Halloween Safety Tips from Evan TODAY

Good evening Boys and Ghouls....I'm sorry I meant girls....I mean women....Wait let's start over....

Good evening Boils and Women....Shit....One more time...I got this....

Good evening Men and Women of varying ages and races!

It's me, Evan, here to share 10 Halloween tips for you this holiday season that will not only let you have a night of fun, but also a night of safety and Jesus.

Let's get down to the brass tax:

HALLOWEEN HOLIDAY TIP #1

ATTACH GLOW IN THE DARK LIGHTS OR TAPE TO YOUR COSTUME

Listen, no one wants to ruin a night of Halloween fun with an accident of any kind, so be sure to make sure that you're visible and that everyone can see you while Trick or Treating. It could save your life!

HALLOWEEN HOLIDAY TIP #2

DON'T BANG DRACULA'S BRIDES

We've all been down this road. I can't tell you how many times Dracula's brides have approached me on the street round Halloween time and asked for a "hand out". DON'T BANG THEM. Why not? Well first off, they're engaged....ENGAGED TO DRACULA. That's a sacred commitment.....TO DRACULA. He's gonna be mighty cheesed if he finds out let me tell you.

HALLOWEEN HOLIDAY TIP #3

STOP THE MUMMY'S SUICIDE ATTEMPT

Unlike Dracula, who has Brides, the Mummy has no one and around Halloween time, he starts planning ways to take his own life. STOP HIM. GET THE MUMMY HELP. I know that he's called you many times in the past stating, "I'm really gonna do it this time!" and you've ignored him, but he is a sad mummy and has nothing going for him. Maybe you could be his bride?

HALLOWEEN HOLIDAY TIP #4

DON'T KILL FRANKENSTEIN

He doesn't even know what year it is! You may as well kill someone with Down Syndrome. Yes, he accidentally killed a little girl because he thought she was a flower, but what makes you so perfect?? If you kill Frankenstein, its going to be a messy legal battle for you in which you'll have to argue the point that he was already dead, that he was a conglomerate of human remains, that he functioned on electricity and not cheeseburgers. MESSY.

HALLOWEEN HOLIDAY TIP #5

THANK WHOEVER GIVES YOU CANDY

Halloween is a holiday that we can all enjoy, and be sure to show appreciation by saying Thank You to whoever gives you candy that day. Its common courtesy!

HALLOWEEN HOLIDAY TIP #6

ADOPT A WEREWOLF

How many times have you seen a Werewolf on the street begging for changes, shooting up, and/or selling their bodies? A lot, I know. You can make a difference. By adopting a werewolf this holiday season, you can change the lives of these Were Folks by giving them things they desperately need, such as: Shoes that won't break during their transformation, new shirts, Student ID cards, and anything else that may help them to get a good paying job.

HALLOWEEN HOLIDAY TIP #7

DON'T FALL ASLEEP

Freddy Krueger is a REAL THING. Don't go to sleep!

HALLOWEEN HOLIDAY TIP #8

LET YOUR MOM BACK IN THE PLANE

She's freezing outside! Yes, we're all super excited that you got bumped up to first class, but at the cost of your mother hanging onto the wing of the plane? Unacceptable.

HALLOWEEN HOLIDAY TIP #9

BE SURE TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH

Be sure to brush your teeth after you eat your Halloween candy! Wouldn't want any cavities now would we?

HALLOWEEN HOLIDAY TIP #10

BE A ZOMCAN NOT A ZOMCAN'T

You heard me! Now get crackin'!