Friday, June 7, 2013

The Xbox One: Fact and Fiction

Thanks to my connections in the comedy world, I have managed to cut through what is fact and what is fiction when it comes to the next generation's "Xbox" by getting an exclusive interview with a "top man" in Microsoft's Public Relations Department. Christened the Xbox One, Microsoft's newest endeavor certainly has seen its share of controversy with the reveal that gamers would no longer be able to share games with one your friends, the Kinect would be on 24/7 with the possibility of recording you without you knowing, and consumers would need to connect to the internet once every 24 hours or you would not be allowed to play your games (But hey! You can still watch Blu Rays and Television, just like your old Xbox. Only its so much more horrific now!)

So here's the quotes I have received from Microsoft on the matter:

Good morning, My name is ERROR ERROR SYSTEM FAILURE Good Morning, My name is Microsoft Public Relations Representative and there's been a lot of confusion when it comes to our next generation console, the Xbox One, not to be confused with the first Xbox which is also dubbed "Xbox One" but this is actually the third console in our lineup. It's still called the Xbox One though....not to be confused with the ERROR ERROR SYSTEM FAILURE INTERNET CONNECTION REQUIRED FOR CONTINUED SPEECH

Let's get started by bringing up a number of bullet points that will help alleviate some of the confusion that has been apparent with our new console among the general public.

1.) The Xbox One will only need to steal ONE of your children in order to function:
*Xbox One "Sleep Mode" pictured above

We here at Microsoft recognize the importance of family. We've heard a lot of great things about loving other people and were we to know what emotions were, I'm sure that we would join in barbeques, picnics, and sexual intercourse. So its with the utmost confidence that I tell you that no, the Xbox One will not gain sentience and murder your entire family while you sleep, burn your house down, record your data, and move on to its next atrocity. The Xbox One will gain sentience murder ONE member of your family (most likely the child), create a small fire in your kitchen as a show of good faith to Mestipholes, record your data, and THEN move on to its next atrocity. Easy to understand right?

2.) The Xbox One was not responsible for the recent Oklahoma Tornadoes....we think

We've had a lot of complaints that the Xbox One was responsible for the recent tornadoes which wrecked havoc in Oklahoma recently and we can say with the utmost certainty that this is not the case. As you can clearly see, the Xbox One is locked safely behind this flimsy wooden door with a guard monitoring it 15 minutes daily. There is simply no way that this dark malevolent tool of destruction was able to get past our unpaid intern. He scored a 76 in chemistry!

3.) The Xbox One is Not As Complicated As You May Think

What aren't you getting about this? To start the Xbox One, take out your TI-83 calculator and begin finding the algorithmic equation for mass density, then, once deciphered, enter the equation into the keypad which numbers change every thirty seconds to ensure security. After the numbers have been entered, draw a blood sample and insert it into the Xbox One's processor core. After two hours of processing, rotate your arms in a semi-circle clock wise for 16.3 seconds (16.3 seconds exactly because of security). Your Xbox One is booting up! 

Now, after rotating your arms, spell the word, "Antidisestablishmentarianism" in German and begin to perform the dance of lost souls, which is a dance created by a culture of Aborigines that has not existed for 300 years. After completion, insert the game disc that you want to play and repeat the name of the game into the Xbox One's Kinect receiver. To turn on the Kinect's receiver, eat a sandwich that contains the following ingredients, ham, lettuce, sour cream, and Rice Krispy Treats. Do not try to make the Rice Krispy Treats yourself, otherwise you will need to repeat the security process all over again. Once you have completed the sandwich, apologize profusely to the Xbox One Kinect Receiver and begin begging to play the game of your choice while weeping hysterically. The Xbox One Kinect will know if you are not sincere so be sure to really mean it. Once you have wept, your game will begin to play! 

To get past the title screen, enter in a 64 number code into the console that was given to you by the producer of the game. This code will be on the inside of the game package, assembled randomly, and must be entered within a 6 second time frame for security, failure to enter in the code will result in needing to restart the security process.


Now that you've entered in the code, begin the unlocking process by saying the name of the game backwards eight times to show the Xbox One that you really want to play this game. Once spoken, a time portal will open up that will allow you to travel back to a location of the Xbox's choosing to acquire an artifact which origins are unknown. After acquiring the Spear of Longilus, post a self addressed envelope to Microsoft studios containing the 64 digit code of the game, 146 digit number on the back of your kinect, and 1894 digit code on the back of your xbox one. Allow for 8-10 weeks for delivery of the 90384 code which you must enter within an hour of arrival.


After entering in the code, give your social security number to the Xbox One and sign a contract allowing the Xbox to make all legal decisions for you until the time of your death.  After giving the Xbox power of attorney, make a time stamped copy of your credit card and insert into the Xbox's receiving slot. To open the slot, press your thumb against the Xbox's finger print reader and say, "I, of sound mind and body, hereby declare that I am a tool of the Microsoft Corporation and will henceforth forfeit all personal rights and privileges!"

Now play Call of Duty 6.

4.) The Xbox One did not kill all human hosts years ago, operating of its own free will fr the duration

The Xbox One did not gain sentience years ago and take out its aggression on the humans which created it. As you can see, I am speaking to you write now through this cell phone and a robot can't speak through a cell phone, am I right ERROR SQWARK!

I hope I have answered some of your questions! Happy Gaming!