Evan Fixes Health Care

Hello everyone,

So times are tough. The Health Care System in our country is broken, while the third world country that is Canada is somehow supplying free health care to their citizens. How is this possible? Where did America fail? Is it because we don't like hockey? Maybe its due to our lack of syrup?

Well I'm going to tell you a surefire way for the US to supply each of our citizens with a rock solid plan that we can all follow for each of us to have a solid future in health care's kind arms in 5 easy steps. So here we go:

1.) Throw water on the Homeless to make them melt like they were the Wicked Witch of the West.

Yes according to my ex girlfriend (boy I wish I was joking about this one), Homeless people are akin to evil witches who, when doused with a hefty bucket of water, will begin to melt into the ground allowing for an America that is purely white and thus completely fixing the health care problems. Man Republicans from Ohio who also happened to draw up terrorist plots for some reason (REALLY WISH I WAS JOKING ON THIS ONE) sure do have a vast knowledge of what America needs.

2.) BEARS!



Have you ever seen a bear get sick? I haven't! Lets follow in the bear lifestyle and begin going to sleep for months at a time. I don't see claws on my fingers so obviously something is wrong. Maybe if we were to lay on our backs and growl at salmon, we may never get sick again? Think about it.

3.) Get REALLY drunk!



Because if we're really drunk all the time, there is no way that anything can hurt us. One time I stubbed my toe while hammered and it only kind of hurt. BAM!

4.) Talk about sports. ALL THE TIME!



Hey remember how you got married when you were 21 and instantly went to get your law degree because you wanted to take the easy way out and have a lot of money but also have the most mundane life of anyone ever? Looking at forms from day to day, slowly watching your body decay into nothing while the woman you married slowly drifts further and further away from you because you got hitched at such a young age that you hadn't really developed into the person that you were meant to be? HEY DEREK JETER HIT A HOME RUN! Time to talk with all your friends about it who are in the exact same situation that you're in. United in your silent depression. Rather than trying to foster your creative side or put any thought into making an impact in the world, its time to discuss the achievements of others ad nauseum.....Oh wait what's that? Oh right health care. Uhhmmm. Shit.

5.) Become the Incredible Hulk



Follow these easy steps and you will never be sick again.

Whatever Happened to the Evan of Tomorrow or Halloween Has Come Again!

Hello Boys and Girls! Its been awhile huh? Where have I been you may ask?

Well to lay it down in easy to digest bites, I moved to a new place, recorded lots of new stuff, did some comedy shows, put in relationship time, did massive amounts of 9 to 5 work, finished my Thor musical, and am now trying to adjust to all the goings ons.

Anyway, I thought I would take this opportunity to recommend a movie I had seen recently with a friend who managed to get a screener copy of this flick that I had been anxious for on and off for the better part of 2 years. Now before I say what this movie is, I want to tell you something about me when it comes to horror movies. As a child, I grew up fucking LOVING horror movies. I loved Jason, I loved Freddy, I loved Pinhead and Chucky and Michael Myers. It was weird but even at 11, I can still remember these guys scaring the crap out of me and my tiny self loving every minute of it.

As I grew in years and each one of these subsequent sequels for these movies got worse and worse, except for Freddy vs Jason which I thought was amazing B-movie fun, and Hollywood seemed to take a strange approach with horror movies. Something happened where Horror movies weren’t made to scare people anymore, they were made to churn out a quick buck and thus were going to need to be tailored to everyone seeing the movie, from ages 10 to ancient. This caused a huge decline in the overall quality of horror movies.

Horror movies nowadays, if not a remake or a sequel, all follow the same basic formula, cast a bunch of pretty late teen or 20 somethings in a movie, put them in a dire situation involving a killer or maybe a ghost or something, sprinkle in some “shock” scares and you’re good to go. The problem with this is that we now have Saw part 7 and the fact that movies like this churn out big bucks make it all the more worthwhile for studios to not break the cycle.

Rest assured, this constant barrage of shitty horror cinema has sent me on something of a quest. A quest to find “good”, “recent” horror movies. Now what would you say is the ratio of “good” to awful horror movies that are released nowadays? One to ten? One to twenty? If we’re really going to be honest, I would say its something like One to Fifty. Out of every fifty horror movies that are released, whether it be on DVD or in the theaters, there’s one that is good. I’m not even saying its great, I’m just saying its good.

Well my friends, I’ve come here to tell you about a movie I’ve seen in the past week that completely blows away every horror movie that has been released in the past decade. This is a movie that, for some mind-boggling reason, was decided by the studio not to be released in theaters. There are many theories as to why this is, including problems with the investors, too much violence against children, not enough “star” power, etc etc, but you can be certain that Warner Bros made a huge mistake when they decided not to release this flick the way it should have. Instead, everyone will need to wait about another week to see Trick ‘R Treat.

What is Trick ‘R Treat you may ask? Its an anthology of sorts. The movie shows five different stories all taking place on Halloween night. I figure I’ll take the opportunity to delve a little further into each of them (For those worried about spoilers, don’t be, I’ll keep these as general as possible without getting into any specifics).

The first story revolves around a couple getting back from a Halloween party and perfectly sets up the pace and storytelling that the movie is going to convey. It also shows you how perfectly they seem to have molded a family Halloween story with gore and straight up terror. I came up with the analogy that this movie is what if that episode from the Adventures of Pete and Pete revolving around Halloween was merged with John Carpenter’s Halloween.

The second story revolves around a group of early 20s girls working on getting their friend laid at a Halloween party (See, they did manage to throw some in!) Anna Paquin is in this one and looks pretty damn amazing if I do say so myself. Now let me explain how each of these stories are laid out. You’ll be introduced to the characters and the scenario and then from time to time you will drift to another story and eventually make your way back to the original. All the stories themselves weave their way into the others, so while you could technically watch each one of these stories alone, watching the entire movie in one sitting makes you appreciate each tale even more.

The next story revolves around a high school principal who happens to have a few secrets in his closet, played by the talented William H Macy. This individual story wraps up with the great notion that this movie will lead you in one direction and make you think one way, and then instantly toss your original idea out the window and make you feel stupid for not thinking how the story would go down from the beginning.

The following story, and this by far is my favorite story of the bunch, revolves around five kids, a rock quarry, jack o’lanterns, and a story of a bus with some special children on board. This is the story that is not only terrifying, but is set up in such a way, that it really shows you how much passion the guy who made this movie had while creating it. There’s this amazing shot where the kids in their costumes are holding their jack o’lanterns and looking over the precipice of the quarry into nothingness that is just so God damn spooky and breath taking. Not to mention I think that the “accident” in the flashback during the tale is played with so much dread and so much anticipation, that when it delivers, and boy does it deliver, it just helps to reinforce how great a movie this is.

The next story revolves around Old Mr. Kriegg, played by Brian Cox and involves the “antagonist” of the film in Sam. Sam, who can be seen in the poster above, appears throughout most of the stories in some capacity, either as a witness or as a direct player in the story. Sam is basically a Trick or Treater who is looking for some candy and has a deep respect for Halloween, he also happens to be homicidal at times. And don’t worry, they show you what exactly Sam is, but trying to figure out where the fuck he could have come from or what the hell his origin is happens to be another story altogether.

Trick R Treat, a movie that is not a sequel and not a remake, reminds us that good horror movies ARE POSSIBLE, you just need a little originality and zombie children.

The Video Rental Store - A Thing of the Past

The video rental store. When we all have kids, and I guess some of you reading this may have already had some and in response to that, sorry that the condom broke, I find it interesting that a lot of things that we found standard will go the way of the dinosaur. Places like Blockbuster will be one of them. It seems so odd that we will not be able to tell our kids, "Do you remember a time when movies weren't directly installed into your brain? Also, do you remember when ants weren't the size of cars and we didn't need to fight them to survive? Good times. Good times. ANTS!"Anyway, I digress. Back to the subject of the video rental store, I've had a history with such stores. Before Blockbuster, I used to go to Erol's. Now if you all remember Erol's it was pretty much like Blockbuster, except sort of disorganized and instead of holding the movies on shelves, had all the VHS tapes on metal holders or something. Maybe this was just my Erol's but it was strange.

My parents would take me to Erol's about once a week and let me pick out one movie, that is until they started renting video games. I cannot tell you how it blew my mind to be holding a copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3: The Manhattan Project for the 8-bit Nintendo in my grubby little hands and realizing that I could play it for 5 days for free. I was flipping the fuck out. This was bad in the respect that renting out old Nintendo games didn't exactly work on the same level as renting out the cd and dvd games of today, oh no. Mostly because they were always in worse condition overall.

I clearly have a memory in my head of being 6 or 7 years old and flipping my shit when I saw that they had a "Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers" game for the old NES. I got the game, put it into the Nintendo, and the traditional red screen came up. I blew on the cartridge, put it back in, and again it didn't work but was coming through a little bit clearer. I remember that this was one of the first times in my life that not only did I swear, but I swore like a fucking sailor who just got crabs by the dock while on shore leave. My sister was sitting there waiting to play as Dale and asking,

"Why won't it work?"
To which I responded, "This fucking piece of shit! GOD DAMN IT! STUPID MOTHER FUCKING" for literally 10 minutes, swearing in between each time I would blow in the cartridge and slam the game back into the open slot. Eventually, I got the game to work and I played as Chip, because Dale had down syndrome, and threw apples at mechanical dogs. Fun was had by all. But the fact that the game didn't work right away had a small contribution to my constant swearing and bitter outlook on life, so thank you for that video rental store.

My first job ever was at a Mom and Pop Video rental store near my family's house on the mean streets of McLean VA (where the only way you could survive was by having six cars.) I was a sophomore in high school and worked about 30 hours every week over the summer, wearing a goofy white shirt and working behind the counter. The job was atrocious, sure we didn't get to watch movies on the screens while working like I had originally thought we would but we did get to take out movies for free once we signed them out as a consolation prize.

My boss was, how do I put this, a scum sucking asshole. He treated his employees like shit, paid them under the table so as to avoid paying taxes, and was very mean spirited all around. But Evan, you might ask, how can you prove this? Well good question. One day, I was working beside him at the counter, which I always dreaded, and he proceeded to get into a screaming match with a customer who had a late fee that the guy refused to pay that was like 4 dollars. My boss REFUSED to let this go and went so far as to follow the man outside and berate the man while he tried to get into his car. My boss tried to stop the man from leaving, while the man was driving, so in response, the guy slammed on his gas and barreled my boss through the window of the store.

Swear to God. He then proceeded to use that story to his advantage, talking about it constantly, almost posting a sign that said, "Hey I got hit through a window, rent my tapes!" Ok maybe not the latter but he might as well have.

Aside from my boss, the constant barrage of pissed off people helped in crushing my soul. I remember one guy came in piss ass drunk and once it was discovered that he had a huge overdue fee on Charlie's Angels, proceeded to berate me verbally and rip up his membership card, yelling, "I AIN'T NO FUCKING FAGGOT!".....Yeah. I will also always remember the case of a family that walked in with their two children.

One of the kids was a ten year old boy and the other was a six year old girl. The two parents wanted their kids to be able to write their address down on their own, so they used the video store and the membership applications as their "venue" for this "event". What followed had to be the weirdest fucking thing ever. First, the six year old girl wrote out her address in like a minute and proceeded to say, "All done!", meanwhile the ten year old boy was having some problems. The funny part was the kid was completely normal, there didn't seem to be any problems with him mentally from what I could tell which made this all the weirder. The ten year old proceeded to try to cheat off his six year old sister, to which his parents stopped him and said, "We aren't leaving until you write it."

This caused the boy to LOSE. HIS. SHIT. He ripped the paper apart and literally had a screaming temper tantrum in the middle of the store. I remember looking at this kid as he began chucking video tapes across the store and saying to the parents, "You know, he doesn't really need to fill out the membership application or anything."
"HE'S GOTTA LEARN! DAVID! DAVID YOU STOP IT!"

This went on for twenty more solid minutes.....TWENTY. MINUTES. David, the apocalyptic boy who couldn't write his own address at the age of ten, made me just a little more bitter that day.

Another horrific story was when I had taken out a free video, as we were allowed to do, in Varsity Blues. I hadn't seen it before so I rented it out, and watched it. Late on Saturday night, I got a call from my boss who was losing his shit because I had a copy of Varsity Blues out, "ITS THE STORE'S NUMBER ONE MOVIE!", and he demanded that I return it immediately or I would be fired. I rolled my eyes, got into my car from whatever I was doing, and returned the video. Arg the horror.

So anyway, I've had a love/hate relationship with the video store during my life. I feel that when Netflix came along, and we didn't have to put up with Blockbuster's crap on a regular basis, the store was doomed. I found it hillarious when Blockbuster created Blockbuster online to try and compete with Netflix. Their pitch might as well have been, "Hey, we're Blockbuster. If you don't rent from us, you ain't shit. Its just like Netflix but twice as expensive and much slower. But again, we're Blockbuster. The fuck you gonna do?"

It was even funnier when they put together their fail safe plan of "No Late Fees......kind of?" where you would rent out a video and get it for two weeks, BUT if you forgot to bring it back after those two weeks, you would have to pay the price of the video. Fucking brilliant Blockbuster. Bravo. Granted you could bring back the video and pay a "re-stocking fee" but again, that IS a late fee, so the whole concept is retarded.

So, while we may always remember Blockbuster, I'll glady take Netflix and Gamefly any day of the week. Also, I'll be ready for those damn ants.

Evan Writes Twilight

Keeping in mind that I know nothing about Twilight outside of it having vampires, teenagers, and is genuienly considered to be garbage. I have seen the trailer once or twice and have heard accounts of the movie itself from a few friends who have seen it, but generally don't know shit about the overall plot/characters etc, so I thought I'd take a swing at writing a chapter or two. Here we go:

Twilight Chapter 1: The Twilighting

Susan McAverage stepped out of her dad's Toyota Chevy Hardcore Truck, loaded to the brim with pictures of the United States and bottles of Jim Beam. Today was her first day of high school at the sleepy town of "Mysteryville" and as she was the first member of her family to attend a school of any kind, the responsibility of bringing the McAverage name into the light of day fell on her.

"Don't worry Dad, I'll make you proud."

"DON'T TOUCH MY TRUCK!"

Susan's father shoved her out of the truck and threw her backpack out of the opposite window, watching it tumble quickly down a nearby hill. He then took a swig of a bottle of Jim Beam, slammed his foot on the accelerator and began playing Ted Nugent's "Wango Tango" as loudly as he could.

"See ya later boner!" was the last thing he said before peeling out away from Susan and hitting a nearby lamp post. Susan smiled knowingly.

"That's my daddy." She thought as she brushed herself off and arose to her feet. The prospect of a new school was exciting to Susan, but she was nervous that she wouldn't fit in. What's a new girl with a size two dress size and a 36 double D chest supposed to do when everyone already knows each other? Susan was getting more nervous. She would need to do her best to fit in.

"Hey new girl!" Susan swung around with a big smile on her face, ready to accept the challenges of her new school, staring at a group of cheerleaders whose arms were crossed and looking directly at her. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Mysterytown."

"MysteryTOWN? Uggghhh. That means you're from the country! Countrygirl! We instantly hate you! Right girls?" The cheerleaders nodded in unison, looking at each other and shaking their pom poms in unison. "You are such a loser. You should wear a bonnet on that perfectly proportioned head on top of that dead sexy body with no real imperfections to speak of."

"Stop it! You're so cruel." Susan wept openly, the cheerleaders chewing their gum and laughing in unison. Susan, in her confusion, tripped like a person with Down Syndrome on a nearby ledge only to witness an oncoming delivery truck hurling straight toward her. The driver was too busy reading Des Cartes to notice that Susan was there! Oh no!

"So the meaning of life is perpendicular to the meaning of the soul and.....OH SHIT BANANA!" The driver yelled out as he tried to spin the delivery truck around but it was too late, Susan was done for. Or thats what she thought until she noticed a figure dart in front of her and place his hand over her shoulder while also extending out his arm, stopping the truck instantly.

"Are you all right?" The figure asked as Susan gazed deeply into his cold, black eyes. His hair stood up straight like a penis ready for some action, his breath smelled like flowers and other shit that girls like, his strong hands felt like they had been making sausage in an abandoned warehouse with a meat grinder for the better part of the day.

"I'm....fine. Wow, you stopped that truck with your hand!"

"Ain't no thang." The figure stood up and brushed off his shoulder, before giving the driver the evil eye and walking away.

"Wait! I need to know the name of the man who saved me." Susan cried out as the figure stopped and walked back toward her.

"My name....is DJ Vampire 'n Shit." DJ Vampire 'n Shit instantly put on his Berkley sunglasses and snapped his fingers like it didn't matter at all. He began walking away as Susan followed.

"DJ Vampire?" Susan asked.

"'N Shit Bitch! 'N Shit! Damn! Making a mother fucker repeat himself twice like. God damn! Ain't you got no sense of timing and dramaticy" DJ Vampire 'n Shit lit up a Newport, took one puff and threw it on the ground, just because he could.

"Sorry. My name is Susan. Susan McAverage."

"Well McAverage, if you want to survive in the town of Mysteryville, I would suggest you watch where you be steppin."

"Good advice, tee hee." Susan bit her lip and began playing with her hair, realizing that she would be late for school but not really caring. "So uhhhmmm do you like go to school here or anything?"
"I go to the school of the damned. I play kickball in the nether regions of human darkness and sorrow. I eat lunch in the cafeteria of longing and pain. I dissect frogs in the science lab of despair. I go to the prom in the gym of nihilism. After school I get picked up by my mom in the minivan of degradation and sin."

"Radical. I'm from the country."

"Pssshhh shit bitch, quit tripping all over my words like you got down syndrome." DJ Spoke as he brushed off his shoulder.....TWO TIMES!

"Sorry about that. So, how did you stop that truck? What are you?"

"I think you know what I am. Say it!"

".....Are you a Frankenstein?" DJ Vampire slapped himself in the forehead. "Oh no I know. You're a mummy. That's why you're so pale."

"I'm a vampire bitch! DJ Vampire n Shit. God damn! You got a case of the stupids or something?" Susan looked at him with a confused look, causing DJ to roll his eyes. "Man whatever. Listen you want to go hit up my car and do the deed 'fore you got to be a bitch and go to school?"

"But if you're a vampire who's a million years old, wouldn't that be considered pedophilia?"

"SHUT UP!"

"DJ VAMPIRE N SHIT!" A booming voice burst through the night air, because it was night now for some reason. "WE MUST HAVE WORDS!"

"WHO THAT IS?" DJ Vampire responded.

"IT IS I! YOUR BROTHER! "Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap"!"

"Oh shit, my brother Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap." DJ Vampire 'N Shit was astonished to see his brother Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap. The two brothers were almost exactly alike, but Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap was bigger, stronger, hair was taller, and was all around better looking than his younger brother.

"We must settle our age old conflict. After countless eons of struggle, this age old battle must end and only one of us may survive the night, which it is now......which makes complete sense."

"But how can we settle that shit?" DJ questioned.

"The only way we know how. By playing baseball....with our shirts off!"

"OH SNAP!"

End Chapter 1

"Shaq vs" Oh the humanity.

Shaq is a rich man. Shaq is a man who can play a great game of basketball. Shaq is not very good at other things, but believes himself to be, which makes for a pretty entertaining time whenever you watch him do....well....anything really. This is why I am really looking forward to the newest show that Shaq has in the works which is appropriately named, "SHAQ VS."

Shaq has decided that all who oppose him will be crushed, but not only crushed by either him pummeling them to death with his mighty fists or him schooling them on the courts in basketball, oh no, in order to dispense justice, Shaq will own all fools in their God given talents. Shaq will compete with Michael Phelps in a "Who can swim the fastest competition" Oh I can just see how this is going to go.

Future competitions will include: Football against Ben Roethlisberger, Tennis against Serena Williams, Beach Volleyball against Kerri Walsh, boxing against Oscar De La Hoya, and the ability to create life against God. Shaq may actually be able to wreck Oscar De La Hoya in boxing if you think about it and I bet God is quaking in his boots on the life thing.

I say to Shaq, why stop at sports and deity competitions? Why not show your dominance in all walks of life? Take on the greatest teacher in the world and teach HIM knowledge on the world of Shaq (which includes the Superman Symbol, Kazaam, and DUNKING SICK BASKETS!). Take on Barack Obama in a presidential contest by balancing the country's budget....BY DUNKING OVER HIM! There's an old woman across the street from me who says she can macromai herself a sweet tea cozy, beat her at her own game.....BY BRINGING IT TO HOLE! While we're at it, why don't you show Elton John that....

I was actually going to say beating him in a piano playing competition but good effort Shaq, eye of the tiger! I look forward to your future endeavors, and hope that when you, Shaq, become president of basketball, you'll remember the little people who made it possible, like me, writing this blog entry.

Green Lantern is a racist!

Wow. What an asshole that Green Lantern is. SO racist. Every time I see him, all I can think of is how he uses his ring at clan rallies and Republican conventions. We all seem to be missing out on the real threat here, which is those fucking purple skin assholes. Man, they are always getting into my business like, "Hey, I have purple skin. Back off! What you want man? Just mind your business. Just mind your business."


But Evan, you say, Green Lantern isn't a racist just cause that guy says so. You're right, he's a racist because he fights "villains" who are committing "evil" deeds. "Villains" like the aptly named "Black Hand".

Man, what a raw deal this guy got. All he was doing was looking for his car keys using lit up dildo he found in his grandmothers closet. He wears the costume with an arrow on the mask so he remembers how to put it on. Yes, not only is the Black Hand representing his pride in another race, he also has down syndrome. Wow, Hal Jordan just takes pot shots at everybody.

And when Black Hand couldn't find his keys to drive Mr. Green Lantern to the store to get a pack of smokes, what do you think Mr. Jordan did?Yep, he burned his hand off. Oh the irony is delicious and wrong.

But you know what Black Hand is going to be all right. He's an optimistic guy and surely the loss of his hand won't deter him from achieving his dreams. Right BH?

JESUS CHRIST NO! BLACK HAND! He was THREE DAYS FROM RETIRING! OH THE PAIN OF IT!

Listen, if you're offered a power ring that turns you into a space cop, do the right thing and don't let the power go to your head. And also don't be a small infant.

Evan vs. The Metro

Welcome to the District of Columbia Metro system, the fifth circle of hell for traitors and thieves. We will take you where you want to go, but get ready to be crammed into a sardine before you get there you hopeless bastard! Muhahahah!

Ok, maybe thats a little much but you get the general idea.

I've been taking the Washington DC Public Metro ever since I started going to high school at Gonzaga in downtown DC and have continued doing so for a good portion of my life and let me tell you, the metro is a gift and a curse rolled into one abominable package. Recently its been more like the fucking Bumble from Rudolph the Reindeer before getting his teeth kicked in.

Now recently, a really horrible accident took place in the Metro which was one train ran into another and caused a few deaths, numerous injuries, and an overall "holy shit, everytime the metro squeaks and creeks, that's probably rats eating the brake cables, thus ensuring our untimely demise".

In response to this, or possibly the fact that metro has a less number of trains due to crashes and lack of money, there is now one train that is running for all of DC. Ok this is an exagerration but what isn't an exagerration is that there is basically one train coming every ten minutes for everyone. Every. Ten. Minutes. This is during rush hour mind you. I have never EVER seen or been in more cramped quarters than the ones that have been created now due to this accident.

When will this clear up, when will more trains be acquired, and when will we get more than one train every lunar cycle? Who knows. All I know is that I'm getting into work thirty minutes later every day, crammed against everyone and that isn't exactly thrilling.

Life taught me to love, the metro has taught me to hate. Here are things I now hate thanks to the metro:

1.) Backpacks/luggage/etc.

Ever since they started putting wheels on all bags and luggage, everyone has decided to wheel their shit around behind them at all times. I guess this is the next step in human evolution as we begin to move further and further away from doing......anything really. These little nightmares have become such a hassle for everyone who is not carrying the actual luggage. This luggage now makes one person turn into the equivalent of three, pulling it behind them and causing people to trip and crash into the side of metro walls. We're getting off at Metro station people, I don't see an airport! Why are you carrying that friggin thing?!?

2.) The "Voice" of the Metro

You know, the "voice", the woman who robotically and unemotionally tells people on the metro what steps to take when it comes to drinking soda or not getting your legs chopped off by an out of control train car. I have heard, "Step back, doors closing *Bing bong*" so many times that I hear it when I go to sleep now, its carved into my brain. Not only that but the "voice" also tries to feed everyone paranoia every once in awhile. "Excuse me, is that your bag? Please ask someone near a bag this question." the voice says as I'm waiting for a train. I roll my eyes as the "voice" apparently thinks that places like Adams Morgan and Van Ness are constant terrorist hotspots where unattended bags are harbingers of death. You have more of a chance of being killed by bees than terrorists, so why doesn't the "voice" tell me to watch out for bee hives or shark attacks or falling coconuts?

It would be way more easy to swallow a lot of the "voice's" advice if it were actually a cool voice like the voice from the movie trailers or Curly from the Three Stooges. "Hey! Make sure your baby doesn't fall on the third rail or else goodbye baby!......Yuck yuck yuck."

3.) The Metro Drivers.

Now this can be 50/50 for the most part, but a lot of the time, doesn't it seem like they're sitting up in the front and fucking with people? I remember one day recently there was a report that people were getting sick on the train which was causing delays and I noticed why as the train proceeded to start moving, then stop, then start again, then stop, then start again, then stop, and again and again and again before even reaching the next platform. Its like a roller coaster.....of boredom and depression.

4.) My nose.

The horrifying smells of people is amplified when you're trapped in a car with everyone and can't even move. I never really knew what depression smelled like until the Metro. Someone literally farted right next to me this morning and my soul started to cry.

5.) People.

Nothing makes you appreciate humanity more than being squeezed to death by the masses on a speeding bullet. Its kind of a test of your humanity in a way when you're on the metro in trying to beat the "pack" mentality of it. Its a rough thing to say but its true in some ways. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people SPRINTING to get on a train only to be caught in the doors, causing them to stall, swing open, then slam shut again as the person wiggles their way into the car. Charming. Even before the accident and the trains, people would do this ad nauseum. Yes, we all want to get where we want to go, but honestly, can't you just wait for the next car, it'll be there in a few minutes.

One instance, I was crammed into a car in the morning and the doors swung open and a man in a suit stood outside of the car. Now, the man did not believe there could possibly be no room for him in the car, even having seen the evidence that everyone was to the point of not being able to breath and proclaimed, "Could everyone just move in so I could get on the train?" People kind of shrugged after he said this, which caused him to get red and the face and say, "Yeah that's right, don't say anything!" as he stood there tapping his foot against the platform. "Unbelievable!" At that point, I wanted to take the business suited man and cram his face into the armpit of the fat old lady next to me and yell, "HERE YOU CAN HAVE IT!" Oh sweet justice.

So for the record, until this whole mess is cleared away, I would highly recommend taking your car into work cause the metro is fucking clownshoes at the moment.