Michael Bay's The Avengers

MICHAEL BAY'S THE AVENGERS (Production Notes)

• The Avengers should be mentioned and are indeed saving the world during the movie, but the vast majority of the film will follow Shia Lebouf....Sam Witwicky.....Shia Witwicky as he comes to grips with having a smoking hot girlfriend, going to the college of his dreams, and has the Hulk living with him in his parents' house. From time to time, an "Avenger" (whatever the fuck those are) will show up from time to time to remind the audience that this is a movie about them, interrupting the actual meat of the story, Shia and his whacky cast of human characters: his parents, grumpy old Nick Fury, ecstatic Agent Coulson who has theories about the Avengers' existences but has no proof of their existence, and his smoking hot girlfriend: Hollywood Actress B#67-I4. 

• Shia's character should constantly be complaining about how awful his life is. How awful it is to be living with the Hulk who is constantly doing nice things for him (Hulk is an asshole who can't talk until his voicebox is fixed at the end of the movie through the power of love.)

• Possible lines of dialogue for Shia to say during the film:
• "AVENGERS! Stop all of the awesome things that you are doing immediately! My parents have ingested pot brownies and it has caused them to go insane, as pot brownies often do!!"
• "Why do you get a suit of armor? You have a shield, WHEN DO I GET ONE? A HAMMER? THAT'S NOT FAIR! (Shia needs to be constantly complaining about awesome things for the audience to relate to....somehow)
• "Why can't I just be a normal kid without all these Avengers avenging in my business? GOD! I SAVED THE WORLD BEFORE YOU KNOW?!?!"

• Hawkeye and Black Widow will be the Avengers who we the audience can relate to with their constant references to pop culture. Also, they MUST be in blackface the film for long periods of time with Shia. 

• Loki will be the villain of the movie, but also a love interest for Shia who he is totally trying to bone. Remember to have long establishing shots of Loki as she bends down to retrieve her garments, scratch her toes, and generally look at shiny things that have fallen on the ground. (Possible tagline for Loki: "I'm a god of mischief....in the bedroom....for Shia Lebouf Witwicky.) SHE'S GOT SASS!

• While filming, shake the fucking camera constantly. If the audience sees what is actually happening during any of the action shots, then we're not doing our jobs.

• Now at the end of the film, during the final credits, we COULD hint at possible sequels, but audiences that have been test screened in my brain disagreed with this course of action. Instead, we will focus on Shia's parents coming down from their high of pot brownies, only to ingest pot cupcakes. OH THE IRONY IS DELICIOUS!

• In one of the climactic battles of the film, the Hulk's pants should be ripped off. This will allow for a humorous scene where one of our government agents can scream into his walkie talkie "GENITALS! GREEN GENITALS!"

• The Tesseract ..... Matrix ...... Avengers Cube will bring about victory for our heroes by taking it out of Iron Man's chest and shoving it into Loki's boobs.

• Thor's a cartoon dog. Fuck it. (For the 4-6 year old demographics. This is our Jar Jar people!)

• Captain America should constantly be beating up brown people insurgents. He will be the rallying cry for the armed forces who are really leading the charge as the Avengers fight for the fate of the world off screen. Possible lines of dialogue for "The Cap'n" (I want these catchphrases printed on shirts YESTERDAY):
• "You and the Cap'n can make it happen Shia!"
• "You must yield to my shield JEW."
• "I sure am working up a thirst for Mountain Dew!"
• "I'm getting too old for this shit since I'm 80 years old and from World War 2. Remember? Like from my movie?"
• "JOIN THE ARMY."

Redskins PR Update: Daniel Snyder is NOT MonStar

Dear Redskins Fans,

Good morning. I'm the Public Relations Representative for the Washington Redskins. I'm writing this letter to you, our fans, to clarify a couple of things. We are always more than happy to have input from our fans and your opinions are critical in the maintained prosperity of our franchise. Unfortunately, there appears to be a misconception that the organization would like to address with you today.

Daniel Snyder is not the intergalactic despot known as Monstar.

Please refrain from sending us letter after letter informing us that this is the case. As you can see from the PR photos above, while the similarities are shocking to say the least, we can assure you that these two titans of business are not one in the same.

To expand upon this summary and lay the arguments to rest, we have created a detailed analysis of their differences.

1.) Daniel Snyder does not live in outer space. Monstar does.

2.) Monstar continues to fight the intergalactic heroes known as the "Silverhawks". Daniel Snyder's rivals, "The League created for the sole purpose of sending Daniel Snyder's evil back to hell", mysteriously disappeared in an unrelated accident to Mr. Snyder. As Redskins headquarters have stated numerous times in court, the fact that the "League's" bodies had "Daniel Snyder rules!" carved into their chests was merely coincidental and was a result of a....car accident.

3.) Monstar is not capable of making the kind of successful business decisions that have propelled the Redskins franchise to new heights, the way Daniel Snyder has. Surely, we all remember the ingenious tactical acquisition of now hall of famer, Albert Haynseworth (pictured below):

4.) Monstar uses the power of the "Moon Star" to transform himself into a super powered being, able to perform feats of evil the likes of which the world has never seen. With Daniel Snyder, what you see is what you get. He doesn't need a "Moon Star" to run his team, all he needs is his analytic mind, saavy business skills, and the Necronomicon Ex Mortis.

5.) Finally, Daniel Snyder works day and night to make sure that Redskins' fans will have the greatest experience possible at Redskins Park, for as you may well know, in addition to the "convenience charge" of parking fees incorporated into stadium ticket costs, ticket costs now allow for Daniel Snyder to own each of the attendees' souls for all eternity. These stipulations will allow for the further "convenience" of Mr. Snyder leading the souls in his never ending war against God and his "do-gooding". Monstar could never dream to create a service such as this and his war against the Silver Hawks is "small potatoes".

Thank you for your time and have a great day!

*By reading this post, Daniel Snyder is now legally allowed to enter into your places of living without an invitation as per the stipulation placed upon his during the time of Jesus. He is also allowed to bring in his squad of goons, "The Snyd Squad", to rough you up a bit for "kicks".

Hunger Royale: What Makes a Movie a Success

First off, let's get this out of the way. Hunger Games is Battle Royale. There is no way that the author of Hunger Games wasn't influenced by the Japanese flick, Battle Royale, in any number of aspects of the story of Games.

To give you some background, Battle Royale is a story that originated in Japan. The basic premise is that the government, in order to instill fear in a potentially riotous younger generation, they choose a class of teenagers, throw them on an island with enough supplies to last them for a few days, and a random weapon. Last one standing gets their life. All televised for a viewing audience that eventually leads to dissemination within the populace ultimately. Sounds familiar right?

Not to say that the two are identical, or that I even don't like Hunger Games, I thought it was actually pretty interesting. Almost like a PG version of Battle Royale.

Let me expand on that, I remember immediately saying after watching Battle Royale a number of years ago, "There is absolutely no way they could ever make this in the states" and that is still the case. With Hunger Games, there's a disconnect that comes with it. Yes, these are teenagers and yes they are in a competition to kill one another, but its not "us". Its a completely different landscape and is closer to the environment of Star Wars than it is to the environment of Battle Royale. Actually, based on the attire and the way people act, I'm almost 95% sure that this takes place in the same universe of "The Fifth Element". I was just waiting for Bruce Willis to burst down from the ceiling and proclaim, "MULTIPASS MOTHER FUCKER."

Battle Royale was fucking brutal, in almost every sense of the word. It took place in a landscape that was a LOT like ours and honestly, in a couple of decades, it wouldn't shock me if something kind of close to this happened. Sundays on Fox. To say nothing of the fact that the characters in Battle Royale WERE kids. Barring an exception or two, these were children in a monstrous scenario, where it was kill or be killed. They committed suicide. They cried. They wrestled with their imminent demise with hysteria.

In Hunger Games, I felt like they were about to all put sunglasses on themselves when they were dropped into the forest and say "Shit just got real." I didn't really feel the horror or claustrophobia of the situation in Games like in Royale. This comes back to the idea of the disconnect and removing the horror aspect to the general audience that Royale had. It's kind of like comparing John Carpenter's The Thing to the prequel/remake that came out recently.

Again, a couple complaints but I'll give Hunger Games a couple of cool notches on their belt. There were some really creative ideas that reflected our current culture. The idea of "sponsors" and needing to create a marketable persona in order to survive, that was cool. I dug that. Also the concept that everyone was starving, and the only way to get a steady stream of supplies to survive was constantly putting your name into the draw for the Games was also really innovative and not something that Battle Royale had. So kudos on those.

Overall, Hunger Games was a pretty solid flick, if you have a chance, watch Battle Royale for a more realistic, horrific, and overall better experience.

Hunger Games, as I type this, has made something akin to 160 million dollars for the weekend. That's CRAY CRAY (insane). Certainly, the fact that it was based on an already successful series of novels worldwide helped it immensely, but what made the novels and overall story so appealing? What made it cram so many people over such a wide demographic into both theaters and book stores....I mean Kindle stores?

Now I'm a marketer by trade. It's my life really. I sell myself and other things every single day. Whether it be for my 9 to 5, my comedy career, my comics, etc etc, I need to find the best ways to market to a general or target audience. When I was studying marketing/business administration in school originally, one thing that really struck me was one of my teachers explaining that there were two things that would stick with people above everything else.

Death and Sex.

There's a lot of subliminal advertising in marketing, and there's been a lot of examples of companies putting a secret message or image that's related to the two in their print ads. A cloud might happen to look like a skull or a penis or something like that. You might not even recognize it but the image sticks with you for a reason you may not fully comprehend, and thus the product does.

What does this have to do with Hunger Games? Well its kind of wrapped in both in a way. A bunch of vibrant, young participants working around a scenario that is mired in death. Its about characters dealing with mortality at a point in their lives when they should be thinking about anything but. The audience recognizes this and it strikes a chord. You know what else is like this?

Twilight.

Yeah I said it. I hate that series more than anything. They're pandering and poorly written and the story has been done a billion times over different mediums of entertainment. But much like Hunger Games, its a story that revolves predominantly around sex and death. Not only that, but it offers the audience a method of almost escaping the grasp of death with its vampirism and werewolf...ness? Young love that is so strong it escapes the grasp of death! TEENAGE GIRLS ASSEMBLE! (On a side note, how the fuck did the main characters fall in love with each other anyway? An 18 year old girl falls in love with a guy who's 200 years old? What the fuck could their conversations even be about?

"I have found myself adrift within the halls of time, learning things that most men would only dream of. The experiences I have had within my long life would fill all the books within a museum and the people I've had an effect on could populate the earth hundreds of times over."
"OH MY GAWD DID YOU SEE TEEN MOM LAST NIGHT?"
".......I hate you."

Anyway, back on track. Finding a perfect combination of marketable aspects to a larger demographic allows for a movie like Hunger Games or Twilight to become far more successful than most other movies on the market.

Pittsburg Pirates vs Chicago Cubs: THUNDERDOME

Hearing about this game originally and watching it, it dawned on me how horribly depressing the scenario was, so I wrote this, I don't know why

“Hello, I’m Jeremy Buzzworthy and this is my partner in crime, Reggie Happenstance, welcome to a beautiful bright day here in Pittsburgh as the Pirates take on the Chicago Cubs. This is a great day for baseball isn’t it Reggie?”

“It sure is Jeremy, we have a record number of people in the stands today I hear?”

“We sure do Reggie, we have one and a half attendees today!”

“One and a half Jeremy?”

“Yes because we have two of Pittsburg’s favorites attending the game today in Crazy Mortimer and his dog, Smelly Old Scraps.”

“Now familiarize me about these two attendees if you please and for that one person listening to the game on a ham radio in Eastern Europe.”

“Well now, Crazy Mortimer has lived in Pittsburg all of his life and has attended the game today because in his drug ladled mind he believes that the game is actually a future war that has been started in his name. He also believes that this war is taking place in 1988. How a future war can take place in the past is anybody’s guess, except for Crazy Mortimer who knows how the cards are going to fall. Direct Quote Reg.”

“Fascinating. And I suppose that Smelly Old Scraps is his dog?”

“You suppose wrong. Smelly Old Scraps is a junkyard dog who has been homeless for the better part of his entire life and follows Crazy Mortimer around so that he can eat his dried up toenails which give Scraps the nutrients he needs to survive his world wary life.”

“Mortimer doesn’t seem to mind this dog chewing on his toes.”

“He certainly doesn’t. In his mind, Scraps is the Queen of England in the future war, begging for the war to stop, and Mortimer refuses.”

“He’s quite cold hearted in this insane scenario isn’t he?”

“He sure is. Now if you hear that sound of an abandoned baby crying, that means its time for the teams to take the field. As you can see the Pirates are wearing new uniforms that was donated to them by Frank’s Junkyard. If its trash, stick it in Frank’s heap!”

“Well that makes sense, as those uniforms can be considered “clothing” only in the fact that its attached to each of the players’ skin. The pitcher is apparently wearing a number of toilet seats that seem to be stitched together using barbed wire.”

“He sure doesn’t seem happy about that.”

“He will be when he gets his paycheck at the end of this game. As you may well know, every member of the Pittsburg Pirates gets paid thirteen dollars for every game they don’t pass out drunk during or hit a pregnant woman in the face.”

“And how many players have received pay checks this season?”

“That would be zero, but if you look into each of their eyes, you can tell that hunger is starting to set in so they we’ll have to see what wins out at the end of the day. Will it be their need for food and shelter or their need to get shit faced and punch pregnant women.”

“Only time will tell. Now here come the Cubs onto the field. The Cubs new owner has encouraged the Cubs to wear their new uniforms, which appear to be 300 pound bear suits. The owner believes these new uniforms will encourage ticket sales in the near future.”

“Quite possibly, although you have to wonder if the cost of losing six players in the first six games due to death by heat exhaustion could factor into his finances.”

“Oh well as part of signing up to be a member of the Cubs, each player has donated their body to science which nets the team around $300 per death, easily paying off the bear costumes.”

“I see. Well it looks like the Cubs are first at bat and the hitter is fumbling around, trying to see through the smile eyeholes that are punched into his makeshift bear costume.”

“The catcher appears to be signaling for the pitcher to throw a fastball…Nope, he’s just moving his fingers around so that the ants swarming out of the dirty diapers he’s wearing fall out onto the ground.”

“I see. The pitcher is winding up with the ball. Now the ball isn’t a standard issue baseball is it?”

“No sir, it appear to be made out of old chewing gum, hair, and thumb tacks.”

“Don’t quite know how this pitch is going to happen then considering the ball keeps sticking to the pitcher’s hand. Well lets see how this….uh oh.”

“What’s happening?”

“A five dollar bill must have been dropped by someone walking past the stadium and is slowly riding the wind into the stadium, when these baseball players see this, madness and chaos will ensue the likes of which have never been seen!”

“The cub at bat has already gotten sight of it and is now swinging his bat at anyone who is anywhere near the vicinity of the five dollar bill. The bat appears to be made of…..it looks like ham. A ham bat.”

“That’s correct.”

“Well I gotta ask you buddy, why wouldn’t he just sell the ham bat to a meat market or eat it himself.”

“Mostly because the ham, in order to be used as bat, is decades old and has petrified into a wood like substance which can easily crush a ball.”

“But surely the maintenance of said ham MUST have been more expensive than simply…”

“Sorry Reggie, but the field has now exploded with activity as the players are attempting to scramble to get that five dollar bill.”

“So much chaos and destruction for such a measly amount of money.”

“Measly to us maybe, but that money will allow those ball players to eat for maybe six years if they play it right.”

“The pitcher just laid out a pregnant woman who wandered onto the field, he’ll never see that paycheck for this game now!”

“The coaches are trying to stop this insanity to no avail. OOP There goes an arm.”

“And Crazy Mortimer is LOVING this. He appears to be banging two pots together in jubilant celebration, paying no mind to Smelly Old Scraps who is still gnawing away at those toe nails.”

“Now that’s dedication. Oh no, LOOK OUT FOR THAT FLAMING HAM BAT, ITS COMING RIGHT….”

*We are experiencing technical difficulties, we will try to return as soon as possible to the Pittsburg Pirates vs the Chicago Cubs: Thunderdome.*

Jay Leno sobs, bitches. and whines his way back into our hearts

Well here's some more bullshit.

As you recall, in an older blog post, I said this:

"NBC is putting a LOT of faith into Leno as he is taking over the weekday 10 PM slots, and I'm more than certain things won't happen the way they expect them to."

And guess what, things didn't happen the way they expected them to.

I KNOOOWWWW!

So just to refresh your memory, or to fill you in on what has happened so far, before this television season, NBC looked at their 10PM time slot at night and said, "You know what, the dramas we have now aren't cutting it." So instead of working hard both creatively and financially to come up with great shows that capture the viewers' imagination and interest, they went the cheap route.

Years ago, Conan O'Brien was told he would become host of the Tonight Show at a very specific time. Leno agreed to this and confirmed it with both the network and O'Brien. Ok, everything appeared to be moving smoothly at that point. But as the deadline moved closer and closer, Jay Leno panicked and realized that, "Oh shit, if I stop doing the Tonight Show, I'll have to spend more time with my WIFE!"

So in a hissy fit of massive proportions, Leno proceeded to make it known to NBC that if they didn't appease his ego and give him something, he would take his show to another network and basically fuck over Conan O'Brien's tenure as host of the Tonight Show by having it take place at the exact same time.

Now some of you might be saying, "Well thats his right to do that because it was his show originally!" Well first off, that would be the case, had he not originally agreed to giving O'Brien the Tonight Show and then reneging his original agreement. Also, in case you haven't watched Jay Leno before, his show is fucking terrible. Its the comedy equivalent of staring through the window of an old folk's home. Its like having someone tell you theres a standup comedy show at a local club, and when you arrive, the bouncer kicks you in the balls and steals your wallet, then he learns your address and burns your house down.

In order to keep Leno from jumping ship, NBC decided to create a massive clusterfuck that has now blown up in their faces.

As soon as it was announced that O'Brien would be getting the Tonight Show, it was also announced that Jay Leno was going to do a "brand new JAY LENO SHOW!" an hour and a half earlier. This was done so that NBC could have 5 nights a week of boring shit that cost a nickel. NBC's line of thinking was basically, "Fuck it, if we're gonna fail anyway, we might as well fail cheap."

The first episode consisted of what was pretty much just business as usual. Kanye West's staged temper tantrum.....whoops I mean just temper tantrum aftermath helped prop up Jay's ratings. The only things that changed for the show really was the time placement of interviews and skits, and the set. WOW! MASS APPEAL!

While the first episode ran out the gate with good ratings, it plummeted like a stone after a week or two. Rather than say, "Oh shit, we really fucked this up!" NBC decided to look at how much money they were making by putting Jay Leno's variety hour on every night regardless of the show losing to Cable Networks and repeats at the same time.

"This is a year long plan, we'll wait and see how he's doing after a year! No matter what happens, we have not fucked up!"

......They fucked up.

So NBC did their best to ignore the horrible ratings and pretty much everyone on the planet saying, "This blows donkey dick", but NBC's affiliates were a different story all together. They had to beat them to death with their own shoes.

Now an affiliate, for those who don't know, is the station for each region that chooses to play NBC or Fox or ABC, etc. That's why its NBC 4 here in DC and something completely different in another part of the country. Its why the news at 11 differs from state to state and even from city to city. When NBC factored in their "cheap is better" plan, they didn't factor in the fact that if people hated to watch Leno, why would they both to tune in to watch the news station that directly follows Leno?

This makes me a little sad that this basically means that people are so lazy that they don't even bother to hit a button on their remote to change the channel to something different , but I digress.

So NBC, who was totally fine with Leno bombing and coming in 7th place every night due to lack of cost and the fact that there was so much product placement that the show probably cost nothing to make (Rated the top product placement show for the year.....even though it only ran for about 4 months.) finally folded due to the affiliates yelling in unison, "Cut the shit."

Affiliates were pissed. They were threatening not to show the Leno show and rather just show episodes of Seinfeld in its place, no joke.

NBC, for some reason being terrified of the power that Leno has (Regardless of his apparent lack of any power), has now caved into Leno's demands and is trying to negotiate a deal where Leno gets his old spot back at 11:35 for 30 minutes, pushing Conan back an hour, fucking him for the second time for Jay Leno who was supposed to be retired in the first place.

Now, here is a list of things that this will mean should this go through:

1.) The future of Conan O'Brien is now up in the air. How many times can a guy just get fucked over by his boss before telling them to piss off? It is rumored that Conan is pretty pissed off because of this deal and may be milling around for other networks, and rightfully so. Its really not right what NBC has done to him again and again after a proven track record. Best case scenario, Conan gets fucked and moves to a later time slot to appease Leno. Worst case scenario, Conan is never seen on television again.

2.) Old White People will be happy. Old white people ruin everything for everyone. They vote in record numbers for the wrong people. They sap medicare from young peoples' pockets. They smell bad. They watch shitty television and give shitty tv hosts power to be shitty tv hosts! To old white people, anything that offends them is seen as evil. Bland porridge comedy is their meal of the day and they slurp it down contently. Of course Jay Leno continues to be on the air when there's a hoard of 80 year old retirees hanging on his every word. Why won't they just die? Oh hi mom and dad.

3.) Jay Leno will NEVER GO AWAY! We're never getting rid of Jay Leno. Ever. His crippling OCD will never allow him to leave his horrid show and NBC is too terrified to stop him. I once watched the Jay Leno show by accident, went to a gun store, bought a gun, questioned why God would create such a horrible television program, and then stared at my gun for six hours. I pussied out from the direct route of killing Jay Leno or killing myself and the Leno gun still sits in my cabinet......waiting.

4.) We get to see just how completely far and away Television Executives are from reality. The plan from the start was fucking awful. It wasn't going to work. Everyone I talked to agreed it wasn't going to work. Everyone knew that a talk show, let alone a fucking Jay Leno talk show, just wouldn't hold up against hour long dramas. Television executives though thought this was a revolutionary idea which even garnered a Time Magazine cover, dubbing Jay Leno "The Future of Television!" Time Magazine can suck my dick.

5.) The Roots get fucked. Also....that Jimmy Fallon.......guy......fuck it. Nobody cares about him.

6.) Jay Leno. Will. Never. Go. Away. There is nothing I hate more than bland comedy. At least if a comedian is edgy but sucks, he's still trying to break the rules and turn some heads. Bland comedy is surrender. Its the bare fucking minimum and Jay Leno is their spokesman.

7.) Denim businesses everywhere will go out of business. I want you to do a little experiment right now for me. You're already reading this on the internet, so I want you to open a new window and go to google. Do an image search on Jay Leno. Look at every image where he is not wearing a suit. Do you see a pattern? The patten is denim. That is what Jay Leno wears all the time. Thats who Jay Leno. He is denim and denim is him. Also I bet his chin is holding his twin brother who died in the womb.

Thats a pretty good list I'd say.

By the way, when Leno heard rumblings of his possible cancellation, he proceeded to say, "Hmmm well I guess NBC stands for newly broken contract. Maybe I'll go on vacation. I hear Fox is good this time of year." Classy.

So NBC takes this huge chance on putting you at 10PM right? Like a monumentally HUGE fucking change. Basically telling everything else in their line up to go fuck themselves, for you, Jay Leno. There was even an interview with an NBC exec that stated, and I quote, "There's nothing wrong with Jay Leno, its everything else on the network, And when you can't deliver the ratings in, they do the best choice in their minds which is continue fucking over everyone who isn't you regardless of your failure, and yet you still take shots at them? God. Damn it. I'm not a big fan of NBC, but Christ, show some class Leno.

Now I don't know much about the original Leno/Letterman debacle that apparently had Leno fucking Letterman out of the Tonight Show hosting gig, but it just goes to show you that Leno doesn't really give a shit who he runs over as long as he gets what he wants. Sad really.

Evan Fixes Health Care

Hello everyone,

So times are tough. The Health Care System in our country is broken, while the third world country that is Canada is somehow supplying free health care to their citizens. How is this possible? Where did America fail? Is it because we don't like hockey? Maybe its due to our lack of syrup?

Well I'm going to tell you a surefire way for the US to supply each of our citizens with a rock solid plan that we can all follow for each of us to have a solid future in health care's kind arms in 5 easy steps. So here we go:

1.) Throw water on the Homeless to make them melt like they were the Wicked Witch of the West.

Yes according to my ex girlfriend (boy I wish I was joking about this one), Homeless people are akin to evil witches who, when doused with a hefty bucket of water, will begin to melt into the ground allowing for an America that is purely white and thus completely fixing the health care problems. Man Republicans from Ohio who also happened to draw up terrorist plots for some reason (REALLY WISH I WAS JOKING ON THIS ONE) sure do have a vast knowledge of what America needs.

2.) BEARS!



Have you ever seen a bear get sick? I haven't! Lets follow in the bear lifestyle and begin going to sleep for months at a time. I don't see claws on my fingers so obviously something is wrong. Maybe if we were to lay on our backs and growl at salmon, we may never get sick again? Think about it.

3.) Get REALLY drunk!



Because if we're really drunk all the time, there is no way that anything can hurt us. One time I stubbed my toe while hammered and it only kind of hurt. BAM!

4.) Talk about sports. ALL THE TIME!



Hey remember how you got married when you were 21 and instantly went to get your law degree because you wanted to take the easy way out and have a lot of money but also have the most mundane life of anyone ever? Looking at forms from day to day, slowly watching your body decay into nothing while the woman you married slowly drifts further and further away from you because you got hitched at such a young age that you hadn't really developed into the person that you were meant to be? HEY DEREK JETER HIT A HOME RUN! Time to talk with all your friends about it who are in the exact same situation that you're in. United in your silent depression. Rather than trying to foster your creative side or put any thought into making an impact in the world, its time to discuss the achievements of others ad nauseum.....Oh wait what's that? Oh right health care. Uhhmmm. Shit.

5.) Become the Incredible Hulk



Follow these easy steps and you will never be sick again.

Whatever Happened to the Evan of Tomorrow or Halloween Has Come Again!

Hello Boys and Girls! Its been awhile huh? Where have I been you may ask?

Well to lay it down in easy to digest bites, I moved to a new place, recorded lots of new stuff, did some comedy shows, put in relationship time, did massive amounts of 9 to 5 work, finished my Thor musical, and am now trying to adjust to all the goings ons.

Anyway, I thought I would take this opportunity to recommend a movie I had seen recently with a friend who managed to get a screener copy of this flick that I had been anxious for on and off for the better part of 2 years. Now before I say what this movie is, I want to tell you something about me when it comes to horror movies. As a child, I grew up fucking LOVING horror movies. I loved Jason, I loved Freddy, I loved Pinhead and Chucky and Michael Myers. It was weird but even at 11, I can still remember these guys scaring the crap out of me and my tiny self loving every minute of it.

As I grew in years and each one of these subsequent sequels for these movies got worse and worse, except for Freddy vs Jason which I thought was amazing B-movie fun, and Hollywood seemed to take a strange approach with horror movies. Something happened where Horror movies weren’t made to scare people anymore, they were made to churn out a quick buck and thus were going to need to be tailored to everyone seeing the movie, from ages 10 to ancient. This caused a huge decline in the overall quality of horror movies.

Horror movies nowadays, if not a remake or a sequel, all follow the same basic formula, cast a bunch of pretty late teen or 20 somethings in a movie, put them in a dire situation involving a killer or maybe a ghost or something, sprinkle in some “shock” scares and you’re good to go. The problem with this is that we now have Saw part 7 and the fact that movies like this churn out big bucks make it all the more worthwhile for studios to not break the cycle.

Rest assured, this constant barrage of shitty horror cinema has sent me on something of a quest. A quest to find “good”, “recent” horror movies. Now what would you say is the ratio of “good” to awful horror movies that are released nowadays? One to ten? One to twenty? If we’re really going to be honest, I would say its something like One to Fifty. Out of every fifty horror movies that are released, whether it be on DVD or in the theaters, there’s one that is good. I’m not even saying its great, I’m just saying its good.

Well my friends, I’ve come here to tell you about a movie I’ve seen in the past week that completely blows away every horror movie that has been released in the past decade. This is a movie that, for some mind-boggling reason, was decided by the studio not to be released in theaters. There are many theories as to why this is, including problems with the investors, too much violence against children, not enough “star” power, etc etc, but you can be certain that Warner Bros made a huge mistake when they decided not to release this flick the way it should have. Instead, everyone will need to wait about another week to see Trick ‘R Treat.

What is Trick ‘R Treat you may ask? Its an anthology of sorts. The movie shows five different stories all taking place on Halloween night. I figure I’ll take the opportunity to delve a little further into each of them (For those worried about spoilers, don’t be, I’ll keep these as general as possible without getting into any specifics).

The first story revolves around a couple getting back from a Halloween party and perfectly sets up the pace and storytelling that the movie is going to convey. It also shows you how perfectly they seem to have molded a family Halloween story with gore and straight up terror. I came up with the analogy that this movie is what if that episode from the Adventures of Pete and Pete revolving around Halloween was merged with John Carpenter’s Halloween.

The second story revolves around a group of early 20s girls working on getting their friend laid at a Halloween party (See, they did manage to throw some in!) Anna Paquin is in this one and looks pretty damn amazing if I do say so myself. Now let me explain how each of these stories are laid out. You’ll be introduced to the characters and the scenario and then from time to time you will drift to another story and eventually make your way back to the original. All the stories themselves weave their way into the others, so while you could technically watch each one of these stories alone, watching the entire movie in one sitting makes you appreciate each tale even more.

The next story revolves around a high school principal who happens to have a few secrets in his closet, played by the talented William H Macy. This individual story wraps up with the great notion that this movie will lead you in one direction and make you think one way, and then instantly toss your original idea out the window and make you feel stupid for not thinking how the story would go down from the beginning.

The following story, and this by far is my favorite story of the bunch, revolves around five kids, a rock quarry, jack o’lanterns, and a story of a bus with some special children on board. This is the story that is not only terrifying, but is set up in such a way, that it really shows you how much passion the guy who made this movie had while creating it. There’s this amazing shot where the kids in their costumes are holding their jack o’lanterns and looking over the precipice of the quarry into nothingness that is just so God damn spooky and breath taking. Not to mention I think that the “accident” in the flashback during the tale is played with so much dread and so much anticipation, that when it delivers, and boy does it deliver, it just helps to reinforce how great a movie this is.

The next story revolves around Old Mr. Kriegg, played by Brian Cox and involves the “antagonist” of the film in Sam. Sam, who can be seen in the poster above, appears throughout most of the stories in some capacity, either as a witness or as a direct player in the story. Sam is basically a Trick or Treater who is looking for some candy and has a deep respect for Halloween, he also happens to be homicidal at times. And don’t worry, they show you what exactly Sam is, but trying to figure out where the fuck he could have come from or what the hell his origin is happens to be another story altogether.

Trick R Treat, a movie that is not a sequel and not a remake, reminds us that good horror movies ARE POSSIBLE, you just need a little originality and zombie children.