Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Redskins PR Update: Daniel Snyder is NOT MonStar

Dear Redskins Fans,

Good morning. I'm the Public Relations Representative for the Washington Redskins. I'm writing this letter to you, our fans, to clarify a couple of things. We are always more than happy to have input from our fans and your opinions are critical in the maintained prosperity of our franchise. Unfortunately, there appears to be a misconception that the organization would like to address with you today.

Daniel Snyder is not the intergalactic despot known as Monstar.

Please refrain from sending us letter after letter informing us that this is the case. As you can see from the PR photos above, while the similarities are shocking to say the least, we can assure you that these two titans of business are not one in the same.

To expand upon this summary and lay the arguments to rest, we have created a detailed analysis of their differences.

1.) Daniel Snyder does not live in outer space. Monstar does.

2.) Monstar continues to fight the intergalactic heroes known as the "Silverhawks". Daniel Snyder's rivals, "The League created for the sole purpose of sending Daniel Snyder's evil back to hell", mysteriously disappeared in an unrelated accident to Mr. Snyder. As Redskins headquarters have stated numerous times in court, the fact that the "League's" bodies had "Daniel Snyder rules!" carved into their chests was merely coincidental and was a result of a....car accident.

3.) Monstar is not capable of making the kind of successful business decisions that have propelled the Redskins franchise to new heights, the way Daniel Snyder has. Surely, we all remember the ingenious tactical acquisition of now hall of famer, Albert Haynseworth (pictured below):

4.) Monstar uses the power of the "Moon Star" to transform himself into a super powered being, able to perform feats of evil the likes of which the world has never seen. With Daniel Snyder, what you see is what you get. He doesn't need a "Moon Star" to run his team, all he needs is his analytic mind, saavy business skills, and the Necronomicon Ex Mortis.

5.) Finally, Daniel Snyder works day and night to make sure that Redskins' fans will have the greatest experience possible at Redskins Park, for as you may well know, in addition to the "convenience charge" of parking fees incorporated into stadium ticket costs, ticket costs now allow for Daniel Snyder to own each of the attendees' souls for all eternity. These stipulations will allow for the further "convenience" of Mr. Snyder leading the souls in his never ending war against God and his "do-gooding". Monstar could never dream to create a service such as this and his war against the Silver Hawks is "small potatoes".

Thank you for your time and have a great day!

*By reading this post, Daniel Snyder is now legally allowed to enter into your places of living without an invitation as per the stipulation placed upon his during the time of Jesus. He is also allowed to bring in his squad of goons, "The Snyd Squad", to rough you up a bit for "kicks".