, about how he did not understand "the mortals" and proceeded to go to the unemployment office, destroying the line of people in front of him. He is then assigned to the "Burger Hut" where, in a timid voice (after his hammer is replaced with a spatula), wonders, "What hath become of Thor?"

The song ends with Thor regaling a small boy with the horrifying story of the "Battle of Lokthar" which was appropriate for NO one and Thor finds himself destroying the world after destroying the burger hut and flexing.

The Champions have performed Thor one time live and due to the loss of our bass player, we've had some trouble in recording new material and re performing Thor.

Thus began the writing of what I am hoping will eventually be made into a small play of some kind. "THOR! - The Musical" will follow the same basic story as the original song, with added in characters and scenarios (Two new songs I have written are "My woman be a hammer!" and "Loki unleashes the rape goblins!")

So look for the following to happen in the future from this: I will write this musical and work on performing it with anyone I can find to help out in it in the distant future in an art house or stage that can be cheaply rented or I will continue the search for a band to record this song and help me perform the 15 minute version live.

Regardless, expect to see "Thor!" at some point in time.

How to deal with them blues!

Its been a rough couple of days for your old pal Evan. I've been in the dumps and so I thought I'd tell you what I do when I'm getting a "case of the gloomies". I do what Barney Stinson does.

"When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story."

Life is too short to be blue and mopey. The world is great big place and I get to make fun of everything about it on a stage in front of people, who could ask for more?

But anyway, here's a list of things that I personally adhere to in order to make myself be awesome:

1.) Be like unto Drago.

Yes the villain from Rocky 4, Ivan Drago, didn't take crap from anyone but most importantly, he worked out on a constant basis to make himself a Russian superman, with the ability to kill people wearing the American flag with his fists!

....But more realistically, the working out part. A couple months back, I joined a gym and am paying a ungodly amount in monthly gym fees which forces me to get off my lazy ass and stick to a training regiment. 3 miles a day, lifting, crapping out steel!, etc etc. So in a couple of months, I hope to look like the Irish version of Drago, who I dub, Drago O'Schaunnessy.

2.) Write standup comedy so I can go apeshit on a stage!

Yes, writing comedy is a great way to pass the time and being sad makes you a better comedian! Its true and 9 out of 10 doctors agree! And when I'm too old to get up on a stage, I will turn into one of these two men:

3.) Put on a red power ring and have the energy burn out my insides which I wll then vomit out in rage!Ok, no not really. I just wanted to be a gigantic geek for a second there.

4.) Drink! Yes there's nothing like being an uncouth drunkard to knock those spirits of yours up. I prefer to get mine from Old Timey Pete's Blindness Distillery, as shown here:

But in all seriousness folks, we all get down and out from time to time. Granted we can stew in it and be depressed and mopey and what not, but I prefer to kick ass. And that is what I am saying to you, go out into the world and kick ass. Kick ass everywhere that you can in everything that you can. Kick ass while drinking your morning cup of coffee. Kick ass while driving your car to get a wash. Kick ass while fighting a bear!

Kick ass in life!

Where do Comedians get their jokes? The Secret Revealed!

Usually, when I'm at the bars and meeting new people, I get the same questions,

"Oh you're a stand up comedian? How about telling us a couple of jokes? Where do you come up with your jokes?"

I thought I would use this opprotunity to really give you an in depth analysis of the answers to these questions. Well actually, the last question, I can answer the first two questions easily.

1.) Yes.

2.) No.

Of course I am a stand up comedian, I just said so. You heard the words that came out of my mouth and if you didn't, well then you should have been listening harder. I say, "no", to telling jokes outside of the stage because well, telling jokes in a crowded bar without a stage or directly at one person is rough. No one's ever REALLY paying attention and you're having to battle against everyone elses' voices in the joint. Its only ever worked ONE time where I legitimately had a great response and that was in college for some Towson girls who then took a picture with me, God bless them.

Now, let's get down to the nitty gritty. How do I come up with my material? Well there are a number of ways but I find the most effective way of coming up with great jokes is to do what most comedians do, and that of course is to fight the legendary cave troll of KrathaDOOM!

Yes, Shecky the Cave Troll has lived in the lower bowels of the darkest recesses of mankind's domain for untold milennia, giving jesters and wordsmiths their inspirations throughout history. Needless to say, overcoming Shecky is difficult and a trial the likes of which few have ever seen.

Finding him is half the challenge as his location is a secret only solved through the following riddle:

"Come find me in a place of rock and bird, where Big Beef and Cheddar is procured!"

This of course refers to the dumpster behind the Arby's on Rockville Pike. Come on people, stay with me here. Now, Shecky is one tough customer so you always need to be prepared with "comedy" weapons that include the following:

1.) Fake Clown Nose

2.) A setlist

And of course,

3.) A Gun.

Now, once you have overcome Shecky, he is obliged to give you three jokes on the topics of your choosing so its best to think carefully. The first time I beat Shecky down I said the following,

"Give me a joke about Oprah!"
"What is an Oprah?"

Thus began the long process of informing Shecky who Oprah was, what her relevance was to the world, and so on and so forth. Shecky then replied:

"Oprah's thin, then she's fat, its almost like she's on Weight Watchers in reverse! Eh? Eh?"

It was time to beat Shecky more severely this time. The trick to this cave troll is that he supplies comedy to everyone so the harder you pummel him, the better your jokes will be. After explaining the premise of the Wizard of Oz to Shecky, he supplied me with my, now legendary, "Wizard of Oz bit" after he was done spitting out his molars.

So remember, if you want to be a stand up comedian just like your old pal Evan, find Shecky and beat him mercilessly for jokes.

Go Fuck Yourself Barry Allen!

Go on! Get out of here! No one wants you here! Get offa my lawn with your bow ties and your ability to run faster than the speed of light! GO ON!

Listen its not you, its us. We've moved on. You had some good stories but you were before our time and we learned to love somebody else. His name's Wallace. Yes I know, he's your nephew and everything but he's just like you, only....you know....interesting.

And your track record as the Flash isn't exactly the greatest thing in the world.

Great, now the Abraham Lincoln of the future is dead. Way to go Barry, great job. Way to stand there and watch instead of you know running and doing something about it.

You just....and I really wasn't going to go here but you've forced me to.....you just can't do anything right. I don't know what's to be done with you. You just keep disappointing everyone at every turn and its starting to get more than a little embarassing.

Wow, as if things couldn't get any worse, now the psychic gorilla is telling me that he's stolen your clothes. So now you're out there naked, bringing even more shame to your family and friends. Wonderful. Terrific. Spectacular. No really good job. Wow, its so great to have you back Barry.

Even more insult to injury, the Reverse Flash is now banging your girlfriend disguised as you. Ouch. He's the reverse of you so she probably figured out he wasn't you pretty quick when he wasn't asking her to borrow money or biting his toe nails at her in laws' house in front of them or using his super speed in the bedroom.

You're a police detective Barry, you should really solve the mystery of why you suck at life. Maybe its because you wear a bow tie. Mystery solved. Flash Fact.

The NEW West Virginia

So West Virginia has started a new ad campaign and boy is it exciting. As having had a house in the Shenandoah mountains with my folks when I was younger, I can tell you that this new ad is 100% guaranteed to show one and all the spirit of this glorious place.

So without further ado, here is the new ad campaign for West Virginia!

Earth Girls Are Easy: A Guide to Dating Aliens

Good morning all you lucky bachlerottes,

Boy do I have an exciting entry for you today! I know that some guys on earths can be dicks, so I'm going to offer you something different. That's right, its time for you to meet the right man who isn't a man at all. Its time to start dating some aliens and we're going to take a look at the pros and cons of each of these lucky bachelors right here and now (Thanks to Mr. Crawley for this idea by the way).

Off we go! Name: Alf

Pros: Humorous, Has a loving relationship with family (so that means he can have a loving relationship with you!), can drive a car, has his own pad (which is a laundry room), hairy.

Cons: Will eat your cat, very insensitive, not quite sure he has genitals.

Name: ET The Extra Terrestrial

Pros: He's got magic fingers (no really they're magic, they glow and fix shit), loves candy, can make your bike fly, loves everything.

Cons: Definitely no genitals, hangs out with kids a little too much, never wears clothes, fugitive from the US government, possibly retarded.

Name: Alien

Pros: Will get you pregnant in under a week so he's not afraid of commitment, in good shape (a steady regiment of goring marines keeps him fit), has a tinier version of himself in his mouth (Uhhhmmm, I guess thats a good thing?)

Cons: Will kill you through pregnancy or through stabbing or through goring or through decapitation or through the tinier version of himself in his mouth.

Name: Superman

Pros: Your parents will love him, he actually looks human, can leap tall buildings in a single bound, he's faster than a locomotive.

Cons: Your parents will love him, he's already married (You'll have to be his super mistress), he's faster than a locomotive....in bed!, constantly called away to "save the world" but we know what he's really doing (partying with super whores!).

Name: Yoda

Pros: One with the force, he is a monster in the bedroom, he's mature unlike those younger guys.

Cons: His talking is all fucked up, his clothes are so last century, won't stop telling you that you're heading down a dark path to the dark side, short!

Slasher Movies

This topic was requested by the ever talented Mr. Chris Piers, so give the man a round of applause.

For those who don't know, the "slasher" movie is basically a movie where a group of people, usually teenagers, go up against a maniacal villain who disposes of most of the group of protagonists in inventive and/or horrifying ways. When I was 10 years old, I ate this stuff up so I'm always going to have a certain affinity for them in my life, regardless of how bad they are, and trust me, in this genre, they can be pretty fucking bad.

What are some examples of great "slasher" movies you may ask? Well there's Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Child's Play, etc.

For the most part, these movies are watched more based on the "slasher" themselves than the cast of poor victims who get the axe. Its funny to think about, because if the audience isn't relating to the victims, does that mean that people are seeing these to relate to the killers themselves? Its kind of a strange psychological question that we as a society will sometimes root for the homicidal guy with a burnt face and fedora over a teenage girl with daddy issues.

Unfortunately, for every good movie in the genre, there are literally a hundred crappy ones. Case in point:Like many things in life, making these movies isn't exactly rocket science so its tough to see the sheer percentage of downright awful ones that come out on a regular basis. A slasher movie is just made to be a good time, a date flick where the guy can have an excuse for the girl to grab his arm frantically as Michael Myers walks slowly after Laurie Strode, or in the case of gay couples, for them to flippantly mock Leatherface for wearing shoes that are "so last year" (I'm a comedian, ba ding tsss).

Is the sheer number of these awful flicks being made slowly killing the genre? Doesn't seem like it. The new approach seems to be remaking classic franchises with the same characters and storylines but new actors and situations. I thought they did a bang up job with the new Friday the 13th but I think that they completely missed the mark with Zombie's Halloween.


And every once in awhile, some of these low budget, direct to DVD movies will actually really surprise you and make something great. Such was the case with "Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon".




Its a very interesting concept about a "slasher in training" and really puts the genre on its ear. Its not only a great slasher movie, its a great movie and maybe thats how the genre has to be approached from here on in. The more compelling you make the victims and the more interesting you make the story, the more it will resonate with those watching and a better time can be had by all. We aren't talking Shakespeare, but if movie makers put effort into what they're doing, it shows.


But are slasher movies good horror movies? I'd say no. I think that they do a great job for what they're designed for, giving quick shocks to audiences, but the sign of a great horror movie is one that stays with you, that really makes it tough for you to sleep, and really gets under your skin. These are few and far between nowadays it seems (as you could see from my Netflix queue, I'm on a constant search for movies that will really terrify me)

So in the future, I'll still be looking out for good horror movies and good slasher movies, like diamonds in the rough.

Update:

Duh. How silly of me. I completely forgot to share with everyone what I think really is the scariest "slasher" movie of all time. As I mentioned, generally, most slasher movies don't really come across as scary, to me anyway. But there was one slasher movie that scared me so bad when I was 11 years old, that I couldn't sleep. I could barely be in a room alone by myself for about a week. Most importantly, I could never EVER look in a mirror. To this day, it still kind of creeps me out whenever I think about it.

Candyman. Sweet mother of crap, Candyman. No "slasher" movie terrified me more than this. If you haven't seen this before, get your significant other, turn off the lights, and prepare to be scared shitless.

Maybe it was the fact that the movie started with the antagonist telling you directly that he was going to murder you who was watching or maybe it was the whole "urban legend" feel of it or the fact that the kills were downright horrific and brutal. Certainly the fact that Clive Barker of Hellraiser fame having a hand in this made it much more scary. Regardless of the reason, the movie simply horrified me.