The Xbox One: Fact and Fiction

Thanks to my connections in the comedy world, I have managed to cut through what is fact and what is fiction when it comes to the next generation's "Xbox" by getting an exclusive interview with a "top man" in Microsoft's Public Relations Department. Christened the Xbox One, Microsoft's newest endeavor certainly has seen its share of controversy with the reveal that gamers would no longer be able to share games with one your friends, the Kinect would be on 24/7 with the possibility of recording you without you knowing, and consumers would need to connect to the internet once every 24 hours or you would not be allowed to play your games (But hey! You can still watch Blu Rays and Television, just like your old Xbox. Only its so much more horrific now!)

So here's the quotes I have received from Microsoft on the matter:

Good morning, My name is ERROR ERROR SYSTEM FAILURE Good Morning, My name is Microsoft Public Relations Representative and there's been a lot of confusion when it comes to our next generation console, the Xbox One, not to be confused with the first Xbox which is also dubbed "Xbox One" but this is actually the third console in our lineup. It's still called the Xbox One though....not to be confused with the ERROR ERROR SYSTEM FAILURE INTERNET CONNECTION REQUIRED FOR CONTINUED SPEECH

Let's get started by bringing up a number of bullet points that will help alleviate some of the confusion that has been apparent with our new console among the general public.

1.) The Xbox One will only need to steal ONE of your children in order to function:

*Xbox One "Sleep Mode" pictured above

We here at Microsoft recognize the importance of family. We've heard a lot of great things about loving other people and were we to know what emotions were, I'm sure that we would join in barbeques, picnics, and sexual intercourse. So its with the utmost confidence that I tell you that no, the Xbox One will not gain sentience and murder your entire family while you sleep, burn your house down, record your data, and move on to its next atrocity. The Xbox One will gain sentience murder ONE member of your family (most likely the child), create a small fire in your kitchen as a show of good faith to Mestipholes, record your data, and THEN move on to its next atrocity. Easy to understand right?

2.) The Xbox One was not responsible for the recent Oklahoma Tornadoes....we think

We've had a lot of complaints that the Xbox One was responsible for the recent tornadoes which wrecked havoc in Oklahoma recently and we can say with the utmost certainty that this is not the case. As you can clearly see, the Xbox One is locked safely behind this flimsy wooden door with a guard monitoring it 15 minutes daily. There is simply no way that this dark malevolent tool of destruction was able to get past our unpaid intern. He scored a 76 in chemistry!

3.) The Xbox One is Not As Complicated As You May Think

What aren't you getting about this? To start the Xbox One, take out your TI-83 calculator and begin finding the algorithmic equation for mass density, then, once deciphered, enter the equation into the keypad which numbers change every thirty seconds to ensure security. After the numbers have been entered, draw a blood sample and insert it into the Xbox One's processor core. After two hours of processing, rotate your arms in a semi-circle clock wise for 16.3 seconds (16.3 seconds exactly because of security). Your Xbox One is booting up! 

Now, after rotating your arms, spell the word, "Antidisestablishmentarianism" in German and begin to perform the dance of lost souls, which is a dance created by a culture of Aborigines that has not existed for 300 years. After completion, insert the game disc that you want to play and repeat the name of the game into the Xbox One's Kinect receiver. To turn on the Kinect's receiver, eat a sandwich that contains the following ingredients, ham, lettuce, sour cream, and Rice Krispy Treats. Do not try to make the Rice Krispy Treats yourself, otherwise you will need to repeat the security process all over again. Once you have completed the sandwich, apologize profusely to the Xbox One Kinect Receiver and begin begging to play the game of your choice while weeping hysterically. The Xbox One Kinect will know if you are not sincere so be sure to really mean it. Once you have wept, your game will begin to play! 

To get past the title screen, enter in a 64 number code into the console that was given to you by the producer of the game. This code will be on the inside of the game package, assembled randomly, and must be entered within a 6 second time frame for security, failure to enter in the code will result in needing to restart the security process.

YOU'RE ALMOST THERE.

Now that you've entered in the code, begin the unlocking process by saying the name of the game backwards eight times to show the Xbox One that you really want to play this game. Once spoken, a time portal will open up that will allow you to travel back to a location of the Xbox's choosing to acquire an artifact which origins are unknown. After acquiring the Spear of Longilus, post a self addressed envelope to Microsoft studios containing the 64 digit code of the game, 146 digit number on the back of your kinect, and 1894 digit code on the back of your xbox one. Allow for 8-10 weeks for delivery of the 90384 code which you must enter within an hour of arrival.

YOU'RE ALMOST THERE.

After entering in the code, give your social security number to the Xbox One and sign a contract allowing the Xbox to make all legal decisions for you until the time of your death.  After giving the Xbox power of attorney, make a time stamped copy of your credit card and insert into the Xbox's receiving slot. To open the slot, press your thumb against the Xbox's finger print reader and say, "I, of sound mind and body, hereby declare that I am a tool of the Microsoft Corporation and will henceforth forfeit all personal rights and privileges!"

Now play Call of Duty 6.

4.) The Xbox One did not kill all human hosts years ago, operating of its own free will fr the duration

The Xbox One did not gain sentience years ago and take out its aggression on the humans which created it. As you can see, I am speaking to you write now through this cell phone and a robot can't speak through a cell phone, am I right ERROR SQWARK!

I hope I have answered some of your questions! Happy Gaming!

The Worst One Liner in Action Film History and How It Affects You

"Killian, Here's Subzero! Now....plain zero!"

Excuse me?

"Killian!"

"Here's Subzero!"

"Now...plain zero!"

What this? What this mean? Why has this happened?

The Running Man was a motion picture created by some movie company in the 1980s to accomodate Arnold Schwarzenager's (Misspelled, don't care) budding film career. It also allowed him to grow this SWEET beard *cigar not included.

What you didn't know is that it also included the worst one liner in the history of film, which I mentioned above. Now that you know the worst line in human history, you may be asking yourself, "How does one purchase a firearm for purposes of suicide?" or "If I burn the film, does memory of the film burn with it?"

Needless to say, we all experience the same sense of loss of self when reading hearing this one liner and we should all be comforted by the fact that we, by no choice of our own, need hear the line delivered again should you avoid the Running Man film.

Little known facts about this line include:

-A pact was made with Satan to create the worst one liner in human history, and once Satan created said line, he instantly wanted to reneg on the deal, fearing he had created an evil more powerful than himself.

-After delivering the line, Arnold's jaw fell off and he was rushed to a hospital where the use of more steroids created an entirely new jaw out of muscle and brawn!

-"Plain Zero" still makes absolutely no sense, as wouldn't plain be better than Sub. Don't think on this any further or your genitals will turn to dust.

-California's budget will never be the same after Arnold's time as governor, I blame the line!

Lion King Scandal Breaks

May 15th, 2013 - News Broke this Morning regarding Lion King Simba's drug rackateering charges after associate, Rafiki, settled for a plea bargain in revealing the information for a more lenient penalty in the third degree murder charge of his girlfriend, Rafiki The Girl one.

We have a transcript of the frantic phone call that took place only weeks ago:

*Rustling Noises as phone rings*

Simba: The fuck is...HELLO?

Rafiki: I'm high as a fucking kite man! I'm in some deep shit!

Simba: Calm down, calm down you piece of shit baboon! Are you on a secure line?

Rafiki: YOU THINK I WOULD BE CALLING YOU ON AN UNSECURE LINE AFTER I DID THAT MUCH COCAINE?

Simba: That's exactly what I think you bright assed asshole! That's exactly what I think! Jesus Christ...*Noise in the background*

Voice in the background (Confirmed to be Nala, Simba's now ex-wife): Simba. Simba come back to bed on this rock.

Simba: I'M ON THE PHONE! I'M ON THE DAMN TELEPHONE I HAD SPECIALLY MADE FOR MY LION PAWS! GO BACK TO SLEEP!

Voice: You go back to sleep you stupid bastard...sleep through your fucking kingship you piece of...

Rafiki: I FUCKED UP MAN.

Simba: Settle down! Stop screaming. Take a breath and tell me what happened.

Rafiki: As I mentioned before, I did a lot of cocaine and after doing all that cocaine, I was on something of a cocaine extravaganza.

Simba: Stop saying cocaine.

Rafiki: Am I saying cocaine a lot?

Simba: YES.

Rafiki: Ok, well I mean its just important that you know cocaine was involved. Anywhos, I had just done a lot of cocaine and my woman was screaming at me.

Simba: YOU have a woman?

Rafiki: YES. YES. I have a WOMAN. Is that so hard to believe? Ugly old Rafiki got himself some play on the side?

Simba: Yes, its unbelievable. My jaw is agape at the prospect in fact.

Rafiki: She's dead though.

Simba: Excuse me?

Rafiki: She's dead....

Rafikie The Girl One pictured above...

Simba: WHAT. DO YOU MEAN...SHE'S DEAD?

Rafiki: Well she was doing a lot of blow and started singing that new Justin Bieber song. So she's singing, and I tell her to shut up for a minute because I was high....high on cocaine.

Simba: I KNOW ALREADY.

Rafiki: All right man, all right. Chill your pill! Anyway, so I start waving my stick around trying to put a voodoo curse on her because I'm into that shit now and she starts hollering at me like I'm a little kid. 'Rafiki stop waving that stick in my face before I snap it off on your ugly bald head! BALD HEAD! BALD HEAD!" She kept pushing man!

Simba: What happened next?

Rafiki: *excessive sweating* So I did the only thing I could think of. I threw a whole bunch of cocaine in her face.

Simba: How is THAT the only thing you could think of?

Rafiki: It was there! I might as well use it for other purposes than getting high. So she sneezes right and then inhales like a pound of it and starts bouncing off the walls. Literally bouncing. And she keeps screaming BALD BALD BALD so I threw more cocaine at her.

Simba: Just...why...?

Rafiki: And it just makes her go faster and faster and I start freaking out. So I take my stick, you know the one?

Simba: I'm aware of your stick yes. 

Rafiki: And I clock her one. I check her out and she's fucking dead man! 

Simba: SHIT! SHIT!

Rafiki: But don't worry, I buried her in cocaine. It's gonna work out!

Simba: WHAT?

Pumba: WHERE THE PUSSY AT?

Simba: THE FUCK? TIMON GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Pumba: We're halfway there...WHOOAAA Living on a Prayer.

Rafiki: What's going on? I'm going to do more cocaine for insurance!

Simba: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? DAMN IT PUMBA! GET OUTTA HERE! GET OUTTA HERE! *Phone disconnected*

REJECTED POST CREDIT IRON MAN 3 SCENES

Many scenes were left on the cutting room floor when it came to the post credits scene of Iron Man 3, and, luckily, through my vast Hollywood connection network, I was able to find out what they were and will fill you all in.

1.) THANOS SHOWS UP, FARTS, AND INSTANTLY DIES

Thanos, the villain teased after the credits in the Avengers, appears in front of Robert Downey Jr., holding the seat of his pants and nervously twitching. "Listen, I know I'm not supposed to show up until the next Avengers, but my asshole didn't get the memo." Thanos then lets a gigantic fart rip, which triggers a brain anneurysm and he instantly dies. Tony Stark is left wondering who is this gigantic purple man and how can he harness his gold shoulder pads?

2.) THE JUSTICE LEAGUE APPEARS

Tony Stark reclines back in his couch, only to see the Justice League knock on his door. "May we have a movie please? We have League Fatigue, you know what I'm saying?" Batman says.

"A whole new group of super heroes, I gotta call SHIELD!" Tony replies, only to find the League have burst into his house and begin raiding his fridge.
"We need all of this for evidence!" Martian Manhunter screams as he pounds gravy down his throat, clearly not having eaten in weeks.

The movie ends with the League crying themselves to sleep as Tony Stark looks on puzzled.

3.) TERRANCE HOWARD APPEARS 

"THE FUCK TONY?" An irritated Terrance Howard yells as he bursts through Tony Stark's door. "That other guy is an impostor. How the fuck could you not tell he wasn't me?"

"Uhmmm well I....uhmmm."
"OH I GET IT! ITS BECAUSE WE ALL JUST LOOK THE SAME IS THAT IT? FUCK YOU TONY. FUCK YOU."
"Hey man, I'm just gonna go open up a Hotel for Rwanda and for dogs if that's cool with everybody." Don Cheadle chimes in, ending the movie.

4.) TONY STARK AND BRUCE BANNER START MAKING OUT...FOR 30 SOLID MINUTES

Tony approaches Bruce, now working in Stark Tower and horribly delivers the line of,

"Bruce, I'm going to stop being Iron Man."
"But Tony, why?"
"Because the only iron I need....is the iron in my pants."

Then really sloppy awkward kissing begins, and doesn't stop for about half an hour, with both actors nervously looking at the camera, with the expressions of "Are we really doing this?"

Evan Witnesses a Street Fight Between a Giant Green Ape and a Karate Man

I was walking down the street the other day, when all of a sudden a frantic man ran up to me.

"Come quickly to my straw hut! It's a fight! It's a fight!"

Before I had a chance to reply, the man grasped my arm and dragged me into his hut wherein I proceeded to view the most insane skeptical I had ever seen. There I was standing with two other horrified viewers as a Giant Green Ape like creature fought a man in a karate gi.

"QUICK! SOMEONE CALL ANIMAL CONTROL!" I screamed as the man faced down the ape creature, fists clenched. At first, I had thought someone had gotten lost while on their way to a costume party, in both cases (!), but to my surprise, I was informed that this was a "street fight". Puzzled, I asked what that was.

"Oh man, you haven't seen one of these before? Its fucking nuts man." The guy next to me said.
"But why are they fighting?"
"...You know I have no idea. I think I heard something about proving who's the best or something. Maybe its a reality show?"

I looked for cameras around but saw none. Before I was able to ask another question, the karate man proceeded to SHOOT BLUE FIRE OUT OF HIS HANDS!

"HABLOOBLEN!" The karate man yelled or something like that, I couldn't hear over the fact that I was checking to see if I had FUCKING BEEN DRUGGED BECAUSE I WAS WATCHING A GROWN MAN SHOOT BLUE FIRE OUT OF HIS HANDS AT A GREEN APE.

"HOW THE FUCK DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?" I yelled out.
"Oh yeah, they can just do that sometimes." replied the man next to me.

What. The. Fuck? How is this the first I'm hearing about this? Is this just a big secret that everyone's been keeping from me for all this time? Work out, study hard, and shoot fireballs out of your hands by walking the path of the fist??? I don't remember that one in health class!

*Artist interpretation

The fight went from batshit insane to UBER BATSHIT INSANE as the Green Ape lept over the karate man's fireball and began exerting ELECTRICITY OUT OF HIS FUCKING BODY. How have we not harnassed the power of green apes to replace fossil fuels at this point? 

The two fought on for another two minutes until a ghostly voice screamed out, "TIME OVER!" and the karate man slumped to the ground, as the green ape jovially flipped upside down for a bit and clapped his hands. 

"What just happened?" I asked.
"Oh time was out. That one dude had less life?"
"Should we call a hospital oorrrr...?"

I got no response. I'm still sort of astonished by what I witnessed. Has anyone else seen a "street fight" before? I've also been told about "Sort of Combat"? I don't know what that is. If you happen to see a giant green ape on the loose, please call animal control. Also, if someone could teach me how to perform a "hurricane kick", I'd be eternally grateful.

*Shit's Bananas, son.

EVAN VALENTINE - THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING DIFFERENT *Behind the scenes*

Let's talk about my album:

My comedy album was recorded back in August at the Black Cat in Washington, D.C. Why did releasing it take so long? Life, essentially. I was trying to hammer out all the details, putting together everything with my move to Atlanta, find a job in that area (which I have) and get the cover album shot (big thanks to Brian Le for helping me with the latter part).

This is the culmination of years of standup for me. Bars, universities, conventions, open mics, etcetera, etcetera. The album itself is approximately 50 minutes long and I'm thinking of charging something like $5 for it. Let me know on this one; I think that's about the sweet spot for the overall cost.

Here's the tracklist:

1.) Intro - 00:00 - 00:13
2.) Live in DC - 00:14 - 01:30
3.) No Material - 01:31 - 03:49
4.) Blue Ribbon - 03:50 - 06:27
5.) Porno Machines - 06:28 - 08:55
6.) Emergency - 08:56 - 11:19
7.) Moonwalk Mansion - 11:20 - 12:58
8.) Garbage Mountain - 12:59 - 14:38
9.) Open a Feeling - 14:39 - 16:54
10.) Gotham - 16:55 - 19:05
11.) Game of Virgins - 19:06 - 20:09
12.) Diamond in the Rough - 20:10 - 21:33
13.) Surrender Dorothy! - 21:34 - 23:48
14.) Row Your Boat - 23:49 - 25:56
15.) Good old God - 25:57 - 27:53
16.) The Quilt - 27:54 - 30:47
17.) Christmas Memories - 30:48 - 33:11
18.) Apples From a Tree - 33:12 - 34:23
19.) Reefer Madness - 34:24 - 35:50
20.) Lucky Charms - 35:51 - 37:16
21.) Hit em in the Head! - 37:17 - 38:51
22.) Twilighting - 38:52 - 45:27
23.) Who You Gonna Call? 45:27 - End

Seriously, I had the most fun in my life recording this album, and I've played it about six million times... probably six million and one.

The show itself at the Black Cat was amazing and, seriously, if you attended and would like to receive a free copy of my album, just let me know. I love that venue and it was really a shot in the dark to book it, but I think this show has opened the Black Cat up to host more comedy related things. That alone makes it all worth it.

My one regret from the show is I flubbed up my rap song "Karate" with the insanely talented Chris Brooks. I think that was really a case of "Hey, Evan, you probably shouldn't try doing a rap song while trying to remember nearly an hour of standup material, a 20 minute musical about Thor, and organize everything for the night while also thinking about moving away from the area in a few weeks down the road." I do have an original recording of Karate, wherein I fucking nail the song so if you'd like a copy of that I can shoot it to you (it is really amazing, seriously, I'm not even bullshitting you). Song includes references of Iron Fist and Sho Nuff - what more do you need?

This is a bunch of verbal diarrhea now; sorry.

The title of the album, "That's What You Get for Being Different," actually comes from my Ghostbusters bit (that you can watch here: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/watch/IAintAfraidOfNoGhost), and I came up with that joke while driving to a show at Towson University a few years back. I was thinking about Slimer and trying to work on a joke about who he was before he died, a war veteran who had become incontinent maybe and I started thinking about that one scene in the hallway where Bill Murray just lights him up with like no reason whatsoever. Like yeah, OK, he's a ghost but a minor nuisance at best. If the hotel had just charged tickets to see him and thrown Slimer a half eaten hot dog every once in a while, none of this would have happened, but I digress.

Let me wrap this up, as I'm seriously thinking about typing three billion different things. With this album finally released, do I think I'm going to "make it" in standup? Hahaha... no. Making it is fucking HARD. You gotta grind yourself into the dirt and just do show after show after show, which I was doing for a little bit a couple years ago, but you start getting older and you start prioritizing and whatnot. Listen, I fucking LOVE doing standup. It's in my bones and I'm constantly trying to think of new jokes and perfect my act as I get older. We'll see where I go in the future but for now: Thank you so much for supporting my crazy addiction and for listenting to me jabber on.

If you'd also like to read some of the comic books that I've written (this has become a shameless promotion, I am the #1 whore), visit www.grayhavencomics.com and pick up Western, Further into the Abyss, and The Thing with Feathers.

Look for the album on iTunes very soon.

Joss Whedon Starts Firefly Kickstarter Campaign - Country Under Siege by Nerds Plundering for Donations

March 15, 2013 - With the recent success of the revival of the Veronica Mars franchise through a Kickstarter campaign, Joss Whedon began a campaign to restart his popular science fiction franchise, Firefly, which has sent the country into an economic and chaotic spiral into madness.

"I didn't mean for any of this to happen." Whedon said, holding a gun in one hand, a glass of whisky in the other. "I put up the Kickstarter page yesterday and was aiming to have a goal of $10 million dollars for the budget of the film."

"And how much money have you raised so far?"

"137 billion dollars." Whedon replied, and there appears to be no signs of the funds stopping.

When news hit the web of Firefly's potential resurgence, the fandom community went berserk. Many immediately left their jobs, picked up blunt instruments close to them, and began assaulting random passers by and financial establishments for whatever money they could find.

"When I heard the call of my lord, Whedon," said Malcolm Reynolds (originally Leonard Milton, who had recently legally changed his name to the main protagonist of the Sci Fi Western), "I instantly emptied my bank account into the Kickstarter and began 'encouraging' others to do the same, sometimes with force if necessary."

"I was held at gun point in front of my computer!" says Linda Blake of Santa Fe, Arizona. "These overweight men barged into my home, shoved a gun in my face and told me to deposit my money into Firefly. I kept telling them I didn't know what that was, but they just kept yelling at me in broken Chinese! I couldn't stop crying as they whispered over and over, 'Like a leaf on the wind. Like a leaf on the wind.' I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS."

Movie studios instantly took notice of the campaign and began a bidding war to be the ones to create the Firefly movie, which, at this moment, now has a budget of 154 billion dollars and counting.

"We here at Fox studios realize we made quite the miscalculation when we originally canceled Firefly by placing it during its original Friday night timeslot, we hope to rectify that if we win the bidding war."

"The Bidding War" as it is being called has long since stopped being about money, and is now the studios literally going to war with one another, buying up all the guns and ammo they can to try to destroy the other studios and their personnel in order to have Firefly for themselves.

"I just started this job yesterday." Says a new intern to Dreamworks. "They just handed me a gun and told me to kill everything I see. I don't even know what this is about!!....Firefly you say?....I am the angel of the death. The time of purification is upon us."

The intern then proceeded to wander out into the battlefield, killing three other interns from rival companies before falling himself to a mortar blast.

"Soldiers" from New Line Cinema pictured above.

"The tragedies just keep coming." Whedon stated, as he reflects upon the damage he has caused. "One studio head made a passing joke about restarting Firefly with Shia LeBouf as the lead. HE WAS RIPPED APART."

"I've gotta be in this movie now I guess." Nathan Fillion, star of Firefly said, as six burly men held shotguns to his head. "The budget is now at 235 billion and even if I didn't want to do it, they say they'll kill everyone I love if I don't. YOU'RE ALL ANIMALS, YA HEAR ME???"

At this time, the US Economy is nearly entirely based around Firefly products and copies of the television series on DVD and Blu Ray. Communities no longer wear clothing which they choose for themselves, rather, they all wear brown coats, as is dictated in the series. Children no longer learn about past world events, rather they are taught instructional lessons regarding how hot "Kaylee" is. May God forgive us for what we have allowed to transpire.