The Worst One Liner in Action Film History and How It Affects You

"Killian, Here's Subzero! Now....plain zero!"

Excuse me?

"Killian!"

"Here's Subzero!"

"Now...plain zero!"

What this? What this mean? Why has this happened?

The Running Man was a motion picture created by some movie company in the 1980s to accomodate Arnold Schwarzenager's (Misspelled, don't care) budding film career. It also allowed him to grow this SWEET beard *cigar not included.

What you didn't know is that it also included the worst one liner in the history of film, which I mentioned above. Now that you know the worst line in human history, you may be asking yourself, "How does one purchase a firearm for purposes of suicide?" or "If I burn the film, does memory of the film burn with it?"

Needless to say, we all experience the same sense of loss of self when reading hearing this one liner and we should all be comforted by the fact that we, by no choice of our own, need hear the line delivered again should you avoid the Running Man film.

Little known facts about this line include:

-A pact was made with Satan to create the worst one liner in human history, and once Satan created said line, he instantly wanted to reneg on the deal, fearing he had created an evil more powerful than himself.

-After delivering the line, Arnold's jaw fell off and he was rushed to a hospital where the use of more steroids created an entirely new jaw out of muscle and brawn!

-"Plain Zero" still makes absolutely no sense, as wouldn't plain be better than Sub. Don't think on this any further or your genitals will turn to dust.

-California's budget will never be the same after Arnold's time as governor, I blame the line!

Lion King Scandal Breaks

May 15th, 2013 - News Broke this Morning regarding Lion King Simba's drug rackateering charges after associate, Rafiki, settled for a plea bargain in revealing the information for a more lenient penalty in the third degree murder charge of his girlfriend, Rafiki The Girl one.

We have a transcript of the frantic phone call that took place only weeks ago:

*Rustling Noises as phone rings*

Simba: The fuck is...HELLO?

Rafiki: I'm high as a fucking kite man! I'm in some deep shit!

Simba: Calm down, calm down you piece of shit baboon! Are you on a secure line?

Rafiki: YOU THINK I WOULD BE CALLING YOU ON AN UNSECURE LINE AFTER I DID THAT MUCH COCAINE?

Simba: That's exactly what I think you bright assed asshole! That's exactly what I think! Jesus Christ...*Noise in the background*

Voice in the background (Confirmed to be Nala, Simba's now ex-wife): Simba. Simba come back to bed on this rock.

Simba: I'M ON THE PHONE! I'M ON THE DAMN TELEPHONE I HAD SPECIALLY MADE FOR MY LION PAWS! GO BACK TO SLEEP!

Voice: You go back to sleep you stupid bastard...sleep through your fucking kingship you piece of...

Rafiki: I FUCKED UP MAN.

Simba: Settle down! Stop screaming. Take a breath and tell me what happened.

Rafiki: As I mentioned before, I did a lot of cocaine and after doing all that cocaine, I was on something of a cocaine extravaganza.

Simba: Stop saying cocaine.

Rafiki: Am I saying cocaine a lot?

Simba: YES.

Rafiki: Ok, well I mean its just important that you know cocaine was involved. Anywhos, I had just done a lot of cocaine and my woman was screaming at me.

Simba: YOU have a woman?

Rafiki: YES. YES. I have a WOMAN. Is that so hard to believe? Ugly old Rafiki got himself some play on the side?

Simba: Yes, its unbelievable. My jaw is agape at the prospect in fact.

Rafiki: She's dead though.

Simba: Excuse me?

Rafiki: She's dead....

Rafikie The Girl One pictured above...

Simba: WHAT. DO YOU MEAN...SHE'S DEAD?

Rafiki: Well she was doing a lot of blow and started singing that new Justin Bieber song. So she's singing, and I tell her to shut up for a minute because I was high....high on cocaine.

Simba: I KNOW ALREADY.

Rafiki: All right man, all right. Chill your pill! Anyway, so I start waving my stick around trying to put a voodoo curse on her because I'm into that shit now and she starts hollering at me like I'm a little kid. 'Rafiki stop waving that stick in my face before I snap it off on your ugly bald head! BALD HEAD! BALD HEAD!" She kept pushing man!

Simba: What happened next?

Rafiki: *excessive sweating* So I did the only thing I could think of. I threw a whole bunch of cocaine in her face.

Simba: How is THAT the only thing you could think of?

Rafiki: It was there! I might as well use it for other purposes than getting high. So she sneezes right and then inhales like a pound of it and starts bouncing off the walls. Literally bouncing. And she keeps screaming BALD BALD BALD so I threw more cocaine at her.

Simba: Just...why...?

Rafiki: And it just makes her go faster and faster and I start freaking out. So I take my stick, you know the one?

Simba: I'm aware of your stick yes. 

Rafiki: And I clock her one. I check her out and she's fucking dead man! 

Simba: SHIT! SHIT!

Rafiki: But don't worry, I buried her in cocaine. It's gonna work out!

Simba: WHAT?

Pumba: WHERE THE PUSSY AT?

Simba: THE FUCK? TIMON GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Pumba: We're halfway there...WHOOAAA Living on a Prayer.

Rafiki: What's going on? I'm going to do more cocaine for insurance!

Simba: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? DAMN IT PUMBA! GET OUTTA HERE! GET OUTTA HERE! *Phone disconnected*

REJECTED POST CREDIT IRON MAN 3 SCENES

Many scenes were left on the cutting room floor when it came to the post credits scene of Iron Man 3, and, luckily, through my vast Hollywood connection network, I was able to find out what they were and will fill you all in.

1.) THANOS SHOWS UP, FARTS, AND INSTANTLY DIES

Thanos, the villain teased after the credits in the Avengers, appears in front of Robert Downey Jr., holding the seat of his pants and nervously twitching. "Listen, I know I'm not supposed to show up until the next Avengers, but my asshole didn't get the memo." Thanos then lets a gigantic fart rip, which triggers a brain anneurysm and he instantly dies. Tony Stark is left wondering who is this gigantic purple man and how can he harness his gold shoulder pads?

2.) THE JUSTICE LEAGUE APPEARS

Tony Stark reclines back in his couch, only to see the Justice League knock on his door. "May we have a movie please? We have League Fatigue, you know what I'm saying?" Batman says.

"A whole new group of super heroes, I gotta call SHIELD!" Tony replies, only to find the League have burst into his house and begin raiding his fridge.
"We need all of this for evidence!" Martian Manhunter screams as he pounds gravy down his throat, clearly not having eaten in weeks.

The movie ends with the League crying themselves to sleep as Tony Stark looks on puzzled.

3.) TERRANCE HOWARD APPEARS 

"THE FUCK TONY?" An irritated Terrance Howard yells as he bursts through Tony Stark's door. "That other guy is an impostor. How the fuck could you not tell he wasn't me?"

"Uhmmm well I....uhmmm."
"OH I GET IT! ITS BECAUSE WE ALL JUST LOOK THE SAME IS THAT IT? FUCK YOU TONY. FUCK YOU."
"Hey man, I'm just gonna go open up a Hotel for Rwanda and for dogs if that's cool with everybody." Don Cheadle chimes in, ending the movie.

4.) TONY STARK AND BRUCE BANNER START MAKING OUT...FOR 30 SOLID MINUTES

Tony approaches Bruce, now working in Stark Tower and horribly delivers the line of,

"Bruce, I'm going to stop being Iron Man."
"But Tony, why?"
"Because the only iron I need....is the iron in my pants."

Then really sloppy awkward kissing begins, and doesn't stop for about half an hour, with both actors nervously looking at the camera, with the expressions of "Are we really doing this?"