Tales of a Gangly Bastard

Pittsburg Pirates vs Chicago Cubs: THUNDERDOME

2010-06-07T12:07:00.000-07:00

Hearing about this game originally and watching it, it dawned on me how horribly depressing the scenario was, so I wrote this, I don't know why

“Hello, I’m Jeremy Buzzworthy and this is my partner in crime, Reggie Happenstance, welcome to a beautiful bright day here in Pittsburgh as the Pirates take on the Chicago Cubs. This is a great day for baseball isn’t it Reggie?”

“It sure is Jeremy, we have a record number of people in the stands today I hear?”

“We sure do Reggie, we have one and a half attendees today!”

“One and a half Jeremy?”

“Yes because we have two of Pittsburg’s favorites attending the game today in Crazy Mortimer and his dog, Smelly Old Scraps.”

“Now familiarize me about these two attendees if you please and for that one person listening to the game on a ham radio in Eastern Europe.”

“Well now, Crazy Mortimer has lived in Pittsburg all of his life and has attended the game today because in his drug ladled mind he believes that the game is actually a future war that has been started in his name. He also believes that this war is taking place in 1988. How a future war can take place in the past is anybody’s guess, except for Crazy Mortimer who knows how the cards are going to fall. Direct Quote Reg.”

“Fascinating. And I suppose that Smelly Old Scraps is his dog?”

“You suppose wrong. Smelly Old Scraps is a junkyard dog who has been homeless for the better part of his entire life and follows Crazy Mortimer around so that he can eat his dried up toenails which give Scraps the nutrients he needs to survive his world wary life.”

“Mortimer doesn’t seem to mind this dog chewing on his toes.”

“He certainly doesn’t. In his mind, Scraps is the Queen of England in the future war, begging for the war to stop, and Mortimer refuses.”

“He’s quite cold hearted in this insane scenario isn’t he?”

“He sure is. Now if you hear that sound of an abandoned baby crying, that means its time for the teams to take the field. As you can see the Pirates are wearing new uniforms that was donated to them by Frank’s Junkyard. If its trash, stick it in Frank’s heap!”

“Well that makes sense, as those uniforms can be considered “clothing” only in the fact that its attached to each of the players’ skin. The pitcher is apparently wearing a number of toilet seats that seem to be stitched together using barbed wire.”

“He sure doesn’t seem happy about that.”

“He will be when he gets his paycheck at the end of this game. As you may well know, every member of the Pittsburg Pirates gets paid thirteen dollars for every game they don’t pass out drunk during or hit a pregnant woman in the face.”

“And how many players have received pay checks this season?”

“That would be zero, but if you look into each of their eyes, you can tell that hunger is starting to set in so they we’ll have to see what wins out at the end of the day. Will it be their need for food and shelter or their need to get shit faced and punch pregnant women.”

“Only time will tell. Now here come the Cubs onto the field. The Cubs new owner has encouraged the Cubs to wear their new uniforms, which appear to be 300 pound bear suits. The owner believes these new uniforms will encourage ticket sales in the near future.”

“Quite possibly, although you have to wonder if the cost of losing six players in the first six games due to death by heat exhaustion could factor into his finances.”

“Oh well as part of signing up to be a member of the Cubs, each player has donated their body to science which nets the team around $300 per death, easily paying off the bear costumes.”

“I see. Well it looks like the Cubs are first at bat and the hitter is fumbling around, trying to see through the smile eyeholes that are punched into his makeshift bear costume.”

“The catcher appears to be signaling for the pitcher to throw a fastball…Nope, he’s just moving his fingers around so that the ants swarming out of the dirty diapers he’s wearing fall out onto the ground.”

“I see. The pitcher is winding up with the ball. Now the ball isn’t a standard issue baseball is it?”

“No sir, it appear to be made out of old chewing gum, hair, and thumb tacks.”

“Don’t quite know how this pitch is going to happen then considering the ball keeps sticking to the pitcher’s hand. Well lets see how this….uh oh.”

“What’s happening?”

“A five dollar bill must have been dropped by someone walking past the stadium and is slowly riding the wind into the stadium, when these baseball players see this, madness and chaos will ensue the likes of which have never been seen!”

“The cub at bat has already gotten sight of it and is now swinging his bat at anyone who is anywhere near the vicinity of the five dollar bill. The bat appears to be made of…..it looks like ham. A ham bat.”

“That’s correct.”

“Well I gotta ask you buddy, why wouldn’t he just sell the ham bat to a meat market or eat it himself.”

“Mostly because the ham, in order to be used as bat, is decades old and has petrified into a wood like substance which can easily crush a ball.”

“But surely the maintenance of said ham MUST have been more expensive than simply…”

“Sorry Reggie, but the field has now exploded with activity as the players are attempting to scramble to get that five dollar bill.”

“So much chaos and destruction for such a measly amount of money.”

“Measly to us maybe, but that money will allow those ball players to eat for maybe six years if they play it right.”

“The pitcher just laid out a pregnant woman who wandered onto the field, he’ll never see that paycheck for this game now!”

“The coaches are trying to stop this insanity to no avail. OOP There goes an arm.”

“And Crazy Mortimer is LOVING this. He appears to be banging two pots together in jubilant celebration, paying no mind to Smelly Old Scraps who is still gnawing away at those toe nails.”

“Now that’s dedication. Oh no, LOOK OUT FOR THAT FLAMING HAM BAT, ITS COMING RIGHT….”

*We are experiencing technical difficulties, we will try to return as soon as possible to the Pittsburg Pirates vs the Chicago Cubs: Thunderdome.*

Jay Leno sobs, bitches. and whines his way back into our hearts

2010-01-08T11:16:00.001-08:00

Well here's some more bullshit.

As you recall, in an older blog post, I said this:

"NBC is putting a LOT of faith into Leno as he is taking over the weekday 10 PM slots, and I'm more than certain things won't happen the way they expect them to."

And guess what, things didn't happen the way they expected them to.

I KNOOOWWWW!

So just to refresh your memory, or to fill you in on what has happened so far, before this television season, NBC looked at their 10PM time slot at night and said, "You know what, the dramas we have now aren't cutting it." So instead of working hard both creatively and financially to come up with great shows that capture the viewers' imagination and interest, they went the cheap route.

Years ago, Conan O'Brien was told he would become host of the Tonight Show at a very specific time. Leno agreed to this and confirmed it with both the network and O'Brien. Ok, everything appeared to be moving smoothly at that point. But as the deadline moved closer and closer, Jay Leno panicked and realized that, "Oh shit, if I stop doing the Tonight Show, I'll have to spend more time with my WIFE!"

So in a hissy fit of massive proportions, Leno proceeded to make it known to NBC that if they didn't appease his ego and give him something, he would take his show to another network and basically fuck over Conan O'Brien's tenure as host of the Tonight Show by having it take place at the exact same time.

Now some of you might be saying, "Well thats his right to do that because it was his show originally!" Well first off, that would be the case, had he not originally agreed to giving O'Brien the Tonight Show and then reneging his original agreement. Also, in case you haven't watched Jay Leno before, his show is fucking terrible. Its the comedy equivalent of staring through the window of an old folk's home. Its like having someone tell you theres a standup comedy show at a local club, and when you arrive, the bouncer kicks you in the balls and steals your wallet, then he learns your address and burns your house down.

In order to keep Leno from jumping ship, NBC decided to create a massive clusterfuck that has now blown up in their faces.

As soon as it was announced that O'Brien would be getting the Tonight Show, it was also announced that Jay Leno was going to do a "brand new JAY LENO SHOW!" an hour and a half earlier. This was done so that NBC could have 5 nights a week of boring shit that cost a nickel. NBC's line of thinking was basically, "Fuck it, if we're gonna fail anyway, we might as well fail cheap."

The first episode consisted of what was pretty much just business as usual. Kanye West's staged temper tantrum.....whoops I mean just temper tantrum aftermath helped prop up Jay's ratings. The only things that changed for the show really was the time placement of interviews and skits, and the set. WOW! MASS APPEAL!

While the first episode ran out the gate with good ratings, it plummeted like a stone after a week or two. Rather than say, "Oh shit, we really fucked this up!" NBC decided to look at how much money they were making by putting Jay Leno's variety hour on every night regardless of the show losing to Cable Networks and repeats at the same time.

"This is a year long plan, we'll wait and see how he's doing after a year! No matter what happens, we have not fucked up!"

......They fucked up.

So NBC did their best to ignore the horrible ratings and pretty much everyone on the planet saying, "This blows donkey dick", but NBC's affiliates were a different story all together. They had to beat them to death with their own shoes.

Now an affiliate, for those who don't know, is the station for each region that chooses to play NBC or Fox or ABC, etc. That's why its NBC 4 here in DC and something completely different in another part of the country. Its why the news at 11 differs from state to state and even from city to city. When NBC factored in their "cheap is better" plan, they didn't factor in the fact that if people hated to watch Leno, why would they both to tune in to watch the news station that directly follows Leno?

This makes me a little sad that this basically means that people are so lazy that they don't even bother to hit a button on their remote to change the channel to something different , but I digress.

So NBC, who was totally fine with Leno bombing and coming in 7th place every night due to lack of cost and the fact that there was so much product placement that the show probably cost nothing to make (Rated the top product placement show for the year.....even though it only ran for about 4 months.) finally folded due to the affiliates yelling in unison, "Cut the shit."

Affiliates were pissed. They were threatening not to show the Leno show and rather just show episodes of Seinfeld in its place, no joke.

NBC, for some reason being terrified of the power that Leno has (Regardless of his apparent lack of any power), has now caved into Leno's demands and is trying to negotiate a deal where Leno gets his old spot back at 11:35 for 30 minutes, pushing Conan back an hour, fucking him for the second time for Jay Leno who was supposed to be retired in the first place.

Now, here is a list of things that this will mean should this go through:

1.) The future of Conan O'Brien is now up in the air. How many times can a guy just get fucked over by his boss before telling them to piss off? It is rumored that Conan is pretty pissed off because of this deal and may be milling around for other networks, and rightfully so. Its really not right what NBC has done to him again and again after a proven track record. Best case scenario, Conan gets fucked and moves to a later time slot to appease Leno. Worst case scenario, Conan is never seen on television again.

2.) Old White People will be happy. Old white people ruin everything for everyone. They vote in record numbers for the wrong people. They sap medicare from young peoples' pockets. They smell bad. They watch shitty television and give shitty tv hosts power to be shitty tv hosts! To old white people, anything that offends them is seen as evil. Bland porridge comedy is their meal of the day and they slurp it down contently. Of course Jay Leno continues to be on the air when there's a hoard of 80 year old retirees hanging on his every word. Why won't they just die? Oh hi mom and dad.

3.) Jay Leno will NEVER GO AWAY! We're never getting rid of Jay Leno. Ever. His crippling OCD will never allow him to leave his horrid show and NBC is too terrified to stop him. I once watched the Jay Leno show by accident, went to a gun store, bought a gun, questioned why God would create such a horrible television program, and then stared at my gun for six hours. I pussied out from the direct route of killing Jay Leno or killing myself and the Leno gun still sits in my cabinet......waiting.

4.) We get to see just how completely far and away Television Executives are from reality. The plan from the start was fucking awful. It wasn't going to work. Everyone I talked to agreed it wasn't going to work. Everyone knew that a talk show, let alone a fucking Jay Leno talk show, just wouldn't hold up against hour long dramas. Television executives though thought this was a revolutionary idea which even garnered a Time Magazine cover, dubbing Jay Leno "The Future of Television!" Time Magazine can suck my dick.

5.) The Roots get fucked. Also....that Jimmy Fallon.......guy......fuck it. Nobody cares about him.

6.) Jay Leno. Will. Never. Go. Away. There is nothing I hate more than bland comedy. At least if a comedian is edgy but sucks, he's still trying to break the rules and turn some heads. Bland comedy is surrender. Its the bare fucking minimum and Jay Leno is their spokesman.

7.) Denim businesses everywhere will go out of business. I want you to do a little experiment right now for me. You're already reading this on the internet, so I want you to open a new window and go to google. Do an image search on Jay Leno. Look at every image where he is not wearing a suit. Do you see a pattern? The patten is denim. That is what Jay Leno wears all the time. Thats who Jay Leno. He is denim and denim is him. Also I bet his chin is holding his twin brother who died in the womb.

Thats a pretty good list I'd say.

By the way, when Leno heard rumblings of his possible cancellation, he proceeded to say, "Hmmm well I guess NBC stands for newly broken contract. Maybe I'll go on vacation. I hear Fox is good this time of year." Classy.

So NBC takes this huge chance on putting you at 10PM right? Like a monumentally HUGE fucking change. Basically telling everything else in their line up to go fuck themselves, for you, Jay Leno. There was even an interview with an NBC exec that stated, and I quote, "There's nothing wrong with Jay Leno, its everything else on the network, And when you can't deliver the ratings in, they do the best choice in their minds which is continue fucking over everyone who isn't you regardless of your failure, and yet you still take shots at them? God. Damn it. I'm not a big fan of NBC, but Christ, show some class Leno.

Now I don't know much about the original Leno/Letterman debacle that apparently had Leno fucking Letterman out of the Tonight Show hosting gig, but it just goes to show you that Leno doesn't really give a shit who he runs over as long as he gets what he wants. Sad really.

Evan Fixes Health Care

2009-11-10T18:35:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone,

So times are tough. The Health Care System in our country is broken, while the third world country that is Canada is somehow supplying free health care to their citizens. How is this possible? Where did America fail? Is it because we don't like hockey? Maybe its due to our lack of syrup?

Well I'm going to tell you a surefire way for the US to supply each of our citizens with a rock solid plan that we can all follow for each of us to have a solid future in health care's kind arms in 5 easy steps. So here we go:

1.) Throw water on the Homeless to make them melt like they were the Wicked Witch of the West.

Yes according to my ex girlfriend (boy I wish I was joking about this one), Homeless people are akin to evil witches who, when doused with a hefty bucket of water, will begin to melt into the ground allowing for an America that is purely white and thus completely fixing the health care problems. Man Republicans from Ohio who also happened to draw up terrorist plots for some reason (REALLY WISH I WAS JOKING ON THIS ONE) sure do have a vast knowledge of what America needs.

2.) BEARS!

Have you ever seen a bear get sick? I haven't! Lets follow in the bear lifestyle and begin going to sleep for months at a time. I don't see claws on my fingers so obviously something is wrong. Maybe if we were to lay on our backs and growl at salmon, we may never get sick again? Think about it.

3.) Get REALLY drunk!

Because if we're really drunk all the time, there is no way that anything can hurt us. One time I stubbed my toe while hammered and it only kind of hurt. BAM!

4.) Talk about sports. ALL THE TIME!

Hey remember how you got married when you were 21 and instantly went to get your law degree because you wanted to take the easy way out and have a lot of money but also have the most mundane life of anyone ever? Looking at forms from day to day, slowly watching your body decay into nothing while the woman you married slowly drifts further and further away from you because you got hitched at such a young age that you hadn't really developed into the person that you were meant to be? HEY DEREK JETER HIT A HOME RUN! Time to talk with all your friends about it who are in the exact same situation that you're in. United in your silent depression. Rather than trying to foster your creative side or put any thought into making an impact in the world, its time to discuss the achievements of others ad nauseum.....Oh wait what's that? Oh right health care. Uhhmmm. Shit.

5.) Become the Incredible Hulk

Follow these easy steps and you will never be sick again.

Whatever Happened to the Evan of Tomorrow or Halloween Has Come Again!

2009-10-01T15:52:00.000-07:00

Hello Boys and Girls! Its been awhile huh? Where have I been you may ask?

Well to lay it down in easy to digest bites, I moved to a new place, recorded lots of new stuff, did some comedy shows, put in relationship time, did massive amounts of 9 to 5 work, finished my Thor musical, and am now trying to adjust to all the goings ons.

Anyway, I thought I would take this opportunity to recommend a movie I had seen recently with a friend who managed to get a screener copy of this flick that I had been anxious for on and off for the better part of 2 years. Now before I say what this movie is, I want to tell you something about me when it comes to horror movies. As a child, I grew up fucking LOVING horror movies. I loved Jason, I loved Freddy, I loved Pinhead and Chucky and Michael Myers. It was weird but even at 11, I can still remember these guys scaring the crap out of me and my tiny self loving every minute of it.

As I grew in years and each one of these subsequent sequels for these movies got worse and worse, except for Freddy vs Jason which I thought was amazing B-movie fun, and Hollywood seemed to take a strange approach with horror movies. Something happened where Horror movies weren’t made to scare people anymore, they were made to churn out a quick buck and thus were going to need to be tailored to everyone seeing the movie, from ages 10 to ancient. This caused a huge decline in the overall quality of horror movies.

Horror movies nowadays, if not a remake or a sequel, all follow the same basic formula, cast a bunch of pretty late teen or 20 somethings in a movie, put them in a dire situation involving a killer or maybe a ghost or something, sprinkle in some “shock” scares and you’re good to go. The problem with this is that we now have Saw part 7 and the fact that movies like this churn out big bucks make it all the more worthwhile for studios to not break the cycle.

Rest assured, this constant barrage of shitty horror cinema has sent me on something of a quest. A quest to find “good”, “recent” horror movies. Now what would you say is the ratio of “good” to awful horror movies that are released nowadays? One to ten? One to twenty? If we’re really going to be honest, I would say its something like One to Fifty. Out of every fifty horror movies that are released, whether it be on DVD or in the theaters, there’s one that is good. I’m not even saying its great, I’m just saying its good.

Well my friends, I’ve come here to tell you about a movie I’ve seen in the past week that completely blows away every horror movie that has been released in the past decade. This is a movie that, for some mind-boggling reason, was decided by the studio not to be released in theaters. There are many theories as to why this is, including problems with the investors, too much violence against children, not enough “star” power, etc etc, but you can be certain that Warner Bros made a huge mistake when they decided not to release this flick the way it should have. Instead, everyone will need to wait about another week to see Trick ‘R Treat.

What is Trick ‘R Treat you may ask? Its an anthology of sorts. The movie shows five different stories all taking place on Halloween night. I figure I’ll take the opportunity to delve a little further into each of them (For those worried about spoilers, don’t be, I’ll keep these as general as possible without getting into any specifics).

The first story revolves around a couple getting back from a Halloween party and perfectly sets up the pace and storytelling that the movie is going to convey. It also shows you how perfectly they seem to have molded a family Halloween story with gore and straight up terror. I came up with the analogy that this movie is what if that episode from the Adventures of Pete and Pete revolving around Halloween was merged with John Carpenter’s Halloween.

The second story revolves around a group of early 20s girls working on getting their friend laid at a Halloween party (See, they did manage to throw some in!) Anna Paquin is in this one and looks pretty damn amazing if I do say so myself. Now let me explain how each of these stories are laid out. You’ll be introduced to the characters and the scenario and then from time to time you will drift to another story and eventually make your way back to the original. All the stories themselves weave their way into the others, so while you could technically watch each one of these stories alone, watching the entire movie in one sitting makes you appreciate each tale even more.

The next story revolves around a high school principal who happens to have a few secrets in his closet, played by the talented William H Macy. This individual story wraps up with the great notion that this movie will lead you in one direction and make you think one way, and then instantly toss your original idea out the window and make you feel stupid for not thinking how the story would go down from the beginning.

The following story, and this by far is my favorite story of the bunch, revolves around five kids, a rock quarry, jack o’lanterns, and a story of a bus with some special children on board. This is the story that is not only terrifying, but is set up in such a way, that it really shows you how much passion the guy who made this movie had while creating it. There’s this amazing shot where the kids in their costumes are holding their jack o’lanterns and looking over the precipice of the quarry into nothingness that is just so God damn spooky and breath taking. Not to mention I think that the “accident” in the flashback during the tale is played with so much dread and so much anticipation, that when it delivers, and boy does it deliver, it just helps to reinforce how great a movie this is.

The next story revolves around Old Mr. Kriegg, played by Brian Cox and involves the “antagonist” of the film in Sam. Sam, who can be seen in the poster above, appears throughout most of the stories in some capacity, either as a witness or as a direct player in the story. Sam is basically a Trick or Treater who is looking for some candy and has a deep respect for Halloween, he also happens to be homicidal at times. And don’t worry, they show you what exactly Sam is, but trying to figure out where the fuck he could have come from or what the hell his origin is happens to be another story altogether.

Trick R Treat, a movie that is not a sequel and not a remake, reminds us that good horror movies ARE POSSIBLE, you just need a little originality and zombie children.

The Video Rental Store - A Thing of the Past

2009-08-04T06:04:00.000-07:00

The video rental store. When we all have kids, and I guess some of you reading this may have already had some and in response to that, sorry that the condom broke, I find it interesting that a lot of things that we found standard will go the way of the dinosaur. Places like Blockbuster will be one of them. It seems so odd that we will not be able to tell our kids, "Do you remember a time when movies weren't directly installed into your brain? Also, do you remember when ants weren't the size of cars and we didn't need to fight them to survive? Good times. Good times. ANTS!"Anyway, I digress. Back to the subject of the video rental store, I've had a history with such stores. Before Blockbuster, I used to go to Erol's. Now if you all remember Erol's it was pretty much like Blockbuster, except sort of disorganized and instead of holding the movies on shelves, had all the VHS tapes on metal holders or something. Maybe this was just my Erol's but it was strange.

My parents would take me to Erol's about once a week and let me pick out one movie, that is until they started renting video games. I cannot tell you how it blew my mind to be holding a copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3: The Manhattan Project for the 8-bit Nintendo in my grubby little hands and realizing that I could play it for 5 days for free. I was flipping the fuck out. This was bad in the respect that renting out old Nintendo games didn't exactly work on the same level as renting out the cd and dvd games of today, oh no. Mostly because they were always in worse condition overall.

I clearly have a memory in my head of being 6 or 7 years old and flipping my shit when I saw that they had a "Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers" game for the old NES. I got the game, put it into the Nintendo, and the traditional red screen came up. I blew on the cartridge, put it back in, and again it didn't work but was coming through a little bit clearer. I remember that this was one of the first times in my life that not only did I swear, but I swore like a fucking sailor who just got crabs by the dock while on shore leave. My sister was sitting there waiting to play as Dale and asking,

"Why won't it work?"
To which I responded, "This fucking piece of shit! GOD DAMN IT! STUPID MOTHER FUCKING" for literally 10 minutes, swearing in between each time I would blow in the cartridge and slam the game back into the open slot. Eventually, I got the game to work and I played as Chip, because Dale had down syndrome, and threw apples at mechanical dogs. Fun was had by all. But the fact that the game didn't work right away had a small contribution to my constant swearing and bitter outlook on life, so thank you for that video rental store.

My first job ever was at a Mom and Pop Video rental store near my family's house on the mean streets of McLean VA (where the only way you could survive was by having six cars.) I was a sophomore in high school and worked about 30 hours every week over the summer, wearing a goofy white shirt and working behind the counter. The job was atrocious, sure we didn't get to watch movies on the screens while working like I had originally thought we would but we did get to take out movies for free once we signed them out as a consolation prize.

My boss was, how do I put this, a scum sucking asshole. He treated his employees like shit, paid them under the table so as to avoid paying taxes, and was very mean spirited all around. But Evan, you might ask, how can you prove this? Well good question. One day, I was working beside him at the counter, which I always dreaded, and he proceeded to get into a screaming match with a customer who had a late fee that the guy refused to pay that was like 4 dollars. My boss REFUSED to let this go and went so far as to follow the man outside and berate the man while he tried to get into his car. My boss tried to stop the man from leaving, while the man was driving, so in response, the guy slammed on his gas and barreled my boss through the window of the store.

Swear to God. He then proceeded to use that story to his advantage, talking about it constantly, almost posting a sign that said, "Hey I got hit through a window, rent my tapes!" Ok maybe not the latter but he might as well have.

Aside from my boss, the constant barrage of pissed off people helped in crushing my soul. I remember one guy came in piss ass drunk and once it was discovered that he had a huge overdue fee on Charlie's Angels, proceeded to berate me verbally and rip up his membership card, yelling, "I AIN'T NO FUCKING FAGGOT!".....Yeah. I will also always remember the case of a family that walked in with their two children.

One of the kids was a ten year old boy and the other was a six year old girl. The two parents wanted their kids to be able to write their address down on their own, so they used the video store and the membership applications as their "venue" for this "event". What followed had to be the weirdest fucking thing ever. First, the six year old girl wrote out her address in like a minute and proceeded to say, "All done!", meanwhile the ten year old boy was having some problems. The funny part was the kid was completely normal, there didn't seem to be any problems with him mentally from what I could tell which made this all the weirder. The ten year old proceeded to try to cheat off his six year old sister, to which his parents stopped him and said, "We aren't leaving until you write it."

This caused the boy to LOSE. HIS. SHIT. He ripped the paper apart and literally had a screaming temper tantrum in the middle of the store. I remember looking at this kid as he began chucking video tapes across the store and saying to the parents, "You know, he doesn't really need to fill out the membership application or anything."
"HE'S GOTTA LEARN! DAVID! DAVID YOU STOP IT!"

This went on for twenty more solid minutes.....TWENTY. MINUTES. David, the apocalyptic boy who couldn't write his own address at the age of ten, made me just a little more bitter that day.

Another horrific story was when I had taken out a free video, as we were allowed to do, in Varsity Blues. I hadn't seen it before so I rented it out, and watched it. Late on Saturday night, I got a call from my boss who was losing his shit because I had a copy of Varsity Blues out, "ITS THE STORE'S NUMBER ONE MOVIE!", and he demanded that I return it immediately or I would be fired. I rolled my eyes, got into my car from whatever I was doing, and returned the video. Arg the horror.

So anyway, I've had a love/hate relationship with the video store during my life. I feel that when Netflix came along, and we didn't have to put up with Blockbuster's crap on a regular basis, the store was doomed. I found it hillarious when Blockbuster created Blockbuster online to try and compete with Netflix. Their pitch might as well have been, "Hey, we're Blockbuster. If you don't rent from us, you ain't shit. Its just like Netflix but twice as expensive and much slower. But again, we're Blockbuster. The fuck you gonna do?"

It was even funnier when they put together their fail safe plan of "No Late Fees......kind of?" where you would rent out a video and get it for two weeks, BUT if you forgot to bring it back after those two weeks, you would have to pay the price of the video. Fucking brilliant Blockbuster. Bravo. Granted you could bring back the video and pay a "re-stocking fee" but again, that IS a late fee, so the whole concept is retarded.

So, while we may always remember Blockbuster, I'll glady take Netflix and Gamefly any day of the week. Also, I'll be ready for those damn ants.

Evan Writes Twilight

2009-07-29T05:55:00.001-07:00

Keeping in mind that I know nothing about Twilight outside of it having vampires, teenagers, and is genuienly considered to be garbage. I have seen the trailer once or twice and have heard accounts of the movie itself from a few friends who have seen it, but generally don't know shit about the overall plot/characters etc, so I thought I'd take a swing at writing a chapter or two. Here we go:

Twilight Chapter 1: The Twilighting

Susan McAverage stepped out of her dad's Toyota Chevy Hardcore Truck, loaded to the brim with pictures of the United States and bottles of Jim Beam. Today was her first day of high school at the sleepy town of "Mysteryville" and as she was the first member of her family to attend a school of any kind, the responsibility of bringing the McAverage name into the light of day fell on her.

"Don't worry Dad, I'll make you proud."

"DON'T TOUCH MY TRUCK!"

Susan's father shoved her out of the truck and threw her backpack out of the opposite window, watching it tumble quickly down a nearby hill. He then took a swig of a bottle of Jim Beam, slammed his foot on the accelerator and began playing Ted Nugent's "Wango Tango" as loudly as he could.

"See ya later boner!" was the last thing he said before peeling out away from Susan and hitting a nearby lamp post. Susan smiled knowingly.

"That's my daddy." She thought as she brushed herself off and arose to her feet. The prospect of a new school was exciting to Susan, but she was nervous that she wouldn't fit in. What's a new girl with a size two dress size and a 36 double D chest supposed to do when everyone already knows each other? Susan was getting more nervous. She would need to do her best to fit in.

"Hey new girl!" Susan swung around with a big smile on her face, ready to accept the challenges of her new school, staring at a group of cheerleaders whose arms were crossed and looking directly at her. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Mysterytown."

"MysteryTOWN? Uggghhh. That means you're from the country! Countrygirl! We instantly hate you! Right girls?" The cheerleaders nodded in unison, looking at each other and shaking their pom poms in unison. "You are such a loser. You should wear a bonnet on that perfectly proportioned head on top of that dead sexy body with no real imperfections to speak of."

"Stop it! You're so cruel." Susan wept openly, the cheerleaders chewing their gum and laughing in unison. Susan, in her confusion, tripped like a person with Down Syndrome on a nearby ledge only to witness an oncoming delivery truck hurling straight toward her. The driver was too busy reading Des Cartes to notice that Susan was there! Oh no!

"So the meaning of life is perpendicular to the meaning of the soul and.....OH SHIT BANANA!" The driver yelled out as he tried to spin the delivery truck around but it was too late, Susan was done for. Or thats what she thought until she noticed a figure dart in front of her and place his hand over her shoulder while also extending out his arm, stopping the truck instantly.

"Are you all right?" The figure asked as Susan gazed deeply into his cold, black eyes. His hair stood up straight like a penis ready for some action, his breath smelled like flowers and other shit that girls like, his strong hands felt like they had been making sausage in an abandoned warehouse with a meat grinder for the better part of the day.

"I'm....fine. Wow, you stopped that truck with your hand!"

"Ain't no thang." The figure stood up and brushed off his shoulder, before giving the driver the evil eye and walking away.

"Wait! I need to know the name of the man who saved me." Susan cried out as the figure stopped and walked back toward her.

"My name....is DJ Vampire 'n Shit." DJ Vampire 'n Shit instantly put on his Berkley sunglasses and snapped his fingers like it didn't matter at all. He began walking away as Susan followed.

"DJ Vampire?" Susan asked.

"'N Shit Bitch! 'N Shit! Damn! Making a mother fucker repeat himself twice like. God damn! Ain't you got no sense of timing and dramaticy" DJ Vampire 'n Shit lit up a Newport, took one puff and threw it on the ground, just because he could.

"Sorry. My name is Susan. Susan McAverage."

"Well McAverage, if you want to survive in the town of Mysteryville, I would suggest you watch where you be steppin."

"Good advice, tee hee." Susan bit her lip and began playing with her hair, realizing that she would be late for school but not really caring. "So uhhhmmm do you like go to school here or anything?"
"I go to the school of the damned. I play kickball in the nether regions of human darkness and sorrow. I eat lunch in the cafeteria of longing and pain. I dissect frogs in the science lab of despair. I go to the prom in the gym of nihilism. After school I get picked up by my mom in the minivan of degradation and sin."

"Radical. I'm from the country."

"Pssshhh shit bitch, quit tripping all over my words like you got down syndrome." DJ Spoke as he brushed off his shoulder.....TWO TIMES!

"Sorry about that. So, how did you stop that truck? What are you?"

"I think you know what I am. Say it!"

".....Are you a Frankenstein?" DJ Vampire slapped himself in the forehead. "Oh no I know. You're a mummy. That's why you're so pale."

"I'm a vampire bitch! DJ Vampire n Shit. God damn! You got a case of the stupids or something?" Susan looked at him with a confused look, causing DJ to roll his eyes. "Man whatever. Listen you want to go hit up my car and do the deed 'fore you got to be a bitch and go to school?"

"But if you're a vampire who's a million years old, wouldn't that be considered pedophilia?"

"SHUT UP!"

"DJ VAMPIRE N SHIT!" A booming voice burst through the night air, because it was night now for some reason. "WE MUST HAVE WORDS!"

"WHO THAT IS?" DJ Vampire responded.

"IT IS I! YOUR BROTHER! "Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap"!"

"Oh shit, my brother Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap." DJ Vampire 'N Shit was astonished to see his brother Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap. The two brothers were almost exactly alike, but Gotta Be Fighting Them Hoes Off With My Fangs 'N Crap was bigger, stronger, hair was taller, and was all around better looking than his younger brother.

"We must settle our age old conflict. After countless eons of struggle, this age old battle must end and only one of us may survive the night, which it is now......which makes complete sense."

"But how can we settle that shit?" DJ questioned.

"The only way we know how. By playing baseball....with our shirts off!"

"OH SNAP!"

End Chapter 1

"Shaq vs" Oh the humanity.

2009-07-20T07:52:00.000-07:00

Shaq is a rich man. Shaq is a man who can play a great game of basketball. Shaq is not very good at other things, but believes himself to be, which makes for a pretty entertaining time whenever you watch him do....well....anything really. This is why I am really looking forward to the newest show that Shaq has in the works which is appropriately named, "SHAQ VS."

Shaq has decided that all who oppose him will be crushed, but not only crushed by either him pummeling them to death with his mighty fists or him schooling them on the courts in basketball, oh no, in order to dispense justice, Shaq will own all fools in their God given talents. Shaq will compete with Michael Phelps in a "Who can swim the fastest competition" Oh I can just see how this is going to go.

Future competitions will include: Football against Ben Roethlisberger, Tennis against Serena Williams, Beach Volleyball against Kerri Walsh, boxing against Oscar De La Hoya, and the ability to create life against God. Shaq may actually be able to wreck Oscar De La Hoya in boxing if you think about it and I bet God is quaking in his boots on the life thing.

I say to Shaq, why stop at sports and deity competitions? Why not show your dominance in all walks of life? Take on the greatest teacher in the world and teach HIM knowledge on the world of Shaq (which includes the Superman Symbol, Kazaam, and DUNKING SICK BASKETS!). Take on Barack Obama in a presidential contest by balancing the country's budget....BY DUNKING OVER HIM! There's an old woman across the street from me who says she can macromai herself a sweet tea cozy, beat her at her own game.....BY BRINGING IT TO HOLE! While we're at it, why don't you show Elton John that....

I was actually going to say beating him in a piano playing competition but good effort Shaq, eye of the tiger! I look forward to your future endeavors, and hope that when you, Shaq, become president of basketball, you'll remember the little people who made it possible, like me, writing this blog entry.

Green Lantern is a racist!

2009-07-09T08:23:00.001-07:00

Wow. What an asshole that Green Lantern is. SO racist. Every time I see him, all I can think of is how he uses his ring at clan rallies and Republican conventions. We all seem to be missing out on the real threat here, which is those fucking purple skin assholes. Man, they are always getting into my business like, "Hey, I have purple skin. Back off! What you want man? Just mind your business. Just mind your business."

But Evan, you say, Green Lantern isn't a racist just cause that guy says so. You're right, he's a racist because he fights "villains" who are committing "evil" deeds. "Villains" like the aptly named "Black Hand".

Man, what a raw deal this guy got. All he was doing was looking for his car keys using lit up dildo he found in his grandmothers closet. He wears the costume with an arrow on the mask so he remembers how to put it on. Yes, not only is the Black Hand representing his pride in another race, he also has down syndrome. Wow, Hal Jordan just takes pot shots at everybody.

And when Black Hand couldn't find his keys to drive Mr. Green Lantern to the store to get a pack of smokes, what do you think Mr. Jordan did?Yep, he burned his hand off. Oh the irony is delicious and wrong.

But you know what Black Hand is going to be all right. He's an optimistic guy and surely the loss of his hand won't deter him from achieving his dreams. Right BH?

JESUS CHRIST NO! BLACK HAND! He was THREE DAYS FROM RETIRING! OH THE PAIN OF IT!

Listen, if you're offered a power ring that turns you into a space cop, do the right thing and don't let the power go to your head. And also don't be a small infant.

Evan vs. The Metro

2009-07-08T07:18:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the District of Columbia Metro system, the fifth circle of hell for traitors and thieves. We will take you where you want to go, but get ready to be crammed into a sardine before you get there you hopeless bastard! Muhahahah!

Ok, maybe thats a little much but you get the general idea.

I've been taking the Washington DC Public Metro ever since I started going to high school at Gonzaga in downtown DC and have continued doing so for a good portion of my life and let me tell you, the metro is a gift and a curse rolled into one abominable package. Recently its been more like the fucking Bumble from Rudolph the Reindeer before getting his teeth kicked in.

Now recently, a really horrible accident took place in the Metro which was one train ran into another and caused a few deaths, numerous injuries, and an overall "holy shit, everytime the metro squeaks and creeks, that's probably rats eating the brake cables, thus ensuring our untimely demise".

In response to this, or possibly the fact that metro has a less number of trains due to crashes and lack of money, there is now one train that is running for all of DC. Ok this is an exagerration but what isn't an exagerration is that there is basically one train coming every ten minutes for everyone. Every. Ten. Minutes. This is during rush hour mind you. I have never EVER seen or been in more cramped quarters than the ones that have been created now due to this accident.

When will this clear up, when will more trains be acquired, and when will we get more than one train every lunar cycle? Who knows. All I know is that I'm getting into work thirty minutes later every day, crammed against everyone and that isn't exactly thrilling.

Life taught me to love, the metro has taught me to hate. Here are things I now hate thanks to the metro:

1.) Backpacks/luggage/etc.

Ever since they started putting wheels on all bags and luggage, everyone has decided to wheel their shit around behind them at all times. I guess this is the next step in human evolution as we begin to move further and further away from doing......anything really. These little nightmares have become such a hassle for everyone who is not carrying the actual luggage. This luggage now makes one person turn into the equivalent of three, pulling it behind them and causing people to trip and crash into the side of metro walls. We're getting off at Metro station people, I don't see an airport! Why are you carrying that friggin thing?!?

2.) The "Voice" of the Metro

You know, the "voice", the woman who robotically and unemotionally tells people on the metro what steps to take when it comes to drinking soda or not getting your legs chopped off by an out of control train car. I have heard, "Step back, doors closing *Bing bong*" so many times that I hear it when I go to sleep now, its carved into my brain. Not only that but the "voice" also tries to feed everyone paranoia every once in awhile. "Excuse me, is that your bag? Please ask someone near a bag this question." the voice says as I'm waiting for a train. I roll my eyes as the "voice" apparently thinks that places like Adams Morgan and Van Ness are constant terrorist hotspots where unattended bags are harbingers of death. You have more of a chance of being killed by bees than terrorists, so why doesn't the "voice" tell me to watch out for bee hives or shark attacks or falling coconuts?

It would be way more easy to swallow a lot of the "voice's" advice if it were actually a cool voice like the voice from the movie trailers or Curly from the Three Stooges. "Hey! Make sure your baby doesn't fall on the third rail or else goodbye baby!......Yuck yuck yuck."

3.) The Metro Drivers.

Now this can be 50/50 for the most part, but a lot of the time, doesn't it seem like they're sitting up in the front and fucking with people? I remember one day recently there was a report that people were getting sick on the train which was causing delays and I noticed why as the train proceeded to start moving, then stop, then start again, then stop, then start again, then stop, and again and again and again before even reaching the next platform. Its like a roller coaster.....of boredom and depression.

4.) My nose.

The horrifying smells of people is amplified when you're trapped in a car with everyone and can't even move. I never really knew what depression smelled like until the Metro. Someone literally farted right next to me this morning and my soul started to cry.

5.) People.

Nothing makes you appreciate humanity more than being squeezed to death by the masses on a speeding bullet. Its kind of a test of your humanity in a way when you're on the metro in trying to beat the "pack" mentality of it. Its a rough thing to say but its true in some ways. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people SPRINTING to get on a train only to be caught in the doors, causing them to stall, swing open, then slam shut again as the person wiggles their way into the car. Charming. Even before the accident and the trains, people would do this ad nauseum. Yes, we all want to get where we want to go, but honestly, can't you just wait for the next car, it'll be there in a few minutes.

One instance, I was crammed into a car in the morning and the doors swung open and a man in a suit stood outside of the car. Now, the man did not believe there could possibly be no room for him in the car, even having seen the evidence that everyone was to the point of not being able to breath and proclaimed, "Could everyone just move in so I could get on the train?" People kind of shrugged after he said this, which caused him to get red and the face and say, "Yeah that's right, don't say anything!" as he stood there tapping his foot against the platform. "Unbelievable!" At that point, I wanted to take the business suited man and cram his face into the armpit of the fat old lady next to me and yell, "HERE YOU CAN HAVE IT!" Oh sweet justice.

So for the record, until this whole mess is cleared away, I would highly recommend taking your car into work cause the metro is fucking clownshoes at the moment.

Evan's Lessons from the Weekend!

2009-07-06T06:38:00.000-07:00

Good morning Tales of a Gangly Bastard readers. Hope everyone had a nice and good weekend. Mine was quite long and relaxing for the most part. It was also very informative. I learned a number of things.

1.) The last thing that you ever want to say to a police officer is, "I'm going for your weapon!" This is the best way in the world to get choke slammed. Now keep in mind, I myself didn't do this but outside of a bar on Thursday night, I was witness to someone yelling this as he got taken to the ground. The kid was either so drunk or so hopped up on adrenaline, that when they started tasing him, he shrugged it off and yelled, "ITS FEELS GOOD! YOU'RE A BUNCH OF BITCHES!" It was funny and sad in the fact that the guy was literally one step away from me on the sidewalk and I forgot to take a picture. It reminded me of the "Don't tase me bro!" but in reverse. And no, thats not me in the picture, but a strange facsimile.

2.) The Angus burger at McDonald's is fan-fucking-tastic. I know I've been on the recent health kick recently, but when I heard that they were starting to serve these here in the DC area, as they do in NYC, I was giddy. Go out and try one of these at least once.

3.) I know where the Real World house is now. Its true. I visited it in a drunken stupor and actually spoke with one of the cast members. I asked him, "Hey, is this the Real World house?" he looked at me sadly and nodded his head, almost as if he didn't originally know what he was getting into. Jungo knew though. Jungo always knew. Here's a picture of the house by the way, pretty damn nice.

4.) Dead Set is an amazing show about zombies that was made by the BBC. It was about six episodes long. Watch it when you get the chance.

5.) I don't know what the story is behind this picture, but I NEED to. The dog looks like his brain is about to shoot out of his nose.

6.) I need to stop writing Thor so damn much and start writing standup again. I have the problem of being too much of a perfectionist though. Current new material I'm working on:

The Stork, Sarah Palin joke (wow how original), Dad fights a bear, and about a zillion other things I have brewing in my head that need to be put on paper. I also need to just debut Archibald F Trousers already.

7.) I am so torn on whether or not I should see Transformers 2. Half the people I know say it is the worst movie ever made while the other half says it is awesome. You can see why I am torn.

Evan Answers Questions

2009-07-01T07:32:00.000-07:00

For today's blog, I thought I'd get some questions from my Rogues Gallery that I could answer. Feel free to keep throwing questions and I'll update accordingly.

Our first question is from Christopher Brooks and he asks,

"Dear Evan, Why don't you get a haircut?"

This is a good question. Chris has the ability to ask good questions because he does not have a job. People with no jobs can ask good questions.

Anyway, Chris, I tend to have two different hairstyles that I like to go for. Aside from the nice goatee I have going, which gives me a very Oliver Queen look going right now (Oliver Queen is the Green Arrow, as pictured below):

I usually like to have my hair either fairly long or really short. I've always been kind of "Shaggy" in that respect. At some point, I'll shave it all off again and start the whole process over. When I had my "ultra shaved look", a girl told me I looked like an "IRA Terrorist". I tipped my hat, blew up the bar we were in, and then skipped away. Everything worked out fine.

So basically, at some point in the near future, I'll shave it all off again or clean it up a little.

Our next question comes from Mr. Ben Russell. Hello Ben. His question is:

"What's the strangest thing you've ever intentionally placed in your ear, nose, and/or throat?"

Well Ben, thats a good question. When I was six years old, I was playing with a pile of marbles and beads that a member of my family had left lying around. During which, I thought it would be a great idea to see how far I could jam a bead up my nose and then shoot it out by blowing out air. I crammed a bead up my nose and then tried to shoot it out.....No good. I tried again, nope still crammed up there. I started to panic and went a good 30 minutes before giving up and tugging at my mom's dress.

"Mom" I said. "I have a bead stuck up my nose."

She panicked and was trying to get it out by spraying water up my nose to no success. So off to the doctor we went where proceeded to shoot some kind of gunk up there and used some tweezers to get the bead out. Remember that scene from Total Recall?Kind of like that.

Our next question is from Mr. Chris Piers, editor of the comic books Invincible and The Walking Dead. His question is:

"Where did you first do standup?"

In the upper part of the cafeteria of my college senior year. It was part of an event my school had set up, their own little "Last Comic Standing" competition. The original prize for the winner was going to be "Winner gets to open up for Lewis Black, who will be coming to campus in a few months". Through the urging on of a couple of friends, I signed up for the competition. I took a day off classes and just wrote some jokes.

I can remember a few of them, I know that I wasn't anywhere near as polished as I am now and probably flubbed more than a few words. One joke was about God and Jesus working in an office where they both get hammered at a Christmas party. God of course is bragging about how Jesus is the perfect son and God gives him the ultimate advice of "never stick it in the crazy".

I did a joke, which is now infamous that I have never EVER done since, about the fact that starting off doing comedy amongst friends is probably the best way to go. But the more experienced, you get, the harder the venue should be. I then talked about Jerry Seinfeld doing standup comedy in a cancer ward. Doing a really bad Seinfeld impression and an impression of someone with a robot voice who more than likely had throat cancer.

"Hey, what's the deal with cancer am I right?"
"We're dying!"

Ironically, I ended up winning the competition, unfortunately Lewis Black backed out of having a kid open for him so I got $200 instead. Not too shabby. Unfortunately, someone had taken offense to the joke about cancer.

Immediately after the show, a small girl tapped me on the shoulder and said (I'll never forget this until the day I die.), "You know my dad has cancer, but congratulations on your win, you fucking prick." and stormed off. I sat there, simply stunned and swore to never do standup comedy again. Oh but it didn't end there.

Because a week later, in the school newspaper, the same girl wrote an article entitled, "Last Comic Standing: No Laughing Matter"

In the article, which is real and can be viewed at the following website (http://media.www.loyolagreyhound.com/media/storage/paper665/news/2005/02/22/Opinion/last-Comic.Standing.Not.A.Laughing.Matter-871648.shtml) she wrote the following:

"I, for one, had to leave in the beginning of Mr. Valentine's comedic act when he joked about cancer patients. I must congratulate him for a close to perfect presentation of my father during his sickness. Not only did he speak as my dad did (because of his trach-tube) but he also seemed to know that cancer patients need some kind of comedy in their life by pointing out how beginning comedians perform in cancer wards in the hospital. As soon as Mr. Valentine's hand went over his throat to imitate the voice, I saw my dad dying in our family room and immediately had to leave."

Ouch. My soul.

I wrote a rebuttal that was very indepth and well thought out but man, did it cut me deep. Eventually, after college, I started doing open mics in Arlington at the now defunct Dr. Dremo's and met up with a number of comedians and went from there. But I will never EVER forget the controversy and insanity of the first time I did standup, thats for damn sure.

Jon and Kate Plus 8: Interview #2 (THE DIVORCE!) Kate's Side

2009-06-24T06:48:00.000-07:00

Evan: Good morning Kate.

Kate: Sit up straight.

Evan: Excuse me?

Kate: Sit up straight, your posture is terrible.

Evan: Uhhh ok? *Sits up in his chair*

Kate: That's better. Now proceed with asking me questions.

Evan: Well to start, how are you handling the divorce?

Kate: Its a tough situation, but like my mother used to tell me, "Weakness is pain leaving the body bitch, now give me thirty more push ups." Then I would puke into a bucket and she'd kick me in the face. Meeemmmoorrriieeesss.

Evan:..........Fair enough.

Kate: But most important is that the kids are taken care of in my glorious, iron fisted monarchy that is our family.

Evan: Excuse me, your what?

Kate: My monarchy. My regime. My "kingdom" if you will. Jon was able to escape my efforts through "divorce", pshaw, but those kids are mine until they turn 18 and rest assured, punishment will be evenly distributed. Work is freedom after all.

Evan: Weren't those the words written over Auschwitz?

Kate: Oh yeah! That's where I heard that. You know those Nazis, they were all right.

Evan: GOOD LORD!

Kate: Well ok, mostly not for the killing part but for the work ethic and dedication to their craft. Truly an inspiration.

Evan: Moving on.....do you have plans today for what the kids will be doing?

Kate: Well first its nap time, thats the time when I get to stare meaninglessly into the cold abyss of the outside world. Then comes play time for them......when I continue to stare meaninglessly into the cold abyss of the outside world.

Evan: Well I mean, you could play with your children and have fun with them.

Kate: Hahaha Fun, oh my hahahaha does not compute hahaha Oh my.

Evan: *raises an eyebrow* So you've been on the road a lot, do you find that your fans are sympathetic with your plight.

Kate: Oh sure, I mean even before the divorce I would love going out on the road so I could give my fans the advice that they need and in return, they'd give me assplay.

Evan: EXCUSE ME?

Kate: Heresay. They'd give me heresay about the various trials and tribulations that they themselves have gone through in their lives.

Evan: I thought you said something different.

Kate: Sometimes your ears play tricks on you. Applesauce.

Evan: Oooooookkkkkkk. Moving on again. Do you feel that sometimes you need to get away from everything?

Kate: I do. Sometimes I definitely feel this. Sometimes I want to find a castle in the middle of a small European country, build myself a suit of armor and lord over that place so that they may all be my children.

Evan:.......You mean like Dr. Doom?

Kate: I'm not familiar with who that is but he's a-ok in my book! And I will be not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morn! Treacherous as the Seas! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall love me and despair!

Evan: JESUS! *Roof begins coming down around Evan and Kate as Kate begins growing in size. Kate smashes through the walls of studio, Evan is crushed underneath a large pillar*

Kate: GONE! GONE THE FORM OF MAN! *Kate's reign of destruction began here.*

Jon and Kate Plus 8: Interview #2 (THE DIVORCE!) Jon's Side

2009-06-23T12:55:00.001-07:00

Hi guys, so using my Hollywood connections I was once again able to interview each of the parents from Jon and Kate Plus 8. Unfortunately, due to the divorce proceedings, I was only able to interview them one at a time. Here's what Jon had to say:

Evan: Hello Jon, how are you today?

Jon: Gotta tell you bro, I'm feeling a-ok!

Evan: That's good, I actually thought this would be a hard time for you, with the divorce underway and everything.

Jon: Heck no man! I'm a 32 year old bulldog who has been let off his leash and is on the prowl after his testicles miraculousy have grown back after being snipped by a crazy veterinarian with no class! NO CLASS!

Evan: Uhhhmmm.....what?

Jon: Mothers, lock up your daughters! Because the way I see it, a man has become bitten by a radioactive penis which gives him sexual powers that were originally restrained by an evil sorceress but are now free to spread love and joy to all the females out there in the world tonight. Man Penis is born!

Evan: Excuse me?

Jon: Man Penis! That's me! Man Penis!

Evan:...................

Jon:......................

Evan:....................

Jon: MAN PENIS!

Evan: What in God's name are you talking about?

Jon: Listen square, I'm only 32 years old. I have a motorcycle and I had the abilty to put 8 babies inside one woman. You know how much street cred that gets me? OOOO WEEE!

Evan: Fair enough. Nice earrings by the way.

Jon: You mean my sparklies? Yeah, chicks dig em. *sniff* Guess I'm something of a super stud.

Evan: So I guess you're taking this divorce in stride. Do you feel badly at all for the kids?

Jon: Do I feel for my children? Of course I do. I've been a father for nearly a decade and I would give my life for each and every one of those children. Throughout all of the hardships and trials that I've needed to endure to really give them the opportunities that I never had when I was their age, to be able to provide for them and love them like no other parents would. To be able to give them the experience of growing up with their brothers and sisters and watching them grow, while sheltering them and giving them experiences they'll never forget is a thing of beauty.

Evan: Any words of wisdom for them?

Jon: Yes. Sons and daughters of me, live proud and live free and don't take shit from nobody. Sons, grow up strong. Daughters, don't be like your mother.

Evan: Wait a minute.....

Jon: What?

Evan: What are your sons and daughters' names?

Jon: *nervously* Th-their names?

Evan: Yeah. Their names. Surely you know their names.

Jon: Of course I do. Why I'm offended by even the mere mention....I mean you know theres.....the gay one.....and that one with the glasses.....and the one who sneezed that one time into the sink......and Doc?

Evan: Those aren't their names.

Jon: Was that the phone?

Evan: I didn't hear any.....HEY! *Evan grabs Jon as the 32 year old man quickly tries to climb out the window of the establishment*

Jon: LET GO OF MY THREADS SQUARE! LET GO!

Evan: Sit down and I will!

Jon: Fine! *Jon proceeds to sit down* Whatever man.

Evan: How is the band coming al....

Jon: ASIAN PERSUASION? GREAT MAN GREAT! We about to kick off our three state tour. Here's our album, fresh off the presses!

Evan: *Evan gags in horror* You're all naked on this album cover.

Jon: Fuck yeah! That nakedness represents our ability to blend into our surroundings without "man's law" getting in the way.

Evan: That makes no sense, I can clearly see all of you! And the name of the album is...."The only 8 kids I got are the beers in my fridge"? Good Lord!

Jon: Its a metaphor.

Evan: For what?

Jon: For drinking kicking ass, am I right??? *Jon places his hand up in the air awaiting a high five, Evan looks at it with contempt, Jon places his hand down*

Evan: Yeeaaahhhh. So one last thing, do you feel you have anything else to say?

Jon: Oh yeah. Jon Gosling will be at McSwinger's Party Lounge tonight from 8 to 10 PM as part of the Wacky Pack 94.7 Morning Palooza. I'll be handing out "Team Jon" t-shirts with my new slogan written on it. "GA-GOOSH! Don't take SHIT from NOBODY!"

Evan:...................

Evan's getting poignant!

2009-06-19T06:14:00.000-07:00

The society we've made for ourselves on this little ball of mud and water is something unique isn't it? We continue to expand and evolve with technology and communication into this weird hybrid of being united through electricity and wires, and in that, we kind of desensitize one another to the human experience in a way. Its a weird symbiotic tendency I guess with the progression of technological mastery. We will encounter more people through a rectangular glowing picture box than actual face to face meetings.

I remember reading this short story back when I was in 6th or 7th grade about teleporters being all the rage, obviously this was fiction....unless everyone's keeping a ridiculously huge secret from me, and people stopped going outside completely because the teleporters did all the work for them in getting them where they needed to go. Of course, no one really took into account the "Brundle Fly" scenario in this story, but you get the idea.

I wonder how similar something would happen if these things really did exist (The isolation I mean, not Jeff Goldblum's predicament) Regardless, I'm going off on a tangent.

The point I'm trying to make with this is that in a lot of ways, we're losing something of ourselves with the replacement of technology for most of our everyday needs. Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily. Maybe we're having those things we lost replaced with something else that could ultimately make us better in the long run. Who's to say?

Regardless of our evolution, we as a people are depraved. We're inadequate. We can do things to one another that are beyond reprehension and cause untold heartbreak. But we are also beautiful. We're intelligent. We create remarkable works of creativity and every so often, will show one another that we are capable of accomplishing great things. Most importantly, we can be there for each other.

Its a balancing act and while we hear more about the former, I hope that the latter takes place just as much if not more for every occurrence of hatred or spite or malice or what have you. But my thoughts on this is that the greatest thing that we have as a people is our creativity. Through stories, through poems, through imagination, you're taking a part of yourself, the best part, and laying it out for people to see, for people to enjoy. Its selfish and selfless.

So how did I get onto this topic? Well it was due to this story I read this morning:

"HUNTINGTON BEACH – Colby Curtin, a 10-year-old with a rare form of cancer, was staying alive for one thing – a movie. From the minute Colby saw the previews to the Disney-Pixar movie Up, she was desperate to see it. Colby had been diagnosed with vascular cancer about three years ago, said her mother, Lisa Curtin, and at the beginning of this month it became apparent that she would die soon and was too ill to be moved to a theater to see the film.
After a family friend made frantic calls to Pixar to help grant Colby her dying wish, Pixar came to the rescue. The company flew an employee with a DVD of Up, which is only in theaters, to the Curtins’ Huntington Beach home on June 10 for a private viewing of the movie."

For the rest of the story, go here: http://www.ocregister.com/articles/pixar-up-movie-2468059-home-show

Up was a masterpiece and through that piece of creativity, they were able to make a little girl's last few hours on earth special. It made her hold on for a little while longer and their act of kindness is really just the representation of the best we have to offer as a people.

People ask me what I hope to accomplish with comedy and all the creative stuff I've done and continue to do. I don't really respond this way as I'm much less intricate and thoughtful when I'm talking with someone face to face rather than typing the words into a text box like I am right now, but I've accomplished what I started doing comedy for. I've made people happy in some way or another. I've brightened days, made people laugh and helped them to forget about their troubles. I wish I could do it on a more frequent basis but I'm hopeful that when I'm long gone, I'll be remembered for putting together jokes/stories/rock epics that made people chuckle if only for a little while. I hope that that is my mark on the world.

Oh and also......Fart.

The Funniest Moment in Television History

2009-06-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

"What the hell is she doing here? Really? I'll tell you what I'm doing here. You wanna know what I'm doing here, shit-for-brains? I had sex with your dad! That's right! I had sex with your father, because just like you I like my sex old and ugly! And with fake hair on their heads that falls off when you're having sex with them! It just falls off because that's what you do, Dennis Reynolds - you like to have sex with old people! And you said that you loved me! You said "I love you", and so I thought "Okay, well, I love you too"! How do you show love? You go and have sex with old people! SO THAT'S WHAT I DID TOO!"

Seriously, if you have never watched "Its Always Sunny in Philidelphia", do so. As a standup comedian, I know what is funny and this show is my absolute funniest show of all time.

I'm Single, Yeah I know

2009-06-17T07:23:00.000-07:00

So yeah, this was one I was debating writing about. Its true, I'm single. I got out of a... well I don't really think I'd call it a serious relationship, but it was a relationship a few months back. It still hurts a bit as most of these things tend to, I mean I had known her for years before we jumped into it and the old adage is usually "that great couple always started out as friends first". There would be times when I would sit there and smile and think, "Wow. This is going to be the one" as we'd both make crude jokes to one another, laughing our asses off sitting in a parking lot after a rock show. And for each of those instances there were definitely an equal amount of "What the fuck am I thinking with this???" but you know thats what relationships are. Its yet another example of this weird camp that people fall into when they are single in their mid 20's, those who are simply not ready/willing for a serious relationship, and those who are looking but can't seem to find what they are looking for.

Its rough for single folk out there a lot of the time, as people kind of give you this, "Holy shit, you're single?" look, like you have the plague. Of course it always stings a little when you see your friends are getting married or in these serious relationships and you're just the "eccentric goofball who hooks up with various girls on a regular basis". And thats something that worries me of course, the fact that I'm viewed as "the eccentric goofball" like through my jokes and creativity I kind of can't be taken seriously a lot of the time.

I'd be lying if I didn't say a big part of me working out and dieting to such an extreme degree wasn't over the fact that it will just make the process easier without having to put ridiculous degrees of effort into it, but of course, we all know that in relationships, its all about effort. Its about compromise and all that good crap.

In terms of settling down, I think we as a society have this weird mentality that it NEEDS to happen as early as possible, meanwhile the divorce rate in the country is what 40 percent? I mean a lot of my friends in college were these hardcore Christian kids which was just the weird group that I fell into, which had its good and bad qualities of course like everything. Most of them have just gotten married to the first girl they had "seriously dated" and went right out of the gates in their early 20s. I'm not going to go off on that and "poo-poo" someone for making that decision, if they felt that that was the right thing for them to do at the time, well then more power to them. Me on the other hand, shit. I had no idea who the fuck I was or what the fuck I wanted in my early 20s. Its about developing into the person you plan on being and finding someone who can fit into that mold.

So, for my fellow single people out there, I thought I would list a number of places that I have looked and been successful in meeting people.

1.) The Bars. This is kind of a weekly ritual for me and my friends. Go to a bar, have fun, drink, rinse, repeat. I've met a number of women through just being my usual witty self and the fact that I'm kind of easy to spot in a crowd tends to help me in that department. Its not really a place to meet "girlfriend material" but you know, bars are there to have fun.

2.) The Metro. This takes balls more than anything else but its just about starting up conversations with people who catch your eye and give you that "Oh well I'm not really paying attention, I'm reading this book about Women's Rights, but you know if you want to come over and talk for a bit, feel free to, kay?"

3.) Comedy Shows. Well this puts me in the spotlight a little bit more and of course this is always a good thing. This is also bad in the consideration that my "comedy persona" is a little out there. Its funny, I have a very Jekyll and Hyde thing going when it comes to comedy me vs regular me.

4.) Internet. Yeah I know, not exactly the most awesome place but it works sometimes and you get to meet a lot of great people.

So when you're feeling down about being single or something, don't be. There's millions of people out there in the exact same boat. Its just about finding that right one who makes you laugh, who will be there for you through thick and thin, who puts themselves on a completely different level than everyone else. Well regardless of who I marry in the future, at least they'll know they'll get a kick ass last name out of the deal.

The Ghost Hunters can Fuck Off

2009-06-16T06:34:00.000-07:00

Somewhere right now there's a man who has lost his home. He's sifting through garbage in order to get the latest bit of food that will help to prolong his life another day, primarily based on survival instincts rather than anything else. He has lost his family, he has lost his entitlement to humanity, he has lost his place in the social order of society, clinging to what little he had in a make shift shelter pieced together from cardboard cutouts of Jack Sparrow and toilet paper. He once had a life, he once had hopes and dreams, he was once successful, he had children and legacies and Satuday soccer games and ballet lessons and aspirations and bills and headaches and everyday problems. Now, he has to worry about rats eating his leftover Arby's Big Beef and Cheddar thats three days old he found after taking off a used condom from the top. He'd kill himself, but he doesn't have enough money for a gun and can't jump off a building, because you need to have shoes to enter into the building in the first place. This man's life is in shambles, regardless of his talents, regardless of his skills, regardless of everything.

Meanwhile, these assholes get paid for walking through dark places and acting scared about shit.

Yes, for today's entry, I'm going off on the assholes who are the inappropriately dubbed, "Ghost Hunters" I mean technically, they do "hunt ghosts" in the same way that I "hunt Bigfoot" by just looking into a forest whenever I pass one in a car or running or something.

To further explore the definition of what these two "experts" are supposed to be, the definition of a hunter is "a person or animal that seeks out and kills or captures game".

In this case, the "game" would be the "ghosts" who haunt establishments such as mansions, farms, graveyards, and museums where old pieces of the Titanic are currently being held because the ghosts of those who died MUST follow these pieces wherever they dwell regardless of any evidence stating as such. OOOOoooOOOOooOOOOooOOOO.

Now, would you like to take a guess as to how many "ghosts" the "Ghost Hunters" have "killed or captured?" There have been 4 seasons spanning over 5 years so thats roughly over 70 episodes at least. Surely these experts must have caught at least 5 ghosts, possibly killed one? Don't exactly know how one "kills" a ghost but these are "Ghost Hunters" after all.

Ok, lets look this up. Aaanndd the answer issssss......zero. Shocker. After 5 years, the Ghost Hunters have caught aproximately zero ghosts and accidentally killed six people using "ghost bullets" which were actually just regular bullets with the words "Fuck Ghosts" etched into the sides, thus in fact CREATING more ghosts!.....All right the latter is a lie, but how awesome would that be if they just started firing randomly into the darkness whenever they heard a sound or felt something "GRAB MY LEG"!

Realistically, maybe I'm being a little harsh on them. Surely they must have scientific degrees in the paranormal and have studied extensively on the aspects of a possible afterlife, spending decades researching philosophies on the afterlife and the psychological implications of death. Hold on a second, let me wikipedia them. Aaannnddd they're plumbers.

Yes the mighty Ghost Hunters have used their extensive knowledge of shit caked pipes and ass cracks to breach the world of the supernatural. Plumbers "fighting" ghosts, where have I heard that one before?

The Ghost Hunters are in fact a real life version of the Mario Brothers, only much much worse. Unlike the Mario Brothers, who killed thousands of ghosts by wearing raccoon suits and shooting fireballs out of their hands, the Ghost Hunters merely look scared at various locales, say, "Well I guess the spirits are at rest now", leave, go home, and drown their sorrows in beer and alimony.

The Hunters popularity is mind boggling however, as people fucking LOVE to watch two grown men act confused in night vision goggles. There are currently three spin offs including, "Ghost Hunters International", "UFO Hunters", And "The Othersiders" which is Ghost Hunters for Kids.

Arg.

I challenge the Ghost Hunters to find ONE ghost....EVER! Justify your existences damn you! Capture Abraham Lincoln and have him tell us where he hid the gold he stored underneath his hat! Ask the ghost of Hitler how he felt regarding his portrayal in the Tom Cruise flick Valkyrie! Ask Ghandi how he feels about Arby's Big Beef and Cheddar Sandwich!

*Sigh* Forget it. These two men have created a monopoly on being scared and shrugging their shoulders. Who wants to join me and be "Loch Ness Monster Hunters"? There's probably a market for that.

Captain Who is Coming Back?

2009-06-15T12:12:00.000-07:00

I know that we have heard a lot of rumors and I know that we have been waiting very patiently for this certain Captain to return but finally, after all this time, the wait is over.

Yes after a long time when this character had been shot in the chest and left for dead, he has returned from the grave to help us all.

Yes ladies and gentlemen have no fear, because Captain Ireland is BACK!

Captain Ireland of course was created by the Irish government as a peace keeping symbol of the Irish way of life, dipped into a vat of radioactive Guinness, the Green, orange, and White dynamo has dedicated himself to truth, justice, and debauchery.

Captain Ireland has a number of abilities that make him far and away above the mortal man:

- Super Human Strength

- The ability to recite all of Boondock Saints

- Can get drunk either super quick or not at all, depending on the temperature outside.

- Snakes get the fuck outta Dodge when he's around!

- The ability to pull off wearing a derby hat and yelling at people in Gaellic.

- Be Pale!

- And of course, lest we forget, Captain Ireland always has his trusty leprechaun by his side, who's been dead for 13 years, on straps attached to Cap's arm that he hurls at people as if it were a frisbee.

Weaknesses include: Not drinking! Things that are not green! Horsing around too little! Manual Labor in exchange for currency! Televisions with more than 3 channels! Every day that is not March 17th! Driving a car! Driving a car into a place that is not a lake! Driving a car that is not on fire! Driving a car that has wheels! Driving a car that has wheels that is not named "St. Patrick's Dick"!

So everyone can sleep well at night knowing that Captain Ireland is on the job and is coming to a town near you, dead or alive!

Famous Valentines

2009-06-14T13:42:00.000-07:00

Special weekend edition folks. Usually I keep this to Monday through Friday, but its a lazy Sunday and I felt like doing some writing.

My last name is Valentine, as you all know, and I gotta say its a pretty awesome last name. The first name I could give or take, but having the last name of Valentine always meant I would do something against the norm. I landed into the comedy/alternative field, where I could have easily become a private investigator or a porno star based on my last name alone. So I thought I'd take the time to look at some of the famous "Valentines" throughout the ages.

Skeeter Valentine

Skeeter Valentine was of course a character from the old show, "Doug". Always a good friend, a sidekick as it were to the main protagonist that was Doug. Skeeter was something of an idiot savante, he could calculate the hexadecimals in a neutron star and discover the intricacies of Freud's human psychological prospectives, but he also made fart noises as a reflex and honked on a constant basis. Something of a balancing act to be sure. Skeeter though did a good job of representing the "Valentine" badge in being an all around nice guy. Always there for his friends and was able to overcome the fact that he was blue in a world where people were orange, green, pale, and magenta.

St Valentine

There have been a number of saints who were the original inspiration for "Valentine's Day", and he was an inspirational Martyr. Its kind of odd that the day that a Roman priest was beheaded and executed, we give our loved ones chocolates and roses. Lord knows, I've heard enough cracks about my name on the ever revolving February 14th. Good times.

Greg the Hammer Valentine

One of the all time great wrestlers of all time, I always thought that I was somehow related to this guy in some weird way back when I was 7, sitting in the limelight of Wrestlemania from the recesses of the basement of my parents' house in Wintergreen. The guy was a great wrestler and obviously created a name for himself with that, but I find it funny that he has something of an "old woman face". I think you could transfer his face onto the body of an elderly bingo junkie and you wouldn't really be able to tell the difference. On a somewhat related subject, when I was in Kindergarden, one of the fathers of a girl in my class was Big John Stud, the first winner of WWF's Royal Rumble. I don't really stay abreast of the wrestling world nowadays, but back then, having a famous wrestler come to your house and helicopter you ala Zangief from Street Fighter was pretty damn sick.

Evan Valentine

Now this one is a piece of work. Living in Washington DC, a kind of tall-ish Tim Robbins looking gentleman. Quite articulate when it comes to creating pieces of creative work and dialect, he's something of a walking cartoon character in some respects. Definitely good for a laugh, that's for sure. What will the future hold for this gangly bastard I wonder. Maybe one day he'll settle down and have a family, spreading the benefit of his many years on earth to his children, looking back on the years when he was sitting in smoke filled basements recording epic musicals, smoke filled bars rattling his thoughts through a microphone, and punching the keys of a laptop to put his thoughts on cyberspace for everyone to read throughout the history of humanity. Who knows?

Evan Valentine - Porno Actress

.....................................Don't really have the words for this one. Considering there's an 18 year old Asian porno actress with my name. Well, at least she's being creative.

The Worst, Most Pathetic Job Ever

2009-06-12T08:01:00.001-07:00

Hmmm. Now I've thought about this and come to the conclusion of what is the worst and most ridiculous/pathetic job that I could think of and it came back to one job and one job alone:

Yes, its the guys who put on the giant headed president suits and dance around/race across Nationals Stadium. What kind of pathetic unbelievable loser decides, "Hey you know what? I'm going to get paid less than minimum wage before I go to grad school and ride around on a segway, while simultaneously desecrating the memories of our founding fathers!"

Let's really take the time to examine this shall we? Its quite ghoulish when you think about it. Wearing the cartoonish visage of a dead man. Comically falling over in giant prosthetic heads while the presidents roll around in their graves because you feel the need to piss all over their memories. Now as a comedian, I make fun of people sure, its part of the job, but at least I leave them some shreds of dignity, and in doing so keep my dignity intact as well. If I were to go on stage and wear a giant plastic head of Susan B Arthur while doing a joke about her, she'd burst forth from her grave and strangle me to death. How do you think George Carlin REALLY died?

On top of this, we should examine the person who is inside one of these outfits. First off, they have no "life" to speak of. More than likely they have become shells of their former selves, the twinkle in their eye being replaced with a horror and disdain towards society that not even their best friends could begin to contemplate. Their hideous facial features, I'm guessing a mix between Forrest Gump and Dumbo with a gap in their teeth, covered by something that can finally have them accepted by society, kind of like how the village idiot was accepted by the townfolk for dropping his pants at the women folk during the monthly town meeting at the beer hall. Their emotional and mental states are walking a tight line between insanity and passive aggressive displacement.

Should these poor bastards ever have any kind of long lasting relationship, the nightmares of having been a human joke will surely catch up with them.

Imagine having sex with your loved one and while they scream out for you to say their name, instead you yell out, "Abraham Lincoln was the tallest American president!" Your loved one instantly stops, horrified, and while you, faux-Lincoln, attempt to cover your mouth, you instantly go flaccid. The only thing that will "get you off" from this point forward is recognition that your life was not a lie, and lets be serious, you wore a giant Teddy Rosevelt head and galivanted across a baseball diamond in front of tens of thousands of people, that shit ain't happening anytime soon.

Ok, you're probably saying "Whoa Evan. That seems a little rough don't you think? I mean its all in good fun. Everyone is having a laugh and the presidents aren't being disrespected THAT much." You know you're probably right. Maybe I'm being a little rough on these guys. I'm sure they're just normal folks and aren't really the horrifying stunted man children I'm making them out to be. Its not like they're REALLY disrespecting the things that these men lived and died for in their times.
Oh look, George Washington is about to receive the baton from a giant taco. I'm sure that's what Georgie had in mind when he was fighting for American freedom on the war torn country side against insurmountable odds.

Folks, how about we unite together and do something about "bad" comedy like this? How about we as a people step up and say, "You know what? This sucks balls! Can't we be entertained in a way that is thought provoking without giggling at human chuds wearing stupid costumes?"
Oh no, Roosevelt's on to me. Based on his demeanor, he's sex deprived and retard strong. This is going to be a rough one kids. Tell my family I.....!

The Real World is coming to DC!

2009-06-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

Yes, you heard me right. MTV's the Real World is going to start filming in Dupont Circle for their next season and there isn't a chance in hell that I'm missing out on getting in on the festivities.

So I'm going to list off a number of things that I am going to do when the filming begins to really show the members of The Real World: Washington DC that DC is a great place to party and hang out.

1.) I will show up on the first day of filming wearing a fake moustache and proceed to say that I am the fifth cast member and my name is Jungo. Whenever someone asks me a question, I will repeat, "My name is Jungo! JUNGO!" I will slap whatever they are holding in their hands at this point, if they are holding nothing, I will ask them politely to hold a plate or a glass, then smack it away from them.

2.) Once getting ejected from the house, I will proceed to sit outside of the house, smoking newports and yelling for the "assholes inside" to play the Jonas Brothers, as they are part of MTV and should do as I say, as I am a resident of Washington DC.

3.) Hobos! HOBOS! HOOOBBBOOOOSSS!

4.) I will be hanging out at Dupont Circle bars (The Big Hunt for example) looking out for the cast members and the camera crews. When I see the cast members and the camera crew in tow, I will wave and yell out, "Hey! Its me! JUNGO! We spoke on the phone remember???"

5.) I will buy the cast members shots and ask, "So which one is the Puck of the house?" However they reply, I will instantly laugh and say, "That's such a Puck thing to do." I will then refer to that person as Puck for the rest of the night, constantly interupting other peoples' conversations, demanding that "Puck" be allowed to contribute to the conversation.

6.) I will ask the cast members to define what "Music Television" means and instantly inform them that they are wrong! Music television is obviously a channel that should be populated with shows about pre-pubescent girls getting railed in buses and taking lie detector tests.....while getting railed in buses. I will ask the cast members if they had seen the most recent episode of "My Super Sweet 16" or "Sex.....with mom and dad." If they reply no, I'll lean over to another cast member and in a very loud voice, proceed to ask, "The fuck is wrong with this knob job?"

7.) Once everyone has gotten wasted, I will then speak to the cast members about how "The Real World" will be the only thing of significance that they will ever do or be remembered for. Even if they discover the cure for cancer, which seems doubtful as I don't think that many biologists are part of the Real World demographic, they will still always be remembered for breaking the condom in the hot tub and contracting an STD....FROM JUNGO!

8.) When asked about my standup comedy by the cast members, I will ask them a question in response as in, "Who are your favorite comedians?" No less than 5 cast members will say Dane Cook. One will ask what it means to "stand up?"

9.) To fit in with the cast of the Real World, I'll proceed to vomit repeatedly in the bathroom, do more shots that necessary, make out with every hot chick in the bar, get into a fight, talk about how I had a traumatic experience because my ATV off road didn't start one time, and then rinse and repeat.

10.) Popped Collar! Popper Collar! Popper Collar!

11.) When questioned as to whether or not my real name is in fact, "Jungo" I will hang my head in shame and proceed to say,

"No. My name is not Jungo. My name is Evan Valentine. SON OF HAROLD! SON OF WENDY! COMEDIAN ART WARRIOR! BANISHER OF DEMONS! HARBINGER OF HILARITY! WEARER OF SIZE 15 SHOES! SHAGGY FROM SCOOBY DOO GOT NOTHING ON ME!" At which point I will begin peppering out body slams to everyone in the bar, which will cause a domino effect where body slams become the main focus of every show on MTV. While this is all happening, I'll be flexing on the roof of the establishment, making my law known to the masses on National Television. Thank you Real World, for visiting the lovely and wonderful DC.

Christ, Evan's pulling a Carrot Top

2009-06-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned this before in a previous installment, but 83% of my life, I've been overweight. It might have been genetic, it might have been cause I was a junkie when it came to food, who knows. All I know is that weight has always been an issue for me, like I'm sure it has for many other people. In the past five months however, I have been going to the gym almost everyday and really changed my diet and for the first time in a long time, I am seeing extremely good results. In a few more months, I plan to have a six pack going (Not even joking on this one.) Currently I'm weighing in at 228, which is right in the "average" weight range for my height of 6'6. This is insane since I have never EVER been average weight for as long as I can remember.

Its funny because a famous writer actually wrote as one of his Facebook entries "Hey Dane Cook! Great comedians don't have six packs!" Now I'm not saying Dane Cook isn't a shitty terrible comedian, but why can't comedians have six packs? Are we all just hideos fucking chuds who schlop out of our sewer hideaways to get on stage and make people laugh? I say thee nay!

To start I thought I'd tell you what I do and how I've been maintaining my current weight loss/muscle building program:

1.) Getting off my ass in the first place. Let's face it, if there's one thing I've learned in my lifetime, its that people don't give a shit about your personality, at first anyway. Being funny for me developed as a mechanism for being a fat sloppy mess, so I thought to myself, "Hey, if I could be a cut well dressed mess, I'd be the ultimate human being! A guy with a personality and pythons!" The motivation was there as summer was about to roll around so I began to hit the gym.

2.) Joining an expensive gym. Key on the "expensive" part as its a pretty big motivator in actually getting you to go there. You're kind of tricking your brain into thinking, "If I don't go, well then I'm wasting money." If you have a free gym that is right next door to your house, well then you won't really be as motivated to go there and work at it. If you know you're paying a bit of money every month, well then you're good to go. Not to mention the pricier gyms can have awesome benefits like pools, steam rooms, and divorced widows trying to get their "cougar legs"

3.) Eating right. There is shit literally everywhere, it is still fucking RIDICULOUSLY difficult to completely stay away from sugar and bad shit for you. Try walking into a gas station and finding anything that is good for you. Its nearly impossible unless you plan on drinking the gasoline because you're insane and think you're a car.....or you could be drunk. Anyway, my basic diet on the weekdays is usually a turkey sandwich for lunch, a bag of baked lays, and water/diet coke (trying to wean myself off diet coke). From time to time, I'll also throw in a frozen yogurt. For dinner, I'll have two boiled chicken breasts, water/milk, and a 60 calorie jello cup (Sugar free). Basically, you're "tricking" your body into thinking its getting shit with stuff like frozen yogurt and the jello cups, and while those two things aren't exactly the best for you, they are leaps and bounds ahead of the 99% of the crappy desserts out there.

4.) Look at all those people who have been skinny their entire lives and never really had to worry about it and use that hate to push yourself into a whirlwind of manic activity. Seriously, this works so well for me, its crazy I know, but there's nothing like seeing a skinny guy/girl next to you just running ten miles a day and not even missing a beat. It'll force you to go that one mile extra fatty!

What doesn't work (For me anyway):

1.) Most of the diets that are out there. The atkins diet doesn't work that well because if you cut out carbs 100%, you're body is going to react to them badly when you introduce them back in, same with sugar, and trust me, you'll be craving a pizza at some point.

2.) Starving yourself. When I was a teenager, I did this once or twice, when I was playing football actually to make weight. I would go so far as to wear garbage bags and run for miles (I was the running hobo!) and not even spit so I wouldn't gain water weight. It was f-ed up.

3.) Working out and not dieting or vice versa. You HAVE to do both. There's just no way around it. You need to burn calories and gain muscle mass to make it easier to lose the weight, and you need to eat better to gain the muscle mass, and on and on and on.

So go out and kick some ass. See you when I become a Spartan.

The Ultimate Drinking Game that will kill you!

2009-06-09T06:05:00.001-07:00

Many moons ago, in a land known as Bethesda, a game was invented that was so indisidous, so horrifying, that no man or woman could hope to come out of it with a shred of dignity or decency to their name. This my friends was the drinking game invented by the devil and christened in the fires of Mount Doom milennia ago.

This game blows Three Man apart, makes Kings look like a game for fancy boys, and makes the Power 10 look like the Wealk 3.5.

Do you dare listen to the tale I weave and dare challenge such a game? If you are a man or think yourself brave enough to partake in this drinking game, then continue reading.

To begin this game, you will need a house or an apartment, somewhere where people live, ya dig? Next, you'll need electricity, its that shit that shocks people and powers things like vibrators and waffle machines. Now, find a television that produces both audio AND visual. Find a dvd player or look for this particular movie on your netflix or On Demand, whatever venue you find most appropriate. Obtain a large amount of beer (You can try to do this game with hard liquor, but more than likely, you would die.)

Now for the most important step, begin playing the movie, "Elmo in Grouchland."

Did I just hear you snicker and giggle? Oh like this is a funny game to you? Well prepare to have your soul shattered!

To play the game, begin watching the movie, open up your beer of choice, and take a drink for every time Elmo says, "Blanket." Rest assured, within 5 minutes you will have drank 13 beers and will be on the floor.

When I awoke from my Elmo induced coma, I woke up next to a cow wearing a sombrero and a 1995 Ford Taurus filled with 32,000 Canadian dollars. I was in Lithuania.

Be warned and enjoy!

Crime is doomed bitches!

2009-06-04T06:33:00.000-07:00

Let me ask the readers of my blog a question before I delve into this topic, which I thought of on my morning commute. Did you all go and see the Dark Knight? Did you all enjoy the Dark Knight? If so, does this make you a 300 pound shut in who lives in their parents basement and has never seen a girl naked before? No you say? Well obviously you must be lying!

Feeling a little put down by that? Well welcome to the club. If you are a person who will from time to time pick up a comic book and read it, I'm sure you've had some people look at you a little differently or think "Oh, he's one of THEM."

Yes, I read comic books. Yes, I've scaled back to a huge degree to make it more of a casual thing (no more heading to the comic book store on a weekly basis, just stopping in from time to time, but to be fair this is more in response to the high prices that have taken into effect with most of the books nowadays. I mean really, 3.99 ain't flying with me.)

And I know what you're thinking: Wow, Evan is a geek!

Well in a sense, of course I am, but I don't fall into that horrifying stigma of "geek with no life living in parents basement." Everyone has their "geeky" habits. Its not like the stuff just consumes my life or anything, I just like to read a comic book from time to time. I do everything I can to defeat the "nerd stigma" that seems to go along with this. I go to the gym 5 times a week, I run/swim 2-3 miles every other day, I have a high paying job as a marketing director, I do standup comedy on an almost weekly basis if not more, I'm part of a musical effort called Champions Productions, I shower on a daily basis, I drink, I smoke, I curse, and I try to have a blast being alive in general.

Now I bet you're asking yourself well, "Why do you read comic books in the first place if they paint you in a bad light" which seems to be the trend nowadays. Well, this brings me back to my first point.

Everyone I know who saw the Dark Knight loved it and almost everyone I know saw the movie. So now tell me, what exactly is the difference between going and seeing Batman punch the Joker on a large screen and reading it in an illustrated book? Anyone? Bueller?

Reading comics is synonymous with watching a Batman movie that has been continuing for the past 70 years, with all kinds of insane crazy crap happening. Ever wanted to see Batman fight a talking gorilla? I've seen it happen, about six times. Ever wanted to see Iron Man get shit faced and accidentally blow out a guy's chest cavity? Yep, I've read that one too. How about Spiderman making a deal with the devil to get rid of his own marriage? Ok I kind of WISH I hadn't read that one but you get the gist of it.

Anyway, a guy/girl who reads comic books isn't some social outcast huddling for warmth near his computer screen on a Saturday night, rather they're just normal people who like to read stories in that medium, no different from watching Heroes on NBC or Iron Man on Blu Ray.

One thing I like to do though is talk with people about comics I'm reading and make recommendations as to comics you might not know about or keep people up to date on what the fuck is actually going on in some books.

Case in point, Who the fuck is Batman right now?

Now if you haven't been keeping up with the funny books, you might say that "Bruce Wayne is Batman, you silly twat." to which I would reply, "No, he ain't!" while wearing a tuxedo and a monocle to show how classy I am.

To fill you in, Dick Grayson aka the first Robin aka Nightwing has taken up being Batman as Bruce Wayne has been thought "dead" by the populace at large, we know better. Robin is now Bruce Wayne's illegitimate love child of him and Talia Al'Ghul, Ras Al Ghul's daughter. His name is Damien, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

The most recent issue came out with their first adventure as the new dynamic duo and it was pretty damn fantastic, check it out if you get the chance.

But Evan, you say, "I'm not really down with the whole mask and cape shit." That's cool. Here's some recommendations for books you might be interested in that have none of those characters that do super hero-ish things:

WE3, Sandman, Preacher, Transmetropolitan, Scalped, Fell, Death: The High Cost of Living, Walking Dead, Hellblazer, 100 Bullets, RASL, Bone, Loveless, Ex Machina, Rex Mundi, Cassanova, etc etc.

Reading a comic is like seeing a movie, its all based on your taste and preference, so give them a chance, you might be surprised.

Conan O'Brien has arrived

2009-06-02T07:00:00.000-07:00

And I'm glad I was there to see him get his start.

For those not in the know, Conan O'Brien's first show as the host of the Tonight Show was last night and I thought I'd give you a brief analysis of what I thought.

To begin, I have ALWAYS dug Conan O'Brien. He has always been my favorite of the late night talk show hosts. His comedy is right up my alley and in a lot of ways reminds me of myself, except older and somehow lankier.

So when I heard that he was going to take over for Jay Leno as the host for the Tonight Show, I was thrilled. Finally, the man is getting his dues and as Will Ferrel hillariously put it last night, "NO ONE thought you would make it! NO ONE!" It was good to see that a funny skinny Irishman was able to take over the spot of Tonight Show host.

Of course, and I've stated this numerous times to a number of friends, I am not thrilled about Jay Leno's dick move of moving to an hour earlier, thus sort of negating the impact Conan would have as being THE host for NBC. It makes it more seem like "well everything's just moving an hour earlier" rather than the transition from Leno to O'Brien that it should be.

I find Jay Leno's show to be, quite frankly, humorless. I really don't laugh much at most of his material and skits because they're too "safe". They're jokes written for everybody and 9 times out of 10, those jokes blow. With Leno though, he seems to be batting a perfect 10.

So why didn't Leno just roll with the punches and bow out with dignity and respect? Because he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and a severe mental problem. That's not even me joking.

At one point in Leno's career as the Tonight Show host, he brought on a psychiatrist to the show, who Jay thought should psychoanalyze him as part of a bit. What the psychiatrist discovered was actually pretty strange and stuck with me for awhile, which is the following:

1.) If no one makes Jay Leno dinner, he will eat frozen hot dogs over a sink, every single time.

2.) If Leno is not wearing a suit, he will wear the exact same outfit every single day, blue jeans and a blue collared shirt.

3.) Leno sleeps in an oxygen tent which he believes grants him sexual powers.

......Ok that last one was a lie but still, the first two are disconcerting. NBC is putting a LOT of faith into Leno as he is taking over the weekday 10 PM slots, and I'm more than certain things won't happen the way they expect them to.

But anyway, on to my review of Conan's first night.

One of the things I was always very nervous about with Conan taking over the Tonight show was that he would be toned down to be more "accepted" by the older crowd. You know, the crowd of humorless fucks who wouldn't know a good joke if it didn't involve making a joke about a jallopy or eating dinner at 4pm in the afternoon. I knew we wouldn't be seeing anymore of this in the near future:

I'll miss that damn bear. The loss of Joel the announcer was also a little rough, but getting Andy Richter back was a nice plus.

But anyway, despite being toned back, how do I feel that Conan did on his first night as host of the Tonight Show? I think he hit it out of the fucking park.

Starting with some good monologue jokes and proceeding to show a filmed skit of Conan leading a tour bus for Universal Studios through the studio, then taking them onto the streets of Hollywood. He then accidentally destroyed the letter "D" of "Hollywood" and proceeded to get a woman pregnant merely with the power of his Ford Taurus' engine, also Fabio showed up.

Will Ferrel was a great choice as the first guest as he and Conan have great chemisty and he's hillarious in most interviews. Pearl Jam put on a great performance as well.

I think overall, you couldn't ask for a better first show and I will continue to watch and support Conan whenever I can.

P.S. Does anyone really find Jimmy Fallon funny? I mean at all?

Who is my favorite comedian of all time?

2009-06-01T13:06:00.001-07:00

Comedy is and always will be a big part of my life, so picking out a "favorite" comedian was always hard for me to do. I would certianly have favorites for sure (Dave Attel, David Cross, Patton Oswalt, Mitch Hedberg, etc), but its only until this year that I really picked one who was my all time favorite comedian.

I was actually listening to one of his specials the other day on my new laptop and was laughing so hard I started crying, and I think I had seen the special three times to that day. I've seen him live once, and am still dying to have him film/record his newest stuff.

He actually also wrote Pootie Tang if you can believe it.

Anyway, when you get the chance, check out Louis CK's stuff, as he is my favorite comedian and is awesome.

My Top 5 Calvin and Hobbes Strips

2009-05-28T06:46:00.001-07:00

Growing up, I think that one of the biggest influences on me was Calvin and Hobbes. Out of every comic strip going, this one was and, lets face it, will always be the best. The dichotomy between Calvin and his stuffed imaginary tiger, Hobbes, was always poignant and would always leave a smile on my face.

So here's a breakdown of my top 5 strips from it:

5.) Ghosts

This strip is just hillarious. I can't tell you how many times in the past when I was younger I would just scare the hell out of myself while sitting in my bed by thinking about a question similar to this one. Not to mention the pacing and the final scene of both Calvin and Hobbes just sitting outside of their tent with baseball bats, waiting for the sun to come up so ghosts wouldn't kill them in their sleep. Classic.

4.) Over Population

I love this strip just for the fact that you see a guy's back just get blown apart on a Sunday morning comic strip. Plus I guess there's some good social commentary thrown in there as well.

3.) Don't you wish everyday were summer?

This became more subjective to me as I entered the work force a few years back. Christ I miss summers. I miss having those long months off where I could just sit around doing nothing and having fun. This strip kind of exemplifies that, and also it has another example of Hobbes just rubbing Calvin's face in it, which is always funny. That look Hobbes just gives him while almost cramming their faces together is hysterical, I'm a big advocate of not needing to use dialogue 24/7 in a story and this was a perfect example of that.

2.) Hobbes knocks the shit out of Calvin

I would always love the way Hobbes would deck Calvin, thereby "welcoming" him home. It always looked like Calvin had just survived a bomb going off or something. Always great for a laugh.

5.) The Finale

The final strip. Really, no better way to send off the comic than this. Touching and brought a tear to my eye the first time reading it.

Being a Scooby Doo Villain Has Got To Suck

2009-05-26T09:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not even talking about the fact that you get your ass handed to you by a motley crew of misfits, potheads, and a talking dog, I'm talking about the actual act of having to haunt shitty places in heavy rubber suits.

Yesterday, I had a show in Vienna VA that was at the "Counter Culture Festival" which was located, surpisingly enough, to an actual Culture Festival. I use the word Culture loosely for the "Culture Festival" as it was more just like a regular festival with rides, fried food, and carnies. Horrible horrible carnies.

So myself and the other comedians there (Jake, Aparna, Tyler, and Hampton for those keeping score) discussed the implications of having to haunt some shitty carnival for the rest of eternity. Thinking about it further, this led to the inevitable comparison with Scooby Doo villains who are usually stuck haunting carnivals, shitty old mansions, and what not.

Imagine you have just discovered that there is a large amount of gold buried underneath the local carnival that has just rolled into town. Rather than go to the city counsel and ask for help in retrieving said gold, receiving a small finders fee, it has come to your attention that scaring the shit out of small children and obese families is the way to go about this. So, you decide to whip up a costume of Evan Valentine in ten years, as seen below:

And get to work on claiming your gold. Things do not go as planned however.

You are now stuck haunting the shittiest place in the world. You have started to go deaf from the constant blaring of the music from Foreigner on a regular basis. You are getting ridiculously fat from only being able to eat funnel cakes and cheesesteaks. No one is really afraid of you because the carnies are way more hideous than you could ever hope to be and so you're ghastly moans and grunts fall on deaf ears, much like your own. But fuck it, YOU NEED YOU SOME TREASURE! You ain't going back to that wife who won't stop talking about her case of the gout and that job where you have to clean the stalls of the local porno store. No sir! Time to strap up and put on that Fishman suit.

Finally, someone begins paying attention to you in the form of a stoner, a jock, a hot chick, a bookworm and a talking dog. You're so giddy that you begin doing what you do best, scaring the shit out of them and slipping on banana peels.

Eventually though, right as you feel that you've managed to outwit the young group of teens after dodging their final trap, the talking dog will accidentally push you into the cotton candy machine where you will find yourself unable to move due to the delicious, yet fast sealing apoxy treat. You have been undone.

The cops arrive on the scene and you are charged with "felony count of putting on a goofy costume and scaring people, minor felony for public irritation of a talking dog, and seventy three counts of attempted murder." Yeah, I forgot to mention that when you try to shove a barrel over a stoner's head, that isn't too kindly viewed by the local police department.

All you can say before the police take you to the van where they will savagely beat you for dressing up like "one of them city monster folk." is "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those kids and their otherworldy dog who has the ability to form coherent thought and reason." The kids and the police have a laugh, now its off to jail for you where you will be viciously raped, in costume no less, and do anything you can to become a part of the gang of guys locked away who were also put away for wearing halloween costumes, known ironically enough as "The Scoobies".

Be sure to watch out for Big Steve, he may be the leader but thats just because he's the craziest guy in there:

I'm absolutely terrified that Terminator 4 will suck

2009-05-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

Christ am I worried. Its been awhile since I've worried about a movie not living up to at least half of my expectations as this one.

After having seen Terminator 3 and finding it to be kind of passable, when rumblings of Terminator 4 started happening, I was hesitant. That sort of went away when I found out that a.) It would take place in the dystopian future of Man vs Machine and b.) Christian Bale was going to be John Connor.

Now nothing against Nick Stohl, the guy who played him in Terminator 3, he's a great actor. I dug him in Carnivale, but I don't think he was right for who John Connor was. John Connor, as I saw him and many others saw him, was the leader of men. He was the guy who, despite being a messed up kid who hated authority, grew up to be the commander and chief of the resistance, grabbing rookies from the ground, shaking them off, and shoving a gun into their hands while blowing a T-800 apart with a grenade. He's Captain fucking America. Christian Bale can pull this off, Nick Stohl really couldn't.

So needless to say, I thought that they were taking a step in the right direction, but then I started hearing some things like "All action, no substance." and things of that nature. Kind of disheartening to be sure. But let me explain to you people reading why my expectations are a little high on this one and thats due to Terminator 2.

I saw Terminator 2 in the theaters as my dad took me to see it, deciding that this would be the first R Rated movie I should see to put hair on my chest (Well Played Dad.) I had no idea what Terminator was exactly before I went into that theater but God damn it if it didn't slam the concept into my face like a fist when the movie started:

This was the future:

Judgement Day. Where everything you know and loved has been fire bombed to death. If you were unfortunate enough to survive that, you became a part of the war. A war in which humanity was getting its ass handed to it.

We were out numbered. We were getting decimated. Our firepower was the equivalent of a pea shooter against a rocket launcher. The machines never slept. Never stopped and would just keep coming after you until you were dead. The remaining members of humanity only found rest in their shattered, torn hovels which were underground and were basically crappy shanty towns.

When you thought you were safe, Skynet would send a Terminator who looked identical to a regular person, and that "person" would just lay into everyone near him with a gattling gun. Good luck trying to ever feel safe ever again because it isn't happening.

Welcome to manhood Evan Valentine, proceed to have your teeth kicked in by watching the screen.

Which leads me to why I am just a little bit more than worried when I started seeing previews for Salvation. I never really got that feeling of "This is the end of the world, and we are hopelessly fighting a losing battle that we will never win."

I'm hoping I'm wrong. I'm hoping that despite all the bad reviews that have been coming out, that it will still manage to be a great movie unto itself (Not Terminator 2 mind you, but at least half that would make me happy).

We'll see though.

Being Tall is Lame

2009-05-20T07:30:00.000-07:00

I'm 6'6. That is way above the norm when it comes to height. Its ridiculously tall. Everyone seems really jealous of the fact that I tower over most people but let's look at the downsides.

1.) I constantly get asked whether I played or still play basketball. Due to a bum knee and the fact that I'm whiter than Casper the Friendly Ghost, B-ball was never in the cards. I have played but being Irish seems to negate the ability to play hoops for me and most others.

2.) I scare people. This can be good and bad. Bad in the fact that I'm a big stupid puppy dog if you know me, so I really wouldn't ever feel the need to be terrifying. Good in the fact that if I'm walking through DC alone in any part of the city, I always feel pretty sure that I won't get mugged. Sometimes I think when I say something like, "Oh and could I please have a few napkins with that?" people are actually hearing, "I will grind your childrens' bones to dust to make my bread! URUKAI!!!!"

3.) Shitty knees. I've popped my knee out of place like a hundred times and its due to my being tall and thus being more susceptable to it.

4.) Having to sit in seats like on airplanes or the metro. These seats weren't made with tall people in mind. I'm constantly having to move my knees to the side or look ridiculous sitting in these seats made for no one over 5'10. Ugh.

5.) If I was on the run from the police, they could instantly find me from anywhere at all times. I could just hear the police radio now.

"Be on the lookout for a 6'6 white....no wait I see him. Get the tear gas."

6.) I constantly hit my head on things. Its so annoying. But again, doorways and street lights were made for the shorter people of the world.

7.) I would be instantly shot in Japan for fear I was one of their mythological monsters of yore, like Godzilla or Nixon.

So while there are advantages, I wouldn't mind being at a nice 5'10 or so.

Oh and also, ANUPAMA IS AWESOME!

*Note, Anupama being awesome is the expressed opinion of Evan Valentine due to her insistence on being mentioned in the blog under threat of withholding her free job booze.*

Jon and Kate Plus Evan!

2009-05-19T06:49:00.001-07:00

Hello everyone. So last night I managed to watch my very first episode of "Jon and Kate plus 8" and, using my comedic connections, was able to have an interview with this famous couple to talk about a few things with them. Here's the transcript of this fun interview:

Evan: Good morning Jon! Good morning Kate!

Kate: Why did you say his name first?

Jon: *Loud snoring*

Kate: WAKE UP! Christ he's AAALLLWAAYYSSS doing this.

Jon: What? What happened? Are the kids dead?

Evan: We're doing our interview, remember?

Jon: Oh....*looks around*....are you sure?

Kate: JONATHAN!

Jon: I NEED TO SLEEP KATE! OK? I NEED SLEEP! I SLEEP FOR 45 MINUTES A NIGHT!

Evan: Ok, well let's move things along, so how do you guys like having 8 kids?

Jon: Its great. Best thing that ever happened to me. *rolls eyes*

Kate: What was that?

Jon: What was what?

Kate: You rolled your eyes didn't you?

Jon: I never said that.

Kate: But you did! I saw you!

Jon: Here we go.

Kate: If you didn't want to have 8 kids, we shouldn't have used the turkey baster in the bedroom!

Jon: YOU MADE ME USE IT! YOU MADE ME! I wanted to be a rock star! Did you know that Evan?

Evan: Uhhmm No I didn't.

Jon: Yeah! *eyes light up* Here, take a look at this picture. *hands Evan an old picture of himself and a motley crew, all of whom are wearing business suits, playing various instruments*

Evan: The...Asian Persuasion?

Jon: That was my band! We played bar mitzvahs, weddings, and church gatherings. We were the tits man! You should have seen us in our prime....you know before....*eyes over to Kate* this happened.

Kate: Oh right Jon! RIGHT! Your band was really going to make it! Your best song was "Eye of Pat Morita" AND IT WAS TERRIBLE!

Jon: IT WAS GOLD! *lifts hand as if to slap Kate, Kate quickly decks Jon* AAA! AAA!

Evan: *Puts picture away* Ok well we're getting off on a tangent again. How has the new stardom really affected your lives? I hear the show is a big success.

Kate: Its great. Half the fun is being recognized on the street and telling couples how to live happy marriages with one anot...

Jon: Sometimes I like to....

Kate: *glares at Jon* You interrupted me Jon. What did I tell you about interrupting me? *cracks knuckles*

Jon: Oh God please no Kate. Not in the face! My looks are all I have.

Kate: HA!

Jon: Why do you belittle me so? You know what she said to me once Evan? You know what she said?

Evan: *nervously responds* Nooo?

Jon: She says she likes her men like she likes her acting roles for Jeffrey Tambor, balding and slowly dying on the inside! She rips my hair out when I'm asleep! I KNOW SHE DOES!

Kate: That's a lie!

Jon: She replaced my rogaine with string cheese!

Evan: That can't be good.

Jon: No it isn't! I get chased by dogs!

Evan: So let's talk about your kids a little bit more, how are they doing?

Kate: They're doing great. Little Aiden rode his first bicycle yesterday.

Jon: Is that the gay one?

Kate: Johnathan, I SWEAR TO GOD!

Jon: Don't get mad at me Kate! Don't you dare! I have no idea which is which anymore. Ok? You tell me to make lunch for Aiden and so I give it to one of the girls and I find out that that's actually one of the boy's names! How can I keep track of all of this? Its not possible! There's 8 of them Evan! 8! That's 4 times 2! That's 8 times 1! That's enough children to build a pyramid!

Kate: If you bring up the pyramid idea again, so help me.

Jon: She never listens to my ideas! I tell her that we should have the children build a pyramid like back in the time of ancient Egypt so we can always be remembered for our great parenting skills. Is that insane? HUH?

Evan: Well actually....

Jon: Oh really? *Jon looks down for a minute and contemplates in silence* My bad.

Evan: *ruffles anxiously through question cards* All right....ok....so what do you two like to do in your spare time?

Kate: I'm sorry I don't understand the question.

Evan: What don't you understand about the question?

Kate: What is "Spur time"?

Evan: Spare time....*Kate shrugs her shoulders*Its time you have to yourselves.

Kate: Oh...haha...of course. Well I like to breath during my free moments.

Jon: I like to look on google for painless methods of suicide. You wouldn't happen to have any apricots on you do you? Because I hear....

Evan: MOVING ON! *ruffles through cards again* I know there's been some trouble between you two recently with the whole "cheating" ordeal.

Kate: Yes well....nobody's perfect.

Jon: We are really trying to work out our problems. Its better for the kids this way.

Evan: Wow that's really great to hear. Do you think there will be more kids in the future?

Jon: What? WHAT? WHAT? NO! NOOO! NOOOOOO!

Kate: Jon gets a little nervous when he gets asked that question.

Jon: No I'm....*Jon begins loosening his tie*....I'm fine. Everything's going to be fine.....Is it hot in here to anyone else? It just seems hot to me.

Kate: Its room temperature to me.

Jon: It just seems really....I'm going to take off my pants *begins loosening belt*

Evan: I can't say thats something you should be doing.

Jon: I'm going to do it anyway. Ok. *takes off pants* You know what, its still blazing hot in here. I'm going to take off some other clothes.

Evan: What is he....?

Kate: Oh no, he's relapsing! Whenever Jon gets asked a question about more children, he thinks if he takes off all his clothes that the earth will somehow swallow him whole and take him away from this place! JOHNATHAN! PUT ON YOUR TIE!

Jon: ITS SO HOT IN HERE! EVERYTHING IS SO....TAKE ME AWAY! TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS PLACE! *Jon begins frantically ripping off his garments.* TAKE ME AWAY! I DON'T WANT ANYMORE KIDS! SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS LIFE!

Kate: JOHNATHAN! YOU STOP THIS NONSENSE IMMEDIATELY!

Jon: Asssiiiaannnn PERSUASION! Rocking the world with an oriental groove!

Kate: Oh christ he's relapsing!

Jon: Asian PERSUASION! Our gyrating hips are silky smooth!

Evan: I'm going to....go now.

*Kate begins slapping a naked Jon, singing the start of "Eye of Pat Morita" as Evan leaves*

That Red Headed Freak Archie is getting married!

2009-05-18T12:44:00.000-07:00

Yes, Archie Andrews, that red headed freak from the funny books, is apparently getting married. Ok a couple things to start off.

First, isn't Archie like perpetually 15 years old or some shit? And he's getting married already? Does he live on the Bible Belt? I always forget where Riverdale is located exactly so I guess that could be the case.

Secondly, is Archie retarded? For some reason, every hot girl in Riverdale wants to bone this kid due to the fumes from a toxic chemical spill or something, thats really my only guess as to why this is the case, and he wants to settle down with one? Pashaw. Ridiculous. Preposterous.

Third, shouldn't Archie have died of Sexually Transmitted Diseases years ago?

Fourth, He's fucking 15....AGAIN! He can't support a wife or a family with his paper route! In no time at all, he'll be blowing Mr. Witherbee behind the dumpster at the Malt Shop for a little spare change.

Ok, well aside from those points, lets diagnose exactly who Archie may propose to from the list of possible suspects.

1.) Betty
Now that my friends is commitment. Betty is the usual "go to girl" whenever someone is asked between Betty and her arch rival, who we'll get into in a bit. Now she's a little shy and she's rough around the edges, but she's a girl who you can bring home to mother. Unfortunately, I think for the most part she'd be about as fun as a bucket of rocks to hang out with in general, but hey love conquers all. The second she screams out "Palin in '12!" Archie needs to book it fast and not look back. That youthful appearance isn't going to last forever sir, so you'd better cover your bases.

2.) Veronica

Who could forget Veronica? The evil one of the two stable choices for Archie. Evil because she's rich. And she's got black hair. Yep, evil. With her, you aren't marrying a smoking hot wife, you're marrying a smoking hot bank account. No question, she will forget about you as soon as you slap a wedding ring on that finger and start banging the starting lineup of the '96 Dallas Cowboys but hey, you're rich now too and I know Archie wouldn't be stupid enough to sign a prenuptual agreement on this one. So....Cha Ching!

3.) Cherry

Now I don't know who this is exactly, but she has the clap. NEXT!

4.) Big Ethel

Jesus Christ! Good God that is probably the most depressing thing ever. I think after attempting to rape Jughead, the next step in Ethel's master plan is to eat a bullet. She's never been really into Archie, so I suspect she's the only chick on the face of that fictional world not affected by his charms or she's secretly a man. Speaking of Jughead....

5.) Jughead

You know I couldn't finish this out without making the obligatory gay joke. I really don't see this happening, but not for the reasons you think. I think that if it ain't food, Jughead isn't interested. He is an asexual eating machine who strangely enough never gets fat. How odd. I can only imagine him on Friday nights.

"Hey Jughead, want to go get some pussy?"
"That's a funny way of saying hamburgers you asshole!"

Such is life. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

My Secret Shame

2009-05-15T08:08:00.001-07:00

So I'm a creative person. I think we can all agree on that fact. I've been doing comedy for a few years now. I've been a part of a band that rules the world known as "The Champions". I have even created a graphic novel that has yet to see publication, which I need an artist for and I need to work on my pitch, etc etc. There is one thing however that I have worked on and created that I think will leave my mark on the world. Its something that I created a little while ago that has been evolving and growing in my head as time goes on and the longer it goes, the more intricate it becomes.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am in the process of writing a rock epic musical comedy thing that will last between 90 to 120 minutes.

This rock epic is called, "Thor!"

Let me fill you in on the story behind this. Back in the time when the Champions recorded in the basement of the parents of one Mr. Joseph Gonzalez, we came up with a number of ideas that we thought would be great to record. A few of these included the now legendary: Jacob McGillicuddy, Power Rangers: 15 Years Later, and Now Now Now Three Times!

We were in a brainstorming session outside, smoking cigs and discussing what our next recording should be, as we now had the use of one Adrian K on the guitar. We talked about wouldn't it be funny if three random kids came upon Thor, the God of Thunder! This then morphed into the story of Thor coming down to earth and getting a job in a crappy burger place.

We went inside and proceeded to start playing our instruments, mine being my voice as I supplied the voice of the bellowing Thor. Markian Dobczansky supplied the theme for Thor, which is now burned into my mind. We recorded the track in one take, and I'll never forget the fact that we did a 15 minute song with no screw ups in one take with no rehearsel or script writing, the stars were just aligning that day my friends.

And thus, Thor was born.

Thor yelled at his father Odin, played by Chris Brooks, about how he did not understand "the mortals" and proceeded to go to the unemployment office, destroying the line of people in front of him. He is then assigned to the "Burger Hut" where, in a timid voice (after his hammer is replaced with a spatula), wonders, "What hath become of Thor?"

The song ends with Thor regaling a small boy with the horrifying story of the "Battle of Lokthar" which was appropriate for NO one and Thor finds himself destroying the world after destroying the burger hut and flexing.

The Champions have performed Thor one time live and due to the loss of our bass player, we've had some trouble in recording new material and re performing Thor.

Thus began the writing of what I am hoping will eventually be made into a small play of some kind. "THOR! - The Musical" will follow the same basic story as the original song, with added in characters and scenarios (Two new songs I have written are "My woman be a hammer!" and "Loki unleashes the rape goblins!")

So look for the following to happen in the future from this: I will write this musical and work on performing it with anyone I can find to help out in it in the distant future in an art house or stage that can be cheaply rented or I will continue the search for a band to record this song and help me perform the 15 minute version live.

Regardless, expect to see "Thor!" at some point in time.

How to deal with them blues!

2009-05-13T06:32:00.001-07:00

Its been a rough couple of days for your old pal Evan. I've been in the dumps and so I thought I'd tell you what I do when I'm getting a "case of the gloomies". I do what Barney Stinson does.

"When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story."

Life is too short to be blue and mopey. The world is great big place and I get to make fun of everything about it on a stage in front of people, who could ask for more?

But anyway, here's a list of things that I personally adhere to in order to make myself be awesome:

1.) Be like unto Drago.

Yes the villain from Rocky 4, Ivan Drago, didn't take crap from anyone but most importantly, he worked out on a constant basis to make himself a Russian superman, with the ability to kill people wearing the American flag with his fists!

....But more realistically, the working out part. A couple months back, I joined a gym and am paying a ungodly amount in monthly gym fees which forces me to get off my lazy ass and stick to a training regiment. 3 miles a day, lifting, crapping out steel!, etc etc. So in a couple of months, I hope to look like the Irish version of Drago, who I dub, Drago O'Schaunnessy.

2.) Write standup comedy so I can go apeshit on a stage!

Yes, writing comedy is a great way to pass the time and being sad makes you a better comedian! Its true and 9 out of 10 doctors agree! And when I'm too old to get up on a stage, I will turn into one of these two men:

3.) Put on a red power ring and have the energy burn out my insides which I wll then vomit out in rage!Ok, no not really. I just wanted to be a gigantic geek for a second there.

4.) Drink! Yes there's nothing like being an uncouth drunkard to knock those spirits of yours up. I prefer to get mine from Old Timey Pete's Blindness Distillery, as shown here:

But in all seriousness folks, we all get down and out from time to time. Granted we can stew in it and be depressed and mopey and what not, but I prefer to kick ass. And that is what I am saying to you, go out into the world and kick ass. Kick ass everywhere that you can in everything that you can. Kick ass while drinking your morning cup of coffee. Kick ass while driving your car to get a wash. Kick ass while fighting a bear!

Kick ass in life!

Where do Comedians get their jokes? The Secret Revealed!

2009-05-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

Usually, when I'm at the bars and meeting new people, I get the same questions,

"Oh you're a stand up comedian? How about telling us a couple of jokes? Where do you come up with your jokes?"

I thought I would use this opprotunity to really give you an in depth analysis of the answers to these questions. Well actually, the last question, I can answer the first two questions easily.

1.) Yes.

2.) No.

Of course I am a stand up comedian, I just said so. You heard the words that came out of my mouth and if you didn't, well then you should have been listening harder. I say, "no", to telling jokes outside of the stage because well, telling jokes in a crowded bar without a stage or directly at one person is rough. No one's ever REALLY paying attention and you're having to battle against everyone elses' voices in the joint. Its only ever worked ONE time where I legitimately had a great response and that was in college for some Towson girls who then took a picture with me, God bless them.

Now, let's get down to the nitty gritty. How do I come up with my material? Well there are a number of ways but I find the most effective way of coming up with great jokes is to do what most comedians do, and that of course is to fight the legendary cave troll of KrathaDOOM!

Yes, Shecky the Cave Troll has lived in the lower bowels of the darkest recesses of mankind's domain for untold milennia, giving jesters and wordsmiths their inspirations throughout history. Needless to say, overcoming Shecky is difficult and a trial the likes of which few have ever seen.

Finding him is half the challenge as his location is a secret only solved through the following riddle:

"Come find me in a place of rock and bird, where Big Beef and Cheddar is procured!"

This of course refers to the dumpster behind the Arby's on Rockville Pike. Come on people, stay with me here. Now, Shecky is one tough customer so you always need to be prepared with "comedy" weapons that include the following:

1.) Fake Clown Nose

2.) A setlist

And of course,

3.) A Gun.

Now, once you have overcome Shecky, he is obliged to give you three jokes on the topics of your choosing so its best to think carefully. The first time I beat Shecky down I said the following,

"Give me a joke about Oprah!"
"What is an Oprah?"

Thus began the long process of informing Shecky who Oprah was, what her relevance was to the world, and so on and so forth. Shecky then replied:

"Oprah's thin, then she's fat, its almost like she's on Weight Watchers in reverse! Eh? Eh?"

It was time to beat Shecky more severely this time. The trick to this cave troll is that he supplies comedy to everyone so the harder you pummel him, the better your jokes will be. After explaining the premise of the Wizard of Oz to Shecky, he supplied me with my, now legendary, "Wizard of Oz bit" after he was done spitting out his molars.

So remember, if you want to be a stand up comedian just like your old pal Evan, find Shecky and beat him mercilessly for jokes.

Go Fuck Yourself Barry Allen!

2009-05-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

Go on! Get out of here! No one wants you here! Get offa my lawn with your bow ties and your ability to run faster than the speed of light! GO ON!

Listen its not you, its us. We've moved on. You had some good stories but you were before our time and we learned to love somebody else. His name's Wallace. Yes I know, he's your nephew and everything but he's just like you, only....you know....interesting.

And your track record as the Flash isn't exactly the greatest thing in the world.

Great, now the Abraham Lincoln of the future is dead. Way to go Barry, great job. Way to stand there and watch instead of you know running and doing something about it.

You just....and I really wasn't going to go here but you've forced me to.....you just can't do anything right. I don't know what's to be done with you. You just keep disappointing everyone at every turn and its starting to get more than a little embarassing.

Wow, as if things couldn't get any worse, now the psychic gorilla is telling me that he's stolen your clothes. So now you're out there naked, bringing even more shame to your family and friends. Wonderful. Terrific. Spectacular. No really good job. Wow, its so great to have you back Barry.

Even more insult to injury, the Reverse Flash is now banging your girlfriend disguised as you. Ouch. He's the reverse of you so she probably figured out he wasn't you pretty quick when he wasn't asking her to borrow money or biting his toe nails at her in laws' house in front of them or using his super speed in the bedroom.

You're a police detective Barry, you should really solve the mystery of why you suck at life. Maybe its because you wear a bow tie. Mystery solved. Flash Fact.

The NEW West Virginia

2009-05-06T05:40:00.001-07:00

So West Virginia has started a new ad campaign and boy is it exciting. As having had a house in the Shenandoah mountains with my folks when I was younger, I can tell you that this new ad is 100% guaranteed to show one and all the spirit of this glorious place.

So without further ado, here is the new ad campaign for West Virginia!

Earth Girls Are Easy: A Guide to Dating Aliens

2009-05-05T05:34:00.000-07:00

Good morning all you lucky bachlerottes,

Boy do I have an exciting entry for you today! I know that some guys on earths can be dicks, so I'm going to offer you something different. That's right, its time for you to meet the right man who isn't a man at all. Its time to start dating some aliens and we're going to take a look at the pros and cons of each of these lucky bachelors right here and now (Thanks to Mr. Crawley for this idea by the way).

Off we go! Name: Alf

Pros: Humorous, Has a loving relationship with family (so that means he can have a loving relationship with you!), can drive a car, has his own pad (which is a laundry room), hairy.

Cons: Will eat your cat, very insensitive, not quite sure he has genitals.

Name: ET The Extra Terrestrial

Pros: He's got magic fingers (no really they're magic, they glow and fix shit), loves candy, can make your bike fly, loves everything.

Cons: Definitely no genitals, hangs out with kids a little too much, never wears clothes, fugitive from the US government, possibly retarded.

Name: Alien

Pros: Will get you pregnant in under a week so he's not afraid of commitment, in good shape (a steady regiment of goring marines keeps him fit), has a tinier version of himself in his mouth (Uhhhmmm, I guess thats a good thing?)

Cons: Will kill you through pregnancy or through stabbing or through goring or through decapitation or through the tinier version of himself in his mouth.

Name: Superman

Pros: Your parents will love him, he actually looks human, can leap tall buildings in a single bound, he's faster than a locomotive.

Cons: Your parents will love him, he's already married (You'll have to be his super mistress), he's faster than a locomotive....in bed!, constantly called away to "save the world" but we know what he's really doing (partying with super whores!).

Name: Yoda

Pros: One with the force, he is a monster in the bedroom, he's mature unlike those younger guys.

Cons: His talking is all fucked up, his clothes are so last century, won't stop telling you that you're heading down a dark path to the dark side, short!

Slasher Movies

2009-05-04T07:20:00.000-07:00

This topic was requested by the ever talented Mr. Chris Piers, so give the man a round of applause.

For those who don't know, the "slasher" movie is basically a movie where a group of people, usually teenagers, go up against a maniacal villain who disposes of most of the group of protagonists in inventive and/or horrifying ways. When I was 10 years old, I ate this stuff up so I'm always going to have a certain affinity for them in my life, regardless of how bad they are, and trust me, in this genre, they can be pretty fucking bad.

What are some examples of great "slasher" movies you may ask? Well there's Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Child's Play, etc.

For the most part, these movies are watched more based on the "slasher" themselves than the cast of poor victims who get the axe. Its funny to think about, because if the audience isn't relating to the victims, does that mean that people are seeing these to relate to the killers themselves? Its kind of a strange psychological question that we as a society will sometimes root for the homicidal guy with a burnt face and fedora over a teenage girl with daddy issues.

Unfortunately, for every good movie in the genre, there are literally a hundred crappy ones. Case in point:Like many things in life, making these movies isn't exactly rocket science so its tough to see the sheer percentage of downright awful ones that come out on a regular basis. A slasher movie is just made to be a good time, a date flick where the guy can have an excuse for the girl to grab his arm frantically as Michael Myers walks slowly after Laurie Strode, or in the case of gay couples, for them to flippantly mock Leatherface for wearing shoes that are "so last year" (I'm a comedian, ba ding tsss).

Is the sheer number of these awful flicks being made slowly killing the genre? Doesn't seem like it. The new approach seems to be remaking classic franchises with the same characters and storylines but new actors and situations. I thought they did a bang up job with the new Friday the 13th but I think that they completely missed the mark with Zombie's Halloween.

And every once in awhile, some of these low budget, direct to DVD movies will actually really surprise you and make something great. Such was the case with "Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon".

Its a very interesting concept about a "slasher in training" and really puts the genre on its ear. Its not only a great slasher movie, its a great movie and maybe thats how the genre has to be approached from here on in. The more compelling you make the victims and the more interesting you make the story, the more it will resonate with those watching and a better time can be had by all. We aren't talking Shakespeare, but if movie makers put effort into what they're doing, it shows.

But are slasher movies good horror movies? I'd say no. I think that they do a great job for what they're designed for, giving quick shocks to audiences, but the sign of a great horror movie is one that stays with you, that really makes it tough for you to sleep, and really gets under your skin. These are few and far between nowadays it seems (as you could see from my Netflix queue, I'm on a constant search for movies that will really terrify me)

So in the future, I'll still be looking out for good horror movies and good slasher movies, like diamonds in the rough.

Update:

Duh. How silly of me. I completely forgot to share with everyone what I think really is the scariest "slasher" movie of all time. As I mentioned, generally, most slasher movies don't really come across as scary, to me anyway. But there was one slasher movie that scared me so bad when I was 11 years old, that I couldn't sleep. I could barely be in a room alone by myself for about a week. Most importantly, I could never EVER look in a mirror. To this day, it still kind of creeps me out whenever I think about it.

Candyman. Sweet mother of crap, Candyman. No "slasher" movie terrified me more than this. If you haven't seen this before, get your significant other, turn off the lights, and prepare to be scared shitless.

Maybe it was the fact that the movie started with the antagonist telling you directly that he was going to murder you who was watching or maybe it was the whole "urban legend" feel of it or the fact that the kills were downright horrific and brutal. Certainly the fact that Clive Barker of Hellraiser fame having a hand in this made it much more scary. Regardless of the reason, the movie simply horrified me.

There are no cats in America

2009-04-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

.........

This is a lie.

My family came to this country to make shoes and eat cheese. We were promised a better life.

We were betrayed.

My family was in the middle of a jaunty ballad about the importance of flossing when the death squads descended upon us.

Wave after wave of cats dressed up like classy rats began evicserating the general populace.

My best friend Tiger was there.

He was violently raped to death. Violently.

I'm the last mouse alive. I plan to move west and see if I can find inner peace.

I know that in the end we're all going to die, but so help me God, the cats will go first.

My name is Fievel. Join my resistance. And if you see those cats, tell them I'm coming and hell's coming with me.

The Greatest Movie Monologue in the History of Forever

2009-04-29T05:49:00.000-07:00

"Cooking for all you fine people has really helped me to forget that I was in the Vietnam war. Have a great winter, I'm gonna go hump the fridge!"
"What?"

"Yes folks its true. I said I'm gonna go hump the fridge. What you also might not know is that......I own a bottle of dick cream, I like to fondle my sweaters and I often like to smear mud on my ass. Right now I bet you're saying to yourself, 'Isn't he a weirdo? An outcast? Loose cannon?' Maybe I don't think so."

"I' d like to introduce you to someone. This is my friend.....I don't know who he is but I do know this! At a time when I was trying to hide myself from myself, he was there to show me....a new way. That I could be proud of who I am! I put it to you, Camp Firewood on our last day together to be proud of who you are!

Look at me Ma, I made it! I'm OK!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some unfinished business to attend to."

The embarassing story of my Wisdom Teeth

2009-04-28T10:22:00.000-07:00

I thought I would share the horribly embarassing story of getting my wisdom teeth taken out. Why is it embarassing you may ask? Well for several reasons.

The story began early during my college career and had discovered that my wisdom teeth were being a gang of unruly assholes and messing up the rest of my teeth, so out they had to go. An appointment was scheduled and I was brought to the orthodontist to have them taken out.

I was sat down in a chair and was told that I would be getting a shot that would knock me out completely during the procedure, and thank Christ for that as even if I couldn't feel any pain, it would still be the most horrible thing in the world to have to be awake to people ripping out chunks of your head while hitting on the hot nurses.

Anyway, I was given the shot and was told to count backward from 100 which I then began to do. I was then informed that I would start to itch violently before I passed out as I continued counting. Of course they didn't exactly tell me where. Now I don't know if this is common, but the only place that itched on my body happened to be my crotch. And I'm talking VERY itchy, apparently the shot also gave me crabs and didn't even buy dinner first.

So the last thing I remember before passing out into unconciousness was violently scratching my crotch over my jeans with three nurses standing around me. Really, I couldn't get any more suave.

So the procedure went well and I woke up a few hours later with the doctor and my parents near me. He said that while the operation was successful, something odd had happened during the procedure. While the doctor and nurses' backs were turned to me, I apparently stood up from my chair, with all the equipment and gauze in my mouth, and proceeded to try and leave the office.

Now I can't imagine what I had looked like but I think it was akin to something like this:

The moral of the story? Your wisdom teeth are the real cause of Night of the Living Dead. Case closed.

Surely, this is the end

2009-04-27T06:31:00.000-07:00

The Swine Flu.

Good Lord this is it. I hope you have made your peace with God because this is truly the end of days. As the news outlets have been telling us, there is no stopping this apocalyptic new strain of virus that causes human beings to go into rage like outbursts due to its symptoms which include fever, lethargy, lack of appetite and coughing! JESUS CHRIST! Remember how much of the population was killed by the Avian Flu? 99% of the population, that's how much!

Since 1976, 20 people have been consumed by this nightmare! That's almost one per year! At that staggering rate, the world will surely be swallowed whole by disease.

Now let me ask you a serious question, in your everyday life, how many times do you encounter free roaming pigs on the streets or near your home? If you answered less than 60, you are a LIAR!

My advice for you is to never go outside ever again, board your windows, buy plenty of shotgun shells, and proceed to shoot anyone who comes near your established place of residence. No one can be trusted when it comes to the pig virus! Oh dear Lord, its evolving!

American Pie Guy WHY?

2009-04-22T05:42:00.000-07:00

About a week ago, I did a standup show at the Arlington Cinema Drafthouse where I did a couple new jokes that went over really well. I love the Drafthouse, its a great atmosphere and its always a fun time. I also like chatting it up with the bartender there as she cracks me up.

I was talking with her and she had forgotten who I was for the third time, hillarious, and said "What was your name again?"
"Evan" At which point I shook her hand. Now when I shake a woman's hand, I keep in mind that I'm a 6'6 monster man and feel that I need to do it as lightly as possible so as I don't cripple them.

"Dude. You call that a handshake? I will never sleep with a guy who doesn't have a good handshake." She replied.

Well, that was good, I thought considering I'm not trying to sleep with you. Lord knows if I had broken every bone in her hand I might have gotten anal, literally, ba ding TSSSS.

Anyway, back to the main story, so after the Drafthouse I did the Hot Broth Comedy Open Mic run by my friends, Jake and Tyler, fellow comedians in the area for those who don't know, at the Ballston Comedy spot. I had gotten there a little late but Jake was able to give me some time as he kicks ass.

I roll up onto the stage and notice that the people in the front row all look like they had been ripped from an Abercrombie and Fitch ad. I had been trying to work more crowd interaction stuff into my act so I proceeded to say the following:

"Wow. I really like these guys up in the front row. Why are you guys in town? You filming the next American Pie movie? American Pie 6: Barack the Party. 'We've got to tell the president that condoms are for LOSERS! Now get into the party van."

It got some laughs, except from one. Except from Stifler. Imagine this reaction, but with a thumbs down.

So, and his real name escapes me, Stifler turns out to be there to actually do standup as it is an open mic and anyone can get up on stage. His gang of "street tuffs" with lacrosse sticks ready to be swung into action all sat in the front row, and were the American Pie gang I had mentioned. Stifler proceeds to get on stage immediately after I do my set and "retaliate".

"Man...whatever....who the fuck keeps their shirt tucked in after 9 o'clock? What are you, the f-ing Brawny Man? You think I look like I'm from American Pie? Like Stifler? Whatever man. You're lucky you were so funny otherwise I would have tripped you while you were walking off the stage."

He then proceeded to read from the Fox News website, telling everyone how tea bagging was in fact NOT gay but rather a humiliation technique. Good one.

Let's examine this for a minute in that the American Pie crack legitimately seemed to disturb him, or perhaps it was more that I had called him out in front of his "brosefs". Me personally, I would take being told that I looked like Stifler was a compliment. I mean you've seen those American Pie movies, he's hillarious. He's like the comical epitome of hardcore frat guys, without the date rape.

Second, his response needed more chops as the Brawny man, as Jake put it, is the "epitome of handsomeness in Western Civilization." Its not an insult to call someone the Brawny Man unless you take offense to being a lumberjack or something, which I guess if you were an environmentalist would be the case. Like if I had instantly barged onto stage and yelled out, "You take that back! You take that back right now! I love Mother Nature and all that she bestows you crumb bum!"

I like saying Crumb Bum. Regardless, I appreciated the story for future use and wish Stifler the best of luck in his future endeavors of working at his dad's car dealership and longing for the days of lacrosse glory. I'll be over here, wrestling a bear.

I'm an oblivious idiot, but I'm working on it

2009-04-21T06:13:00.001-07:00

When I was a young Evan, growing up in the middle of McLean VA, aka rich land for white people, I was husky. Ok, let me rephrase that, I was fat. Ok let me rephrase that again, I was a downright slovenly sluggish child with a bowl haircut.

Anyway, while growing up, I was happy drinking my slurpees and eating McDonald's everyday and fearing the sun as it would burn my Irish inherited skin. So when time came around for high school, I wasn't exactly the best looking kid around. Which will start me into my stories of me being completely oblivious and thus, being an idiot.

When I was a freshman and early on as a sophomore, I did crew. Crew was a fucking meat grinder. In the same way that Fight Club carved you into a block of wood from playdoh, so too did Crew. So Sophomore year I had actually lost almost all of my baby fat and was starting to get attention. Of course, I was completely oblivious to the fact of this, case in point:

One fine, I want to say Saturday, I was home alone and milling around the house when a knock came on the door. I opened it up and a really attractive girl was standing there with a notepad. I will always have this situation burned into my head due to my retardedness. So the girl begins asking me about her efforts to save the planet, and I kind of shake my head a few times, at which point she says something to the effect of,

"You know we have meetings every week at the community center. Or if you can't make those, me and you can just go out sometime and get some coffee or something?"
".....Oh I'm sorry, my parents should probably be the ones signing this. See you later!"

*Door slams* Minutes later, I kind of "woke up" and was just scratching my head over the fact that I had slammed the door on this girl, who was obviously interested, due to my, I'll call them, "Phantom man tits" or still reeling from being extremely overweight but not anymore at the time.

So in high school, I had a few girlfriends but really they had all approached me cause I couldn't get this "syndrome" out of my head. Through that time, I gained the weight back and college rolled around. Thus began the craziest f-ing story ever as to how I lost the weight again for the, hopefully, final time.

A hypnotist had been brought in as a funny past time at the "welcome the freshmen" ceremony. Having never been to a hypnotist, I thought it would be funny if I volunteered. Guess what? I was, for lack of a better term, hypnotized like shit! I was doing some rather ridiculous things like dancing on stage and drawing pictures, crap like that. Then the hypnotist had the awesome idea of having me comically hit on someone in the crowd. I was brought over to a girl who was sitting in the audience and before I even said anything, she proceeded to say to her friend,

"Ewwww. Look at this fat kid they're going to get to hit on me! Why couldn't I get ANY of the other ones?"

Keep in mind, she said it fairly loud and, despite being hypnotized, could still hear very well. Imagine being a 6'6 college awkward freshman and in the first week you hear THAT. Realizing there was a gym within walking distance, I started going every single day. You know the freshman 15? Well multiply that by 3 and reverse it and that was my situation.

Over time, I started doing comedy and I've met a LOT of women but from time to time, I'll still revert to my "phantom bitch tits":

"Wow, that was a really great act, my place is right around the corner, let's go there."
"The time? Oh its quarter past 11. Welp, See you later!"

But I'm working on it.

Me at Age 12.

The most terrifying animal of all time

2009-04-20T06:15:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Goblin Shark.

Yes the Goblin Shark. I was innocently watching television yesterday, recovering from a nice long weekend, when I noticed a show that was called "Quest for the Goblin Shark". After looking at a picture of this horrifying creature, I thought for sure that they were surely questing for the Goblin Shark to have it killed before it wrecked havoc on mankind. I was wrong. They were merely observing it. The crew was later found all dead in their submarine, with the words, "Goblin Shark 4 Life" painted on the walls.

I guess it will always be a mystery as to what exactly happened to the crew.

Little known facts I learned about the Goblin Shark from this documentary:

1.) The Goblin Shark has the ability to kill you merely by knowing that you exist seven days after the fact.

2.) The Goblin Shark was the basis for the character "Freddy Krueger" as it can also stalk small children in their dreams and kill them.

3.) The Goblin Shark can only be killed with silver bullets launched out of an octopus.

4.) The Goblin Shark is known as the Goblin Shark, not because of its resemblance to a horrific goblin, rather because it has evolved to the point where it has "secret arms" that allow it to stumble onto land and club unsuspecting passer bys with its bone club, dragging them screaming back into the ocean depths.

5.) The Goblin Shark lives on a steady diet of shrimp, carp, and evil deeds.

6.) The Goblin Shark's bellow sounds surprisingly close to, "I'll swallow your soul!"

Pleasant Dreams.

The greatest movie in the history of mankind

2009-04-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

What movie am I speaking of you may be wondering? Well I'm about to tell you.

This is a movie where a man is injected with a "Chinese synthetic adrenaline blocker" that makes him flip the fuck out in his apartment, storm out of the building, drive a thousand miles an hour to his nearest African American Hell's Angels chapter, do an entire bag of coke off the bathroom floor, and proceed to fight everyone in the bar before getting into his car and leading the cops on a chase through a mall where his car lands sideways going up an escalator.

This is the FIRST FIVE MINUTES OF THE FILM! Do you understand what am I telling you? Did you hear what I just said? THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES!

I am of course speaking of Crank.

This is a picture of Statham's character, Chev Chelios, standing on top of a motorcycle he stole from a cop in a hospital gown that he stole from a hospital after electrocuting himself with medical paddles and pumping himself with an entire bottle of synthetic adrenaline AFTER he had snorted sixteen bottles of nasal spray up his nose.

Its pure insanity. Its pure unadultered insanity that never stops kicking your ass with its boot. Right when your teeth are on the ground, it proceeds to start slapping you and calling you "Weak skinny boy!" over and over again. Before watching this film, I THOUGHT I knew what being a man was, but Jason Statham has shown me the light through the act of banging his girlfriend in front of thousands of Japanese tourists (in the movie, if he did this in real life, reality would cease to exist and all would slowly implode into Jason Statham).

Everything you think this guy would need to do to keep his adrenaline up to survive, he does and he does it a thousand times more vicious than anyone ever would. Chev Chelios shows you how utterly pathetic you are for not running out in the middle of the movie and fighting every man, woman, and child you see, while simultaneously drinking Red Bull and shooting heroin into your eyeball.

So why am I mentioning this now? Because the sequel to Crank, entitled "Crank: High Voltage", comes out tomorrow and I need to spread the word on everyone everywhere seeing this movie. I foolishly missed the first movie in theaters but will NOT make the same mistake twice. To show you how badass this movie will be:

But I bet some of you are saying, "Well I have kids so I can't take them to see this." Well FUCK YOU! You NEED to take your children to see this movie as it will instantly turn them into adults who will kill you, take your wallet, drive away with your car, and become president.

Look at that man standing behind Chev Chelios, the shame in his eyes is apparent in that he cannot hook up a car battery to his tongue and nipples the way that Jason Statham can. The absolute shame of this has completely destroyed any choices or decisions this man will ever make, constantly haunted by his inability to be awesome through car battery electrocution.

Also in the movie, Statham begins dry humping an elderly woman to keep his heart going and she LOVES IT! AAAA CRANK AAAAA! Its like opening the arc of the covenant but only my weakness can see it.

UPDATE: Crank 2 has been reviewed as Crank 1 times eleven. I cannot even begin to comprehend such a thing but I imagine God's voice blares into the movie theater and has the following conversation with you:

"My son, YOU. MUST. FIGHT."
"But who? Where? When?"
"EVERYONE. EVERYWHERE. ALWAYS!!!!"

My Father is a Cartoon

2009-04-15T05:54:00.000-07:00

I have known all my life. Every single day I have suspected that my father had a second life of which he had never informed me. Above you'll see a picture of my father on Valentine's Day with my mother. But who is this man? Who is he really? The answer:

Yes, my father is the spitting image of Fred Flintstone, and seeing as how I have never seen the two in the same place at the same time, I can rightly assume that he is in fact this caveman in his second life.

There has been numerous times throughout my life where I KNEW something fishy was going on, when we would be driving in the family mini van and he would slam his feet through the floor of the car, cursing that he didn't understand why he couldn't just make the car go fast with the skin of his feet like every other Bedrockian, to which he quickly corrected himself saying "Amurican" obviously misprouncing "American".

On numerous occassions he would refer to me as "his little Pebbles" and would fly off the handle when the toaster would refuse to say, "Eh, its a living."

The most glaring offense was when he comically struck himself over the head with a bowling ball. Quickly rushing to his aid, I inquired as to whether or not he needed me to call an ambulance, to which he replied that "I just need to walk it off with a Bronto Burger." I exclaimed that I had no idea what that was, which caused him to lash out by yelling "Barney!" at me.

Will he ever reveal the truth I wonder?

Somalian Pirates Why?

2009-04-14T07:59:00.000-07:00

Quite a terrifying scene eh? Everywhere we look, pirates are slowly influencing every aspect of our everyday life. Just the other day I was on the metro and bore witness to a child no older than ten telling an older gentlemen to "walk a plank" as he slashed at him with a makeshift hook, luckily the eye patch he was wearing made it impossible for him to hit his intended target with any kind of precision, so the old man was safe.

This constant need for "dubloons" and "booty" has made it apparent to me that this pirate phase isn't going to go away anytime soon. The spread of violence is certainly something for the United States to enter into the highest Defcon level for as more and more pirates are beginning to emerge with their guns made of chicken wire and their boats which were whittled from larger boats.

But why? Why are pirates becoming such a bane to society?

I personally blame Keira Knightely.

Thats right, as we witnessed in the true life documentary, "Pirates of the Carribbean: At World's End." Keira Knightely was able to use her sex appeal, and ability to instantly become a pirate despite her hatred for them, to become the queen of the pirates, in part with the help of Johnny Depp and the grizzled corpse of Mick Jagger.

The only way, as was shown in the movie, to win the heart of Ms. Elizabeth Swan, a moniker that Keira Knightely decided to use during the filming of this documentary as she wanted to "have a last name that is also a bird for once!", was to rape, pillage, and comically stumble on a gigantic wheel in the middle of a sword fight.

It is apparent that these "pirates" we are seeing emerge had a copy of one of the "PoC" movies crammed into a makeshift VCR, and using a battery made from old potatoes and a 1976 projector, was watched constantly by these poor misguided fools.

Thinking that they had a chance with the elusive "Swan", the poor villagers of Somalia overtook a US ship near their coast and began taking hostages. Unfortunately, the hostages couldn't see the Somalian "pirates" winking with blindfolds strapped tight around their heads. The Somalian pirates then began fighting the US Navy, thinking themselves to be skeleton men in the same vein as Geoffery Rush. The last words of the leader of the pirates was "Like in the movie! Like in the movie!"

For shame, how many more souls must be lost before Keira Knightely is made illegal?

So its come to this....

2009-04-14T07:07:00.000-07:00

I've written a lot in the past but felt it was time to start putting my funny ideas and thoughts into a more structured, routine kind of thing. So come back from time to time to see what I come up with as I report on this insane thing we call life.