The Worst, Most Pathetic Job Ever

Hmmm. Now I've thought about this and come to the conclusion of what is the worst and most ridiculous/pathetic job that I could think of and it came back to one job and one job alone:

Yes, its the guys who put on the giant headed president suits and dance around/race across Nationals Stadium. What kind of pathetic unbelievable loser decides, "Hey you know what? I'm going to get paid less than minimum wage before I go to grad school and ride around on a segway, while simultaneously desecrating the memories of our founding fathers!"

Let's really take the time to examine this shall we? Its quite ghoulish when you think about it. Wearing the cartoonish visage of a dead man. Comically falling over in giant prosthetic heads while the presidents roll around in their graves because you feel the need to piss all over their memories. Now as a comedian, I make fun of people sure, its part of the job, but at least I leave them some shreds of dignity, and in doing so keep my dignity intact as well. If I were to go on stage and wear a giant plastic head of Susan B Arthur while doing a joke about her, she'd burst forth from her grave and strangle me to death. How do you think George Carlin REALLY died?

On top of this, we should examine the person who is inside one of these outfits. First off, they have no "life" to speak of. More than likely they have become shells of their former selves, the twinkle in their eye being replaced with a horror and disdain towards society that not even their best friends could begin to contemplate. Their hideous facial features, I'm guessing a mix between Forrest Gump and Dumbo with a gap in their teeth, covered by something that can finally have them accepted by society, kind of like how the village idiot was accepted by the townfolk for dropping his pants at the women folk during the monthly town meeting at the beer hall. Their emotional and mental states are walking a tight line between insanity and passive aggressive displacement.

Should these poor bastards ever have any kind of long lasting relationship, the nightmares of having been a human joke will surely catch up with them.

Imagine having sex with your loved one and while they scream out for you to say their name, instead you yell out, "Abraham Lincoln was the tallest American president!" Your loved one instantly stops, horrified, and while you, faux-Lincoln, attempt to cover your mouth, you instantly go flaccid. The only thing that will "get you off" from this point forward is recognition that your life was not a lie, and lets be serious, you wore a giant Teddy Rosevelt head and galivanted across a baseball diamond in front of tens of thousands of people, that shit ain't happening anytime soon.

Ok, you're probably saying "Whoa Evan. That seems a little rough don't you think? I mean its all in good fun. Everyone is having a laugh and the presidents aren't being disrespected THAT much." You know you're probably right. Maybe I'm being a little rough on these guys. I'm sure they're just normal folks and aren't really the horrifying stunted man children I'm making them out to be. Its not like they're REALLY disrespecting the things that these men lived and died for in their times.
Oh look, George Washington is about to receive the baton from a giant taco. I'm sure that's what Georgie had in mind when he was fighting for American freedom on the war torn country side against insurmountable odds.

Folks, how about we unite together and do something about "bad" comedy like this? How about we as a people step up and say, "You know what? This sucks balls! Can't we be entertained in a way that is thought provoking without giggling at human chuds wearing stupid costumes?"
Oh no, Roosevelt's on to me. Based on his demeanor, he's sex deprived and retard strong. This is going to be a rough one kids. Tell my family I.....!

The Real World is coming to DC!

Yes, you heard me right. MTV's the Real World is going to start filming in Dupont Circle for their next season and there isn't a chance in hell that I'm missing out on getting in on the festivities.

So I'm going to list off a number of things that I am going to do when the filming begins to really show the members of The Real World: Washington DC that DC is a great place to party and hang out.

1.) I will show up on the first day of filming wearing a fake moustache and proceed to say that I am the fifth cast member and my name is Jungo. Whenever someone asks me a question, I will repeat, "My name is Jungo! JUNGO!" I will slap whatever they are holding in their hands at this point, if they are holding nothing, I will ask them politely to hold a plate or a glass, then smack it away from them.

2.) Once getting ejected from the house, I will proceed to sit outside of the house, smoking newports and yelling for the "assholes inside" to play the Jonas Brothers, as they are part of MTV and should do as I say, as I am a resident of Washington DC.

3.) Hobos! HOBOS! HOOOBBBOOOOSSS!

4.) I will be hanging out at Dupont Circle bars (The Big Hunt for example) looking out for the cast members and the camera crews. When I see the cast members and the camera crew in tow, I will wave and yell out, "Hey! Its me! JUNGO! We spoke on the phone remember???"

5.) I will buy the cast members shots and ask, "So which one is the Puck of the house?" However they reply, I will instantly laugh and say, "That's such a Puck thing to do." I will then refer to that person as Puck for the rest of the night, constantly interupting other peoples' conversations, demanding that "Puck" be allowed to contribute to the conversation.

6.) I will ask the cast members to define what "Music Television" means and instantly inform them that they are wrong! Music television is obviously a channel that should be populated with shows about pre-pubescent girls getting railed in buses and taking lie detector tests.....while getting railed in buses. I will ask the cast members if they had seen the most recent episode of "My Super Sweet 16" or "Sex.....with mom and dad." If they reply no, I'll lean over to another cast member and in a very loud voice, proceed to ask, "The fuck is wrong with this knob job?"

7.) Once everyone has gotten wasted, I will then speak to the cast members about how "The Real World" will be the only thing of significance that they will ever do or be remembered for. Even if they discover the cure for cancer, which seems doubtful as I don't think that many biologists are part of the Real World demographic, they will still always be remembered for breaking the condom in the hot tub and contracting an STD....FROM JUNGO!

8.) When asked about my standup comedy by the cast members, I will ask them a question in response as in, "Who are your favorite comedians?" No less than 5 cast members will say Dane Cook. One will ask what it means to "stand up?"

9.) To fit in with the cast of the Real World, I'll proceed to vomit repeatedly in the bathroom, do more shots that necessary, make out with every hot chick in the bar, get into a fight, talk about how I had a traumatic experience because my ATV off road didn't start one time, and then rinse and repeat.

10.) Popped Collar! Popper Collar! Popper Collar!

11.) When questioned as to whether or not my real name is in fact, "Jungo" I will hang my head in shame and proceed to say,

"No. My name is not Jungo. My name is Evan Valentine. SON OF HAROLD! SON OF WENDY! COMEDIAN ART WARRIOR! BANISHER OF DEMONS! HARBINGER OF HILARITY! WEARER OF SIZE 15 SHOES! SHAGGY FROM SCOOBY DOO GOT NOTHING ON ME!" At which point I will begin peppering out body slams to everyone in the bar, which will cause a domino effect where body slams become the main focus of every show on MTV. While this is all happening, I'll be flexing on the roof of the establishment, making my law known to the masses on National Television. Thank you Real World, for visiting the lovely and wonderful DC.

Christ, Evan's pulling a Carrot Top

I've mentioned this before in a previous installment, but 83% of my life, I've been overweight. It might have been genetic, it might have been cause I was a junkie when it came to food, who knows. All I know is that weight has always been an issue for me, like I'm sure it has for many other people. In the past five months however, I have been going to the gym almost everyday and really changed my diet and for the first time in a long time, I am seeing extremely good results. In a few more months, I plan to have a six pack going (Not even joking on this one.) Currently I'm weighing in at 228, which is right in the "average" weight range for my height of 6'6. This is insane since I have never EVER been average weight for as long as I can remember.

Its funny because a famous writer actually wrote as one of his Facebook entries "Hey Dane Cook! Great comedians don't have six packs!" Now I'm not saying Dane Cook isn't a shitty terrible comedian, but why can't comedians have six packs? Are we all just hideos fucking chuds who schlop out of our sewer hideaways to get on stage and make people laugh? I say thee nay!

To start I thought I'd tell you what I do and how I've been maintaining my current weight loss/muscle building program:

1.) Getting off my ass in the first place. Let's face it, if there's one thing I've learned in my lifetime, its that people don't give a shit about your personality, at first anyway. Being funny for me developed as a mechanism for being a fat sloppy mess, so I thought to myself, "Hey, if I could be a cut well dressed mess, I'd be the ultimate human being! A guy with a personality and pythons!" The motivation was there as summer was about to roll around so I began to hit the gym.

2.) Joining an expensive gym. Key on the "expensive" part as its a pretty big motivator in actually getting you to go there. You're kind of tricking your brain into thinking, "If I don't go, well then I'm wasting money." If you have a free gym that is right next door to your house, well then you won't really be as motivated to go there and work at it. If you know you're paying a bit of money every month, well then you're good to go. Not to mention the pricier gyms can have awesome benefits like pools, steam rooms, and divorced widows trying to get their "cougar legs"

3.) Eating right. There is shit literally everywhere, it is still fucking RIDICULOUSLY difficult to completely stay away from sugar and bad shit for you. Try walking into a gas station and finding anything that is good for you. Its nearly impossible unless you plan on drinking the gasoline because you're insane and think you're a car.....or you could be drunk. Anyway, my basic diet on the weekdays is usually a turkey sandwich for lunch, a bag of baked lays, and water/diet coke (trying to wean myself off diet coke). From time to time, I'll also throw in a frozen yogurt. For dinner, I'll have two boiled chicken breasts, water/milk, and a 60 calorie jello cup (Sugar free). Basically, you're "tricking" your body into thinking its getting shit with stuff like frozen yogurt and the jello cups, and while those two things aren't exactly the best for you, they are leaps and bounds ahead of the 99% of the crappy desserts out there.

4.) Look at all those people who have been skinny their entire lives and never really had to worry about it and use that hate to push yourself into a whirlwind of manic activity. Seriously, this works so well for me, its crazy I know, but there's nothing like seeing a skinny guy/girl next to you just running ten miles a day and not even missing a beat. It'll force you to go that one mile extra fatty!

What doesn't work (For me anyway):

1.) Most of the diets that are out there. The atkins diet doesn't work that well because if you cut out carbs 100%, you're body is going to react to them badly when you introduce them back in, same with sugar, and trust me, you'll be craving a pizza at some point.

2.) Starving yourself. When I was a teenager, I did this once or twice, when I was playing football actually to make weight. I would go so far as to wear garbage bags and run for miles (I was the running hobo!) and not even spit so I wouldn't gain water weight. It was f-ed up.

3.) Working out and not dieting or vice versa. You HAVE to do both. There's just no way around it. You need to burn calories and gain muscle mass to make it easier to lose the weight, and you need to eat better to gain the muscle mass, and on and on and on.

So go out and kick some ass. See you when I become a Spartan.

The Ultimate Drinking Game that will kill you!

Many moons ago, in a land known as Bethesda, a game was invented that was so indisidous, so horrifying, that no man or woman could hope to come out of it with a shred of dignity or decency to their name. This my friends was the drinking game invented by the devil and christened in the fires of Mount Doom milennia ago.

This game blows Three Man apart, makes Kings look like a game for fancy boys, and makes the Power 10 look like the Wealk 3.5.

Do you dare listen to the tale I weave and dare challenge such a game? If you are a man or think yourself brave enough to partake in this drinking game, then continue reading.

To begin this game, you will need a house or an apartment, somewhere where people live, ya dig? Next, you'll need electricity, its that shit that shocks people and powers things like vibrators and waffle machines. Now, find a television that produces both audio AND visual. Find a dvd player or look for this particular movie on your netflix or On Demand, whatever venue you find most appropriate. Obtain a large amount of beer (You can try to do this game with hard liquor, but more than likely, you would die.)

Now for the most important step, begin playing the movie, "Elmo in Grouchland."

Did I just hear you snicker and giggle? Oh like this is a funny game to you? Well prepare to have your soul shattered!

To play the game, begin watching the movie, open up your beer of choice, and take a drink for every time Elmo says, "Blanket." Rest assured, within 5 minutes you will have drank 13 beers and will be on the floor.

When I awoke from my Elmo induced coma, I woke up next to a cow wearing a sombrero and a 1995 Ford Taurus filled with 32,000 Canadian dollars. I was in Lithuania.

Be warned and enjoy!

Crime is doomed bitches!

Let me ask the readers of my blog a question before I delve into this topic, which I thought of on my morning commute. Did you all go and see the Dark Knight? Did you all enjoy the Dark Knight? If so, does this make you a 300 pound shut in who lives in their parents basement and has never seen a girl naked before? No you say? Well obviously you must be lying!

Feeling a little put down by that? Well welcome to the club. If you are a person who will from time to time pick up a comic book and read it, I'm sure you've had some people look at you a little differently or think "Oh, he's one of THEM."

Yes, I read comic books. Yes, I've scaled back to a huge degree to make it more of a casual thing (no more heading to the comic book store on a weekly basis, just stopping in from time to time, but to be fair this is more in response to the high prices that have taken into effect with most of the books nowadays. I mean really, 3.99 ain't flying with me.)

And I know what you're thinking: Wow, Evan is a geek!

Well in a sense, of course I am, but I don't fall into that horrifying stigma of "geek with no life living in parents basement." Everyone has their "geeky" habits. Its not like the stuff just consumes my life or anything, I just like to read a comic book from time to time. I do everything I can to defeat the "nerd stigma" that seems to go along with this. I go to the gym 5 times a week, I run/swim 2-3 miles every other day, I have a high paying job as a marketing director, I do standup comedy on an almost weekly basis if not more, I'm part of a musical effort called Champions Productions, I shower on a daily basis, I drink, I smoke, I curse, and I try to have a blast being alive in general.

Now I bet you're asking yourself well, "Why do you read comic books in the first place if they paint you in a bad light" which seems to be the trend nowadays. Well, this brings me back to my first point.

Everyone I know who saw the Dark Knight loved it and almost everyone I know saw the movie. So now tell me, what exactly is the difference between going and seeing Batman punch the Joker on a large screen and reading it in an illustrated book? Anyone? Bueller?

Reading comics is synonymous with watching a Batman movie that has been continuing for the past 70 years, with all kinds of insane crazy crap happening. Ever wanted to see Batman fight a talking gorilla? I've seen it happen, about six times. Ever wanted to see Iron Man get shit faced and accidentally blow out a guy's chest cavity? Yep, I've read that one too. How about Spiderman making a deal with the devil to get rid of his own marriage? Ok I kind of WISH I hadn't read that one but you get the gist of it.

Anyway, a guy/girl who reads comic books isn't some social outcast huddling for warmth near his computer screen on a Saturday night, rather they're just normal people who like to read stories in that medium, no different from watching Heroes on NBC or Iron Man on Blu Ray.

One thing I like to do though is talk with people about comics I'm reading and make recommendations as to comics you might not know about or keep people up to date on what the fuck is actually going on in some books.

Case in point, Who the fuck is Batman right now?

Now if you haven't been keeping up with the funny books, you might say that "Bruce Wayne is Batman, you silly twat." to which I would reply, "No, he ain't!" while wearing a tuxedo and a monocle to show how classy I am.

To fill you in, Dick Grayson aka the first Robin aka Nightwing has taken up being Batman as Bruce Wayne has been thought "dead" by the populace at large, we know better. Robin is now Bruce Wayne's illegitimate love child of him and Talia Al'Ghul, Ras Al Ghul's daughter. His name is Damien, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

The most recent issue came out with their first adventure as the new dynamic duo and it was pretty damn fantastic, check it out if you get the chance.

But Evan, you say, "I'm not really down with the whole mask and cape shit." That's cool. Here's some recommendations for books you might be interested in that have none of those characters that do super hero-ish things:

WE3, Sandman, Preacher, Transmetropolitan, Scalped, Fell, Death: The High Cost of Living, Walking Dead, Hellblazer, 100 Bullets, RASL, Bone, Loveless, Ex Machina, Rex Mundi, Cassanova, etc etc.

Reading a comic is like seeing a movie, its all based on your taste and preference, so give them a chance, you might be surprised.

Conan O'Brien has arrived

And I'm glad I was there to see him get his start.

For those not in the know, Conan O'Brien's first show as the host of the Tonight Show was last night and I thought I'd give you a brief analysis of what I thought.

To begin, I have ALWAYS dug Conan O'Brien. He has always been my favorite of the late night talk show hosts. His comedy is right up my alley and in a lot of ways reminds me of myself, except older and somehow lankier.

So when I heard that he was going to take over for Jay Leno as the host for the Tonight Show, I was thrilled. Finally, the man is getting his dues and as Will Ferrel hillariously put it last night, "NO ONE thought you would make it! NO ONE!" It was good to see that a funny skinny Irishman was able to take over the spot of Tonight Show host.

Of course, and I've stated this numerous times to a number of friends, I am not thrilled about Jay Leno's dick move of moving to an hour earlier, thus sort of negating the impact Conan would have as being THE host for NBC. It makes it more seem like "well everything's just moving an hour earlier" rather than the transition from Leno to O'Brien that it should be.

I find Jay Leno's show to be, quite frankly, humorless. I really don't laugh much at most of his material and skits because they're too "safe". They're jokes written for everybody and 9 times out of 10, those jokes blow. With Leno though, he seems to be batting a perfect 10.

So why didn't Leno just roll with the punches and bow out with dignity and respect? Because he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and a severe mental problem. That's not even me joking.

At one point in Leno's career as the Tonight Show host, he brought on a psychiatrist to the show, who Jay thought should psychoanalyze him as part of a bit. What the psychiatrist discovered was actually pretty strange and stuck with me for awhile, which is the following:

1.) If no one makes Jay Leno dinner, he will eat frozen hot dogs over a sink, every single time.

2.) If Leno is not wearing a suit, he will wear the exact same outfit every single day, blue jeans and a blue collared shirt.

3.) Leno sleeps in an oxygen tent which he believes grants him sexual powers.

......Ok that last one was a lie but still, the first two are disconcerting. NBC is putting a LOT of faith into Leno as he is taking over the weekday 10 PM slots, and I'm more than certain things won't happen the way they expect them to.

But anyway, on to my review of Conan's first night.

One of the things I was always very nervous about with Conan taking over the Tonight show was that he would be toned down to be more "accepted" by the older crowd. You know, the crowd of humorless fucks who wouldn't know a good joke if it didn't involve making a joke about a jallopy or eating dinner at 4pm in the afternoon. I knew we wouldn't be seeing anymore of this in the near future:

I'll miss that damn bear. The loss of Joel the announcer was also a little rough, but getting Andy Richter back was a nice plus.

But anyway, despite being toned back, how do I feel that Conan did on his first night as host of the Tonight Show? I think he hit it out of the fucking park.

Starting with some good monologue jokes and proceeding to show a filmed skit of Conan leading a tour bus for Universal Studios through the studio, then taking them onto the streets of Hollywood. He then accidentally destroyed the letter "D" of "Hollywood" and proceeded to get a woman pregnant merely with the power of his Ford Taurus' engine, also Fabio showed up.

Will Ferrel was a great choice as the first guest as he and Conan have great chemisty and he's hillarious in most interviews. Pearl Jam put on a great performance as well.

I think overall, you couldn't ask for a better first show and I will continue to watch and support Conan whenever I can.

P.S. Does anyone really find Jimmy Fallon funny? I mean at all?

Who is my favorite comedian of all time?

Comedy is and always will be a big part of my life, so picking out a "favorite" comedian was always hard for me to do. I would certianly have favorites for sure (Dave Attel, David Cross, Patton Oswalt, Mitch Hedberg, etc), but its only until this year that I really picked one who was my all time favorite comedian.

I was actually listening to one of his specials the other day on my new laptop and was laughing so hard I started crying, and I think I had seen the special three times to that day. I've seen him live once, and am still dying to have him film/record his newest stuff.

He actually also wrote Pootie Tang if you can believe it.

Anyway, when you get the chance, check out Louis CK's stuff, as he is my favorite comedian and is awesome.